Pete’s scratching his head. He looks like he’s been smacked in the face with confusion. He rambles on, like I really know what he’s talking about.
“You flit in and out of that window like a butterfly. On your last visit you wished with all your heart that you were there for real. I’m afraid you left the window ajar on your last return trip.”
Right, like that makes sense. I love Pete, but sometimes his thinking really has me wondering. “Excuse me?” I say. “All I want to know is how did Andy end up here?”
“It’s all a mistake,” Pete explains. “I’ll put him back.”
“I thought you said there was no going back—”
“Yes, yes, that is normally true,” Pete says, “but you see in this case, well, in this case, Andy was never really here to begin with.”
I plop into the Golden Window and sink into the cushions.
“Say that again?”
Pete throws his hands up in the air, like he can’t understand my confusion. “In the silver lining Mona recovered, yes?”
“With the motorcycle man’s kidney! That’s my point; she went home to her family and she saved Andy from drowning. So how come he’s here?”
“He’s not,” Pete answers.
“But I saw him.”
“But you shouldn’t have.”
“But I did.” Now we’re running in circles.
“You see Lorelei, the fact is, had you survived the night you arrived here, Mona would have indeed received the kidney from that poor chap on the motorcycle. All of that is true. And she would have arrived home to her husband and children, but she—”
Pete lets out a deep sigh.
“But she would have gotten there only to find that Andy had drowned the day before. She wasn’t there to save him!”
“Oh,” I say and fall backwards onto my favorite giant pillow. “So, Andy would’ve ended up here.”
“Correct.”
“But the Silver Lining isn’t real. It isn’t what really happened.”
“Precisely,” Pete says shaking his head in agreement. “The problem was you wanted it to be real and I’ve been granting each and every one of your wishes but I forgot not to grant those you wish for through that window! That’s another reason that the Silver Lining must go. Absolutely must go. I’ve made a mess of things—the boss isn’t happy.”
“The important thing is, Andy’s not really here, then, right?”
“Right,” Pete says.
“But since he is, now what—?”
A loud crack of thunder jolts me upright.
“I’ll take care of it,” Pete says, and looks towards the purple and gold mist above us. Another roll of thunder drowns out his words.
“I’m on it already!
Poor Pete—he screwed up. I know I should feel bad, but I don’t. I’m so happy that Andy’s not really here, how can I be sad? There’s only one problem left, the Silver Lining. Pete wants it gone, but I can’t let it go. Not yet. I need more time in it.
FORTY-EIGHT
The Golden Window
Toby and Dixie don’t like Amy Jo. Not one bit. Can you blame them? I think their analysis is based on the scent picked up from her handkerchief that Garrett brought home. In other words, she stinks. I’m not arguing with their opinion. They’re very smart pigs.
Garrett on the other hand is nursing a broken heart. Amy Jo spilled the beans to him when she didn’t win the contest. So, she not only stinks bad—she is bad. Who would hurt someone as kind as Garrett? I mean, he saves little boys from bullies and doesn’t mind getting clobbered in the process. I mean, we’re talking hero here.
Furthermore, Garrett shouldn’t be worried about Amy Jo. He has far more important problems. His liver, that is to say, my liver, is not doing well. Not in his body. He’s running a fever and has flu-like symptoms and I’m all too familiar with what’s going on having been through this with Mona—who’s doing very well for once. She and her husband are celebrating their tenth wedding anniversary.
Back to Garrett. In addition to these other symptoms Garrett’s experiencing, he has, if you will pardon the personal nature of this discussion, a decreased out-put of his urine. I don’t know this from observation, but from the doctor’s measurements. Garrett has to pee into this container and put what’s there into a larger container. Talk about intrusion! But then, they are trying to save his life, so you just have to put up with this stuff. Also, Garrett’s gaining weight and he has fatigue and “crankiness”. But who wouldn’t be with a run-in with Miss Junior-World-Class Witch?
