by Ian Tuhovsky
3. Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).
What does this mean?
This means that they categorize people based on how important they believe them to be, and only want to associate with the most important people. The grain of truth here is that birds of a feather do flock together: we do tend to try and associate with people we believe are like us. The narcissistic person will try and associate only with people they believe are perfect, and hope for that perfection to rub off on them.
What harm does it do?
Because the narcissistic person will only associate with perfect people, everyone is at risk. People who are obviously imperfect from the start are thrown away like trash, but even the people the narcissist likes are at risk. Why? Because nobody is actually perfect, and as soon as the rose-tinted glasses come off the narcissist will be angry that you “tricked” them into thinking you were perfect.
4. Requires excessive admiration.
What does this mean?
The narcissistic person needs constant awe, respect, and praise, even for minor things. And they will continue to seek praise for things where they have already received praise.
What harm does it do?
Continually massaging someone's ego is not a relationship, but when you are living with a narcissistic person, that is what your relationship will consist of at the end of the day.
5. Has a sense of entitlement.
What does this mean?
We all have things we believe we deserve, either because they were promised to us, like our wages, or because we believe everyone ought to get them, like being treated with dignity. A narcissist steps outside of that normal social order and instead demands to be treated better or differently than others, even when this has not been agreed upon.
What harm does it do?
A narcissistic person will expect to be admired, to be rewarded, to always win contests and competitions, to get their perfect date, etc. But the narcissist can't always win. So, what happens when they lose? A combination of rage and denial. Rage because they feel they have been betrayed. And denial because they will suddenly decide they never wanted that thing, that the competition is rigged, or that the thing is different to how they imagined it. Anything is better than accepting their own failure. This leads to serious inconsistencies in how they behave, making them unreliable, dangerous people to be around.
6. Is interpersonally exploitative.
What does this mean?
This means that to a narcissistic person, other humans are just things. Either a means to an end, or an object to own and to use.
What harm does it do?
Quite obviously, if you reduce other people to objects, you will hurt them. We don't consider the feelings of a fork, or how a download will affect our computer beyond our ability to use it again. Likewise, a narcissist will only worry about the well-being of other humans as long as their well-being is also in the narcissist's best interests. And when it isn't? Then they won't get a second thought.
7. Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
What does this mean?
Unlike antisocial or psychopathic people, whose empathy is literally missing, a narcissist often has stunted empathy. It's not that they can't see you are in pain, or relate to your trials, it's that they don't want to, because thinking about you would get in the way of thinking about themselves.
What harm does it do?
When someone forces themselves to push consideration and empathy out of their minds and focus on themselves alone, they fall back to hedonism and treating other people like tools again.
8. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.
What does this mean?
A narcissistic person is completely focused on social order. This means that they will always be comparing themselves to others, and assume others are also continually comparing themselves to the narcissist.
What harm does it do?
This constant comparison puts the narcissist's defenses up high. They are always afraid that someone else might try their same tricks on them and will often see any attempts to help them as manipulation. The nicer you are to a narcissist, the more paranoid you will make them.
9. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.
What does this mean?
The narcissistic person is rude and inconsiderate. Again, like the rulers of Medieval Europe, the narcissist thinks they are above everyone else, and especially above the rules that apply to others.
What harm does it do?
Because the narcissist thinks they are better than you, they will act that way too. They will demand to see managers even when they are in the wrong, insist that they can do things to you which nobody can do to them, and generally bully other people.[16]
I am sure you can see now why it is that narcissistic behaviors can be so troublesome, even if the person does not have true Narcissistic Personality Disorder! Even one of these behaviors, on its own, can make a good relationship toxic. A few together and you have a Bad Guy, even when they are not a “true” narcissist!
This list is by no means complete. Many academics have spent a lifetime breaking down the nuances of narcissism, and the definitions and diagnoses are always changing and developing. However as of today, those are the main nine characteristics of narcissists.
Lesson 8: Spotting Narcissists.
Spotting a narcissist in the wild is harder than doing so in theory. On paper, the person who surrounds themselves with people quick to do their bidding, can't take a joke, and brags about their achievements is a narcissist, like the stereotypical high school jock. And the person who is shy, dismisses praise, and is friendly and forgiving is the opposite of a narcissistic. In reality, it's just not so clean cut.
