by Ben Jonson
SUBTLE: Faith, I am not fit, I am old.
FACE: That’s now no reason, sir.
80 SURLY: Puede ser de hazer burla de mi amor?
FACE: You hear the Don, too? By this air, I call,
And loose the hinges Dol!
SUBTLE: A plague of Hell–
FACE: Will you then do?
SUBTLE: Y’ are a terrible rogue!
I’ll think of this. Will you, sir, call the widow?
FACE: Yes, and I’ll take her, too, with all her faults,
Now I do think on’t better.
SUBTLE: With all my heart, sir;
Am I discharged o’ the lot?
FACE: As you please.
SUBTLE: Hands.
[They shake hands.]
FACE: Remember now, that upon any change
You never claim her.
SUBTLE: Much good joy and health to you, sir.
90 Marry a whore! Fate, let me wed a witch first.
SURLY: Por estas honradas barbas–
SUBTLE: He swears by his beard.
Dispatch, and call the brother, too.
[Exit FACE.]
SURLY: Tengo duda, señores,
Que no me hágan alguna traycion.
SUBTLE: How, issue on? Yes, prcesto, sñor. Please you
Enthratha the chambratha, worthy Don,
Where if it please the Fates, in your bathada,
You shall be soaked, and stroked, and tubbed, and rubbed,
And scrubbed, and fubbed, dear Don, before you go.
You shall in faith, my scurvy baboon Don,
Be curried, clawed, and flawed, and tawed, indeed. 100
I will the heartilier go about it now,
And make the widow a punk so much the sooner,
To be revenged on this impetuous Face:
The quickly doing of it is the grace.
[Exeunt SUBTLE and SURLY.]
IV, iv [SCENE TWO]
[Another room in Lovewit’s house.]
[Re-enter FACE, accompanied by KASTRIL and his sister, DAMB PLIANT.]
[FACE:] Come, lady. [To KASTRIL] I knew the Doctor would not leave
Till he had found the very nick of her fortune.
KASTRIL: To be a countess, say you?
FACE: A Spanish countess, sir.
DAMB PLIANT: Why, is that better than an English countess?
FACE: Better! ’Slight, make you that a question, lady?
KASTRIL: Nay, she is a fool, Captain, you must pardon her.
FACE: Ask him from your courtier to your inns-of-court-man,
To your mere milliner. They will tell you all,
Your Spanish jennet is the best horse; your Spanish
Stoop is the best garb; your Spanish beard
Is the best cut; youi Spanish ruffs are the best
Wear; your Spanish pavan the best dance;
Your Spanish titillation in a glove
The best perfume; and for your Spanish pike
And Spanish blade, let your poor Captain speak. –
Here comes the Doctor.
[Enter SUBTLE with a paper.]
SUBTLE: My most honoured lady,
For so I am now to style you, having found
By this my scheme, you are to undergo
An honourable fortune very shortly,
20 What will you say now, if some –
FACE: I ha’ told her all, sir,
And her right worshipful brother here, that she shall be
A countess – do not delay ’em, sir – a Spanish countess.
SUBTLE: Still, my scarce-worshipful Captain, you can keep
No secret! Well, since he has told you, madam,
Do you forgive him, and I do.
KASTRIL: She shall do that, sir;
I’ll look to’t; ’tis my charge.
SUBTLE: Well, then, nought rests
But that she fit her love now to her fortune.
DAME PLIANT: Truly I shall never brook a Spaniard.
SUBTLE: No?
DAME PLIANT: Never sin’ eighty-eight could I abide ’em,
30 And that was some three year afore I was born, in truth.
SUBTLE: Come, you must love him, or be miserable;
Choose which you will.
FACE: By this good rush, persuade her.
She will cry strawberries else within this twelvemonth.
SUBTLE: Nay, shads and mackerel, which is worse.
FACE: Indeed, sir!
KASTRIL: God’s lid, you shall love him, or I’ll kick you.
DAME PLIANT: Why,
I’ll do as you will ha’ me, brother.
