by Tyler Ward
Three. Holding this material as a standard over your spouse’s head will only make the path to a healthy marriage longer for both of you. I’d recommend against it.
But I digress.
My observations, in my own life and throughout culture, have red-flagged three mentalities that seem to consistently stand in the way of men and a healthy marriage. These three mentalities include misplaced priorities, misinformed definitions of success, and the misadventure of fantasy.
MISPLACED PRIORITIES.
I have a confession to make. I’m a recovering workaholic.
When I say workaholic, I don’t necessarily mean the kind who works 100-plus hour weeks. I mean the kind who has made decisions for most of my adult life entirely based on how it affects my work and income—oftentimes to the neglect of far more meaningful areas of life. In other words, my priorities have been dominated by my career—and when it came down to it, if my wife’s needs or preferences came in the way of my production at work, work was often the easy choice to make.
Analee’s Point of View. I feel I am very supportive of Ty chasing his dreams and coming alive in his work. Though it was almost as if once he conquered the quest of winning me, he didn’t think he’d have to put as much energy into maintaining our relationship. Ty is a very focused individual, and it was and is a challenge for us to find the work/home life balance. We ran into even more challenges becoming parents.
Unfortunately, we live in a culture that promotes this way of life. If we want to be successful at something, common cultural knowledge suggests, we must make that one thing our deepest passion and top priority—regardless of the cost.
Napoleon Hill, the American writer often attributed as the founder of personal success literature, summarizes our culture’s paradigm well: “Because he chose a definite goal, placed all of his energy, all of his will power, all of his effort, everything back of this goal. He stood by it until it became the dominating obsession of his life, burning all bridges behind him.”1
Napoleon’s sentiment here is often applauded as a worthy part of the American Dream. But if you ask me, I think Napoleon missed the point. And I believe we have enough proof to conclude this from the common headlines of so many of our most successful professionals and their deathbed regrets of chasing their career at the cost of relationships.
It’s a modern problem, to be sure, but we find the antidote by looking backward into history. As it turns out, these deathbed regrets seem to be legitimized by an ancient king and a modern Jewish rabbi worth listening to.
MARRIAGE > CAREER.
The writer of Proverbs once said, “An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels.”2 This was a shocking statement because jewels in that time were the modern day equivalent of excessive wealth. They were both the means to a life of luxury and the objects worn to prove that life of luxury. The writer, in essence, is claiming that a good spouse—and therefore marriage—is more valuable than money.
Rabbi Shalom Arush tells another story about a young wife he knew who, like Analee, felt like her husband didn’t have the time for her and the kids. No matter how many times she would ask, he still never came home from work on time.
The man countered, “Rabbi, believe me that I don’t waste time. My schedule is simply jammed from morning until night and urgent situations needing my attention are a commonplace. Is this my fault? And, in the end, my overtime is for the sake of my wife and my kids. I wouldn’t come home late unless there was a legitimate reason to.”3
Rabbi Arush politely let him finish before responding.
“You’re dead wrong,” the rabbi said. “All of your problems—financial, relational, professional—are because your marriage isn’t your highest priority. The gains that a spouse will feel on both a spiritual and material level defy description, once they make their marriage first place.”4
The rabbi had officially lost me.
I was persuaded that as an entrepreneur, or any professional with career goals, my career must take the throne of my priorities for at least several years. But the rabbi was saying putting my wife first would also bring me professional success. Could it be true?
I assume most of us have our own version of this persuasion. Whether you’re a stay-at-home dad simply trying to raise your kids well or a professional focused on putting food on the table, there’s always another pursuit—other than our marriage—begging for our primary attention.
I was skeptical of the rabbi’s argument. But after observing that putting my work ahead of my marriage had produced little more than paying bills and an unhappy wife, I figured giving Shalom’s derailing hypothesis a test drive couldn’t hurt.
A CASE STUDY IN PRIORITIES
I made Rabbi Arush’s claim my hypothesis for thirty-one days: “If one was to make their spouse feel more important than any other part of their life, they would experience benefits in all other areas of their life.”
Then I put the scientific method to good use.
I did the same four things every day to intentionally communicate to my wife that she was more important to me than my career.
One. I would tell her I loved her and one thing I loved about her as the absolute first thing I did each day.
Two. I would reach out to her two to three times during my workday via call, text, email, Facebook post, or a lunch date.
Three. On the way home from work, I would mentally transition out of work-mode to be able to make her and her day my one focus when home.
Four. I would intentionally emotionally connect with her at least once a day. This often took on the face of a conversation alone, praying together, or sex.
I then measured six different areas of my life on a scale from one to ten every night before I went to bed.
