by Ben Jonson
GRACE: Sure you think me a woman of an extreme levity, gentlemen, or a strange fancy, that (meeting you by chance in such a
20 place as this, both at one instant, and not yet of two hours’ acquaintance, neither of you deserving afore the other of me) I should so forsake my modesty (though I might affect one more particularly) as to say, ‘This is he, ’ and name him.
QUARLOUS: Why, wherefore should you not? what should hinder you?
GRACE: If you would not give it to my modesty, allow it yet to my wit; give me so much of woman and cunning as not to betray myself impertinently. How can I judge of you so far as
30 to a choice without knowing you more? You are both equal and alike to me yet; and so indifferently affected by me as each of you might be the man if the other were away. For you are reasonable creatures; you have understanding and discourse. And if fate send me an understanding husband, I have no fear at all but mine own manners shall make him a good one.
QUARLOUS: Would I were Put forthto making for you, then!
GRACE: It may be you are; you know not what’stoward you.
Will you consent to amotion of mine, gentlemen?
WINWIFE: Whatever it be, we’ll presume reasonableness,
40 coming from you.
QUARLOUS: And fitness too.
GRACE: I saw one of you buy a pair oftables e’en now.
WINWIFE: Yes, here they be, and maiden ones too, unwritten in.
GRACE: The fitter for what they may be employed in. You shall write, either of you, here, a word or a name – what you like best – but of two or three syllables at most; and the next person that comes this way (because destiny has a high hand in business of this nature) I’ ll demand which of the two words he or she doth approve; and according to that sentence fix my resolution
50 and affection without change.
QUARLOUS: Agreed. My word is conceived already.
WINWIFE: And mine shall not be long creating after.
GRACE: But you shall promise, gentlemen, not to be curious to know which of you it is, taken; but give me leave to conceal that till you have brought me either home, or where I may safelytender myself.
WINWIFE: Why, that’s butequal.
QUARLOUS: We are pleased.
60 GRACE: Because I will bind both your endeavours to work together, friendly and jointly, each to the other’s fortune, and have myself fitted with some means to make him that is forsaken a part of amends.
QUARLOUS: These conditions are very courteous. Well, my word is out of the Arcadia, then: ‘Argalus’.
WINWIFE: And mine out of the play, ‘Palemon’.
TROUBLE-ALL comes again.
TROUBLE-ALL: Have you any warrant for this, gentlemen?
QUARLOUS, WINWIFE: Ha!
TROUBLE-ALL: There must be a warrant had, believe it.
WINWIFE: For what?
TROUBLE-ALL: For Whatsoever it is, anything indeed, no matter
70 what.
QUARLOUS: ’Slight, here’s a fine ragged prophet, dropped down i’ the nick!
TROUBLE-ALL: Heaven quit you, gentlemen.
QUARLOUS: Nay, stay a little. Good lady, put him to the question.
GRACE: You are content, then?
WINWIFE, QUARLOUS: Yes, yes.
GRACE: Sir, here are two names written –
TROUBLE-ALL: Is Justice Overdo one?
GRACE: How, sir? i pray you read ’em to yourself – it is for a
80 wager between these gentlemen – and with a stroke or any difference, mark which you approve best.
TROUBLE-ALL: They may be both worshipful names for ought I know, mistress, but Adam Overdo had been worth three of’ em, I assure you, in this place; that’s in plain English.
GRACE: This man amazes me! I pray you, like one of ’ em, sir.
TROUBLE-ALL: I do like him there, that has the best warrant. Mistress, to save your longing (and multiply him), it may be this.[Marks the book.] But I am ay still for Justice Overdo,
90 that’s my conscience. And quit you.
[EXIT.]
WINWIFE: Is’t done, lady?
GRACE: Ay, and strangely as ever I saw! What fellow is this, trow?
QUARLOUS: NO matter what, a fortune-teller we ha’ made him.
Which is’t, which is’t?
GRACE: Nay, did you not promise not to inquire?
[Enter EDGWORTH.]
QUARLOUS: ’Slid, I Forgot that, pray you pardon me. look, here’s our Mercury come. The licence arrives I’ the finest time, too! ’Tis but scraping out Cokes’s name, and ’tis done.
WINWIFE: How now,lime-twig? Hast thou touched?
100 EDGWORTH: Not yet, sir; except you would go with me and see’t, it’s not worth speaking on. The act is nothing without a witness. Yonder he is, your man with the box, fall’ n into the finest company, and so transported with vapours; they ha’ got in a northern clothier and one Puppy, a western man, that’s come towrestle before my Lord mayor anon, and captain whit, and one val cutting, that helps Captain Jordan to roar, acircling boy; with whom your numps is so taken that you may strip him of his clothes, if you will. I’ ll undertake to geld him for you, if you had but a surgeon ready to sear him. And
110 Mistress Justice, there, is the goodest woman! She does so love’ em all over, in terms of justice and the style of authority, with her hood upright – that I beseech you come away, gentlemen, and see’t.