KASTRIL: Do,
Or by this hand I’ll maul you.
Armada.
FACE: Nay, good sir,
Be not so fierce.
SUBTLE: No, my enragèd child;
She will be ruled. What, when she comes to taste
40 The pleasures of a countess! to be courted –
FACE: And kissed and ruffled!
SUBTLE: Ay, behind the poem0s.
FACE: And then come forth in pomp!
SUBTLE: And know her state!
FACE: Of keeping all th’ idolators o’ the chamber
Barer to her, than at their prayers!
SUBTLE: Is served
Upon the knee!
FACE: And has her pages, ushers,
Footmen, and coaches –
SUBTLE: Her six mares –
FACE: Nay, eight!
SUBTLE: To hurry her through London, to th’ Exchange,
Bedlam, the China-houses –
FACE: Yes, and have
The citizens gape at her, and praise her tires,
50 And my Lord’s goose-turd bands, that rides with her!
KASTRIL: Most brave! By this hand, you are not my suster
If you refuse.
DAME PLIANT: I will not refuse, brother.
[Enter SURLY.]
SURLY: Que es esto, señores, que non se venga?
Esta tardanza me mata!
FACE: It is the Count come!
The Doctor knew he would be here, by his art.
SUBTLE: En gallanta madama, Don! gallantissima!
SURLY: Por todos los dioses, la mas acabada
Hermosura, que he visto en mi vida!
FACE: Is’t not a gallant language that they speak?
60 KASTRIL: An admirable language! is’t not french?
FACE: No, Spanish, sir.
KASTRIL: It goes like law French,
And that, they say, is the courtliest language.
FACE: List, sir.
SURLY: El sol ha perdido su lumbre, con el
Resplandor que trde esta dama! Valga me dios!
FACE: H’admires your sister.
KASTRIL: Must not she make curt’sy?
SUBTLE: ’Ods will, she must go to him, man, and kiss him!
It is the Spanish fashion, for the women
To make first court.
FACE: ’Tis true he tells you, sir;
His art knows all.
SURLY: Porque no se acùde?
70 KASTRIL: He speaks to her, I think.
FACE: That he does, sir.
SURLY: Por el amor de dios, que es esto que se tàrda?
KASTRIL: Nay, see: she will not understand him! Gull,
Noddy!
DAME PLIANT: What say you, brother?
KASTRIL: Ass, my suster,
Go kuss him, as the cunning-man would ha’ you;
I’ll thrust a pin i’ your buttocks else.
FACE: O no, sir.
SURLY: Señora mia, mi persona muy indigna està
Allegar à tanta hermosura.
FACE: Does he not use her bravely?
KASTRIL: Bravely, i’ faith!
FACE: Nay, he will use her better.
KASTRIL: Do you think so?
80 SURLY: Señora, si sera servida, entremos.
[Exit with DAME PLIANT.]
KASTRIL: Where does he carry her?
FACE: Into the garde
n, sir;
Take you no thought. I must interpret for her.
SUBTLE [aside to FACE]: Give Dol the word.
[Exit FACE.]
– Come, my fierce child, advance,
We’ll to our quarrelling lesson again.
KASTRIL: Agreed.
I love a Spanish boy with all my heart.
SUBTLE: Nay, and by this means, sir, you shall be brother
To a great count.
KASTRIL: Ay, I knew that at first.
This match will advance the house of the Kastrils.
SUBTLE: ’Pray God your sister prove but pliant!
KASTRIL: Why,
Her name is so, by her other husband.
90 SUBTLE: How!
KASTRIL: The Widow Pliant. knew you not that?
SUBTLE: No, faith, sir;
Yet, by the erection of her figure, I guessed it.
Come, let’s go practise.
KASTRIL: Yes, but do you think, Doctor,
I e’ er shall quarrel well?
SUBTLE: I warrant you.
[Exeunt.]
IV, V [SCENE THREE]
[A room upstairs in Lovewit’s house.]
[Enter DOL] in her fit of talking [followed by MAMMON.]
