by Maxa,L. P.
Bryan searched the pool area. “Where is Dylan?”
“Gym.” Lexi snorted. “I worked out for an hour straight with her while Halen slept in the pack-n-play. And then she wanted me to go on a run too? She’s crazy.”
Landry came swimming over to us. “B, I need to go to the bathroom.”
Bryan hopped up. “Come on, sweet girl.”
I was left alone, for the first time, with the mythical Lexi. There was an awkward silence after Bryan and Landry left the pool area. And you know me and loaded silence. “Luke says you’re a photographer. That’s really cool. I’d love to see some of your work. I’m into art. I collect a little here and there. I picked up pottery for a little while, just for fun. One of my friends owns this super hip gallery in Miami. But you know how Miami is, everything is so darn bright and colorful, it all starts to look the same.” I took a deep breath, fully prepared to keep talking if I needed to.
Lexi picked up where I’d left off, easily and unhurried. She reminded me of Luke in that way; they both seemed smooth to an extent. “It’s actually been a while since I picked up my camera, other than to take pictures of Halen.” She leaned down and kissed the top of her baby’s head. Almost like she was apologizing to her. “I miss it.”
My mom had been a really talented sculptor when she was young. She’d put it on the back burner when she and my dad started their record label. And then, after I was born my dad was never around, so it was hard for her to justify leaving me alone so she could do something for herself. As I got older I saw it, saw that she craved it in a way. So I acted interested, asked her to teach me. I’d never seen her so at peace. “Creative people, artists, it’s a part of them. An extension of who they are. When they don’t practice, when they don’t pick up their paintbrush, or their pen, or their camera, a piece of them is missing.”
She looked over at me, a smile on her face. “I have felt like something wasn’t right. Like something was missing.” She lifted one shoulder. “To be honest, until you just said that, I assumed what was missing was Luke. A lot of my past work, it revolved around him, around his music.”
Jealousy. I couldn’t deny it any longer, Lexi talking about Luke, the fact that she still had his heart. It made me jealous. “You two were close.” It wasn’t a question; it was a statement. But she answered me anyway.
“Luke is my best friend. We’ve been through so much. It’s been him and I for so long, it was really hard when he left.” She pulled the straps off her shoulders and unloaded Halen, setting the baby on her lap. “For a second I didn’t know who I was without him.”
“Did you figure it out?” My tone sounded harsh to my ears, but Lexi didn’t seem to notice.
She nodded. “I did.” She turned and looked at me. “He and I have been friends for over ten years now. I toured with Luke and his first band. Basically, I chronicled their demise. It made us that much closer, if that was even possible.”
“How so?”
Lexi stroked her knuckle gently down Halen’s rosy cheek. “I was attacked by Sam, the lead singer. He and Luke grew up together. I’d met him before the tour. He was the sweetest, kindest kid.” She got quiet for a minute, lost in a memory just like Luke did. “When Luke found me, he blamed himself for not being there.”
“Were you hurt?” Was this the thing that cemented them together, was this what had been keeping Luke hostage for the last decade?
“No, but it didn’t matter how many times I told him I was okay. He didn’t leave my side again, not until the tour was over and we were back home in Texas.” Lexi blew on Halen’s neck; the steam in here had made her sweat in her sling. “He thinks I saved his life, he thinks without me, he’d have nothing.”
“Is he wrong?”
Lexi turned to me with the most serious look I’d seen her wear. “You tell me. You know Luke. Do you really believe I saved him? That without me he wouldn’t be here?”
I thought about it for a minute, looking out over the water that had gone still without Landry in it. “No. Luke’s an artist too. Music is a part of who he is. He would never let anything tarnish that. He would have made it here, with or without you. It may have taken him longer, but he’d be here. I think Luke used his love for you as an excuse, as a reason to strive for more.”
Her face broke into a smile and she laid her head on my shoulder. It was an oddly loving gesture coming from someone I’d never really talked to before. “I’m not in love with Luke, I never was. You know that, right?”
