by Anna Hill
Of course, even in my imagination, Lio believed in me.
“I don’t think I can get out of this,” I told him. “Lio, I regret ever waiting to be with you. I thought I was doing the right and moral thing by not kissing you, by not fully entering into a relationship with you. I wanted to be loyal to Jacob but… he was never loyal to me. If I could go back and do it all over, I’d spend every moment intimately with you. I wouldn’t have held back anything.”
To think, I missed out on the little time I had with Lio because I was protecting Jacob. That was another thing he had been able to take away from me and I fucking hated him for it.
“What would you have done, if you could?” Lio asked.
“Everything…” I whispered. “I would have had you in every way. You mean the world to me. I’m so in love with you, and if I could give myself to you fully right now, I would. Over and over again. I thought we had time. I thought we had the rest of our lives to be intimate with one another. Now I’ll never see you again.”
“But you will,” Lio assured me. “I'm coming for you, Annabelle. It won’t be long now.”
“I wish I could believe that.” A tear rolled down my face. "But it’s just not true. You’re only saying that because you’re a figment of my imagination. You’re saying what I want to hear.”
His brow furrowed. “No, Annabelle, I mean it. I am coming for you. We all are. Me, Rhyion, and Angelo… We’ve been searching for so long. We had no idea where you could possibly be, but Rhyion knows now. We know, and we’re coming.”
I wasn’t going to argue it anymore. Why should I argue it? It wasn’t real, but it was a damn comforting thought. If I was going to play make-believe, why not just allow myself to be comforted by it?
I nodded. “I can’t wait to see you.”
“Neither can I,” he said.
Slowly, his face began to come close to mine. My heart skipped a beat. If his hand felt real on my cheek, I had to assume that his lips were going to feel real on mine too.
And when we touched, I realized I was absolutely right. His mouth was tangible on mine. It was like he was really here. I could feel his warm temperature, the soft texture of his mouth. And I responded with deeper and deeper kisses, until eventually his tongue reached into my mouth and I felt my entire body tingle with excitement.
It occurred to me that this all was a fantasy, but I didn’t care. I was fully wrapped up in it. This felt so real. Maybe this was what I needed to stay sane in here… To use my phenomenal ability to focus to conjure up Lio for company. I needed company in here or I was going to go absolutely insane.
He climbed on top of me, his legs straddling my waist, his lips never leaving mine. I ran my fingers through his red hair, scratching gently at his scalp, pulling his head even closer to mine.
Our breathing became heavy. How far could I take this? How deep could my imagination go? It had already taken me to places I’d never been with Lio… so could it take me all the way?
I wasn’t allowed enough time to find out.
The door to my room opened and when the light broke through the room, so did my concentration. Lio disappeared from my arms in an instant.
I hated whoever had opened the door.
It was Jacob.
As soon as I realized it was him, I cast my gaze to the ceiling. I refused to even look at him.
“What? Not hungry?” he asked, placing a bowl of oatmeal on the bed next to me.
I didn’t answer.
“Ah, don’t be rude, Annabelle. I’m bringing you food.”
I wanted to tear him to pieces.
“So why don’t you stop, then?” I said, finally looking into his eyes. I knew that rage filled my face and even though I couldn’t do anything to touch him, I could’ve sworn he still looked scared for a moment.
“Stop what?” he asked.
“Stop feeding me. Stop keeping me alive. I mean, why are you even doing it, Jacob? Why not kill me now?”
He rolled his eyes. “I thought you understood by now, Annabelle. We have a plan. Trust that there is a plan in place, and that we know what we’re doing.”
Suddenly, a thought hit me and I had to smile. I didn’t know why it hadn’t occurred to me before.
“I actually do trust that,” I told him. “You all seem very calculated and I’m sure you actually have an excellent reason to keep me alive.” I looked at the white porcelain bowl of oatmeal, running my fingers over the warm edges.
Then, without warning, I grabbed it and threw it at the wall as hard as I could. Oatmeal splattered, the bowl shattered into a bunch of tiny pieces all over the room.
“Hey, what the hell?” Jacob snapped. “I’m not bringing you another one.”
“Oh, but that’s what I’m counting on.” I grinned at him.
His eyes narrowed. “What’s your angle, Annabelle?”
I shrugged. “You’re keeping me alive for a reason, right? I may not know the reason, but I know it must be a damn good one. After all, every day you keep me alive is a risk, even if it’s a minor one. Whatever reason you want me alive is a good one. So what if I stop being a part of your plan? What if I stop eating? What if I devise my own death?”
He scoffed. “You’re threatening to kill yourself now?”
I shrugged. “I’m not particularly suicidal, but let’s be honest here: I’m not getting out of this, right? Whatever happens, I’m stuck here. And as long as I’m alive, I’m clearly doing something positive for King Robert and all his lackeys. So if I can’t hope to defeat you guys anymore, maybe the most I can hope for is to stop helping you.”
I was partly bluffing. At first, I wasn’t sure that what I said was true. Maybe my staying alive wasn’t that important to them. Maybe they just weren’t sure what to do with me yet.