[DOL COMMON:] For, after Alexander’s death –
MAMMON: Good lady –
DOL COMMON: That Perdiccas and Antigonus were slain,
The two that stood, seleuc’ and ptolemy –
MAMMON: Madam –
DOL COMMON: Made up the two legs, and the fourth beast,
That was Gog-north and Egypt-south; which after
Was called Gog-iron-leg and South-iron-leg –
MAMMON: Lady–
DOL COMMON: And then Gog-hornèd. So was Egypt, too:
Then Egypt-clay-leg, and Gog-clay-leg –
MAMMON: Sweet madam –
DOL COMMON: And last Gog-dust, and Egypt-dust, which fall
10 In the last link of the fourth chain. And these
Be stars in story, which none see, or look at –
MAMMON: What shall I do?
DOL COMMON: For, as he says, except
We call the rabbins, and the heathen Greeks –
MAMMON: Dear lady –
DOL COMMON: To come from Salem, and from Athens,
And teach the people of Great Britain –
[Enter FACE, in his servant’s costume.]
FACE: What’s the matter, sir?
DOL COMMON: To speak the tongue of Eber and Javan –
MAMMON: O,
She’s in her fit.
DOL COMMON: We shall know nothing –
FACE: Death, sir,
We are undone!
DOL COMMON: Where then a learnèd linguist
Shall see the ancient used communion
20 Of vowels and consonants –
FACE: My master will hear!
DOL COMMON: A wisdom, which Pythagoras held most high –
MAMMON: Sweet honourable lady!
DOL COMMON: To comprise
All sounds of voices, in few marks of letters.
FACE: Nay, you must never hope to lay her now.
They speak together.
DOL: And so we may arrive, by Talmud skill
FACE: How did you put her into’t?
And profane Greek, to raise the building up
MAMMON: Alas, I talked Of a Fifth Monarchy I would erect
Of Helen’s house against the Ishmaelite,
With the Philosopher’s Stone, by chance, and she
King of Togarmah, and his habergeons
Falls on the other four straight.
Brimstony, blue, and fiery; and the force
FACE: Out of Broughton! I told you so. ’Slid, stop her mouth.
Of king Abaddon, and the beast of Cittim,
MAMMON: Is’t best?
Which Rabbi David Kimchi, Onkelos,
30 FACE: She’ll never leave else.If the old man hear her, We are but fæces, ashes.
And Aben Ezra do interpret Rome.
SUBTLE: What’s to do there?
FACE: O, we are lost! Now she hears him, she is quiet.
[Enter SUBTLE.]
Upon SUBTLE: entry they [FACE and DOL]disperse.
MAMMON: Where shall i hide me!
SUBTLE’S How! What sight is here?
Close deeds of darkness, and that shun the light!
Bring him again. Who is he? What, my son!
O, I have lived too long.
MAMMON: Nay, good, dear father,
There was no unchaste purpose.
SUBTLE: Not? and flee me
When I come in?
MAMMON: That was my error.
SUBTLE: Error?
Guilt, guilt, my son; give it the right name. No marvel
40 If I found check in our great work within,
When such affairs as these were managing!
MAMMON: Why, have you so?
SUBTLE: It has stood still this half-hour,
And all the rest of our less works gone back.
Where is the instrument of wickedness
My lewd false drudge?
MAMMON: Nay, good sir, blame not him;
Believe me, ’twas against his will or knowledge.
I saw her by chance.
SUBTLE: Will you commit more sin,
T’excuse a varlet?
MAMMON: By my hope, ’tis true, sir.
SUBTLE: Nay, then I wonder less, if you, for whom
50 The blessing was prepared, would so tempt Heaven,
And lose your fortunes.
MAMMON: Why, sir?
SUBTLE: This’ll retard
The work a month at least.
MAMMON: Why, if it do,
What remedy? But think it not, good father;
Our purposes were honest.
SUBTLE: As they were,
So the reward will prove.
A great crack and noise within.
How now! ay me!
God and all saints be good to us. –
[Re-enter FACE.]
