by Ben Jonson
LITTLEWIT: This’s fine, verily: ‘Here be the bestpigs, and she does roast ’em as well as ever she did, ’ the pig’s head says.
KNOCKEM: Excellent, excellent, mistress, with fire o’ juniper and rosemary branches! the oracle of the pig’s head, that, sir.
DAME PURECRAFT: Son, were you not warned of the vanity of the eye? have you forgot the wholesome admonition so soon?
70 LITTLEWIT: Good mother, how shall we find a pig if we do not look about for’t? will it run off o’ the spit into our mouths, think you? as in lubberland? and cry, ‘we, we’?
BUSY: No, but your mother, religiously wise, conceiveth it may offer itself by other means to the sense, as by way of steam, which I think it doth here in this place. huh, huh – yes, it doth.
BUSY scents after it like a hound.
And it were a sin of obstinacy, great obstinacy, high and horrible obstinacy, to decline or resist the good titillation of the famelic sense, which is the smell. Therefore be bold – huh, huh, huh – follow the scent. Enter the tents of the unclean for once, and
80 satisfy your wife’s frailty. Let your frail wife be satisfied; your zealous mother and my suffering self will also be satisfied.
LITTLEWIT: Come, win, as good winny here as go farther and see nothing.
BUSY: We ’scape so much of the other vanities by our early ent’ – ring.
DAME PURECRAFT: It is an edifying consideration.
MISTRESS LITTLEWIT: This is scurvy, that we must come into the fair and not look on’t.
LITTLEWIT: Win, have patience, win, I’ ll tell you more anon.
90 KNOCKEM: Mooncalf, entertain within there; the best pig i’ the booth, a pork-like pig. These are banbury-bloods, o’ the sincere stud, come a pig-hunting. whit, wait, whit, look to your charge.
[Exeunt DAME PURECRAFT, MISTRESS LITTLEWIT, LITTLEWIT, and WHIT into the booth.]
BUSY: A pig prepare presently; let a pig be prepared to us.
[Exit. Enter MOONCALF and URSULA.]
MOONCALF: ’slight, who be these?
URSULA: Is this the good service, jordan, you’ d do me?
KNOCKEM: why, urs? why, urs? thou’ lt ha’ vapours i’ thy leg again presently; pray thee go in; ’t may turn to the scratches else.
100 URSULA: Hang your vapours, they are stale, and stink like youAre these the guests o’ the game you promised to fill my pit withal, today?
KNOCKEM: Ay, what ail they, Urs?
URSULA: Ail they? They are all sippers, sippers o’ the City. They look as they would not drink off two pen’ orth of bottle-ale amongst ’em.
MOONCALF: A body may read that i’ their small printed ruffs.
KNOCKEM: Away, thou art a fool, Urs, and thy Mooncalf, too, i’ your ignorant vapours, now! hence! Good guests, I say, right
110 hypocrites, good gluttons. In, and set a couple o’ pigs o’ the board, and half a dozen of the biggest bottles afore ’ em, and call Whit. I do not love to hear innocents abused. Fine ambling hypocrites! and a stone-puritan with a sorrel head and beard – good mouthed gluttons, two to a pig. Away!
[Exit MOONCALF.]
URSULA: Are you sure they are such?
KNOCKEM: O’ the right breed; thou shalt try ’ em by the teeth, urs. where’s this whit?
[Re-enter WHIT.]
WHIT: Behold, man, and see, what a worthy man am ee! With the fury of my sword, and the shaking of my beard,
120 I will make ten thousand men afeard.
KNOCKEM: Well said, brave Whit; in, and fear the ale out o’ the bottles into the bellies of the Brethren and the Sisters; drink to the cause, and pure vapours.
[Exeunt KNOCKEM, WHIT, and URSULA.]
QUARLOUS: My roarer is turned tapster, methinks. now were a fine time for thee, winwife, to lay aboard thy widow; thou’ lt never be master of a betterseason or place; she that will venture herself into the fair and a pig-box will admit any assault, be assured of that.
WINWIFE: I love not enterprises of that suddenness, though.
130 QUARLOUS: I’ll warrant thee, then, no wife out o’the widows’ hundred.if I had but as much title to her as to have breathed once on that strait stomacher of hers, I would now assure myself to carry her yet, ere she went out of smithfield. Or she should carry me, which were the fitter sight, I confess. But you are a modest undertaker, by circumstances and degrees; come, ‘tis disease in thee, not judgement; I shouldoffer at all together. look, here’s the poor fool again that was stung by the wasp, erewhile.
