Volpone and Other Plays

by Ben Jonson

The letters may be read, thorough the horn,

  That make the story perfect.

  MOSCA: Excellent, sir.

  CORVINO [to MOSCA]: There is no shame in this now, is there?

  MOSCA: None.

  CORVINO: Or if I said I hoped that she were onward

  To her damnation, if there be a hell

  130 Greater than whore and woman; a good Catholic

  May make the doubt.

  3RD AVOCATORE: His grief hath made him frantic.

  1ST AVOCATORE: Remove him hence.

  She [CELIA] swoons.

  2ND AVOCATORE: Look to the woman!

  CORVINO: Rare!

  Prettily feigned! Again!

  4TH AVOCATORE: Stand from about her.

  1ST AVOCATORE: Give her the air.

  3RD AVOCATORE [to MOSCA]: What can you say?

  MOSCA: My wound,

  May’t please your wisdoms, speaks for me, received

  In aid of my good patron, when he missed

  His sought-for father, when that well-taught dame

  Had her cue given her to cry out a rape.

  BONARIO: O most laid impudence! Fathers –

  3RD AVOCATORE: Sir, be silent,

  140 You had your hearing free, so must they theirs.

  2ND AVOCATORE: I do begin to doubt th’ imposture here.

  4TH AVOCATORE: This woman has too many moods.

  VOLTORE: Grave fathers,

  She is a creature of a most professed

  And prostituted lewdness.

  CORVINO: Most impetuous,

  Unsatisfied, grave fathers!

  VOLTORE: May her feignings

  Not take your wisdoms; but this day she baited

  A stranger, a grave knight, with her loose eyes

  And more lascivious kisses. This man saw ’em

  Together on the water in a gondola.

  150 MOSCA: Here is the lady herself that saw ’em too,

  Without; who, then, had in the open streets

  Pursued them, but for saving her knight’s honour.

  1ST AVOCATORE: Produce that lady.

  [Exit MOSCA.]

  2ND AVOCATORE: Let her come.

  4TH AVOCATORE: These things,

  They strike with wonder!

  3RD AVOCATORE: I am turned a stone!

  IV, vi [Re-enter MOSCA with LADY WOULD-BE.]

  [MOSCA:] Be resolute, madam.

  LADY WOULD-Be [pointing to CELIA]: Ay, This same is she.

  Out, thou chameleon harlot! Now thine eyes

  Vie tears with the hyena. Dar’st thou look

  Upon my wrongèd face? – I cry your pardons.

  I fear I have forgettingly transgressed

  Against the dignity of the court –

  2ND AVOCATORE: No, madam.

  LADY WOULD-BE: And been exorbitant –

  4TH AVOCATORE: You have not, lady.

  These proofs are strong.

  LADY WOULD-BE: Surely, I had no purpose

  To scandalize your honours, or my sex’s.

  3RD AVOCATORE: We do believe it.

  10 LADY WOULD-BE: Surely, You may believe it.

  2ND AVOCATORE: Madam, we do.

  LADY WOULD-BE: Indeed, You may; my breeding

  Is not so coarse –

  4TH AVOCATORE: We know it.

  LADY WOULD-BE: To offend

  With pertinacy –

  3RD AVOCATORE: Lady –

  LADY WOULD-BE: Such a presence.

  No, surely.

  1ST AVOCATORE: We well think it.

  LADY WOULD-BE: You may think it.

  1ST AVOCATORE: Let her o’ ercome. [To BONARIO] What witnesses have you

  To make good your report?

  BONARIO: Our consciences.

  CELIA: And heaven, that never fails the innocent.

  4TH AVOCATORE: These are no testimonies.

  BONARIO: Not in your courts,

  Where multitude and clamour overcomes.

  1ST AVOCATORE: Nay, then you do wax insolent.

  VOLTORE is brought in, as impotent.

  20 VOLTORE: Here, here,

  The testimony comes that will convince,

  And put to utter dumbness their bold tongues.

  See here, grave fathers, here’s the ravisher,

  The rider on men’s wives, the great impostor,

  The grand voluptuary! Do you not think

  These limbs should affect venery? Or these eyes

  Covet a concubine? Pray you, mark these hands.

  Are they not fit to stroke a lady’s breasts?