The doctor says the fluid retention has him worried, as well as the abdominal swelling and tenderness and itching.
“How long have you been scratching?” the doctor asks.
Probably since he met Amy Jo—an allergic reaction to girls with ulterior motives.
The bottom line is—these are all symptoms of rejection, as if he hasn’t been rejected enough. Garrett has to be admitted to the hospital; right now, right this very minute. If I could get my hands on Amy Jo I’d smack her a good one. All this tension Garrett’s been experiencing with her probably led to his spiraling downwards. Not that his doctor said so, but I’m a firm believer that stress is the cause of most illness in life. It’s a major killer. I mean, take airplanes. You put an old bolt under stress and a wing falls off the plane mid-air. And buildings—add enough stress in the wrong place and a floor collapses in the middle of a hotel that charges nearly three-hundred dollars a night and kills people! It said so in the paper. Stress, I’m telling you.
Of course, Amy Jo’s nowhere in sight; she’s probably off looking for a new broom that flies faster.
FORTY-NINE
The Golden Window
Okay, I’m not going to lie. I’m absolutely, positively, totally in love with Garrett and I’m having a nervous breakdown because my liver is not doing what it’s supposed to for him and he’s dying!
First, a short lesson in livers: They consist of two main lobes, both of which are made up of thousands of lobules and these lobules are connected to small ducts that connect with larger ducts to form the hepatic duct, which transports bile produced by the liver cells to the gallbladder and duodenum, which is the first part of the small intestine.
Now I know God has a plan and most likely he had one when he made our bodies. But was it really necessary to have an organ with a bunch of ducts that don’t do anything but cart around this yellow gook to our private parts that no one wants to talk about anyway?
Exactly—that’s my thinking. So now my liver’s not carting this pukey stuff around like it should and Garrett’s in major trouble and I’m in love with him and I’m miserable so I go get Pete and cry on his shoulder. And do you know what he says?
“Actually, this could all work out quite nicely.”
“Huh?”
“Lorelei, my child,” he says, and gathers me in his arms, “It means he’ll be coming up here.”
FIFTY
The Silver Lining
I’m setting aside my own heartache to see about a major heartache my father has caused. You remember Kirsten, the beautiful young attorney that has my other kidney, right? The one my father’s sleeping with. Except he’s no longer sleeping with her and she’s about to jump out the window of her office and before my father came along and messed up her life she had a perfectly dreamy boyfriend—a partner in the same law firm—by the name of Jeffrey, who’s heart got major broken when Kirsten fell in love with my father after she got my kidney and he went looking for her.
Someone call Hollywood! This is a major soap opera. The point it, Kirsten’s heartbroken. And I can’t help but wonder what would have happened to her if she’d never gotten my kidney and ended up meeting my father. So, you got it. I’m heading to the Silver Lining. Don’t ask me why. It doesn’t make any sense. It’s not going to change anything. But, I’m crazy with fever for Garrett right now and maybe finding out what could’ve happened to Kirsten will help me accept what couldn’t happen for me. This doesn’t
make any sense either, but I’m going anyway. Obviously, my death’s made a mess of Kirsten’s life. I want to see for myself if I hadn’t died, if her life would’ve been any better.
Carla says, “Lorelei, you’re crazy.”
“I know, I’m crazy in love,”
“Oh, it’s so romantic,” Miss Lily says. Everything’s romantic to her, so it doesn’t count.
Pete says, “We need to talk.”
“Catch you later,” I say and jump into the silver window faster than you can spit and I’m off.
FIFTY-ONE
The Silver Lining
The last time my father visited with Kirsten he tried to explain the situation.
“You knew I was married,” he said.
How pathetic. Of course she knew, but when you’re young and stupid and get swept off your feet you naturally assume Prince Charming’s coming to carry you away. And before my father came along and messed things up, Kirsten had Jeffrey, and Jeffrey’s a pretty okay kind of guy. He would have made her a terrific husband and they may have gone on to have terrific little children and a terrific life. Makes me so mad.