QUARLOUS: ’Slight, I would not lose it for the Fair; what’ ll you do, Ned?
WINWIFE: Why, stay here about for you; Mistress Wellborn must not be seen.
QUARLOUS: Do so, and find out a priest i’ the meantime; I’ ll bring the licence.[To EDGWORTH] Lead, which way is’t?
[Exeunt WINWIFE and GRACE.]
120 EDGWORTH: Here, sir, you are o’ the backside o’ the booth already; you may hear the noise.
IV iV [KNOCKEM, NORTHERN, PUPPY, CUTTING, WHIT, WASP, and MISTRESS OVERDO discovered drinking in Ursula’s booth.]
[KNOCKEM:] Whit, bid Val Cutting continue the vapours for a lift, whit, for alift.
NORTHERN: I’ ll ne mare, I’ ll ne mare, the eale’s too meeghty.
KNOCKEM: How now! myGalloway Nag,the staggers? Ha! Whit, gi’ him a slit i’ the forehead. Cheer up, man; a needle and thread to stitch his ears. I’d cure him now, an’ I had it, with a little butter and garlic, long-pepper, and grains. Where’s my horn? I’ ll gi’ him a mash, presently, shall take away this dizziness.
PUPPY: Why, where are you, zurs? Do you vlinch and leave us
10 I’ the zuds, now?
NORTHERN: I’ll ne mare, I is e’en as vull as a paiper’s bag, by my troth, I.
PUPPY: Do my northern cloth zhrink i’ the wetting, ha?
KNOCKEM: Why, well said, old flea-bitten, thou’ lt never tire, I see.
They fall to their vapours, again.
CUTTING: No, sir, but he may tire, if it please him.
WHIT: Who told dee sho? that he vuld never teer, man?
CUTTING: No matter who told him so, so long as he knows.
KNOCKEM: Nay, I know nothing, sir, pardon me there.
20 EDGWORTH [to QUARLOUS]: They are at it still, sir; this they call vapours.
WHIT: He shall not pardon dee, Captain, dou shalt not be pardoned. Pre’de shweetheart, do not pardon him.
CUTTING: ’Slight, I’ ll pardon him, an’ I list, whosoever says nay to’t.
QUARLOUS: Where’s Numps? I miss him.
WASP: Why, I say nay to’t.
QUARLOUS: O there he is!
30 KNOCKEM: To what do you say nay, sir?
Here they continue their game of vapours, which is nonsense: every man to oppose the last man that spoke, whether it concerned him or no.
WASP: To anything, whatsoever it is, so long as I do not like it.
WHIT: Pardon me, little man, dou musht like it a little.
CUTTING: No, he must not like it at all, sir; there you are i’ the wrong.
WHIT: I tink I Be; he musht not like it, indeed.<
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CUTTING: Nay, then he both must and will like it, sir, for all you.
KNOCKEM: If he have reason, he may like it, sir.
40 WHIT: By no meansh, Captain, upon reason; he may like nothing upon reason.
WASP: I have no reason, nor I will hear of no reason, nor I will Look for no reason, and he is an ass that either knows any or looks for’t from me.
CUTTING: Yes, in some sense you may have reason, sir.
WASP: Ay, in some sense, I care not if I grant you.
WHIT: Pardon me, thou ougsht to grant him nothing, in no shensh, if dou do love dyshelf, angry man.
WASP: Why then, I do grant him nothing; and I have no sense.
CUTTING: ’Tis true, thou hast no sense indeed.
WASP: ’Slid, but I have sense, now I think on’t better, and I will
50 grant him anything, do you see?
KNOCKEM: He is i’ the right, and does utter a sufficient vapour.
CUTTING: Nay, it is no sufficient vapour, neither; I deny that.
KNOCKEM: Then it is a sweet vapour.
CUTTING: It may be a sweet vapour.
WASP: Nay, it is no sweet vapour, neither, sir; it stinks, and I’ ll stand to’t.
WHIT: Yes, I tink it doesh shtink, Captain. All vapour doesh shtink.
WASP: Nay, then it does not stink, sir, and it shall not stink.
60 CUTTING: by your leave, it may, sir.
WASP: Ay, by my leave, it may stink; I know that.
WHIT: pardon me, thou knowesht nothing; it cannot by thy leave, angry man.