  Perhaps he doth dissemble!

  BONARIO: So he does.

  VOLTORE: Would you ha’ him tortured?

  30 BONARIO: I Would have him proved.

  VOLTORE: Best try him, then, with goads, or burning irons;

  Put him to the strappado. I have heard

  The rack hath cured the gout. Faith, give it him

  And help him of a malady; be courteous.

  I’ll undertake, before these honoured fathers,

  He shall have yet as many left diseases

  As she has known adulterers, or thou strumpets.

  O my most equal hearers, if these deeds,

  Acts of this bold and most exorbitant strain,

  40 May pass with sufferance, what one citizen

  But owes the forfeit of his life, yea, fame,

  To him that dares traduce him? Which of you

  Are safe, my honoured fathers? I would ask,

  With leave, of your grave fatherhoods, if their plot

  Have any face or colour like to truth?

  Or if, unto the dullest nostril here,

  It smell not rank and most abhorrèd slander?

  I crave your care of this good gentleman,

  Whose life is much endangered by their fable;

  50 And as for them, I will conclude with this:

  That vicious persons, when they are hot and fleshed

  In impious acts, their constancy abounds:

  Damned deeds are done with greatest confidence.

  1ST AVOCATORE: Take ’em to custody, and sever them.

  [CELIA and BONARIO are led away.]

  2ND AVOCATORE: ’Tis pity two such prodigies should live.

  1ST AVOCATORE: Let the old gentleman be returned with care.

  I’m sorry our credulity wronged him.

  [volpone is carried out.]

  4TH AVOCATORE: These are two creatures!

  3RD AVOCATORE: I have an earthquake in me!

  2ND AVOCATORE: Their shame, even in their cradles, fled their faces.

  60 4TH AVOCATORE [to VOLTORE]: You’ve done a wormy service to the state, sir.

  In their discovery.

  1ST AVOCATORE: You shall hear ere night

  What punishment the court decrees upon ’em.

  VOLTORE: We thank your fatherhoods. –

  [Exeunt AVOCATORI, NOTARIO, and others.]

  How like you it?

  MOSCA: Rare.

  I’ d ha’ your tongue, sir, tipped with gold for this;

  I’ d ha’ you be the heir to the whole city;

  The earth I’ d have want men, ere you want living.

  They’ re bound to erect your statue in St Mark’s.

  Signor Corvino, I would have you go

  And show yourself, that you have conquered.

  CORVINO: Yes.

  70 MOSCA: It was much better than you should profess

  Yourself a cuckold, thus, than that the other

  Should have been proved.

  CORVINO: Nay, I considered that.

  Now, it is her fault.

  MOSCA: Then, it had been yours.

  CORVINO: True. I do doubt this advocate still.

  MOSCA: I’ faith,

  You need not; I dare ease you of that care.

  CORVINO: I trust thee, Mosca.

  MOSCA: As your own soul, sir.

  [Exit CORVINO.]

  CORBACCIO: Mosca!

  MOSCA: Now for your business, s
ir.

  CORBACCIO: How! Ha’ you business?

  MOSCA: Yes, yours, sir.

  CORBACCIO: O, none else?

  MOSCA: None else, not I.

  CORBACCIO: Be careful then.

  MOSCA: Rest you with both your eyes, sir.

  CORBACCIO: Dispatch it.

  MOSCA: Instantly.

  80 CORBACCIO: And look that all

  Whatever be put in: jewels, plate, moneys,

  Household-stuff, bedding, curtains.

  MOSCA: Curtain-rings, sir;

  Only the advocate’s fee must be deducted.

  CORBACCIO: I’ll pay him now; you’ ll be too prodigal.

  MOSCA: Sir, I must tender it.

  CORBACCIO: Two chequins is well?

  MOSCA: No, six, sir.

  CORBACCIO: ’Tis too much.

  MOSCA: He talked a great while,

  You must consider that, sir.

  CORBACCIO: Well, there’s three –

  MOSCA: I’ll give it him.

  CORBACCIO: Do so, and there’s for thee.

  [Exit.]

  MOSCA [aside]:Bountiful bones! What horrid, strange offence

  90 Did he commit ’ gainst nature in his youth,

  Worthy this age? [To VOLTORE] You see, sir, how I work

  Unto your ends; take you no notice.

