by Ben Jonson
SIR POLITIC: I would I had my note.
PEREGRINE: Faith, so would I.
But you ha’ done well for once, sir.
SIR POLITIC: Were I false,
Or would be made so, I could show you reasons
130 How I could sell this state, now, to the Turk –
Spite of their galleys, or their ̵
PEREGRINE: Pray you, Sir Pol.
SIR POLITIC: I have ’em not about me.
PEREGRINE: That I feared.
They’re there, sir?
SIR POLITIC: No, this is my diary,
Wherein I note my actions of the day.
PEREGRINE: Pray you let‘s see, sir. What is here? – ’Notandum,
A rat had gnawn my spur leathers; notwithstanding,
I put on new and did go forth; but first
I threw three beans over the threshold. Item,
I went and bought two toothpicks, whereof one
140 I burst, immediately, in a discourse
With a Dutch merchant ’bout ragion del stato
From him I went and paid a moccenigo
For piecing my silk stockings; by the way
I cheapened sprats, and at St Mark’s I urined.’
Faith, these are politic notes!
SIR POLITIC: Sir, I do slip
No action of my life, thus, but I quote it.
PEREGRINE: Believe me it is wise!
SIR POLITIC: Nay, sir, read forth.
IV, ii [Enter LADY WOULD-BE, NANO, and two WOMEN.]
[LADY WOULD-BE:] Where should this loose knight be, trow?
Sure, he’s housed.
NANO: Why, then he’s fast.
LADY WOULD-BE: Ay, he plays both with me.
I pray you stay. This heat will do more harm
To my complexion than his heart is worth.
I do not care to hinder, but to take him.
How it comes off! [Rubbing her rouged cheeks.]
1ST WOMAN: My master’s yonder.
LADY WOULD-BE: Where?
2ND WOMAN: With a young gentleman.
LADY WOULD-BE: The same’s the party!
In man’s apparel! Pray you, sir, jog my knight.
I will be tender to his reputation,
However he demerit.
SIR POLITIC: My lady!
10 PEREGRINE: Where?
SIR POLITIC: ’Tis she indeed; sir, you shall know her. She is,
Were she not mine, a lady of that merit
For fashion, and behaviour, and for beauty
I durst compare –
PEREGRINE: It seems you are not jealous,
That dare commend her.
SIR POLITIC: Nay, and for discourse –
PEREGRINE: Being your wife, she cannot miss that.
SIR POLITIC: Madam,
Here is a gentleman; pray you, use him fairly;
He seems a youth, but he is –
LADY WOULD-BE: None?
SIR POLITIC: Yes, one
Has put his face as soon into the world –
20 LADY WOULD-BE: You mean, as early? But today?
SIR POLITIC: How’s this?
LADY WOULD-BE: Why, in this habit, sir; you apprehend me!
Well, Master Would-be, this doth not become you.
I had thought the odour, sir, of your good name
Had been more precious to you; that you would not
Have done this dire massàcre on your honour,
One of your gravity, and rank besides!
But knights, I see, care little for the oath
They make to ladies, chiefly their own ladies.
SIR POLITIC: Now, by my spurs, the symbol of my knighthood –
30 PEREGRINE [aside]: Lord, how his brain is humbled for an oath!
SIR POLITIC: I reach you not.
LADY WOULD-BE: Right, sir, your policy
May bear it through thus. [To PEREGRINE] Sir, a word with you,
I would be loath to contest publicly
With any gentlewoman, or to seem
Froward, or violent; as The Courtier says
It comes too near rusticity in a lady,
Which I would shun by all means. And, however
I may deserve from Master Would-be, yet
T’ have one fair gentlewoman, thus, be made
40 Th’ unkind instrument to wrong another,
And one she knows not, ay, and to persèver,
In my poor judgement, is not warranted
From being a solecism in our sex,
If not in manners.
PEREGRINE: How is this!
SIR POLITIC: Sweet madam,
Come nearer to your aim.
