by Ian Tuhovsky
The process of applying is a little more insidious because it is harder to work out what the person is doing until it is too late. A recruiter picks away at your relationships and draws you into their social circle, but an applier just keeps moving into your social circles, pushing everyone else out. The end result is the same, but because it is not as harsh as recruiting, you might miss it.
Both recruiting and applying work because we actually like the people we help. It's a weird quirk of humans, but when we feel someone is indebted to us we feel they are more trustworthy and better people. On the other hand, when we feel indebted to others, we work hard to re-balance the scales. This strategy works great for normal people with empathy. But when a Bad Guy figures this out, they will help us, convincing us to help them, and then slowly withdraw their support. Which ends up with us doing everything for them, them not having to provide anything to the relationship, and us liking them for it! [9]
Trauma Bonding.
One time at scout camp, I developed a pretty weird friendship with this older kid. For some reason he would really pick on me. Not just like normal boys being a bit mean to each other, or bantering. Really mean. Pushing me over, pulling my hair, stealing my pudding, calling me names, and blaming me for his actions. I remember feeling hurt and confused that someone I had only just met would hurt me so much.
And yet he remained my friend. Because after all that, at the end of the day, he would present a peace offering. If he pushed me over and I was bleeding from my knees, he would get the first aid kit. If I became withdrawn after an insult, he would reassure me. If I took the fall for something he did, he would offer me candy from his stash. At the time, I felt this was okay and normal. I guessed he was just a bit rough naturally, but that he meant well and that, deep down, he really was my friend.
And the second I stopped being a victim? He would resume his abuse multiplied by ten. If ever I told anyone he would call me a pussy, a weakling, and a tattle-tale. If I insulted him back his insults escalate, or he would get physical. If I didn't act hurt or cry he would refuse to offer me kind words or comfort. Little did I know it at the time, but this kid was not my friend. He was conditioning me to rely on him. Which I did until the end of the camp. After the camp, when we parted ways, he just wouldn't talk to me, wouldn't even offer his phone number. He was done picking on me and went home to find a better victim.
Trauma bonding is an interesting phenomenon. The idea is that people in difficult situations will unite for safety in numbers. Even if that difficult situation was caused by one of the people in the group! By causing trauma our Bad Guys put us in a position where we are open to bonding. By providing relief from the trauma they become at once the poison and the medicine.
This goes a long way toward explaining physically and emotionally abusive relationships, and why these harmful relationships often affect people from lower socioeconomic groups and troubled backgrounds. It is easier for the Bad Guy to start out offering refuge from pre-existing trauma than to create the trauma in the first place. That way they enter the cycle more easily and are not detected.[10]
Love Bombing.
In college I had what one could fairly consider a toxic girlfriend. Yet she was also, at first, a woman many guys would consider the ideal girlfriend. As soon as we met we clicked, and amazingly well. She was hot, although I would like to think I was hot, too. She was witty and funny. A little rude but I found her honesty refreshing. We started going out and our connection only seemed to be getting stronger. She would buy me gifts, pay my half of the bill, and call me and message me all day long, telling me how hot I was and how much she loved me and missed me. We would talk for hours and hours about everything, from celebrities to deep philosophical thoughts. I gave her my keys and would come home to someone waiting for me.
She was totally the one, right? At the time, as an immature boy, I thought so, too.
All this changed as soon as we moved in together. Literally, it was like turning off the light and not knowing what just happened. As soon as her last box was in my apartment, she would demand money from me, never had time for sex, never wanted to talk or do things together, and continually put me down while giving me the silent treatment over trivial things.
At first, I was terrified I’d done something wrong. After all, this lovely, charming woman who really, truly loved me was suddenly... terrible to me. I bent over backwards trying to help her. I did everything she asked. I pandered to her emotionally and never retaliated when she hurled her anger in my direction. After trying to work it out, eventually I realized that either I had been duped, or we’d simply grown too far apart to ever close the gap.
As an adult, I now kick myself for ever falling for Love bombing since it’s a Bad Guy tactic that can possibly be avoided with a little awareness. Love Bombing works with young people, passionate people, and vulnerable people. When you are riding that high of a new friendship, and especially of a new romance, your feelings seem to be reflected in the other person. You want to give them the moon, so when they want to give you the moon, too, it can feel like true love. We believe it because we think they’re experiencing the same extreme emotions.
The problem with love bombing is that eventually it stops. Not like the slow burn out of romantic passion which can and does happen to us all. It crashes and burns like a sudden stopping of affection, literally overnight. Because the love bomber’s emotions were not real. Their “bombs” of love were just elaborate displays to convince us that they were invested in the relationship. That way they could persuade us to let go, get emotional, and sacrifice ourselves for them. They gain our trust, and with it access to our energy, time, money, friends, etc.