  VOLTORE: No,

  I’ll leave you.

  [Exit VOLTORE.]

  MOSCA: All is yours – the devil and all,

  Good advocate! – [To LADY WOULD-BE] Madam, I’ll bring you home.

  LADY WOULD-BE: No, I’ll go see your patron.

  MOSCA: That you shall not.

  I’ll tell you why: my purpose is to urge

  My patron to reform his will, and for

  The zeal you’ ve shown today, whereas before

  You were but third or fourth, you shall be now

  100 Put in the first; which would appear as begged

  If you were present. Therefore –

  LADY WOULD-BE: You shall sway me.

  [Exeunt.]

  ACT FIVE

  V, i [SCENE ONE]

  [VOLPONE’S house.]

  [Enter VOLPONE.]

  [VOLPONE:] Well, I am here, and all this brunt is past.

  I ne’er was in dislike with my disguise

  Till this fled moment. Here, ’twas good, in private,

  But in your public – Cavè, whilst I breathe

  ’ Fore God, my left leg ’ gan to have the cramp,

  And I apprehended, straight, some power had struck me

  With a dead palsy. Well, I must be merry

  And shake it off. A many of these fears

  Would put me into some villainous disease

  10 Should they come thick upon me. I’ll prevent ’em.

  Give me a bowl of lusty wine to fright

  This humour from my heart Hum, hum, hum!

  He drinks.

  ’Tis almost gone already; I shall conquer.

  Any device, now, of rare, ingenious knavery

  That would possess me with a violent laughter,

  Would make me up again. So, so, so, so.

  Drinks again.

  This heat is life; ’tis blood by this time! Mosca!

  v, ii [Enter MOSCA.]

  V, ii [MOSCA:] How now, sir? Does the day look clear again?

  Are we recovered? and wrought out of error

  Into our way, to see our paw before us?

  Is our trade free once more?

  VOLPONE: Exquisite Mosca!

  MOSCA: Was it not carried learnedly?

  VOLPONE: And stoutly.

  Good wits are greatest in extremities.

  MOSCA: It were a folly beyond thought to trust

  Any grand act unto a cowardly spirit.

  You are not taken with it enough, methinks?

  10 VOLPONE: O, more than if I had enjoyed the wench.

  The pleasure of all womankind’s not like it.

  MOSCA: Why, now you speak, sir! We must here be fixed;

  Here we must rest. This is our masterpiece;

  We cannot think to go beyond this.

  VOLPONE: True,

  Th’ ast played thy prize, my precious Mosca.

  MOSCA: Nay, sir,

  To gull the court –

  VOLPONE: And quite divert the torrent

  Upon the innocent.

  MOSCA: Yes, and to make

  So rare a music out of discords –

  VOLPONE: Right.

  That yet to me ’s the strangest; how th’ ast borne it!

  20 That these, being so divided ’ mongst themselves,

  Should not scent somewhat, or in me or thee,

  Or doubt their own side.

  MOSCA: True, they will not see’t.

  Too much light blinds ’em, I think. Each of ’em

  Is so possessed and stuffed with his own hopes

  That anything unto the contrary,

  Never so true, or never so apparent,

  Never so palpable, they will resist it –

  VOLPONE: Like a temptation of the devil.

  MOSCA: Right, sir.

  Merchants may talk of trade, and your great signiors

  30 Of land that yields well; but if Italy

  Have any glebe more fruitful than these fellows,

  I am deceived. Did not your advocate rare?

  VOLPONE: O – ‘My most honoured fathers, my grave fathers,

  Under correction of your fatherhoods,

  What face of truth is here? If these strange deeds

  May pass, most honoured fathers’ – I had much ado

  To forbear laughing.

  MOSCA: ’T seemed to me you sweat, sir.

  VOLPONE: In troth, I did a little.

  MOSCA: But confess, sir;

  Were you not daunted?

  VOLPONE: In good faith, I was

  40 A little in a mist, but not dejected;

  Never but still myself.

  MOSCA: I think it, sir.

  Now, so truth help me, I must needs say this, sir,

  And out of conscience for your advocate:

  He’s taken pains, in faith, sir, and deserved,

  In my poor judgement, I speak it under favour,

  Not to contrary you, sir, very richly –

  Well – to be cozened.