Well, she was direct AF. If she could cut to the chase, so could I. “You may have never been in love with him, but he’s never stopped being in love with you.” It hurt to say, I almost felt like I was betraying Luke in some way. But she needed to hear it. She needed to know. To my surprise she laughed.
She picked her head up. “A teenager’s lust turned to like, and then on the tour…when he thought I was his saving grace, it turned to love.” She took Halen out of the sling and handed her to me.
“He planned to end up with you. He always wanted to end up with you.” Why was this funny to her? And why did she just hand me, a stranger, her baby?
“Luke has never once been in a healthy relationship. Every girl he’s ever dated has screwed him over. The only one who has always been there, always been supportive, always been by his side while he chased his dreams…was me. But he isn’t in love with me, Harlow. He just doesn’t understand the difference yet.”
“What’s the difference?”
Lexi looked down at the baby in my arms, her and Dash’s baby. She smiled. “One’s a choice, and one isn’t.”
Her words caused goose bumps on my skin. I’d never been in love. Sure, I loved my mom and I loved a few of my friends, but the way Lexi talked about, the soft awe in her voice… I’d never felt that.
When Halen started to fuss, I held her out to her mom. Most mothers would take their kid back and make it better. Lexi shook her head. I stood up and started to bounce her a little. “He’s like a wounded puppy every time you walk in the room. How is he ever going to see it another way?”
“Luke had an idea in his head of what his life would look like, and he always let me have the starring role. I never asked for it, I never even hinted that I wanted to audition. He’s heartbroken over something that never was. He’s using it as an excuse to act out and mope around. I love Luke. I love that man so much. But I’m not the girl for him. You are.”
I rested my cheek against the top of Halen’s head. “I’m not so sure he agrees.” Because he tried to hire me to be his fake girlfriend so that he could survive seeing you.
“No one knows Luke better than I do, Lo.” She stood and laid the baby sling on a deck chair. “He needs you in his life. You are perfect for him and he knows it. Why do you think he’s still using me as a reason to stay away?” She kissed Halen on the head and then turned to leave.
“Where are you going? You forgot your baby.”
“The boys are on their way home, and I have a bedroom date with my fiancé, if you know what I mean.” She laughed at my panicked expression. “Her Uncle Luke knows how to take care of her.” She pointed at the diaper bag sitting on a nearby table. “Everything she needs is in there.”
“I, uh, I—”
Lexi looked me up and down. “You want to wake Luke up? You want to show him how stupid he’s being? Make him want you. Make him want all of you. Lust doesn’t bring these guys to their knees. They’ve seen and done too much. You have to capture them mind, body, and soul. When he’s consumed by you, he’ll see.”
“See what?”
“That you are everything he’s ever desired, and I really suffer in comparison.” I opened my mouth to protest, to tell her she was crazy. That none of this mattered because it was all a lie, it was all fake. But she held a hand out, stopping me. “You are light, and laughter, and love. You are everything Luke needs, Harlow. He knows it. Make him stop chasing a life that was never meant to be. And show him the life he has waiting for him.” She wi
nked. “Use Halen, he’s a sucker for babies.”
It wasn’t real. Luke’s and my relationship wasn’t real. But the feelings I was developing for him were. I wanted to help him because I wanted to keep him. And I was sure that was all anyone saw: a girl falling for a boy who wasn’t sure if he could ever love again.
“You’re kind of insane.”
“Like recognizes like.” Lexi waved over her shoulder. “See y’all tonight at dinner.”
Chapter Twenty-three
Luke
The band and I were up early; we had to do five radio shows today in Nashville and then tomorrow we were on a plane headed to New York. I hadn’t told Harlow we were flying out in the morning. I wasn’t sure how her plane anxiety worked, but I really didn’t want her to freak out for twenty-four hours straight. I figured that waiting to tell her would save her a lot of rambling. Not that I really minded her rambling. I’d actually thought it was cute most of the time. I just hated making her nervous. When she was at ease, she was so joyful and so fun. I wanted to ever only make her happy. Last night after our talk she’d climbed under the covers and fallen asleep. Once I was sure she was too tired to push me away I’d lain down and held her all night. Talk about adding to the confusion. I wasn’t good for her, but I couldn’t seem to stay away.