But when I saw the anger that crossed Jacob’s face, I knew instantly I was right. For whatever reason, my being alive actually was important to them. I didn’t know why, but there was at least some power in knowing they didn’t want me dead yet.
“Do not fuck with me, Annabelle.”
I laughed. “You're kidding, right? Jacob, I will do absolutely anything I can to make your life a living hell. So go ahead and run to King Robert now. Tell him what I said. Let him know I threatened to starve to death. See how he wants to handle this little inconvenience.”
His lips tightened. He wanted to say something, probably many things, but for some reason, he held back. He made his way to the door, leaving the shattered bowl all over the floor. Which seemed like a dumb idea if the one person you needed to keep alive just threatened to kill themselves to ruin your plan.
But I guess I couldn’t move far enough out of this bed to grab anything, so what did it matter?
Besides, I wasn’t really about to kill myself. I mean, don’t get me wrong—I’d sooner do that than continue to help the royal humans. But I hadn’t totally given up hope yet. I still was holding onto the idea that I was going to overthrow them and make their lives a living hell.
Something about seeing Lio had rejuvenated me, I guessed. It was weird… I knew it was all fake, but hearing him saying he was coming for me actually did give me hope. It gave me a reason to continue on, even when I didn’t want to. As long as I had hope, I wouldn’t be killing myself.
But Jacob didn’t need to know that. The more stress I could cause him, the better.
I looked back over at the empty side of the bed where fake Lio had been lying. I considered trying to reimagine him into existence, but honestly, it felt like too much energy right now. Like I had used all my focus in talking to him and kissing him. I needed a little break.
So I decided to sleep. Maybe it wasn’t time to sleep, particularly because I had just woken up. It could have been morning. But in this room, there was no morning. There was no night. I didn’t have to abide by those rules to sleep. I could sleep whenever I wanted, and I often did because most of the time, I dreamt of my mother. And I was desperate to see her, to talk to her, to have any
connection with her. Just like Lio, I didn’t care if it was fake. As long as it felt real for a short time. That was the only solace I ever got.
So I closed my eyes and tried to dream.
2
I was back in the field, though this time, there was a large, clear blue lake off to my right.
This time, I knew it was a dream going in. Sometimes I knew. Sometimes I was just confused and constantly wondered what was going on. There didn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to me knowing whether I was dreaming or not.
My mom was standing at the edge of the lake, wearing a lacy, white gown. It was full-length, the bottom of her skirt grazed the grass and her bare feet. She was looking down at her reflection in the crystal-clear water.
I walked up behind her, and she turned around and smiled at me.
“You’re back… and you did it.”
My mother was always making weird, vague comments like this to me in my dreams. It didn’t mean anything, of course. It was just dream gibberish. But still, I conversed with her since it was the only way we could speak.
“What did I do, Mom?” I asked.
“You discovered the inner power you were born with.”
Yep, more vague platitudes. I could only assume she said things like this because they were the kind of things my mind actually wanted to hear from her. I wanted her to say how well I had done. I wanted her to talk about all the witch-related things she never had the courage to tell me about in real life.
Or maybe courage was the wrong word… But I didn’t know the right one.
“I actually haven’t been able to use that power in a long time, Mother,” I told her. “I really wish that I could, but I can’t anymore.”
She grinned at me. “And yet, here you are.”
Usually our conversations made more sense than this, and I had to admit, it was frustrating me that the dream version of my mom was giving me gibberish. It was just a reminder that this was not real and never would be real.
So I opted out of the conversation, and instead leaned in to hug her, wrapping my arms as tightly as I could against her warm body.
She hugged back, putting one hand on the back of my head. She was a bit taller than me and leaned her head on top of mine.
“Oh, sweetheart, I know it’s hard. I wish I didn’t have to put this burden on you. But it is your birthright and there’s nothing you or I can do. But I promise you, your life won’t always be difficult. One day, you’re going to be so, so happy, my dear. You just have to get through this.”
My voice cracked. “That’s the thing, Mom. I actually think it is going to be difficult for the rest of my life. I really messed up this time, and there’s no coming back. I’m… pretty much doomed.”
“You’re not doomed, baby. You’re going to get through this. You need to have faith in yourself. I thought you were finally starting to believe you were a powerful witch.”
“I was,” I admitted. “I really felt like I was. I was even getting a little cocky, feeling like no human would ever be able to defeat me. But then… all that power got taken away from me.”
“Because of that necklace?” she asked.
I nodded.
“Honey, they may stop your external powers, but a witch’s internal powers can never be controlled. You have a power inside you that will not be contained. If they think they’ll control you forever, they’re stupider than I thought.”
Once again, this was something I wanted desperately to believe. I was in anguish over the thought that the rest of my (likely short) life was going to be spent locked away in a room. But I knew this was just my mind comforting me. There was no truth to it. And I couldn’t allow myself to get hopeful… it would only hurt that much more when I failed.
“I wish you were here, Mom,” I told her. “I’d give up any power to go back in time and just stay with you.” Even though it would break my heart to lose my boys, it was true. My parents were still my greatest loves, and I missed them so much.