Most of us already know that the popular kids at our high school were popular for a reason, and it was normally because they were not narcissists. They were probably gifted, but they were also kind, friendly, giving people. On the other hand, the kids we considered “creepy” were probably not just quiet, but antisocial and demanding. There may have been a few exceptions, but in general the stereotype that popular, successful, and proud people are narcissists and unpopular, unsuccessful, and shy people are not, is wrong.
And so is the more recent stereotype that it's the other way around. Some psychologists for a very long time stuck with the idea that unpopular and awkward kids were more selfish and narcissistic, because they were compensating for their social flaws. Successful people, such as politicians, are also narcissists.[17]
The truth lies somewhere in the middle: Narcissists are often very gifted, skilled, or successful in one area, and it is this slight superiority that feeds their ego. But then they hold a lot of the rest of their lives to that same standard and it doesn't match up. A high school footballer or an artistic kid are great examples. If they accept that they are good at something but not at everything then they could be proud, but not narcissists. But if they are continually hung up on their perceived failings and demanding perfection of themselves in areas where they are not gifted, then they are at risk of developing narcissistic behaviors. It is for this reason that spotting a narcissist is hard: narcissism is an internal process, not something people wear on their sleeves.
However, there are some tells that are pretty obvious. Some recent research has found that most narcissists are aware that they are narcissists. Because in a narcissist's mind they are perfect, they embrace their own diagnosis. This means that many narcissists can be identified just by asking them, “Are you narcissistic/egoistic/selfish?” Most will answer honestly! [18]
That said, when a narcissist wants to manipulate us, this greater awareness of their own flaws is damaging to us. Unlike in the past where a narcissist had no clue who or what they were, now that they know they are narcissists
they are getting better at hiding it. Which means we need to look more closely for the subtle signs of narcissism.
Exercise:
To detect narcissists in your life and work out whether someone you know exhibits the behaviors, you need to watch them when the going gets tough. We are all geared for survival and self-preservation in desperate situations. A narcissist is geared for self-preservation at all times. Whether it is refusing to part with money they owe, blaming their mistakes on others, or lying to get a job or promotion, the narcissist always does whatever gets them ahead, no matter how it affects other people.[19]
Write down the last ten interactions you had with a person you think is narcissistic. Write out whether the outcome was positive or negative for you, positive or negative for them, and positive or negative for others. Now ask yourself if the positive outcomes for you and others were intentional... or just part of getting the narcissist what they wanted. If all ten interactions benefited them, often at the expense of others, you could be dealing with a narcissist.
CHAPTER SEVEN: MACHIAVELLIANISM IS NOT JUST PRAGMATISM
A lot of us, especially those of us who are a bit less emotional, like to think we are pragmatic. Even if you haven't heard the word “pragmatism” before, chances are you are familiar with the ideas behind it:
Pragmatism is the belief that a good solution, or the best possible solution, is the noblest goal for any thought or action.
In a pragmatic mindset, the universe is continually changing and evolving. Justice is not an end goal but something that's always one step away from us, and logic is a tool to help us reach true goodness and happiness.
For example, under pragmatism you might accept a job you don't want to give you time to work toward the one you do want Pragmatism means taking your experience of the world and accepting some compromises in order to reach the best possible end for all.
However, the Bad Guys like to corrupt things to suit themselves. Much the same way that they corrupted self-respect into narcissism, they corrupted pragmatism into Machiavellianism. Machiavellianism, if you have not heard the word before, can be summed up in one sentence:
The ends justify the means. [20]
Of course, there is a bit more to it than that. But that belief lies at the core of Machiavellian philosophy. It has one distinct difference from pragmatism. Under pragmatism we see the world holistically. For example, we take the job we do not want because we understand that in the short term we have less money, but in the long term we have some money and more time. A pragmatist would not accept a job that stopped them getting their ideal job completely, and they would not lie to get their ideal job instead.
Under Machiavellianism there is no big picture. There is just the end result. A Machiavellian person is more idealistic than pragmatic. To them, the ideal job is the only good outcome. So not only will they turn down the job they do not want, but they will lie and cheat and do anything it takes to get the ideal job, even if this means they are not ready for it.
Machiavellianism allows Bad Guys to convince us to do their bidding.
Deep down we all want to reach our goals eventually, and we all understand that other people want to reach their goals, too. Deep down we all want to be pragmatic about it. We want to make the decisions that hurt as few people as possible, help as many people as possible, and slowly but surely move us toward our end goal.
As we have seen, the line between “The noblest goal is chasing the best solution” and “The ends justify the means” is very, very fine. The main difference is that the pragmatic noble goal involves everyone's well-being, whereas the Machiavellian ends involve only the success of the ideal.