Now, the guys and I were all loaded into a Suburban with blacked-out windows on the way back to the hotel.
“Harlow seems really fucking cool, bro. My girls both really like her. She fits in great.” Jacks was leaning back in his seat, typing out something on his phone. “B said she’s with her and Landry down at the pool right now.”
Dash clapped his hand on my shoulder. “Yeah, man. Even Lexi thinks she’s perfect for you, and Lexi doesn’t fucking like anyone you’ve ever been with.”
I smiled. “Yeah, Lo’s pretty spectacular.” She was amazing. There was no denying that. Of course they all liked her, there was absolutely nothing about her to dislike. Even her crazy parts were adorable.
Smith cocked his head to the side. “You think she’s the one?”
I opened my mouth and then shut it. If I said no, they would think I was a moron. If I said yes, things were going to seem tragic when we split. I needed more pitied looks from my bandmates like I needed a hole in my head. “Too soon to tell.”
Dash snorted. “There is no too soon when you meet the right girl.”
Says the man who was engaged to the woman I’d loved for the past ten years. I waited for the irritation to come, for the annoyance and anger that he was with Lexi and I wasn’t. But it never fully surfaced.
Jacks sat up straight so he could look over in my direction. “That’s true. I think I knew B was the one for me the second I met her. It just took my brain some time to catch up.”
“Same for me with Dylan, sort of.” Smith took a sip of the Jack and Coke he’d gotten to-go from the restaurant we ate lunch in. Talk about rock star privileges. “It was the first time I chose her. The first time I wanted to be with her instead of the drugs.”
“You know I was hooked on Lexi from night one. She made me want to be more, be better. Be what she deserved.” Dash let out a small laugh. “Because Lord knows I wasn’t anywhere near good enough for her.”
Smith and Jacks both nodded their agreements. Their words struck a chord. None of them had been even close to the men their girls deserved when they’d met. Jacks was a partying manwhore and Smith had more issues than Time magazine.
When we pulled up to the hotel, Smith and Dash headed toward the bank of elevators and Jacks and I veered off in the direction of the indoor pool. Jacks reached out and grabbed me by the collar and steered me in the direction of the nearest bar. “Let’s grab a beer before I have to go swimming for the tenth time this week, okay?”
I chuckled. “Sure, man.”
We sat down at an empty table, and a cute little waitress with pink hair came over to take our drink order. She was flirty as fuck, but neither of us was interested.
Jacks sighed. “That right there is a perfect example of change. A year ago I would have banged her in the nearest bathroom. Now? All I can think is, I hope my daughter never gets a tattoo on her neck like that.” He moved back when she brought our beers, giving her room to put them down. “I loved my life, I really did. I had a great time. I partied. I lived, you know?”
I took a sip off the top; my glass was almost too full to pick up. “Do you miss it?”
“I don’t have to miss it, I have the memories.” He tapped the side of his head and downed three large gulps.
“What do you mean? You have the memories, but you still had to give it all up, let it all go. If you hadn’t, B and you never would have worked, right?”
He shook his head. “Everything I did, everything I enjoyed… It’s all a part of me, it all made me the man I am, the father I am. B would never ask me to forget who I was, because she loves all of who I’ve become.” His eyes held mine.
I chuckled. “Who you were was a partying manwhore who literally banged dozens of chicks a night.”
He didn’t break into a grin like I expected. “And who Smith was was a drug-addicted asshole from an abusive home with the weight of the world on his shoulders. And Dash? Controlling cocky dickhead who played with girls’ hearts like they were toys. But look at us now. Look what the unconditional, nonjudgmental love of a good woman does.” He put his hand on my shoulder. “When you give yourself permission to be loved by them, that is.”