“So would I,” she told me.
I pulled away slightly and looked at her. Even though I knew I wasn’t going to get any real answers, I felt motivated to ask anyway.
“Mom, did Dad know about you? Did he know where I came from?”
“Of course!” she said quickly. “I loved your father with all my heart. I would have never put him in danger without letting him know the risks. I told him who I was before we married, expecting that he’d likely want to walk away and protect himself from the danger of being with me.”
“He didn’t, though.”
She smiled. "No, your father is no weak man. He is the greatest human I have ever met. He was ready for the task.”
This comforted me. I always looked up to my parents’ relationship as the shining example of true love. After I found out who I was, I hated the thought that this whole time my mom had been lying to my father. It would mean that their relationship was fake, based on a lie, and not the marriage that I thought it was.
Of course, that could have still been true. This was still a dream. However, my father truly was a great, brave man who loved my mother. So I was going to choose to believe this was how it actually happened.
“Did you only ever love him?” I asked.
She raised an eyebrow. “How do you mean?”
“I mean… I heard this kind of crazy thing. That in the past, a lot of witches had harems of men that they loved. That they could love multiple men equally. Did that… ever happen to you?”
She laughed. “No, it didn’t. Your father was the only one I ever loved. But it’s not a lie, many witches did have harems. Some didn’t, though. Life is complicated, Annabelle. It doesn’t exist in black and white. For some people, we only have one person on this earth. Others have many soulmates. We’re all on our own journey.”
I had started to believe that the harem thing was true once I began to have feelings for Lio. Because I believed I loved Jacob still and didn’t want to deny either relationship.
However, with Jacob out of the picture, I was starting to think I was more like my mother. Maybe Lio was the only one for me.
It was a frivolous thing to be thinking about, considering my circumstances. I’d never be able to love anyone again, so what was the point in trying to determine what kind of witch I was?
But what were dreams for, if not for frivolity? This was about escaping my dire circumstances, not focusing on them.
“You’re going to have to go very soon,” my mother told me.
I wrapped my arms around her again. “I really don’t want to.”
“I know,” she said. “But you don’t have a choice.”
She was right. I woke up with a start as I heard the heavy, metal door open again.
It was Jacob again. I had no idea how long it had been. There was no way to determine how long I slept anymore.
He had another bowl in his hand, and I looked to the floor to see that the shards of the last bowl had been cleaned up. There was no longer any oatmeal on the wall, either.
“You think you’re just going to walk in with more food and I’m going to partake?” I asked him. “I thought I made myself very clear.”
“Well, I figured you’d be getting hungry at some point,” he responded bluntly, as he shut the door.
The metal chair that I was initially chained up to was still sitting in the middle of the room. Jacob grabbed it, dragging it across the floor. The metal on metal made a horrible screeching sound, and I gritted my teeth in response, though Jacob seemed unfazed. He stopped when the chair was at my bedside.
It wasn’t close enough for me to reach him, because if it had been, I’d have wrapped my hands around his throat and attempted to choke him to death. But he knew that.
He had the bowl in his lap. “You’re going to eat this time because life is going to get much harder for you if you don’t.”
I looked at him skeptically. “I can’t believe my staying alive is so important to you guys that you’re actually going to
swallow your pride to try to get me to eat. It’s actually pretty pathetic. How the hell could my life be this important to you?”
He stared at me, stone-faced. “I’m doing this for you, Annabelle. I don’t want to see your life get any worse.”
I scoffed. “Yeah, I’m sure you’re very worried about my quality of life,” I said, as I lifted my hands and shook my chains around in emphasis.
He shrugged. “Fine, maybe I’m worried about my quality of life. If you don’t eat, my world gets a little more difficult.”
I threw my hands up in the air. “Finally, some honesty! What a breath of fresh air! Or it would be, if I had a goddamn window for air.”
This was the first time since I’d arrived that I felt like I actually had the upper hand. Up until now, I’d been a complete victim. I was at their mercy. There wasn’t a thing I could do to irritate them, to anger them, to hurt them the way they hurt me. I had no control.
So while the control I had now was only a tiny amount, I was going to hold onto it. Better yet, I was thinking of how I could turn this to my advantage.
“If you answer a few questions of mine, I’ll eat,” I told him.
He shook his head. “That isn’t how this works. There will be no exchange here. You’re lucky you’re getting food at all.”
“Not the way I see it. I don’t feel like that bland-as-shit oatmeal is any kind of favor to me at all. It’s just another thing to keep me alive here when I don’t want to be. My whole life is torture; I don’t think there’s much more you can do to me to make me eat. I mean, sure, you can torture me further, I guess. But you know I’m only going to refuse even more. So if you want me to take that bowl, you’re going to have to give a little.”
I could see the irritation building up in him. He hated that I had any control over him now. But I did.
It was likely that King Robert had tasked him with feeding me, and if he failed, he’d fail his king. That’d be the only way I could envision him letting his pride slip away so easily.
“Don’t worry,” I added. “I won’t ask anything I know you can’t tell me. Just some casual questions.”