LADY WOULD-BE: Marry, and will, sir.
Since you provoke me with your impudence
And laughter of your light land-siren here,
Your Sporus, your hermaphrodite –
PEREGRINE: What’s here?
Poetic fury and historic storms!
50 SIR POLITIC: The gentleman, believe it, is of worth,
And of our nation.
LADY WOULD-BE: Ay, your Whitefriars nation!
Come, I blush for you, Master Would-be, ay;
And am ashamed you should ha’ no more forehead
Than thus to be the patron, or St George,
To a lewd harlot, a base fricatrice,
A female devil in a male outside.
SIR POLITIC: Nay,
An’ you be such a one, I must bid adieu
To your delights. The case appears too liquid.
[Exit.]
LADY WOULD-BE: Ay, you may carry’t clear, with your state-face!
60 But for your carnival concupiscence,
Who here is fled for liberty of conscience,
From furious persecution of the marshal,
Her will I disc’ple.
PEREGRINE: This is fine, i’ faith!
And do you use this often? Is this part
Of your wit’s exercise, ’gainst you have occasion?
Madam –
LADY WOULD-BE: Go to sir.
PEREGRINE: Do you hear me, lady?
Why, if your knight have set you to beg shirts,
Or to invite me home, you might have done it
A nearer way by far.
LADY WOULD-BE: This cannot work you
70 Out of my snare.
PEREGRINE: Why, am I in it, then?
Indeed, your husband told me you were fair,
And so you are; only your nose inclines –
That side that’s next the sun – to the queen-apple.
LADY WOULD-BE: This cannot be endured by any patience!
IV, iii [Enter MOSCA.]
[MOSCA:] What’s the matter, madam?
LADY WOULD-BE: If the Senate
Right not my quest in this, I will protest ’em
To all the world no aristocracy.
MOSCA: What is the injury, lady?
LADY WOULD-BE: Why, the callet
You told me of, here I have ta’ en disguised.
MOSCA: Who? This! What means your ladyship? The creature
I mentioned to you is apprehended, now
Before the Senate. You shall see her –
LADY WOULD-BE: Where?
MOSCA: I’ll bring you to her. This young gentleman,
10 I saw him land this morning at the port.
LADY WOULD-BE: Is’t possible? How has my judgement wandered!
Sir, I must, blushing, say to you, I have erred;
And plead your pardon.
PEREGRINE: What, more changes yet?
LADY WOULD-BE: I hope y’ ha’ not the malice to remember
A gentlewoman’s passion. If you stay
In Venice, here, please you to use me, sir –
MOSCA: Will you go, madam?
LADY WOULD-BE: Pray you, sir, use me. In faith,
The more you see me, the more I shall conceive
You have forgot our quarrel.
[Exeunt LADY WOULD-BE, MOSCA, NANO, and WOMEN.
]
PEREGRINE: This is rare!
20 Sir Politic Would-be? No, Sir Politic Bawd,
To bring me, thus, acquainted with his wife!
Well, wise Sir Pol, since you have practised thus
Upon my freshmanship, I’ll try your salt-head,
What proof it is against a counter-plot.
[Exit.]
IV, iv [SCENE TWO]
[The Scrutineo, or Senate House.]
[Enter VOLTORE, CORBACCIO, CORVINO, and MOSCA.]
[VOLTORE:] Well, now you know the carriage of the business,
Your constancy is all that is required,
Unto the safety of it.
MOSCA: Is the lie
Safely conveyed amongst us? Is that sure?
Knows every man his burden?
CORVINO: Yes.
MOSCA: Then shrink not.
CORVINO [aside to MOSCA]: But knows the Advocate the truth?
MOSCA: O sir,
By no means. I devised a formal tale
That salved your reputation. But be valiant, sir.
CORVINO: I fear no one but him, that this his pleading
Should make him stand for a co-heir –
10 MOSCA: Co-halter!
Hang him, we will but use his tongue, his noise,
As we do Croaker’s here. [Indicating CORBACCIO.]