Bryan told us once that we all underestimated Jacks, and she was right. Jacks had sat me down and given me a talking-to in a way only he could.
“I hear you, man.”
“About what?” He looked at me, his face the picture of innocence. I shook my head, laughing, and he brought his glass to his lips, smiling. “I’m just sitting here, minding my own business, talking about how good we all have it.”
Lexi was never going anywhere. She’d always be a part of me. She was my best friend, and that was something no one could ever take from us. Those memories, they were mine to keep. She just wasn’t the girl I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I needed to see her, see us, for what we actually were now. I needed to let go. It was way past time. I clapped Jacks on the back. “I love you, bro.”
He polished off the rest of his beer and then let out a loud burp. “Come on, let’s go see how many men are sitting around that pool eyeing our chicks.”
Six. There were six men sitting at an indoor pool doing nothing but staring at B and Lo. Landry was sitting at a table eating a giant cheeseburger, Bryan was next to her stealing her fries, and Lo was in a lounge chair playing with Halen. I looked around the pool area, but Lexi was nowhere to be seen.
“Hey, Pix.” She beamed at me and my heart stuttered in my chest. My God that smile, it could light up the darkest night. Not to mention the way she looked in her bikini. I wanted to bury my face in her cleavage.
“Hey, kid.” She blew air on Halen’s round tummy, making her giggle. “How were the interviews?”
I straddled the end of the lounger, wrapping my hands around her calves. “They were good. Exhausting. Why do you have the baby?” The interviews had all actually gone really fucking well. People were loving the album. Which made us want to tell our label to go screw themselves.
She made smacking noises on Halen’s neck, causing her to erupt in those tiny giggles again. “Her mommy and daddy have a bed date. Lexi kind of handed her to me then left. Said you’d know what to do and they’d see us tonight at dinner.” She sat up and turned Halen to face me so I could tell her hello. “She’s very trusting of strangers, that best friend of yours.”
I took my goddaughter from Lo and flew her around in the air like the world’s cutest plane. “You aren’t a stranger, you’re my girlfriend. You’re family.” The words flowed out, completely natural. I could feel the mixed emotions coming off Harlow, and I didn’t want to deal with them right now. So I stood up and grabbed the diaper bag. “Jackson, see you three at
dinner?”
He nodded with a mouth full of French fries. “Yeah man, Dash made the reservation for seven o’clock.”
I tapped Landry on the end of the nose. “Save me a seat?”
She smiled. “You know it.”
I held my hand out to Harlow, helping her up and then keeping her by my side the whole way to our room. It was domestic, walking hand in hand with a beautiful girl while carrying a tiny baby. Anyone who saw us didn’t know we weren’t a family. I grinned at the people we passed, trying this little threesome on for size. Lo and I would make really gorgeous babies. The first time I’d thought that, I shut it down immediately. Now I let an image form in my head of young blonde-headed girls running around our yard wearing fairy wings. Huh. That wasn’t terrifying at all. As soon as we got inside Lo started to strip out of her swimsuit. “What are you doing?”
“My suit is wet, I’m taking it off.” She tossed her top into the bathroom and then shimmied out of her bottoms.
“Are you trying to kill me?”
She laughed. “No. I’m trying to get comfortable so I can help you with the baby.” She walked toward me, completely naked. “Why? Is me being naked a problem for you? You’ve seen it all before, remember?”
How could I not? I shifted on my feet, trying to adjust my boner. “In case you’ve forgotten, someone took sex off the table.”
She rubbed her hand on my abs as she walked past me to the closet. “Oh I haven’t forgotten.” She came back out wearing one of my t-shirts. She took Halen from me and cradled her to her chest, kissing her head. “You getting hungry, sweet girl?”
I watched as she held Halen in one hand and grabbed a bottle out of the diaper bag. She moved like she had done this a million times. It had to be a girl thing, that innate ability to take care of a child. I crossed the room and mixed the formula and water for her. “You want me to feed her?”
“Nah, we got it. You’ve been up since five. Why don’t you lie down and rest before it’s time for dinner?”