In the Silver Lining, my father doesn’t exist —he’s dead. So I’m about to see what would have happened with Jeffrey and Kirsten under those circumstances. It’s a stupid move, I know. But I want to know if my father really messed up her life or maybe saved her from a worse one. Here goes.
Jeffrey and Kirsten are playing foosball. Jeffrey is winning, but Kirsten plays a pretty mean game.
“Give up?” he says.
“Not on your life. You’re not that far ahead, buster.”
Her hair is tied back in a pony tail. She has on jeans and a pink t-shirt that says I wish these were brains.
Did I mention she has very big breasts?
After foosball they head to a sport bar and join their friends. Most of them are lawyers and the talk around the table turns to billable hours or the lack of enough of them. Jeffery’s a junior partner so it’s not a concern for him. He’s already handling major cases. Some type of litigation for companies spilling toxic substances around and trying to get away with it. Only Jeffery’s firm is the good guy. They go after them.
Jeffery’s tall and dark-haired like Kirsten. They look like they belong together; like Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson. And Jeffery’s very handsome. He has a large even teeth and dark-brown eyes with thick black lashes. The kind girls would kill for.
On Sunday they’re going sky diving; all of them except for Kirsten. Her doctor says it’s out of the question. Her new kidney—which she received from a woman at her church who donated one of hers—is doing fine, but still, I agree with her doctor. Sky diving doesn’t sound like a good sport for a transplant survivor.
“One bad landing and you’re asking for trouble,” is what her doctor told her.
When Sunday arrives, Kirsten’s on the ground watching the others fall to earth. It’s pretty exciting. Jeffery’s the only experienced diver, so he’s on his own. The others are harnessed to a qualified instructor known as a Tandem Master. No previous experience is necessary in this dual harness parachute experience. It says so on a large sign next to the counter where they paid their fee—it’s $195.00 for one jump—and signed a waiver that says they realize jumping out of an airplane has the potential to cause death or serious injury and they will not hold ARC Sky Diving Adventures, Inc. accountable. Now I understand their sign. You don’t need any experience to die or suffer serious injury. This’s starting to make me uncomfortable. I don’t know the others at all, but I like Kirsten and Jeffrey very much. Why can’t Jeffrey take up roller-skating or bowling? Why the compulsion to hurl oneself out of an airplane?
After suiting up, they get a short lesson in jumping. Too short, if you ask me. Then they board the plane and off they go. Kirsten’s on the ground hundreds of feet below them. I can see her waving in the distance. At 14,000 feet, they take a deep breath and one by one the tandem jumpers jump out of the plane. Jeffery’s last. He has on an orange jumpsuit with large black letters splashed across his chest. He turns too fast to exit the plane and I can only make out one of the letters, a large “U”.
After 9,000 feet of freefalling, the instructors open their parachutes and steer their tandem riders to the ground. They each make safe landings. Jeffery’s the only one left in the air. The others lift their eyes and watch as he freefalls across the sky. It’s not too long and his shoot opens. First it flings him backwards, but then he goes forward and floats kind of slowly to the ground. That’s when the unexpected happens. The others step out of their harnesses and make their way to where Jeffery’s going to land. Kirsten’s running along side of them. Jeffery has his arms open wide. The letters across his chess have a message clearly spelled out that now I can see.
Will U Marry Me? is what it says! Kirsten’s got one hand placed on each of her cheeks. You can tell she’s excited. She’s turning pink as Pepto Bismol.. Jeffery removes the harness connected to his chute and makes his way to Kirsten. He drops to his knees. Everybody’s cheering like crazy, including the instructors. Jeffrey pulls a velvet box out of the pocket of his jumpsuit. It’s a princess cut diamond ring as big as an orange. Well, not really, but it’s major big, I’m telling you.
“Kirsten, will you spend the rest of your life with me?” he says.
Kirsten drops to her knees, too, and throws her arms around him. She’s laughing and crying and hugging his neck.
