by S.M. Winter
found it?” Alexandar asked.
“Sort of,” Valerie hedged. “You have to come and see for yourself, but it’s obvious you two need to finish whatever it is you started. The information has kept this long, a bit longer won’t kill any of us.”
I watched as they both left. Chauncy caught Valerie’s hand and she smiled back at him. That was something I’d never really considered having, a relationship so easy it was like breathing.
“Let’s start over,” Alexandar’s voice shook me from my reverie. “Let’s start with stance.”
He came up behind me and set his hands on my hips. I froze. The few times we’d kissed we’d broken apart before it could get much farther and I was surprised by his tenacity. I was surprised again when he repositioned my hips rather than pulling me against him. I bent my knees at his insistence and stood with my feet shoulder width apart.
Walking around the front, he took my arms and brought them up to cover my face.
“This is called your guard,” he circled me making slight changes to my posture. “Show me how you make a fist.”
I pulled in my thumbs and wrapped my fingers around them. When I held them out for his inspection he chuckled.
“That is a good way to get your thumbs broken,” he said.
Taking my wrist, he opened my palm. He seemed to hesitate, then drew a line from my wrist to my middle finger. I shivered involuntarily at the fire it excited. He pushed my fingers down slowly, one at a time, and finished with wrapping my thumb on the outside of my closed hand. I felt more powerful just by holding my hands like this. I laughed awkwardly, trying to shake the feeling away. Self-Empowerment had never been a priority for me. Now that it had to be, I resisted. It felt wrong to empower myself. Alexandar was watching me closely.
“What’s going through your mind?” He wondered.
“I’m not sure I can do this,” I answered honestly.
“Are you giving up without trying?”
“Of course not,” I frowned.
“Then you need to believe you can do this.” He said as he touched my head. “This can be your greatest ally or your worst enemy.”
“I don’t want to hurt people,” my throat felt raw and a lump was forming.
“That’s the beauty of defending yourself,” he smiled at me. “You can choose not to, but if you don’t learn you won’t have the tools when you do need them.”
I nodded and took a deep breath. The bullies that I’d dealt with swam before my eyes. Would I have used self-defense on them if I’d known? Or would I have still let them beat me up? Would I still be a pacifist if I learn to defend myself? Or was my lack of knowledge what led me to dislike fighting in all forms?
I raised my fists back in front of me and swayed in the stance my like I’d seen Alexandar do. The swaying helped me find my balance.
“One more thing,” he ran lightly to a corner and came back with a set of gloves for me and a large round pad for himself. “Let’s start here and teach you the mechanics of a punch.”
I nodded as I slipped on the gloves and tightened the straps. Alexandar explained in minute detail: the difference between a strong punch and weak one, how to make sure your stance and wrist were strong and finally to aim at the middle of your target. I wasn’t sure why I was getting this achy anxiety as I stepped into the stance he’d shown me. I could barely listen to his instruction. The thought of punching anything was becoming increasingly frightening. Logically I knew he wouldn’t be hurt. Why was I so resistant? Taking a deep breath I held up my arms and stared at the pad.
Suddenly, everything became clear as I cast the first punch. Every time I hit the pad I could see the people who had wronged me. People I never thought twice about. The pain was so raw it consumed me. My breathing became labored, my eyes stung and the lump grew full force in my throat. But I couldn’t stop, the more I punched the more it flowed out of me.
Mr. Conrad. My middle school science teacher who had repeatedly attempted to belittle me because of my age and my sex. Charice Dixon. A girl in eighth grade who had become my friend only to tell me later that she had pretended on a dare. The bullies who had dogged me through high school. They’d thrown me in lockers and attempted to drown me once in P.E. My father. My mother. Finally, my sister. How dare she leave me? How could she? Why? Why me? This wasn’t what I wanted.
Alexandar dropped the pad and caught me as I threw the last punch. I fell straight into his arms where we dropped to the ground and I sobbed into his shirt. I felt empty and helpless. The power that had coursed through my body with that first swing was so unspeakable I was completely inept at describing it. When I’d finally gotten my breathing under control, I could hear Alexandar murmuring to me in what I’ve assumed to be Gaelic. I turned my face into his neck and breathed in his scent.