WASP: How can it not?
KNOCKEM: Nay, never question him, for he is i’ the right. WHIT: yesh, I am i’ de right, I confesh it; so ish de little man too. WASP: I’ ll have nothing confessed that concerns me. I am not i’ the right, nor never was i’ the right, nor never will be i’ the right, while I am in my right mind.
70 CUTTING: Mind? Why, here’s no man minds you, sir, nor anything else.
They drink again.
PUPPY: Vriend, will you mind this that we do?
QUARLOUS [to EDGWORTH]: Call you this vapours? This is such belching of quarrel as I never heard. Will you mind your business, sir?
EDGWORTH: You shall see, sir.
NORTHERN: I’ ll ne mair, my waimb warks too mickle with this auready.
EDGWORTH: Will you take that, Master Wasp, that nobody should mind you?
WASP: Why? What ha’ you to do? Is’t any matter to you?
EDGWORTH: No, but methinks you should not be unminded, though.
WASP: Nor I wu’ not be, now I think on’t; do you hear, new acquaintance, does no man mind me, say you?
CUTTING: Yes, sir, every man here minds you, but how?
WASP: Nay, I care as little how as you do; that was not my question.
SHIT: No, noting was ty question; tou art a learned man, and I am a valiant man; i’ faith la, tou shalt speak for me, and I vil
90 l fight for tee.
KNOCKEM: Fight for him, Whit? A gross vapour; he can fight for himself.
WASP: It may be I can, but it may be I wu’ not, how then?
CUTTING: Why, then you may choose.
WASP: Why, and I’ ll choose whether I’ ll choose or no.
KNOCKEM: I think you may, and ’tis true; and I allow it for a resolute vapour.
100WASP: Nay, then, I do think you do not think and it is no resolute vapour.
CUTTING: Yes, in some sort he may allow you.
KNOCKEM: In no sort, sir, pardon me, I can allow him nothing.
You mistake the vapour.
WASP: He mistakes nothing, sir, in no sort.
WHIT: Yes, I pre dee now, let him mistake.
WASP: A turd i’ your teeth, never pre dee me, for I will have nothing mistaken.
KNOCKEM: Turd, ha, turd? A noisome vapour; strike, Whit.
They fall by the ears.
[EDGWORTH steals the licence out of the box. Exit.] MISTRESS OVERDO: Why gentlemen, Why gentlemen, I charge
110 you upon my authority, conserve the peace. In the King’s name, and my husband’s, put up your weapons; I shall be driven tocommit you youself, else.
QUARLOUS: Ha, ha, ha.
WASP: Why do you laugh, sir?
QUARLOUS: Sir, you’ll allow me my Christian liberty. I may laugh, I hope.
CUTTING: In some sort you may, andin some sort you may not, sir
KNOCKEM: Nay, in some sort, sir, he may neither laugh nor hope
120 in this company.
WASP: Yes, then he may both laugh and hope in any sort, an’t please him.
QUARLOUS: Faith, and I will then, for it doth please me exceedingly.
WASP: Noexceeding neither, sir.
KNOCKEM: No, that vapour is too lofty.
QUARLOUS: Gentlemen, I do not play well at your game of vapours; I am not very good at it, but –
CUTTING: Do you hear, sir? I would speak with you in circle!
He draws a circle on the ground.
130 QUARLOUS: In circle, sir? what would you with me in circle?
CUTTING: Can you lend me a piece, ajacobus in circle?
QUARLOUS: ’slid, your circle will prove more costly than your vapours, then. Sir, no, I lend you none.
CUTTING: Your beard’s not well turned up, sir.
QUARLOUS: How, rascal? Are you playing with my beard? I’ ll break circle with you.
They draw all, and fight.
PUPPY, NORTHERN: Gentlemen, gentlemen!
KNOCKEM [aside]: Gather up, Whit, gather up, Whit. Good vapours!
[Exit.]
[WHIT takes the cloaks and hides them.]
140 MISTRESS OVERDO: What mean you? are you rebels, gentle-men? shall I send out a sergeant-at-arms or a writ o’ rebellion against you? I’ ll commit you, upon my womanhood, for a riot, upon my justice-hood, if you persist.
[Exeunt QUARLOUS and CUTTING.]
WASP: Upon your justice-hood? Marry, shit o’ your hood; you’ ll commit? spoke like a true Justice of peace’s wife, indeed, and a fine female lawyer! Turd i’ your teeth for a fee, now.
MISTRESS OVERDO: Why, Numps, in Master Overdo’s name, I charge you.
WASP: Good Mistress underdo, hold your tongue.