So eventually this false love ends. This will happen during one of two scenarios. It will stops suddenly because the victim gets wise to it. Either they have experienced love bombing before or seen it happen to someone close to them. They simply don't fall for it. Just like that, this person who adored them and would do anything for them is suddenly in love with someone else.
Love bombing also usually ends when they get what they want. Eventually, the Bad Guy will charm someone into falling passionately in love with them who is vulnerable and needy, who is young and inexperienced, or simply who lives life to the fullest. These people are very likely to fall for love bombing. And as soon as the Bad Guy has the victim where they want them, the love bombing stops. Sometimes the relationship ends, and the Bad Guy vanishes again. All too often the victim desperately tries to appease the Bad Guy, to get the relationship back.
Love bombing works because it appeals to the fallacy of sunk costs, the part of our brain which believes that if we have already invested something, we should keep investing. The same principal that keeps people gambling will keep people working for a relationship which is already gone.[11]
Mirroring.
Thinking back to my old business partner who disappointed me, I recall how he gained my trust. When we first met, he seemed a little awkward, a little shy, a little quiet. I never minded this, because I like introverts. I never thought there could be something else lurking underneath the shy exterior. Over time, as he began to open up to me, it turned out we had a lot in common. The same moral values, the same goals, the same ideals. When I talked about something I was passionate about, he would respond with the same passion. So, I figured that he would make the perfect business partner. After all, we were headed in the same direction, right?
Only we couldn't have been. Because even though he claimed that lies offended him, he lied to me repeatedly. Even though he claimed to be into fashion and to know how to access cheap products for resale, he actually knew very little about it. It was all fake. I have no idea who this guy really was, but he wasn't like me.
Mirroring is an enormously successful strategy Bad Guys use which we often have a hard time seeing until it hits us. I still fall for the early stages of mirroring to this day, and it can take me a couple of days of knowing someone before I finally read them we
ll enough to spot their mirroring!
When a Bad Guy mirrors us, they generally pose as a shy introvert at first. This is so that they can't say or do anything which could offend you, or make you feel they are different from you. They use this time to watch you, listen to you, and learn about you. When it happened to me social media was not a big part of my life, so this guy must have been very good at reading people to figure me out. Now, when everyone has a digital paper trail, even the dumbest of Bad Guys could meet you, go home, and learn a lot about you overnight.
Once they know enough about us, they will pretend to discover it. They will drop a mention of a musical artist they know we like and have probably listened to their most and least popular songs, so we’re delighted by their expertise. They will claim to like the uncommon and unique things about us, forging an unlikely bond, such as saying, “I know most people do not like horses, but I think they are fab.” Bad Guys do this to create a sensation of “Us VS The World”, like they are our soulmates and no one else cares enough and is qualified enough to help us.
This strategy encourages us to overthrow our usual social norms and fast-track the Bad Guy into our inner circle. Someone we have only known a few weeks suddenly becomes worth dating. Someone whose credit history we do not know is a business partner. We take our new BFF's word over our own mother's. Because we are like them, and they are like us, and that is rare and special. Only it's all a lie. They are not like us, and the ways in which they are like us probably aren't all that rare.
Mirroring works so well as a strategy precisely because the people who pull it off are great liars, and the bad liars who attempt it just come across as insecure people who want to please us. Quite simply, there is no way for a Bad Guy to fail when they use this strategy. Well, except for when we read them.[12]
Lesson 5: Identifying attempts at infiltrating.
Identifying when someone is genuinely interested in getting to know us or when someone is just trying their luck to see if they can exploit us is not an easy task. In the moment, we tend to give people the benefit of doubt. Which is normally a good thing. But if we do not learn what an attempt at infiltrating looks like, then it will happen to us repeatedly.
For that reason, it is better to look back on our own experiences and try and get a real feel for spotting infiltration attempts. We can study martial arts theory and still be a terrible fighter. We can study cooking theory and be a terrible chef. We can study the tactics of manipulative people and still get manipulated.
On the flip side, someone who has never read this book, or any on psychology, but who has lived with manipulative people their whole life can often see an infiltration attempt from a mile away. They have that hands-on experience.
We want to fall somewhere in the middle. We don't want to be completely book-taught, as theory does not match up to experience. We do not want to suffer repeatedly at the hands of Bad Guys just to learn a life lesson. Which is why we need to make the time to really reflect on our lives and analyze the actions of the Bad Guys in our pasts. That way, we get a little theory, a little experience, and mash them together into something useful.
In doing so, we are proactively protecting ourselves, and our loved ones, from Bad Guys who want to gain our trust and exploit us.