What’s that?
FACE: O, sir, we are defeated! All the works
Are flown in fumo, every glass is burst!
Furnace and all rent down, as if a bolt
60 Of thunder had been driven through the house.
Retorts, receivers, pelicans, bolt-heads,
All struck in shivers!
SUBTLE falls down, as in a swoon.
Help, good sir! alas,
Coldness and death invades him. Nay, Sir Mammon,
Do the fair offices of a man! You stand,
As you were readier to depart than he.
One knocks.
Who’s there? My Lord her brother is come.
MAMMON: Ha, Lungs!
FACE: His coach is at the door. Avoid his sight,
For he’s as furious as his sister is mad.
MAMMON: Alas!
FACE: My brain is quite undone with the fume, sir,
I ne’er must hope to be mine own man again.
MAMMON: Is all lost, Lungs? Will nothing be preserved
Of all our cost?
FACE: Faith, very little, sir;
A peck of coals or so, which is cold comfort, sir.
MAMMON: O, my voluptuous mind! I am justly punished.
FACE: And so am I, sir.
MAMMON: Cast from all my hopes –
FACE: Nay, certainties, sir.
MAMMON: By mine own base affections.
SUBTLE seems [to] come to himself.
SUBTLE: O, the curst fruits of vice and lust!
MAMMON: Good father,
It was my sin. Forgive it.
SUBTLE: Hangs my roof
Over us still, and will not fall, O Justice,
Upon us, for this wicked man!
80 FACE: Nay, look, sir,
You grieve him now with staying in his sight.
Good sir, the nobleman will come too, and take you,
And that may breed a tragedy.
MAMMON: I’ll go.
FACE: Ay, and repent at home, sir. it may be,
For some good penance you may ha’ it yet;
A hundred pound to the box at Bedlam –
MAMMON: Yes.
FACE: For the restoring such as ha’ their wits.
MAMMON: I’ll do’t.
FACE: I’ll send one to you to receive it.
MAMMON: Do.
Is no projection left?
FACE: All flown, or stinks, sir.
90 MAMMON: Will nought be saved that’s good for med’ cine, think’st thou?
FACE: I cannot tell, sir. There will be perhaps
Something about the scraping of the shards,
Will cure the itch, – though not your itch of mind, sir.
It shall be saved for you, and sent home. Good sir,
This way, for fear the lord should meet you.
[Exit MAMMON.]
SUBTLE: Face!
FACE: Ay.
SUBTLE: Is he gone?
FACE: Yes, and as heavily As all the gold he hoped for were in his blood. Let us be light though.
SUBTLE [leaping up]: Ay, as balls, and bound
100 And hit our heads against the roof for joy:
There’s so much of our care now cast away.
FACE: Now to our Don.
SUBTLE: Yes, your young widow by this time
Is made a countess, Face; she’s been in travail
Of a young heir for you.
FACE: Good, sir.
SUBTLE: Off with your case,
And greet her kindly, as a bridegroom should,
After these common hazards.
FACE: Very well, sir.
Will you go fetch Don Diego off the while?
SUBTLE: And fetch him over too, if you’ll be pleased, sir.
Would Dol were in her place, to pick his pockets now!
FACE: Why, you can do it as well, if you would set to’t.
110 I pray you prove your virtue.
SUBTLE: For your sake, sir.
[Exeunt.]
IV, vi [SCENE FOUR]
[The garden of Lovewit’s house.]
[Enter SURLY, in his Spanish costume, and DAME PLIANT.]
[SURLY:] Lady, you see into what hands you are fall’ n;
‘Mongst what a nest of villains! and how near
Your honour was t’ have catched a certain clap,
Through your credulity, had I but been
So punctually forward, as place, time,
And other circumstance would ha’ made a man;
For y’ are a handsome woman: would you were wise, too!
I am a gentleman come here disguised,
Only to find the knaveries of this citadel;
10 And where I might have wronged your honour, and have not,
I claim some interest in your love. You are, They say, a widow, rich; and I’ m a bachelor