150 MISTRESS OVERDO: Alas! poor Numps.
WASP: Alas! And why alas from you, I beseech you? Or why poor Numps, Goody rich? am Icome to be pitied by your tuft taffeta now? why mistress, knew adam, the clerk, your husband, when he was Adam scrivener, and writ for twopence a sheet, as high as he bears his head now, or you your hood, dame.
The watch comes in.
What are you, sir?
BRISTLE: We be men, and no infidels. what is the matter here, and the noises? Can you tell?
160 WASP: Heart, what ha’ you to do? cannot a man quarrel in quiet-ness, but he must be put out on’t by you? what are you?
BRISTLE: Why, we be His majesty’s watch, sir.
WASP: Watch? ’Sblood, you are a sweet watch, indeed. a body would think, an’ you watched well a-nights, you should be contented to sleep at this time a-day. Get you to your fleas and your flock-beds, you rogues, your kennels, and lie down close.
BRISTLE: Down? yes, we will down, I warrant you - down with him in his Majesty’s name, down, down with him, and carry him away to the pigeon-holes!
[BRISTLE and POACHER seize WASP.]
170 MISTRESS OVERDO: I thank you, honest friends, in the behalf o’ the Crown and the peace, and in master Overdo’s name, for suppressing enormities.
WHIT: Stay, Bristle, here ish a noder brash o’; drunkards, but very quiet, special drunkards, will pay dee five shillings very well take. ’ em to dee, in de graish o’ God. one of’ em does change cloth for ale in the Fair here, te toder ish a strong man, a mighty man, my Lord mayor’s man, and a wrestler. he Has wrestled so long with the bottle, here, that the man with the beard hash almost streek up hish heelsh.
180 BRISTLE: ’slid, the clerk o’ the market has been to cry him all the fair over, here, for my Lord’s service.
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WHIT: Tere he ish, pre de taik him hensh and make ty best on him.
[Exit the WATCH with WASP, NORTHERN, and PUPPY.]
How now, woman o’ shilk, vat ailsh ty shweet faish? art tou mealancholy?
MISTRESS OVERDO: A little distempered with these enormities.
Shall I entreat a courtesy of you, Captain?
WHIT: Entreat a hundred, velvet voman, I vill do it; shpeak out.
MISTRESS OVERDO: I cannot with modesty speak it out, but -
[Whispers.]
WHIT: I vill do it, and more, and more, for dee. what, urs’la,
190 an’t be bitch, an’t be bawd, an’t be!
[Enter URSULA.]
URSULA: How now, rascal? what roar you for, old pimp?
WHIT [to URSULA]: Here, put up de cloaks, Ursh; de purchase; pre dee now, shweet ursh, help dis good brave voman to a jordan, an’t be.
URSULA: ’Slid, call your captain Jordan to her, can you not?
200 WHIT: Nay, pre dee leave dy consheits, and bring the velvet woman to de -
URSULA: I bring her! Hang her! Heart, must I find a common pot for every punk i’ your purlieus?
WHIT: O good voordsh, Ursh; it ish a guest o’ velvet, i’ fait la.
URSULA. Let her sell her hood and buy a sponge, with a pox to her. My vessel is employed, sir. I have but one, and ’tis the bottom of an old bottle. An honest proctor and his wife are at it, within; if she’ll stay her time, so.
[Exit URSULA.]
WHIT: As soon ash tou cansht, shweet Ursh. of a valiant man I tink I am the patientsh man i’ the world, or in all Smithfield.
[Re-enter KNOCKEM.]
KNOCKEM: How now, Whit? close vapours, stealing your leaps?
Covering in corners, ha?
WHIT: No, fait, Captain, dough tou beesht a vishe man, dy vit is
210 a mile hence, now. I vas procuring a shmall courtesy for a woman of fashion here.
MISTRESS OVERDO: Yes, Captain, though I am Justice of Peace’s wife, I do love men of war and the sons of the sword, when they come before my husband.
KNOCKEM: Say’st thou so, filly? Thou shalt have a leap presently;
I’ ll horse thee myself, else.
[Re-enter URSULA, followed by LITTLEWIT and MISTRESS LITTLEWIT.]
URSULA: Come, will you bring her in now? and let her take her turn?
WHIT: Gramercy, good Ursh, I tank dee.
220 MISTRESS OVERDO: Master Overdo shall thank her.
[Exit.]
[LITTLEWIT:] Good Gammer Urs, Win and I are exceedingly beholden to you, and to Captain Jordan and Captain Whit. Win, i’ ll be bold to leave you i’ this good company, Win, for half an hour or so, win, While i go and see how my matter goes forward, and if the puppets be perfect; and then I’ ll come and fetch you, Win.