  VOLPONE: Troth, and I think so too,

  By that I heard him in the latter end.

  MOSCA: O, but before, sir, had you heard him first

  50 Draw it to certain heads, then aggravate,

  Then use his vehement figures – I looked still

  When he would shift a shirt; and doing this

  Out of pure love, no hope of gain –

  VOLPONE: ’Tis right.

  I cannot answer him, Mosca, as I would,

  Not yet; but for thy sake, at thy entreaty,

  I will begin e’ en now to vex ’em all,

  This very instant.

  MOSCA: Good, sir.

  VOLPONE: Call the dwarf

  And eunuch forth.

  MOSCA: Castrone! Nano!

  [Enter CASTRONE and NANO.]

  NANO: Here.

  VOLPONE: Shall we have a jig now?

  MOSCA: What you please, sir.

  VOLPONE: Go,

  60 Straight give out about the streets, you two,

  That I am dead; do it with constancy,

  Sadly, do you hear? Impute it to the grief

  Of this late slander.

  [Exeunt CASTRONE and NANO.]

  MOSCA: What do you mean, sir?

  VOLPONE: O,

  I shall have instantly my vulture, crow,

  Raven, come flying hither on the news

  To peck for carrion, my she-wolf and all,

  Greedy and full of expectation –

  MOSCA: And then to have it ravished from their mouths?

  VOLPONE: ’Tis true. I will ha’ thee put on a gown,

  70 And take upon thee as thou wert mine heir;

  Show ’em
a will. Open that chest and reach

  Forth one of those that has the blanks. I’ll straight

  Put in thy name.

  MOSCA: It will be rare, sir.

  VOLPONE: Ay,

  When they e’ en gape, and find themselves deluded –

  MOSCA: Yes.

  VOLPONE: And thou use them scurvily! Dispatch,

  Get on thy gown.

  MOSCA: But what, sir, if they ask

  After the body?

  VOLPONE: Say it was corrupted.

  MOSCA: I’ll say it stunk, sir; and was fain t’ have it

  Coffined up instantly and sent away.

  80 VOLPONE: Anything, what thou wilt. Hold, here’s my will.

  Get thee a cap, a count-book, pen and ink,

  Papers afore thee; sit as thou wert taking

  An inventory of parcels. I’ll get up

  Behind the curtain, on a stool, and hearken;

  Sometime peep over, see how they do look,

  With what degrees their blood doth leave their faces.

  O, ’twill afford me a rare meal of laughter!

  MOSCA: Your advocate will turn stark dull upon it.

  VOLPONE: It will take off his oratory’s edge.

  90 MOSCA But your clarissimo, old round-back, he

  Will crump you like a hog-louse with the touch.

  VOLPONE: And what Corvino?

  MOSCA: O sir, look for him

  Tomorrow morning with a rope and dagger

  To visit all the streets; he must run mad.

  My lady too, that came into the court

  To bear false witness for your worship –

  VOLPONE: Yes,

  And kissed me ’ fore the fathers, when my face

  Flowed all with oils –

  MOSCA: And sweat, sir. Why, your gold

  Is such another med’ cine, it dries up

  100 All those offensive savours! It transforms

  The most deformèd, and restores ’em lovely

  As ’twere the strange poetical girdle. Jove Cestus.

  Could not invent t’ himself a shroud more subtle

  To pass Acrisius’ guards. It is the thing

  Makes all the world her grace, her youth, her beauty.

  VOLPONE: I think she loves me.

  MOSCA: Who? The lady, sir?

  She’s jealous of you.

  VOLPONE: Dost thou say so?

  [Knocking without.]

  MOSCA: Hark,

  There’s some already.

  VOLPONE: Look!

  MOSCA [looking out]: It is the vulture;

  He has the quickest scent.

  VOLPONE: I’ll to my place,

  110 Thou to thy posture.

  MOSCA: I am set.

  VOLPONE: But Mosca,

  Play the artificer now, torture ’em rarely.

  [VOLPONE hides.]

  V, iii [Enter VOLTORE.]

  [VOLTORE:] How now, my Mosca?

  MOSCA [writing]: Turkey carpets, nine –

  VOLTORE: Taking an inventory? That is well.

  MOSCA: Two suits of bedding, tissue –