CORVINO: Ay, what shall he do?
MOSCA: When we ha’ done, you mean?
CORVINO: Yes.
MOSCA: Why, we’ll think:
Sell him for mummia, he’s half dust already.
(To VOLTORE.)
Do not you smile to see this buffalo,
How he doth sport it with his head? – I should,
If all were well and past.(To CORBACCIO) Sir, only you
Are he that shall enjoy the crop of all,
And these not know for whom they toil.
CORBACCIO: Ay, peace.
20 MOSCA (To CORVINO): But you shall eat it. – Much! –
(To VOLTORE again) Worshipful sir,
Mercury sit upon your thund’ ring tongue,
Or the French Hercules, and make your language
As conquering as his club, to beat along,
As with a tempest, flat, our adversaries;
But much more yours, sir.
VOLTORE: Here they come, ha’ done.
MOSCA: I have another witness if you need, sir,
I can produce.
VOLTORE: Who is it?
MOSCA: Sir, I have her.
IV, V [Enter Four AVOCATORI, BONARIO, CELIA, NOTARIO, COMMENDATORI, and others.]
[1ST AVOCATORE:] The like of this the Senate never heard of.
2ND AVOCATORE: ’Twill come most strange to them when we report it.
4TH AVOCATORE: The gentlewoman has been ever held Of unreprovèd name.
3RD AVOCATORE: So the young man.
4TH AVOCATORE: The more unnatural part that of his father.
2ND AVOCATORE: More of the husband.
1ST AVOCATORE: I not know to give
His act a name, it is so monstrous!
4TH AVOCATORE: But the impostor, he is a thing created T’ exceed example.
1ST AVOCATORE: And all after-times!
10 2ND AVOCATORE: I never heard a true voluptuary
Described but him.
3RD AVOCATORE: Appear yet those were cited?
NOTARIO: All but the old magnifico, Volpone.
1ST AVOCATORE: Why is not he here?
MOSCA: Please your fatherhoods,
Here is his advocate. Himself’s so weak,
So feeble –
4TH AVOCATORE: What are you?
BONARIO: His parasite,
His knave, his pander! I beseech the court
He may be forced to come, that your grave eyes
May bear strong witness of his strange impostures.
VOLTORE: Upon my faith and credit with your virtues,
20 He is not able to endure the air.
2ND AVOCATORE: Bring him, however.
3RD AVOCATORE: We will see him.
4TH AVOCATORE: Fetch him.
[Exeunt OFFICERS.]
VOLTORE: Your fatherhoods’ fit Pleasures Be Obeyed,
But sure the sight will rather move your pities
Than indignation. May it please the court,
In the meantime he may be heard in me!
I know this place most void of prejudice,
And therefore crave it, since we have no reason
To fear our truth should hurt our cause.
3RD AVOCATORE: Speak free.
VOLTORE: Then know, Most Honoured Fathers, I Must now
30 Discover to your strangely abusèd ears
The most prodigious and most frontless piece
Of solid impudence, and treachery,
That ever vicious nature yet brought forth
To shame the state of Venice. This lewd woman,
[Indicating CELIA.]
That wants no artificial looks or tears
To help the visor she has now put on,
Hath long been known a close adulteress
To that lascivious youth, there;
[Indicating BONARIO.]
not suspected,
I say, but known, and taken, in the act,
40 With him; and by this man, the easy husband,
[Indicating CORVINO.]
Pardoned; Whose timeless bounty makes him now
Stand here, the most unhappy, innocent person
That ever man’s own goodness made accused.
For these, not knowing how to owe A gift
Of that dear grace but with their shame, being placed
So above all powers of their gratitude,
Began to hate the benefit, and in place
Of thanks, devise t’ extirp the memory
Of such an act. Wherein, I pray your fatherhoods
50 To observe the malice, yea, the rage of creatures
Discovered in their evils; and what heart
Such take, even from their crimes. But that anon
Will more appear. This gentleman, the father,
[Indicating CORBACCIO.]