Priority Points. I would earn a perfect ten if I executed all four variables with sincerity (as opposed to obligation). My score would drop from there depending on my lack of execution or intentionality. Sadly, you will soon see I have consistency issues.
Quality of Life. A score of ten indicated general happiness and hopefulness about life. A day of stress, pessimism, and short-sightedness was given a one.
Peace in the Home. A score of ten indicated a day of total serenity in our home, complete with no fights, no meltdowns, and no complaining. A one, on the contrary, alluded to a consistent presence of conflict. You know, “the nights on the couch” kind of days.
Marital Enjoyment. A ten was given when my wife and I wanted to be and enjoyed being around each other. A one was a day spent wanting to stay at work to avoid her and a deep interest in hiding when home.
Career Flow and Productivity. Ten points were awarded for a focused and productive day at work. One point indicated an ADD and unproductive day.
Child’s Behavior. I gave the day a ten when my sixteen-month-old son got through the day without exhibiting any unwanted behavior such as meltdowns or tantrums.
If you read chapter 3, you already know how this story ends. After thirty-one days, the evidence spoke for itself: when I make my wife my number one priority, every other area of my life begins to thrive.
See the results for yourself.
The data doesn’t lie—and apparently neither does the rabbi. The green line above represents my prioritization of Analee, and you’ll notice that every other line seems to follow it. In other words, my entire life experience is influenced by the level of investment I make in my marriage.
Remarkably, prioritizing my wife over my work became the best way to invite her into my work—which then greatly benefited.
Of course, every marriage and every spouse is unique—each with their own variables. Yet this priority phenomenon seems to have some level of truth for every man, regardless of uncontrollable outliers. As the rabbi suggests, “Once a husband invests the time to give a wife the secure feeling of coming first in his life, he’s virtually free to do as he pleases. Yet, when the wife lacks that security, the husband will find himself investing hour after hou
r in trying to placate her.”5
In the end, we all know work is important. It’s not a gender-specific pursuit, either, of course. Both men and women long to do good and meaningful work in a variety of ways. And by no means am I trying to build a case against diligence in our professional pursuits. However, we need to be aware of our propensity to overvalue work at the cost of undervaluing our relationship with our spouse.
So instead of waiting until the end like some of the world’s most successful elite, let’s get it right now—by putting our marriage first.
MISINFORMED DEFINITIONS OF SUCCESS.
The reality is that my workaholism—our workaholism—doesn’t come from nowhere. And to help us put our marriage first over our professional pursuits, we need to better understand why we’re motivated to work hard in the first place.
This brings us to the second mentality toxic to husbands today.
Put simply, conventional society often promotes a tragically low, unimaginative mold for success—yet it’s a mold many of us are susceptible to.
Suits.
Big houses.
Stage spotlights.
Nice cars.
Picket fences.
Beach homes.
Magazine covers.
Bill Gates.
Brad Pitt.
Mark Zuckerberg.
Unfortunately, this lack of imagination has a trickle-down effect into our personal definitions of success. Whether we recognize it or not, our ideas of success are often simply inherited from others. They may come from our parents, from Hollywood, or from some slightly overweight, middle-aged ad man who drives a red convertible and gets paid far too much to create TV commercials.
Here’s the catch. Modern versions of success are overrated and incomplete.
According to the most common dictionaries and—let’s be honest—our own opinions, success can be defined as “the attainment of popularity or profit.”6 And though this seems to capture the vision of big homes and Bill Gates, history has already shown us that luxury and fame rarely amount to much of a life.
Don’t believe me? Hear it from the rich and famous themselves:
According to Brad Pitt, “Fame makes you feel permanently like a girl walking past construction workers.”7
“Don’t try to be a billionaire,” suggests Bill Gates. “It’s overrated.”8
“Fame is overrated,” says Keira Knightley, “and it frightens me when kids say ‘I want to be famous.’ ”9
Jesus says, “Not even when one has an abundance does his life consist of his possessions.”10
We all know that money and fame are not inherently bad. We understand the meaningful role finances and influence can play in life. The real issue is that money and fame often make up our entire definition of success—leaving relationships, health, and faith to be slotted in and undervalued.
Once again, we’ve heard too many deathbed confessions from our brightest, most successful stars about how they wish they would have cared less about their career or money and more about family and friends. We know better than to believe that wealth and fame make a good brand of success.
It’s time we intentionally re-architect our definition of success with the health of our marriages in mind.
A DIFFERENT PICTURE OF SUCCESS
As we discussed in chapter 2, the original word describing the relationship between man and woman uses the Hebraic root picture of esh, or “fire.”
This image evokes a dynamic relationship, and a refining relationship.11
Yet there’s even more to this image.