III iii [Enter JUSTICE OVERDO.]
[OVERDO:] I will make no more orations shall draw on these tragical conclusions. And I begin now to think that, by a spice of collateral justice, adam overdo deserved this beating; for I, the said adam, was one cause (a by-cause) why the purse was lost; and my wife’s brother’s purse too, which they know not of yet. But I shall make very good mirth with it at supper (that will be the sport), and put my little friend master humphrey wasp’s choler quite out of countenance; when, sitting at the upper end o’ my table, as I use, and drinking to my brother cokes and
10 Mistress Alice Overdo, as I will, my wife, for their good affection to old Bradley, I deliver to ’ em it was I that was cudgelled, and show ’ em the marks. To see what bad events may peep out o’ the tail of good purposes! The care I had of that civil young man I took fancy to this morning (and have not left it yet) drew me to that exhortation, which drew the company, indeed, which drew the cutpurse; which drew the money; which drew my brother Cokes’s loss; which drew on Wasp’s anger; which drew on my beating: a pretty gradation! And they shall ha’ it i’ their dish, i’ faith, at night for fruit; I love to
20 be merry at my table. I had thought once, at one special blow he ga’ me, to have revealed myself; but then (I thank thee, fortitude) I remembered that a wise man (and who is ever so great a part o’ the Commonwealth in himself) for no particular disaster ought to abandon a public good design. The husbandman ought not, for one unthankful year, to forsake the plough; the shepherd ought not, for one scabbed sheep, to throw by his tar-box; the pilot ought not, for one leak i’ the poop, to quit the helm; nor the alderman ought not, for one custard more at a meal, to give up his cloak; the constable ought not to
30 break his staff and forswear the watch, for one roaring night;the piper o’ the parish (ut parvis componere magna solebam) to put up his pipes for one rainy Sunday. These are certain knocking conclusions; out of which I am resolved, comewhat come can – come beating, come imprisonment, come infamy, come banishment, nay, come the rack, come the hurdle – welcome all – I will not discover who I am till my due time; and yet still all shall be, as I said ever, in Justice’ name, and the King’s and for the Commonwealth!
40 WINWIFE: What does he talk to himself, and act so seriously? Poor fool!
[Exit JUSTICE OVERDO.]
QUARLOUS: No matter what. Here’s fresher argument, intend that.
III iv [Enter COKES, MISTRESS OVERDO, and GRACE, followed by WASP, loaded with toys.]
COKES: Come, Mistress grace, come sister, here’s more fine sights yet, i’ faith. God’s lid, where’s Numps?
LEATHERHEAD: What do you lack, gentlemen? What is’t you buy? Fine rattles? drums? babies? little dogs? and birds for ladies? What do you lack?
COKES: Good honest Numps, keep afore. I am so afraid thou’ lt lose somewhat; my heart was at my mouth when I missed thee.
WASP: You were best buy a whip i’ your hand to drive me.
COKES: Nay, do not mistake. Numps, thou art so apt to mistake; I would but watch the goods. Look you now, the treble fiddle was
10 e’ en almost like to be lost.
WASP: Pray you take heed you lose not yourself. Your best way were e’ en get up and ride for more surety. Buy a token’s worth of great pins to fasten yourself to my shoulder.
LEATHERHEAD: What do you lack, gentlemen? Fine purses, pouches, pincases, pipes? What is’t you lack? A pair o’smiths to wake you i’ the morning? or a fine whistling bird?
COKES: Numps,
here be finer things than any we ha’ bought, by odds! And more delicate horses, a great deal! Good Numps,
20 stay, and come hither.
WASP: Will you scourse with him? You are in Smithfield; you may fit yourself with a fine easy-going street-nag for your saddle again’ Michaelmas term, do. Has he ne’ er a little odd cart for you, to make a caroche on, i’ the country, with four pied hobby-horses? Why the measles should you stand here with your train, cheaping of dogs, birds, and babies? You ha’ no children to bestow ’ em on, ha’ you?
COKES: No, but again’ I ha’ children, Numps, that’s all one.
WASP: Do, do, do, do. How many shall you have, think you?
30 An’ I were as you, I’d buy for all my tenants, too. They are a kind o’ civil savages that will part with their children for rattles, pipes, and knives. You were best buy a hatchet or two and truck with ’em.
COKES: Good Numps, hold that little tongue o’ thine, and save it a labour. I am resolute Bat, thou know’st.