Hearing of this foul fact, with many others,
Which daily struck at his too tender ears,
And grieved in nothing more than that he could not
Preserve himself a parent (his son’s ills
Growing to that strange flood) at last decreed
To disinherit him.
1ST AVOCATORE: These be strange turns!
60 2ND AVOCATORE: The young man’s fame was ever fair and honest.
VOLTORE: So much more full of danger is his vice,
That can beguile so under shade of virtue.
But as I said, my honoured sires, his father
Having this settled purpose (by what means
To him betrayed, we know not) and this day
Appointed for the deed, that parricide,
(I cannot style him better) by confederacy
Preparing this his paramour to be there,
Entered Volpone’s house – who was the man,
70 Your fatherhoods must understand, designed
For the inheritance – there sought his father.
But with what purpose sought he him, my lords?
I tremble to pronounce it, that a son
Unto a father, and to such a father,
Should have so foul, felonious intent:
It was to murder him! When, being prevented
By his more happy absence, what then did he?
Not check his wicked thoughts? No, now new deeds!
(Mischief doth ever end where it begins)
80 An act of horror, fathers! He dragged forth
The agèd gentleman, that had there lain bed-rid
Three years and more, out off his innocent couch,
Naked upon the floor, there left him; wounded
His servant in the face; and, with this strumpet,
The stale to his forged
practice, who was glad
To be so active (I shall here desire
Your fatherhoods to note but my collections
As most remarkable) thought at once to stop
His father’s ends, discredit his free choice
90 In the old gentleman, redeem themselves
By laying infamy upon this man,
To whom, with blushing, they should owe their lives.
1ST AVOCATORE: What proofs have you of this?
BONARIO: Most honoured fathers,
I humbly crave there be no credit given
To this man’s mercenary tongue.
2ND AVOCATORE: Forbear.
BONARIO: His soul moves in his fee.
3RD AVOCATORE: O, sir!
BONARIO: This Fellow,
For six sols more would plead against his Maker.
1ST AVOCATORE: You do forget yourself.
VOLTORE: Nay, nay, grave fathers,
Let him have scope. Can any man imagine
100 That he will spare ’s accuser, that would not
Have spared his parent?
1ST AVOCATORE: Well, produce your proofs.
CELIA: I would I could forget I were a creature!
VOLTORE: Signor Corbaccio!
4TH AVOCATORE: What is he?
VOLTORE: The father.
2ND AVOCATORE: Has he had an oath?
NOTARIO: Yes.
CORBACCIO: What must I do now?
NOTARIO: Your testimony’s craved.
CORBACCIO [not hearing]: Speak to the knave?
I’ll ha’ my mouth first stopped with earth. My heart
Abhors his knowledge. I disclaim in him.
1ST AVOCATORE: But for what cause?
CORBACCIO: The mere portent of nature.
He is an utter stranger to my loins.
110 BONARIO: Have they made you to this?
CORBACCIO: I will not hear thee,
Monster of men, swine, goat, wolf, parricide!
Speak not, thou viper.
BONARIO: Sir, I will sit down,
And rather wish my innocence should suffer,
Than I resist the authority of a father.
VOLTORE: Signor Corvino!
2ND AVOCATORE: This is strange.
1ST AVOCATORE: Who’s this?
NOTARIO: The husband.
4TH AVOCATORE: Is he sworn?
NOTARIO: He is.
3RD AVOCATORE: Speak, then.
CORVINO: This woman, please your fatherhoods, is a whore
Of most hot exercise, more than a partridge,
Upon recòrd –
1ST AVOCATORE: No more.
CORVINO: Neighs like a jennet.
NOTARIO: Preserve the honour of the court.
120 CORVINO: I shall,
And modesty of your most reverend ears.
And, yet, I hope that I may say these eyes
Have seen her glued unto that piece of cedar,
That fine, well-timbered gallant; and that here
[Indicating his brow.]