It’s an absolutely, positively, incredibly beautiful moment that never happened. This is the Silver Lining. It’s only what could have happened if I were still alive and my father had left her alone.
What a perfectly wonderful life Kirsten could have had. It’s just too sad to think about. And my father’s, he’s probably not thinking about it at all. He’s ruined Kirsten’s life—he’s ruined everything. He has my heart and he’s positively broken it in two.
FIFTY-TWO
The Golden Window
Me and Pete are having our little pow-wow. “Boy is he full of surprises. Now he thinks it’s a good idea for me to take another trip through the Silver Lining!
“I thought you wanted to dismantle it,” I say.
“I do, but there’s something in it I want you to see first.”
This makes me uneasy and I get this feeling in my stomach like maybe I should go eat something, you know, pig out, forget your troubles—that kind of eating. Because what is the big deal that he wants me to see? Exactly. That’s what I’m thinking and my stomach kind of turns over and says, Oh boy.
“Is it something good?” I ask
“Ah, let’s say it’s—it’s—” he answers, “of m—major importance. I’d very much like you to go.”
I could eat three entire pizzas this very minute.
Pete’s laying on a guilt trip. He says he won’t make me go. It’s just that he very much would like me to go.
“Maybe later,” I say, but I’m thinking something totally different. Like, not on your life. Whatever is sitting in the Silver Lining that he wants me to see can stay there. That dumb window hasn’t been very encouraging lately.
But Pete looks so forlorn. I search for something, anything to make him smile.
“I know what,” I say. “I’m going to go get Carla and explore the Steps to the Hereafter again. Wouldn’t that be great?”
So I won’t be a liar, I go get Carla. We head to the second step. It’s Step of Acceptance. This step I can get into. I very much want to accept all the things that have happened in my life—even the crummy things. Maybe I can even accept what I did to get here. Maybe when I take those last minutes and look them right in the face, no matter how horrid, maybe I’ll find the secret to letting them go.
“Oh, look,” Carla says. “Isn’t it beautiful?”
We climb the long staircase and pass through the door of Acceptance. Instantly we are bathed in a fine cool mist. When we emerge, a gentle breeze tickles our skin. Before us there’s a beautiful beach thick with grains of sand as s
oft and fine as crushed dust. The breeze stirs up the granules. They pepper our bodies. We’re covered from head to toe. We look like sand-ghosts spun out of sugar. Each grain of sand brings back a memory from my life on earth. This time I’m not afraid to face these moments. Well, not at first.
“I had a pretty good life,” Carla says. “I don’t feel the least bit cheated anymore. She dabs at the granules of sand, revisiting each moment. They fall from her body and join the white sand spread out on the beach. She jumps into the water and rinses herself free of every last trace of the sugary granules.
“Come on in!’ she squeals. “The water’s divine.”
Her words don’t sound like her, but I’m happy to join her. I haven’t sorted through the grains of sand I’m covered in, but I want them off of me, pronto! These grains of memory will tell me exactly what happened in the end. I thought I wanted to know. I was wrong. I’m not ready. I dive into the water and splash around like a maniac and don’t stop until every grain of sand is gone.
“Isn’t it splendid?” Carla says. “I feel like an angel. Don’t you?”
Actually I feel more like a coward. I smile and say nothing. Carla turns and makes her way to the next staircase, the step of Attrition.
“Are you coming?” she says.
“Ah, I don’t think so,” I say. “I’m really not into these steps right now,” I add. “Let’s go back.”
“But, it’s so heavenly,” she says. See what I mean about her choice of words?
It scares me. Carla’s no longer herself. I beg her not to go any further, but it’s too late. She’s entering a glass door encrusted with pearls.
“Lorelei,” she says. “Please join me. You won’t believe this magnificent sight.”
“Carla!” I yell. “Come back!”
Too late; the door closes behind her and she’s gone.
FIFTY-THREE
The Heavenly Heart Page 13