To push us into following their Machiavellian plans and not our own pragmatic ones, the Machiavellian person must, therefore, persuade us that their goal is also our goal and everyone else's goal.
This theory comes from Niccolo Machiavelli's book “The Prince”. He explained the ways in which someone who wanted to be a ruler could manipulate society to convince people to side with their goals. There is a big debate about whether Machiavelli actually believed this was good or was just trying to avoid being killed by angry rulers, but one thing is undeniable: a Machiavellian approach to power works.
Most politicians rise to power and stay in power by convincing us that they are acting selflessly. When we vote for someone we are not thinking, “this person wants to be in power for status and money”, we are usually thinking “this person has some good points about important topics and will look out for my best interests”. Likewise, cult leaders and dictators avoid being overthrown, even though they are outnumbered, because the followers believe the leader is looking after them.
A Machiavellian person always tries to get money, power, and love from people, no matter what it costs. But because they need you to make sacrifices for their goal, they will try to convince you that their goal is your goal, too. [21]
Take for example an experience I had when an uncle of mine asked me for a loan. I had heard he did not pay back money he borrowed. So, I refused. Then he used the Machiavellian technique. He told me that if I gave him the loan, he would use it to get a better car, and I could use it. This was very appealing to me. I needed a better mode of transportation, but could not afford the car on my own. He promised it would be a nice car, he would repair it, and I just had to pay my share of fuel.
I'm sure you can guess what happened when I gave him the money. The car materialized, that much was true. But it was never available for me to use when I needed it. He always had priority. And on top of that he kept trying to get me to pay for half the fuel, even on months when I hadn't used it.
What he did was tell me what I wanted to hear. Otherwise known as lying. He told me there would be a car and that I could use it. Did I get my money's worth out of it? Of course not. My uncle’s goal was to obtain a vehicle for himself without paying for it, no matter how it affected me. The lies were just part of the game.
Machiavellian people often act like this because Machiavellianism is characterized by an almost complete lack of morality. Bad Guys will stop at nothing as long as they get what they want in the end. They know we wouldn't just give them everything they ask for without believing there is something in it for us. So, they promise us money, new policies, a car, love, or safety, if only we give them our ideas, vote, money, energy, or security first.
Lesson 9: Spotting Machiavellianism.
Machiavellianism in the wild can be hard to spot at times because the Machiavellian person is very good at convincing us they are pragmatic team players. Machiavellianism wouldn't be a problem if we could look at a politician and say, “they're just hungry for power”, at a pyramid salesperson and say, “they just want our money”, or at a romantic prospect and say, “they just want us for sex”.
Like with narcissism, there are tell-tales of Machiavellianism which we can learn to spot. The biggest one is simple. The Bad Guy will ask you to make a sacrifice or take a risk. Taking risks isn't necessarily a bad thing, but we need to take risks we are comfortable with when we are ready for them. Making sacrifices willingly is not a bad thing either. But the Machiavellian pushes you to. Think about sales pitches if you want examples of Machiavellianism and forced risk or sacrifice:
Trial the product now, what have you got to lose?
If you don't vote for me, then you have no chance of a better water supply.
Together we can help reduce crime.
It only takes a few minutes of your day to make your neighborhood a better place.
For the same price as your nightly wine, you could buy our product.
These pitches are convincing, sure. That is why we see pitches like this everywhere because they work. What they are really doing is saying:
We're a team!
We're in it together!
We will all benefit from the end result!
The sacrifice is small!
The risk is small!
They are trying to convince us to d
o something we haven't even thought about doing. If we were to swap the sales pitch for an admission of the true end goal, it becomes very obvious why they need us:
Trial the product now, what have you got to lose?
I need you to buy my product at least once to make back the ad money.
If you don't vote for me, then you have no chance of a better water supply.
I need you to vote for me, so I can get in power.
Together we can help reduce crime.
I need you to invest your time and energy in my scheme so that it becomes relevant.
It only takes a few minutes of your day to make your neighborhood a better place.
I need you to invest your time and energy into my scheme, so I don't have to use my time or energy.
For the same price as your nightly wine, you could buy our product.
I need you to sacrifice something you enjoy so you can afford my product.
They need us, but the sales pitch is designed to flip the message around and say we need them, or we need each other. Likewise, a Machiavellian individual will twist and turn their own interests to make it sound like it is in our interests: