by Ben Jonson
Pass in and out.
FACE: They did pass through the doors then,
Or walls, I assure their eyesights, and their spectacles;
For here, sir, are the keys, and here have been,
In this my pocket, now above twenty days!
And for before, I kept the fort alone there.
30 But that ’tis yet not deep i’ the afternoon,
I should believe my neighbours had seen double
Through the black pot, and made these apparitions!
For, on my faith to your worship, for these three weeks
And upwards, the door has not been opened.
LOVEWIT: Strange!
IST NEIGHBOUR: Good faith, I think I saw a coach.
2 ND NEIGHBOUR: And I too,
I’ d ha’ been sworn.
LOVEWIT: Do you but think it now?
And but one coach?
4 TH NEIGHBOUR: We cannot tell, sir; Jeremy
Is a very honest fellow.
FACE: Did you see me at all?
1 ST NEIGHBOUR: No; that we are sure on.
2 ND NEIGHBOUR: I’ll be sworn o ’that.
LOVEWIT: Fine rogues to have your testimonies built on! 40
[Re-enter 3 RD NEIGHBOUR, with his tools.]
3 RD NEIGHBOUR: Is Jeremy come?
1 ST NEIGHBOUR: O yes; you may leave your
tools;
We were deceived, he says.
2 ND NEIGHBOUR: He’s had the keys,
And the door has been shut these three weeks.
3 RD NEIGHBOUR: Like enough.
LOVEWIT: Peace, and get hence, you changelings.
[Enter SURLY and MAMMON.]
FACE [aside]: surly come!
And Mammon made acquainted! They’ll tell all.
How shall I beat them off? What shall I do?
Nothing’s more wretched than a guilty conscience.
V,iii [SURLY:] No, sir, he was a great physician. This,
It was no bawdy-house, but a mere chancel!
You knew the Lord and his sister.
MAMMON: Nay, good Surly.
SURLY: The happy word, ‘Be rich’ –
MAMMON: play not the tyrant.
SURLY: Should be today pronounced to all your friends.
And where be your andirons now? And your brass pots,
That should ha’ been golden flagons, and great wedges?
MAMMON: Let me but breathe. What, they ha’ shut their doors,
Methinks!
MAMMON and SURLY knock.
SURLY: Ay, now ’tis holiday with them.
MAMMON: Rogues,
10 Cozeners, impostors, bawds!
FACE: What mean you, sir?
MAMMON: To enter if we can.
FACE: Another man’s house!
Here is the owner, sir; turn you to him,
And speak your business.
MAMMON: Are you, sir, the owner?
LOVEWIT: Yes, sir.
MAMMON: And are those knaves, within, your cheaters?
LOVEWIT: What knaves, what cheaters?
MAMMON: Subtle and his lungs.
FACE: The gentleman is distracted, sir! no lungs
Nor lights ha’ been seen here these three weeks, sir,
Within these doors, upon my word.
SURLY: Your word,
Groom arrogant!
FACE: Yes, sir. I am the housekeeper,
20 And know the keys ha’ not been out’ o’ my hands.
SURLY: This’s a new Face.
FACE: You do mistake the house, sir.
What sign was’t at?
SURLY: You rascal! This is one
O’ the confederacy. Come, let’s get officers,
And force the door.
LOVEWIT: Pray you stay, gendemen.
SURLY: No, sir, we’ll come with warrant.
MAMMON: Ay, and then
We shall ha’ your doors open.
[Exeunt MAMMON and SURLY.]
LOVEWIT: What means this?
FACE: I cannot tell, sir.
1 ST NEIGHBOUR: These are two o’ the gallants
That we do think we saw.
FACE: Two o’ the fools!
You talk as idly as they. Good faith, sir,
I think the moon has crazed ’em all.
[Enter KASTRIL.]
30 [Aside] O me,
The angry boy come too! He’ll make a noise,
And ne’er away till he have betrayed us all.
KASTRIL knocks.
KASTRIL: What, rogues, bawds, slaves, you’ll open the door anon!
Punk, cockatrice, my suster! By this light,
I’ll fetch the marshal to you. You are a whore
To keep your castle –
FACE: Who would you speak with, sir?
KASTRIL: The bawdy Doctor, and the cozening Captain,
And Puss, my suster.
LOVEWIT: This is something, sure.
FACE: Upon my trust, the doors were never open, sir.
KASTRIL: I have heard all their tricks told me twice over, 40
By the fat knight and the lean gentleman.
LOVEWIT: Here comes another.
[Enter ANANIAS and TRIBULATION WHOLESOME.]
FACE: Ananias, too!
And his pastor!
TRIBULATION: The doors are shut against us.
They beta, too, at the door.
ANANIAS: Come forth, you seed of sulphur, sons of fire!
Your stench it is broke forth; abomination
Is in the house.
KASTRIL: Ay, my suster’s there.
ANANIAS: The place,
It is become a cage of unclean birds.
KASTRIL: Yes, I will fetch the scavenger, and the constable.
TRIBULATION: You shall do well.
ANANIAS: We’ll join to weed them out.
50 KASTRIL: You will not come men, punk devise, my suster!
ANANIAS: Call her not sister; she is a harlot verily.
KASTRIL: I’ll raise the street.
LOVEWIT: Good gentlemen, a word.
ANANIAS: Satan, avoid, and hinder not our zeal!
[Exeunt ANANIAS, TRIBULATION WHOLESOME, and
KASTRIL.]
LOVEWIT: The World’s turned Bedlam.
FACE: These are all broke loose,
Out of St Katherine’s, where they use to keep
The better sort of mad-folks.
1 ST NEIGHBOUR: All these persons
We saw go in and out here.
2 ND NEIGHBOUR: Yes, indeed, sir.
3RD NEIGHBOUR: These were the parties.
FACE: Peace, you drunkards!
Sir,
I wonder at it. Please you to give me leave
60 To touch the door; I’ll try an’ the lock be changed.
LOVEWIT: It ’mazes me!
FACE [goes to the door]: Good faith, sir, I believe
There’s no such thing; ’tis all deceptio visus –
[Aside] Would I could get him away.
DAPPER cries out within.
DAPPER: Master Captain! Master Doctor!
LOVEWIT: Who’s that?
FACE [aside]: Our clerk within, that I forgot! –
I know not, sir.
DAPPER [within]: For God’s sake, when will her Grace be at
leisure?
FACE: Ha!
Illusions, some spirit o’ the air! – [Aside]His gag is melted,
And now he sets out the throat.
DAPPER [within]: I am almost stifled –
FACE [aside]: Would you were altogether.
LOVEWIT: ’Tis i’ the house.
Ha! list.
FACE: Believe it, sir, i’ the air.
LOVEWIT: Peace, you.
70 DAPPER [within]: Mine aunt’s Grace does not use me well.
SUBTLE [within]: You fool.
Peace, you’ll mar all.
FACE [speaking through the keyhole]: Or you will else, you rogue.
LOVEWIT [overhearing FACE]: O, is
it so? Then you converse with
spirits! –
Come, sir. No more o’ your tricks, good Jeremy.
The truth, the shortest way.
FACE: Dismiss this rabble, sir. –
[Aside] What shall I do? I am catched.
LOVEWIT: Good neighbours,
I thank you all. You may depart. –
[Exeunt NEIGHBOURS.]
Come, sir,
You know that I am an indulgent master;
And therefore conceal nothing. What’s your med’ cine,
To draw so many several sorts of wild-fowl?
80 FACE: Sir, you were wont to affect mirth and wit –
But here’s no place to talk on’t i’ the street.
Give me but leave to make the best of my fortune,
And only pardon me th’ abuse of your house:
It’s all I beg. I’ll help you to a widow,
In recompense, that you shall gi’ me thanks for,
Will make you seven years younger, and a rich one.
’Tis but your putting on a Spanish cloak;
I have her within. You need not fear the house;
It was not visited.
LOVEWIT: But by me, who came
Sooner than you expected.
FACE: It is true, sir. 90
’ Pray you forgive me.
LOVEWIT: Well, let’s see your widow.
[Exeunt.]
v,iv [SCENE TWO]
[Inside Lovewit’s house.]
[Enter SUBTLE, leading in DAPPER, with his eyes bound as before.]
[SUBTLE:] How! ha’ you eaten your gag?
DAPPER: Yes, faith, it crumbled
Away i’ my mouth.
SUBTLE: You ha’ spoiled all then.
DAPPER: No!
I hope my aunt of Faery will forgive me.
SUBTLE: Your aunt’s a gracious lady; but in troth
You were to blame.
DAPPER: The fume did overcome me,
And I did do’t to stay my stomach. ’Pray you
So satisfy her Grace.
[Enter FACE in his uniform.]
Here comes the Captain.
FACE: How now! Is his mouth down?
SUBTLE: Ay, he has spoken!
FACE [aside]: A pox, I heard him, and you too. [Aloud] He’s un-
done then. –
10 [Aside to SUBTLE] I have been fain to say, the house is haunted
with spirits, to keep churl back.
SUBTLE [aside]: And hast thou done it?
FACE [aside]: Sure, for this night.
SUBTLE [aside]: Why, then triumph and sing
Of Face so famous, the precious king
Of present wits.
FACE [aside]: Did you not hear the coil
About the door?
SUBTLE [aside]: Yes, and I dwindled with it.
FACE [aside]: Show him his aunt, and let him be dispatched:
I’ll send her to you.
[Exit FACE.]
SUBTLE: Well, sir, your aunt her Grace
Will give you audience presently, on my suit,
And the Captain’s word that you did not eat your gag
20 In any contempt of her Highness.
[Unbinds his eyes.]
DAPPER: Not I, in troth, sir.
[Enter] DOL like the Queen of Faery.
SUBTLE: Here she is come. Down o’ your knees and wriggle:
She has a stately presence.
[DAPPER kneels and moves towards DOL.]
Good! Yet nearer,
And bid, God save you!
DAPPER: Madam!
SUBTLE: And your aunt.
DAPPER: And my most gracious aunt, God save your Grace.
DOL COMMON: Nephew, we thought to have been angry with
you;
But that sweet face of yours hath turned the tide,
And made it flow with joy, that ebbed of love.
Arise, and touch our velvet gown.
SUBTLE: The skirts,
And kiss ’em. So!
DOL COMMON: Let me now stroke that head.
30 Much, nephew, shah thou win, much shalt thou spend;
Much shalt thou give away; much shah thou lend.
SUBTLE [aside]: Ay, much indeed! – Why do you not thank her
Grace?
DAPPER: I cannot speak for joy.
SUBTLE: See, the kind wretch!
Your Grace’s kinsman right.
DOL COMMON: Give me the bird. –
Here is your fly in a purse, about your neck, cousin;
Wear it, and feed it about this day sev’ n-night,
On your right wrist –
SUBTLE: Open a vein with a pin
And let it suck but once a week. Till then,
You must not look on’t.
DOL COMMON: No. And, kinsman,
40 Bear yourself worthy of the blood you come on.
SUBTLE: Her Grace would ha’ you eat no more Woolsack pies,
Nor Dagger frume’ty.
DOL COMMON: Nor break his fast
In Heaven and Hell.
SUBTLE: She’s with you everywhere!
Nor play with costermongers, at mumchance, tray-trip,
God-make-you-rich (whenas your aunt has done it); but keep
The gallant’st company, and the best games –
DAPPER: Yes, sir.
SUBTLE: Gleek and primero; and what you get, be true to us.
DAPPER: By this hand, I will
SUBTLE: You may bring’s a thousand pound
Before tomorrow night, if but three thousand
50 Be stirring, an’ you will.
DAPPER: I swear i will then.
SUBTLE: Your fly will learn you all games.
FACE [within]: Ha’ you done there?
SUBTLE: Your Grace will command him no more duties?
DOL COMMON: No;
But come and see me often. I may chance
To leave him three or four hundred chests of treasure,
And some twelve thousand acres of fairy land,
If he game well and comely with good gamesters.
SUBTLE: There’s a kind aunt; kiss her departing part. –
But you must sell your forty mark a year now.
DAPPER: Ay, sir, I mean.
SUBTLE: Or, gi’t away; pox on’t!
60 DAPPER: I’ll gi’t mine aunt. I’ll go and fetch the writings.
SUBTLE: ’Tis well; away.
[Exit DAPPER. Re-enter FACE.]
FACE: Where’s subtle?
SUBTLE: Here. What news?
FACE: Drugger is at the door; go take his suit,
And bid him fetch a parson presently.
Say he shall marry the widow. Thou shalt spend
A hundred pound by the service!
[Exit SUBTLE.]
Now, Queen Dol,
Have you packed up all?
DOL COMMON: Yes.
FACE: And how do you like
The Lady Pliant?
DOL COMMON: A good dull innocent.
[Re-enter SUBTLE.]
SUBTLE: Here’s your Hieronimo’s cloak and hat.
FACE: Give me ’em.
SUBTLE: And the ruff too?
FACE: Yes; I’ll come to you presently.
[Exit FACE.]
70 SUBTLE: Now he is gone about his project, Dol,
I told you of, for the widow.
DOL COMMON: ’Tis direct
Against our articles.
SUBTLE: Well, we’ll fit him, wench.
Hast thou gulled her of her jewels or her bracelets?
DOL COMMON: No; but I will do’t.
SUBTLE: Soon at night, my Dolly,
When we are shipped and all our goods aboard,
Eastward for Ratcliff, we will turn our course
To Brainford, westward, if thou sayst the word,
And take our leaves of this o’ erweening rascal,
This peremptory Face.
DOL COMMON: Content; I’ m weary of him.
<
br /> 80 SUBTLE: Thou’st cause, when the slave will run a-wiving, Dol,
Against the instrument that was drawn between us.
DOL COMMON: I’ll pluck his bird as bare as I can.
SUBTLE: Yes, tell her
She must by any means address some present
To th’ cunning-man, make him amends for wronging
His art with her suspicion; send a ring
Or chain or pearl; she will be tortured else
Extremely in her sleep, say, and ha’ strange things
Come to her. Wilt thou?
DOL COMMON: Yes.
SUBTLE: My fine flitter-mouse,
My bird o’ the night! We’ll tickle it at the Pigeons,
90 When we have all, and may unlock the trunks,
And say, this’s mine, and thine; and thine, and mine.
They kiss.
[Re-enter FACE.]
FACE: What now! a-billing?
SUBTLE: Yes, a little exalted
In the good passage of our stock-affairs.
FACE: Drugger has brought his parson; take him in, Subtle,
And send Nab back again to wash his face.
SUBTLE: I will. And shave himself?
FACE: If you can get him.
[Exit SUBTLE.]
DOL COMMON: You are hot upon it, Face, whate’ er it is!
FACE: A trick that Dol shall spend ten pound a month by.
[Re-enter SUBTLE.]
Is he gone?
SUBTLE: The chaplain waits you i’ the hall, sir.
100 FACE: I’ll go bestow him.
[Exit.]
DOL COMMON: He’ll now marry her instantly.
SUBTLE: He cannot yet, he is not ready. Dear Dol,
Cozen her of all thou canst. To deceive him
Is no deceit, but justice, that would break
Such an inextricable tie as ours was.
DOL COMMON: Let me alone to fit him.
[Re-enter FACE.]
FACE: Come, my venturers,
You ha’ packed up all? Where be the trunks? Bring forth.
SUBTLE: Here.
FACE: Let’s see ’em. Where’s the money?
SUBTLE: Here,
In this.
FACE: Mammon’s ten pound; eight score before.
The Brethren’s money this. Drugger’s and Dapper’s?
110 What paper’s that?
DOL COMMON: The jewel of the waiting-maid’s,
That stole it from her lady, to know certain –
FACE: If she should have precedence of her mistress?
DOL COMMON: Yes.
FACE: What box is that?
SUBTLE: The fish-wives’ rings, I think,
And th’ ale-wives’ single money. Is’t not, Dol?
DOL COMMON: Yes, and the whistle that the sailor’s wife
Brought you to know an’ her husband were with Ward.
FACE: We’ll wet it tomorrow; and our silver beakers
And tavern cups. Where be the French petticoats
And girdles and hangers?
SUBTLE: Here, i’ the trunk,