Exercise:
Look back at times when someone truly manipulative has entered your life. Think back to the things they said and did. Try and see if these examples fit into any of the four main strategies. A Bad Guy will rarely combine strategies, as doing so would be unsuccessful. Instead, they stick to one path and will relentlessly use it until it either succeeds, or you chase them away.
If you generally keep manipulative people at bay, ask yourself how and why you do this. Maybe your instincts are really finely tuned, but if you aren't doing this consciously, then you are still vulnerable. Write down the things that make you aware of a Bad Guy, the things that put you on your guard.
By analyzing how these different Bad Guy infiltration strategies take shape in the real world, you will be better prepared to actually face off with one of these people.
CHAPTER FIVE: WHY WE HANG ON TO TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS
A toxic relationship is, as you have probably already guessed, a relationship with a Bad Guy.
Many of us assume that only romantic relationships can be toxic, but the reality is that any relationship can be toxic if we let it. For example, my scout camp bully/friend was a great example of a toxic friendship, and my business partner was a great example of a toxic professional relationship. Any time that you experience a Bad Guy's desire to trample you for their own gain, the relationship is toxic. No matter the situation or the level of abuse.
It's important to remember that last part. Yes, it is possible to have a toxic relationship with a teacher or coworker. Yes, it is possible to have a toxic relationship where the abuse is subtle and psychological. And these relationships can be as harmful as a toxic romantic relationship with someone who is physically abusive. In some cases, they can be more harmful, as we are more willing to accept abuse when it comes in an unexpected form from an unexpected person.[13]
So, for the record, you can have a toxic relationship that is between:
romantic partners
parent and child
friends
coworkers
boss and employee
teacher and student
a group and an individual
Those relationships can be toxic either way. That is to say, either party could be the Bad Guy. And those relationships could hurt you:
physically
mentally
emotionally
spiritually
Your experience of abuse and toxic relationships is no less valid than the experiences of someone who was in a more stereotypical toxic relationship. The hurt suffered in these relationships is real. The scars are real. You still need time to heal from it all.
That said, usually, as soon as we notice that a relationship is toxic, we start moving away. There is an instinct in us that says, “This person is dangerous, so let's go.” When we see someone who isn't leaving a toxic relationship, it is easy to assume they don't have it so bad. Or, when we know how bad they have it, we find it hard to understand why they stay.
Everyone who deals with Bad Guys gets asked this question: Why do you stay?
Domestic violence survivors and their advocates are often asked, “why do you stay with an abusive partner?” Bullied kids are asked, “why do you still hang out with them?” Cult survivors are asked “how could you let it go so far?” The assumption is that there is a certain threshold after which we should and will just back out. The assumption says, “If that were me, I would have left ages ago!” This assumption doesn't only hurt survivors, but it hurts us, too.
It boomerangs back to us because when we assume these things cannot happen to us, we are totally unprepared when they do. We are all at risk of getting trapped in a toxic relationship. Even Bad Guys get trapped by other Bad Guys or get into mutually toxic relationships! The only way we can escape this problem is by learning how to read and become active participants in analyzing our own relationships.
However, when we are the person hanging onto a toxic relationship we are too deep in it to be rational, utilizing all the justification we have at our disposal.
“They aren't really like that.”
“I don't have another option.”
“They never hit me.”
“It's the community aspect I'd miss.”
“I don't want to hurt them.”
“They offer me something amazing, something I can't find anywhere else.”
“I take the good days with the bad.”
“It's not their fault, they are just mentally ill.”
“I have to think of others before myself.”
All these reasons would be acceptable if we were referring to a minor character flaw in the Bad Guy, like being too loud, or forgetful. When we are talking about abuse, these
reasons become euphemisms, to hide the real reasons we stay because the real reasons for holding on to toxic relationships are not comfortable to face. But we must face them if we want to escape the Bad Guys.
There are three reasons we hold on to toxic relationships: an insecure future, extreme attraction, and fear. These three reasons explain our actions, and even our excuses. When we say, “I take the good days with the bad”, we are actually saying we have an extreme attraction to the Bad Guy. This really means we will put up with the bad days just to get a taste of the good days. When we say, “I don't have another option”, we are actually saying that our other options are terrifying to us.
By using euphemisms to hide from the three core reasons, we soothe our emotional wounds. It's a bit like putting a bandage over a broken bone. The bone will not heal unless we give it proper treatment. And in order to offer that treatment, we need to unroll the bandages and assess the damage. It will not be a pretty sight. However, it will help us in the long run. [14]
Insecurity plays the biggest part in why we nurture a toxic relationship. Insecurity takes many forms. For example, we could be insecure in ourselves and be seeking validation and support from our Bad Guy. We could stay in a relationship with a Bad Guy because we feel the future without them would be too uncertain.