It was intoxicating. A mixture of cut grass and a field after a fresh rain. His breathing caught as I lifted my lips to a spot under his ear. A new kind of power began coursing through me and I turned into him. I sat on his lap and explored the curve of his jaw. He seemed to go very still, as if moving would scare me away. I ran my hands down his arms and felt the jump of his muscles at my touch. When my hands reached the bottom of his shirt, I hesitated and looked into his moss green eyes he nodded. I pulled the shirt up and off and looked at his bare chest. The muscles were taught and the skin over them was scarred. I looked back into his eyes and there seemed to be a grim sense of understanding there.
Small round burn marks with small groupings like an odd correlation chart. Puckered skin from cuts seemed to crisscross his chest. A horror filled me. What had he suffered before being an Elemental? I leaned forward and kissed the closest grouping of burns. There was a sharp intake of breath from him then his hands were on me and he was kissing me.
My emotions were swirling as he pulled me closer and deepened the kiss. A fire had been ignited and I wasn’t sure I wanted to put it out anymore. I had been empty after I’d poured my emotions into defending myself and now I needed something to fill myself again. I couldn’t get enough of him. His hands were everywhere. I didn’t even notice when the ground shook, but Alexandar did. He pulled away and put his forehead on mine, trying to catch his breath. I tried to pull him back but he resisted.
“You really want our first time to be on the gym floor?” He asked.
“Right now,” I told him. “I couldn’t care less.”
I felt a shudder go through him and that power I’d felt at the beginning surged up again. I had the ability to seduce him. It was a heady feeling.
“And that is why we won’t do this now,” he told me. “Because I know you will care.”
He stood and pulled me up with him.
“You need to get back on the horse,” he told me picking up the round pad again. “Otherwise this will be harder next time.”
Trepidation filled me as I looked at the pad. Would the same thing happen? Would I lose myself in my emotions again? I wasn’t sure I could survive it a second time. I took the stance I’d been taught and took a deep breath. When I threw the first punch it didn’t feel as draining. There was still a slow simmering boil below my skin for all the people that had ever wronged me in my life but as I threw another punch I realized something. I had forgiven them. All of them. My knees felt weak and I stumbled as I threw another punch. My breathing slowed again and I breathed deep. The resentment I’d been holding my entire life was gone. I hadn’t even realized it was there. I didn’t know there had been that underlying rage just below the surface. How often had I shoved it back? Pushed it down because it was the polite thing to do? No more.
When I stood up again I faced the pad and something else appeared in front of me. A new mission. I imagined a faceless character that needed to be defeated, something to work towards. When I punched again it was one step closer to my mission. Instead of rage I felt righteous.
Alexandar had gone through different moves and punches with me for what felt like hours. Rather than drained afterward I felt invigorated. I ha
d wanted to keep going but Alexandar convinced me to take a break. We were both covered in sweat and it was time to meet with Chauncy and Valerie to find out what they had learned about the mysterious sword that appeared in our latest battle.
“I have something else to show you first,” he took my hand. “We have a bit of a hike.”
“Ok,” I smiled and swung our arms as we walked. “I feel like I could climb a mountain and still have some energy leftover.”
When we got to the surface I realized that he had taken me seriously. The mountain, which sat in the middle of the island, rose above us. Winding upward was a small trail that looked relatively unused. Brush and bramble grew over the trail in areas, making it difficult to traverse. After a few miles we slowed and Alexandar put a finger to his lips. He moved forward and pulled aside some branches that had obscured the view ahead. I moved in closer to get a better view and was nearly blinded by the sun gleaming off the water.
Past the branches was a hidden lake surrounded by trees. Maple dominated the area with Pine dotted throughout. The air within this little alcove was still. A fine mist seemed to hang in the air and hovered over the water. I wanted to move into the clearing but Alexandar held me back. I looked at him and he pulled me down into a crouching position, then leaned in and whispered in my ear. His warm breath on my neck gave