WASP: A resolute fool you are, I know, and a very sufficient coxcomb, with all my heart; nay, you have it, sir, an’ you be angry, turd i’ your teeth, twice (if I said it not once afore); and much good do you.
40 WINWIFE: Was there ever such a self-affliction? And so impertinent?
QUARLOUS: Alas! his care will go near to crack him; let’s in and comfort him.
WASP: Would I had been set i’ the ground, all but the head on me, and had my brains bowled at, or threshed out, when first I underwent this plague of a charge!
QUARLOUS: How now, numps! almost tired i’ your protectorship? Overparted? overparted?
WASP: Why, I cannot tell, sir; it may be I am; does’t grieve you?
50 QUARLOUS: No, I swear does’t not, numps, to satisfy you.
WASP: Numps? ‘sblood, you are fine and familiar! how long ha’ we been acquainted, I pray you?
QUARLOUS: I think it may be remembered, numps, that? ‘twas since morning sure.
WASP: Why, I hope I know’t well enough, sir; I did not ask to be told.
QUARLOUS: No? Why Then?
WASP: It’s no matter why; you see with your eyes, now, what I said to you today? You’ ll believe me another time?
60 QUARLOUS: Are you removing the Fair, Numps?
WASP: A pretty question! and a very civil one! Yes faith, I ha’ my lading you see, or shall have anon; you may know whose beast I am by my burden. If the pannier-man’s jack were ever better known by his loins of mutton, I’ ll be flayed, and feed dogs for him, when his time comes.
WINWIFE: How melancholy Mistress Grace is yonder! pray thee let’s go enter ourselves in grace with her.
COKES: Those six horses, friend, I’ ll have
WASP: How!
COKES: And the three Jew’s trumps; and a half dozen o’ birds,
70 and that drum (I have one drum already) and your smiths (I like that device o’ your smiths very pretty well) and four halberts – and (le’ me see) that fine painted great lady, and her three women for state, I’ ll have.
WASP: No, the shop; buy the whole shop, it will be best, the shop, the shop!
LEATHERHEAD: If his worship please.
WASP: Yes, and keep it during the Fair, bobchin.
COKES: Peace, Numps. – Friend, do not meddle with him, an’
80 you be wise, and would show your head above board. He will sting diorough your wrought nightcap, believe me. A set of these violins I would buy too, for a delicate young noise I have t’ the country, that are every one a size less than another, just like your fiddles. I would fain have a fine young masque at my marriage, now I dunk on’t; but I do want such a number of things. And Numps will not help me now, and I dare not speak to him.
TRASH: Will your worship buy any gingerbread, very good bread, comfortable bread?
90 COKES: Gingerbread! Yes, let’s see.
He runs to her shop.
WASP: There’s the tother springe!
LEATHERHEAD: Is this well, Goody Joan? to interrupt my market? in the midst? and call away my customers? Can you answer this at the Pie-powders?
TRASH: Why, if his mastership have a mind to buy, I hope my ware lies as open as another’s. I may show my ware as well as you yours.
COKES: Hold your peace; I’ ll content you both: I’ ll buy up his shop and thy basket.
100 WASP: Will you i’ faith?
LEATHERHEAD: Why should you put him from it, friend?
WASP: Cry you mercy! You’ d be sold too, would you? What’s the price on you? Jerkin and all, as you stand? Ha’ you any qualities?
TRASH: Yes, Goodman Angry-man, you shall find he has qualities, if you cheapen him.
WASP: Godso, you ha’ the selling of him! What are they? Will they be bought for love or money?
TRASH: No indeed, sir.
110 WASP: For what then? Victuals?
TRASH: He scorns victuals, sir; he has bread and butter at home, thanks be to God! And yet he will do more for a good meal, if the toy take him i’ the belly. marry then they must not set him at lower end; if they do, he’ ll go away, though he fast. But put him atop o’ the table, where his place is, and he’ ll do you forty fine things. He has not been sent for, and sought out, for nothing, at your great City suppers, to put down Coriat and Cokely, and been laughed at for his labour. He’ ll play you all the puppets
120 i’ the town over, and the players, every company, and his own company too; he spares nobody!
COKES: I’ faith?
TRASH: He was the first, sir, that ever baited the fellow i’ the bear’s skin, an’t like your worship. No dog ever came near him since. And for fine motions!
COKES: Is he good at those too? Can he set out a masque, trow?