The word Ish—man in hebrew—is depicted by two pictures, the fire (Esh) with the “yod” symbol—meaning hand—in the middle of it.
Ishshah—woman in Hebrew—is the real hidden gem. It’s depicted by a fire—esh—with the symbol “hey” added on. And in typical Hebrew fashion, when the hey comes at the end of the word as it does in ishshah, it means to “come out of.”12
Let’s slow down and catch this because the original Hebrew pictorial language has an insightful way of speaking practically to things that are still very relevant today.
A man—within the context of a relationship with a woman—is represented by a hand in the middle of a fire. This seems to suggest that one of his primary roles is to labor in or to tend the fire, or to intentionally foster the relationship.
The word picture for woman within the context of marriage seems to suggest that one of her primary roles is to “come out of” the fire that a man tends.
Two thousand years later, the apostle Paul gives us an even clearer picture (my commentary added): “Husbands, love your wives [tend the fire], just as Jesus also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her … that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory [that she may come out of the fire and be presented in all of her glory].”13
In light of this, we may reconsider our ideas of what it means to be part of this picture. Yes, supporting our wives financially—or in their careers—is important for working men, but it doesn’t begin to capture its scope.
Jesus did everything He did, made all the sacrifice He made, so that His bride could experience life “abundantly”14 and have every opportunity to be a “city on a hill”15 and be revealed “in all her glory.”16 This was His brand of success. And according to Paul, it’s now the brand He passes on to us as husbands.
This definition of success is gauged by how intentionally and intelligently a man invests in his marriage. His success is defined by the fullness of life—the vitality and thriving—of his wife.
If this is true, then our primary question changes. It is no longer, “How can I or my wife get ahead in our careers today to better support our family?” Rather, the question becomes: “What can I do today to make my wife come alive?”
And for all you women still with us, here’s a question for you too: “How can I urge my husband on in his own process of development? How can I help him to become the best version of himself?”
THREE QUESTIONS FOR DESIGNING A BETTER LIFE AND MARRIAGE
Once we take a deeper look at our ideas of success, it’s easy to see that we may not necessarily want these inherited definitions. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to live a carbon copy life of someone else’s ideas of success. If that’s you too, here are a few questions that may be a helpful starting point in redefining it.
1. What is success to you?
Success doesn’t have to look the same for everyone. It doesn’t have to look like what your family or friends expect. We all function differently, with different gifts and different ideas of what a fulfilling life would look like, so you’re free to define success for yourself.
When I discussed these questions recently with some friends, we all approached our answer differently. I redefined success as a simple and local life that is professionally exciting, relationally connected, and spiritually inspired.
Here were some additional pieces of the definitions that came out of our time:
“No matter the income, my work has a sense of purpose and progress.”
“My wife has life in her eyes and my kids are emotionally empowered.”
“The time and geographic location to foster relationships with people who challenge, encourage, and inspire me, and of whom I can reciprocate the same.”
No matter where you are in life, this question can help you evaluate what you want in terms that are more holistic than just the number of digits on your paycheck or the recognition you receive.
Although we also need to be discerning in what is motivating our specific idea of success, which brings us to question two.
2. Why do you want this brand of success?
The answer to this question is arguably the most significant layer to redefining success. Being pushed by fear or expectations isn’t nearly as powerful as being pulled by purpose and vision.
Again, here are some examples I’ve come across in recent conversations with friends:
“For the time and energy to invest into my family and friends.”
“To offer my wife and children the opportunity to fully experience and enjoy life: education, international exposure, skill training, adventures.”
“To take care of friends and family with finances, quality time, a safe place, life wisdom.”
“For independence from ‘the system’ and freedom of choice.”
One friend revised a phrase from author Wallace Wattles: “I want to be financially successful to eat, drink, and be merry when it is time to do these things, in order that I may surround myself with beautiful things, see distant lands with my kids, feed my mind, spend time with people I love, and develop my intellect; in order that I may love others and do kind things, and be able to play a good part in helping the world to find truth.”17
3. What’s one thing you’re willing to give up for this brand of success?
Any time you set a goal, you can expect resistance in the process of reaching it. Answering this third and final question will help you identify that resistance, hang a target on it, and overcome it before you’ve even started.
This requires giving something up—any bad habits or attitudes that might be holding you back.
Recent examples I’ve heard include:
“Obsession with working too much.”
“Fear of criticism and preference for hiddenness.”
“Need for security and financial control.”
“Finding my identity in what I do.”
Your idea of success will probably shift many times throughout your life, but thinking through your priorities now will mean the world for your future. Whether you are working your dream job, just trying to get by, or still unsure of exactly what you want to do, take some time to ask yourself these questions to design your brand of success and thus, find a more meaningful expression of life.