And I understood eighteen when you said it to me in the queue. You know I did.
And you understand me.
And this whole thing, it killed my father, left my mother without both of them and how would I tell you this and not hurt you, too.
And you were smiling today and you have his smile.
And I never didn’t love you, but I avoided it, I kept distracted, because that’s what I do, because I am a non-working human being.
And before this I always have kept distracted.
But I remembered you. I always remember you.
And this morning I saw you, with nothing in the way. I saw who you are and you saw me.
And now you know the rest of it.
And that I made you a book.
Because you can have this and hold it and you can look at it and see it looking back and where your hands are mine have been.
And I do love you.
And if you don’t want that, I understand.
But I do love you.
And there is nothing I can help or solve and I am wrong, a wrong person, but if it would please you I can give you this which is my voice to be with you, my mouth with your mouth and soft.
And you should have the story of a man who stands very still on a ship’s deck – broad wood under his feet: tiny shifts in it, gentle – and he watches an island city as it grows to meet him, bluepink in the first hour of the day. He is facing east and the new sun boils at the foot of every cross-street as he passes along the shore – it climbs the sky and is a fury of colours, a hunger, a beautiful rage between buildings that seem cleaner and better than they should be, perfect and eternal as dreams.
And this is beautiful and dreadful and the man is used to beautiful and dreadful things.
And windows gild and flare and are extinguished and the water burns, silvers, splits and then heals behind him, while quiet gulls kite above. There are no sounds except the calm of the slowing engines and the man’s thinking, the words in his head.
And when the man comes to land, walks on solid ground, the ocean will stay with him, will rock with him, and when he stands the world will roll, will dance, be an amazement. And this will make him feel that it isn’t impossible, that it isn’t completely impossible that he could be happy, that he could come home and live.
He could be happy. He could be loved.
He is loved.
You are loved.
If this is a spell and there is magic and everything that matters can be true, then you can be happy and be loved.
And if I was on solid ground and with you I would give you my hand if you wanted.
I would touch you.
I would touch you.
I would touch you.
I would touch you.
I would touch you.
I would touch you.
I would touch you.
This is the best of me.
But I’d give you my hand if you wanted.
I’d give you everything.
Acknowledgements
With many thanks to Derren Brown, Julia Cloughley-Sneddon, Coops, Peter Lamont, Ian Rowland, Ros Steen and Shelby White. Thanks also to the island and people of Sark.
About the Author
A. L. Kennedy is the critically acclaimed author of Day, winner of the Costa Book Award, the Lannan Literary Prize for Fiction, the Austrian State Prize for Literature, the Saltire Scottish Book Prize, and was a Clare Maclean Prize finalist, and a Globe and Mail Top 100 Book. She has published five previous novels, including Paradise, and has twice been selected as one of Granta’s Best Young British Novelists. She lives in Glasgow, Scotland, and is a part-time lecturer in creative writing at Warwick University.
About the Publisher
House of Anansi Press was founded in 1967 with a mandate to publish Canadian-authored books, a mandate that continues to this day even as the list has branched out to include internationally acclaimed thinkers and writers. The press immediately gained attention for significant titles by notable writers such as Margaret Atwood, Michael Ondaatje, George Grant, and Northrop Frye. Since then, Anansi’s commitment to finding, publishing and promoting challenging, excellent writing has won it tremendous acclaim and solid staying power. Today Anansi is Canada’s pre-eminent independent press, and home to nationally and internationally bestselling and acclaimed authors such as Gil Adamson, Margaret Atwood, Ken Babstock, Peter Behrens, Rawi Hage, Misha Glenny, Jim Harrison, A. L. Kennedy, Pasha Malla, Lisa Moore, A. F. Moritz, Eric Siblin, Karen Solie, and Ronald Wright. Anansi is also proud to publish the award-winning nonfiction series The CBC Massey Lectures. In 2007, 2009, 2010, and 2011 Anansi was honoured by the Canadian Booksellers Association as “Publisher of the Year.”
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