TRASH: O Lord, master! sought to, far and near, for his inventions; and he engrosses all, he makes all the puppets i’ the Fair.
COKES: Dost thou, in troth, old velvet jerkin? Give me thy hand.
TRASH: Nay, sir, you shall see him in his velvet jerkin, and a scarf too, at night, when you hear him interpret Master Littlewit’s motion.
130 COKES: Speak no more, but shut up shop presently, friend. I’ II buy both it and thee too, to carry down with me, and her hamper beside. Thy shop shall furnish out the masque, and hers the banquet. I cannot go less, to set out anything with credit. What’s the price, at a word, o’ thy whole shop, case and all as it stands?
LEATHERHEAD: Sir, it stands me in six and twenty shillings seven-pence halfpenny, besides three shillings for my ground.
COKES: Well, thirty shillings will do all, then! And what comes yours to?
140 TRASH: Four shillings and elevenpence, sir, ground and all, an’t like your worship.
COKES: Yes, it does like my worship very well, poor woman; that’s five shillings more. What a masque shall i furnish out for forty shillings (twenty pound scotch)! and a banquet of gingerbread ! There’s a stately thing! Numps! Sister! and my wedding gloves too! (That I never thought on afore.) All my wedding gloves gingerbread! O me! what a device will there be to make ’ em eat their fingers’ ends! And delicate brooches for the
150 bride-men and all! And then I’ll ha’ this posy to put to ’ em:
‘For the best grace,’ meaning Mistress Grace, my wedding posy.
GRACE: I am beholden to you, sir, and to your Barthol’ mew-wit.
WASP: You do not mean this, do you? Is this your first purchase?
COKES: Yes, faith, and I do not think, Numps, but thou’ lt say, it was the wisest act that ever I did in my wardship.
WASP: Like enough! I shall say anything, I!
III v [Enter EDGWORTH and NIGHTINGALE, followed by JUSTICE OVERDO.]
[OVERDO (aside):] I cannot beget a project, with all my political brain, yet; my project is how to fetch off this proper young man from his debauched company. I have followed him all the Fair over, and still I find him with this songster; and I begin shrewdly to suspect their familiarity; and the young man of a terrible taint, poetry! with which idle disease if he be infected,
there’s no hope of him in a state-course. Actum est of him for a commonwealth’s-man if he go to’t in rhyme once.
10 EDGWORTH [to NIGHTINGALE]: Yonder he is buying o’ ginger-bread. Set in quickly, before he part with too much on his money.
NIGHTINGALE [singing]: My masters and friends and good people, draw near, etc.
COKES: Ballads! hark, hark! Pray thee, fellow, stay a little! Good Numps, look to the goods. What ballads hast thou? let me see, Let me see myself.
He runs to the ballad-man.
WASP: Why so! He’s flown to another lime-bush; there he will flutter as long more, till he ha’ ne’ er a feather left. is there a vexation like this, gentlemen? Will you believe me now? Here after shall I have credit with you?
20 QUARLOUS: Yes faith, shalt thou, Numps, an’ thou art worthy on’t, for thou sweatest for’t. I never saw a young pimp-errant and his squire better matched.
WINWIFE: Faith, the sister comes after ’em well, too.
GRACE: Nay, if you saw the Justice her husband, my guardian, you were fitted for the mess; he is such a wise one his way –
WINWIFE: I wonder we see him not here.
GRACE: O! he is too serious for this place, and yet better sport than the other three, I assure you, gentlemen, where’ er he is, though’t be o’ the bench.
30 COKES: How dost thou call it? ‘A Caveat Against Cutpurses!’ A good jest, i’ faith; I would fain see that demon, your cutpurse, you talk of, that delicate-handed devil; they say he walks hereabout. I would see him walk, now. Look you, sister, here, here, let him come, sister, and welcome.
He shows his purse boastingly.
Ballad-man, does any cutpurses haunt hereabout? Pray thee raise me one or two; begin and show me one.
NIGHTINGALE: Sir, this is a spell against ’ em, spick and span new; and ’tis made as ’twere in mine own person, and I sing it in mine own defence. But ’twill cost a penny alone, if you buy it.
40 COKES: No matter for the price; thou dost not know me, I see; I am an odd Barthol’ mew.
MISTRESS OVERDO: Has’t a fine picture, brother?
COKES: O sister, do you remember the ballads over the nursery-chimney at home o’ my own pasting up? There be bravepictures! other manner of pictures than these, friend.