by S.M. Winter
best to steady my breathing. These two had been through so much in the last few weeks. First losing their mother, and now their father. I had a vague recollection of picking them up at some game center. Valerie had taken them away from the house and watched over them while we fought. This was all relayed to me while I was near dead on my feet. We had located the boys and Valerie at a nearby arcade. In order to make the trip back to the Sanctuary we had decided to find a less occupied area to use our keys so we piled back into the taxi to find a safer location. Immediately upon entering the cab, the boys took occupation of my lap. Tad had asked where their father was, but Thomas had just looked at me.
“He’s dead too,” he’d stated. It hadn’t even been a question. I’d just nodded, holding back tears.
Tad made conversation with everyone and wondered when he would see his father again. How did you explain this to a child? No one should have to. We took them home with us so that I could figure out what to do. I couldn’t subject them to being raised by my mother, and while my father may have cleaned up his act, I wasn’t sure it could last. I was proud that I had been the catalyst in his change and I did forgive him. I knew it was a disease, but it was a disease without a cure. One had to be vigilant in their efforts to contain it. If not, one slip and it was back to square one. There was no telling what the damage would be this time.
Even though they weren’t my blood, they were the last of my family. I wasn’t going to let them go. When they were old enough to understand I would take them for a visit. Until then, I was their only protection. That was it. I was their last line of defense. It was a terrifying prospect. I had to learn all I could before the next battle, and there would be a next battle. I would make sure of it. But the first thing was to ensure my nephew’s safety.
Valerie had mentioned that there was a kind of safe house for children orphaned by the Void. We would take them there. It felt like I would be abandoning them, but Valerie said that I could visit them as much as I wanted. I opened my eyes again and listened to the boys breathing. Every so often, Thomas would reach out for me in his sleep, just to make sure I was still there. Tad woke every couple hours to make sure I was alive. My heart broke for them both.
My eyes fell on the letter that lay open on the desk across the room. Where did I come from? Who was I? Where were my parents now? I’d never thought about it because I thought I’d known. I’d had fantasies as a child that I’d been adopted and my real parents had been high powered physicists that didn’t have time for offspring. I would have understood and wanted to follow in their footsteps. When I’d grown out of that fantasy and found art, I’d just wanted to get out of the house as quickly as possible.
I had received scholarships and grants, but school had been expensive. The letter that said I had a full ride hadn’t been from the college. It had come the same day as the acceptance letter so I just assumed it was a partner company that took a special interest in my graduating early. When I graduated Valedictorian I received a letter from the same company that offered further schooling, if I was been interested. I would need to dig out those letters to see if there was any clues. The company: Herr Wolff’s Warren for Wayward Wards I’d thought the alliteration cute at the time, but now it posed more questions. I wondered now if they had something to do with my adoption.
The letter currently on the desk, was an answer of a different sort. I closed my eyes and read the letter all over again in my mind. I’d read it so many times the paper had begun to fray at the edges, I knew every crease and wrinkle in the paper.
My Dear Daughter,
I never did right by you. Let me try to make up for my mistakes by telling you the truth you deserve.
I will always consider you my daughter. Your mother and I discussed keeping this a secret but I’m not sure I would be able to live with myself if I didn’t. I hope to see you at your sister’s funeral because I want to tell you. Not to hurt you, but to relieve you of our burden. I hope you will still visit us, even though I haven’t seen much of you the last few years. I don’t blame you.
I love your mother with everything I have, but she can be hard on you. For you to understand why, you need to know about the day you came into our lives. Your mother had been eight months pregnant with our son and she miscarried. It was one of the worst days of our lives. We’d found out that day that she would never be able to carry another child. It was the darkest day that I can remember. Your appearance on our doorstep had seemed like a cruel joke. For this truth I am sorry. I know better than to blame a child for my problems, but I did. I couldn’t forgive myself so I drank. I drank so much that I forgot what day it was or how old you were.
There had been a letter attached to your bassinet. It had read two simple lines: “This is Tabitha. While she lives with you, your bills will be paid.”
The adoption paperwork had been in a diaper bag. It was all filled out, but the adoptive parents were closed to us. The only information about them had been a medical history, which didn’t have anything in it except heart disease. All we had to do was file it. So that’s we did. The checks began the day after we filed and came every other week until the day you left our house.
I thank you every day for asking me to sign your petition for emancipation. It woke me up. My daughter, attending an Ivy League college. The pride I felt, even under the booze, had been overwhelming. I had to ask myself, what was I doing with my life? You are the reason I could get out of that chair that I had been stuck to for too many years to count. You are my saving grace. I hope in your heart you can find the compassion to forgive my absence in your life.
Today I have been five years sober and I thank you every single day. You are the higher power I pray to, to help strengthen me during my dark moments. Your determination and perseverance are my model. Come visit soon.
Love,
Dad
I still didn’t know how to process the confessions contained in the letter. That I could be the reason my father bettered himself was flattering, but what happens when he doesn’t see me or if I go missing? Will he slip? He drank through my entire childhood. I could easily forgive him, but the truth is that I’d never hated him for his absence. I’d just never understood it. In a way, he was part of the reason I studied so much. I was terrified to end up like him, wasting away in front of the television. It seemed like a slow death that I would never be able to survive, like some terminal cancer. I needed to learn new things constantly. If I wasn’t learning, it was almost as if I could feel my brain cells dying.
I concentrated on my breathing and tried to match it to the breathing of the small life forms surrounding me. They seemed so peaceful right now. I needed sleep, but I needed someone to hold me more than that. As I breathed deeply, I saw the beach from my first training session and brought it into focus around me. I felt the heat of the sand beneath my body as I stretched and the tickling breeze as it fluttered the branches above me. Two boys slept soundly on a blanket nearby. They seemed even more relaxed now that they were sleeping deeply under the dappled sunlight created by the shading trees. I listened to the breeze for a time before standing and walking to the nearby water. I let the water flirt with my toes and suck my feet deeper into the sand. The sensation was pleasant but reminded me uncomfortably of the nightmare I’d had my first night. Taking two steps backward, I sat in the sand and brought my knees up so I could rest my chin on them. The loneliness began to creep in and I wished for someone to share this time with. When footsteps fell behind me, and someone sat down next to me, I smiled. My smile quickly disappeared when I realized that it wasn’t Alexandar.
“Who are you?” I asked.
“A friend,” he replied.
He seemed out of place on the beach in his stark white three piece suit and black bow tie. His shoes were shiny and black, despite the small white sand crystals that clung to the sides. He held a black cane with a silver dandelion puff at the head, which he gently tapped against his shoes.
“Where’s Alexandar?” I asked.
Something told me I could trust him, but I couldn’t put my finger on why.
“He’s asleep, as you should be,” he replied.
“Why aren’t I?”
“Because of this,” he tapped his cane to his temple. “You’ve never been good at turning this off.”
“That’s true,” I nodded and poked my lower lip out, pouting.
I felt so much like a child in that moment. It felt good to stop thinking just for a little while and feel my youth.
“Have we met before?” I asked.
“Yes,” he smiled at me.
Though he was facing me, I couldn’t make out his features. I could see his clothes, his hands, and a black fedora on his head. But I couldn’t see his face. It was like looking through a really dirty window at the sun. I couldn’t look at him for very long because it hurt my head. I looked away before it gave me a headache and rubbed my temples. A sense of Deja Vu was forming, like a long forgotten dream that was breaking the surface of my memory.
“Have we met here before?” Everything seemed suddenly very silly.
“Exactly here,” he told me.
“This is our place isn’t it?” I asked. “Even though I’ve never been here in real life before.”
“That’s right,”