by DOMINO
99 to Nowhere
DOMINO
T o the weary and the lost. Seek comfort in Hope and Faith, with that, you can move mountains.
DOMINO
*The important thing is not that we can live on hope alone, but that life is not worth living without it*
Harvey Milk
O ne
I was running at top speed to get away, I didn't care where I went, as long as it was far away from them. Tears' streaming down my cheeks, the world was blurry, as I ran into people walking past me to get out of the cold. I wiped my runny nose with the back of my mitten after I stopped at the red light. I stared into the crowd of people that were laughing and cheering once the towns Christmas tree lit up the night and wished my life were as simple as theirs were.
"Excuse me, I'm sorry," I barely whispered as I backed into a few college students that were busy drinking beer and talking loudly to each other.
"Watch where you're going!" One of them yelled. He held up his spilled beer in the air and began to curse loudly to his friends.
"I'm sorry—" I grimaced with embarrassment.
Once the light turned green, I ran across the street, tugging nervously at my thin black jacket to stay warm. Everything I owned was in a backpack that my frozen fingers clung to tightly. The flurry of snow that was blowing, made me pull my thick knit cap down on my forehead further to keep warm, it was the only thing the Johnson's gave me that was worth keeping. I turned down an alley and tried to catch my breath and caught sight of an elderly couple walking past. They were huddled closely to each other to keep warm. I tried to wipe the dirt and tears off my face before I stepped out of the alley and approached them.
"Excuse me—sir, ma’am, can you spare some change? So I can get something to eat or—"
"No—" The elderly man retorted before I could finish. He frowned when he looked down at my worn jeans and jacket.
"Just some change, please—" I begged, holding out my holy mitten before me. I had no shame in asking for money or anything else I needed, I had nothing to lose. "Please, just some change will help?"
"Leave us alone—" He replied and brushed past me to cross the street.
I blew into my mittens and tried to warm my fingers. My shivering body sunk to the ground against the cold brick wall of the alley. I turned up the collar on my jacket when I heard more voices walking by. Begging was no longer an issue, or an option; I was past the point of being embarrassed. I stood to my feet and stepped out behind them.
"Excuse me, can you spare some change?" I asked, hoping they would be merciful. I had two dollars in my pocket. I was starving and thirsty. “Anything will help, please"
"For what, so you can go smoke it up or shoot it up or something? Screw off" One of the girls spat before they continued walking.
"Get a job!" Another yelled before they jogged off to the center of town.
I closed my eyes briefly, contemplating on saying a prayer, but knew I no longer believed in God. He never answered me before, so I knew tonight wouldn't be any different. I knew the two shelters were closed for the night and the one located in this part of town was probably full. I sighed and watched my breath float away with the cold wind and snow that began to increase with every minute. I knew I would freeze if I stayed out and looked around, desperate for someone to help me. I wanted to run back towards the town tree, but was afraid Mr. Johnson would see me and take me back. I threw my backpack over my shoulder and shoved my red mittens into my pockets. I walked up the street, begging strangers for money or food. I stopped a few blocks from the center of town and looked back at the large Christmas tree and the crowd that mingled around it, wishing I was able to do the same thing, but I had no reason to celebrate. I wiped my nose once more and stood alone under the light post. I could feel snowflakes melt into my cold cheeks before I sneezed loudly into the wind.
Cars were whizzing by and I stared out in a daze, wishing I were never born. I could hear my shoes, crushing the snow beneath them, before I stepped out into the street and closed my eyes. I knew what my mind was making my body do and I no longer cared. I heard car horns blare loudly in my ears and turned my body towards the oncoming headlights, I wanted it all to end.
TWO
"Are you insane?" A deep voice asked before I felt my body jerk backward. He was pulling me out of the street and back onto the sidewalk beside him; we fell recklessly into the snow. "You got a death wish or what?"
I began sobbing uncontrollably. "Why did you stop me?" I slammed my mittens onto the frozen concrete beneath me.
I looked up to a young boy rubbing his hands together and his dark brown eyes were narrowed at me with confusion. He stood to his feet and dusted off the dirty snow from his tattered jeans.
"You're gonna freeze if you stay there" He reached out to help me to my feet.
"Don't touch me!" I shouted. "I know what I'm doing" I studied him and shoved my hand in my pocket, gripping my small switchblade.
I had met many men before that said they wanted to help me, when all they really wanted to do was rape me or take what I had.
He held his black gloves in the air and shook his head. "I saw you running through town, who are you running from?" He asked and looked around.
"This life—" I spat and studied him. I could see his black hair peeking out from his gray hat and he had a backpack strapped on.
"I understand" He smiled.
"I don't need your help" I studied him suspiciously and stepped aside before another group of college students ran by us. I adjusted my jacket and picked up my bag.
"I didn't say you did" He replied dryly. "The priest over on the next block lets kids like us sleep there. I'm sure he wouldn't mind if you came, it's just me and some others in there—"
"No thanks" I interrupted. I turned to walk away, leaving him alone under the streetlight. "I don't need you or a stinking priest to help me" I mumbled as I stomped across the frozen snow of the sidewalk. "Screw everyone and the world"
"It's the chapel on 99, just up the next block!" He yelled behind me.
I held up my red mitten and waved him off. I kept walking; I didn't trust anyone, especially men.
"He has hot soup! It's on 99! The chapel—dude!"
I picked up the pace so I didn't hear him yelling anymore, but I kept a lookout for Mr. Johnson. I knew he didn't want to go back home without me, and the thought of sleeping one more night in his house, made me sick to my stomach. Bastard. I frowned and stood at the bus stop, knowing I didn't have enough money to ride, but hoped the driver would still let me on. I waited fifteen minutes for the next bus to pull up and got on.
"How much?" I asked with exhaustion.
"Where you going?" The driver asked gruffly after he looked me over.
"Ummm—" I looked around and let the warmth of the bus try to thaw me out.
"Come on man, I got a schedule to keep—" He huffed and scratched his large belly. His thick eyebrows were stitched with irritation.
"How much to the other side of town?"
"$3.50" He sighed and gripped the steering wheel anxiously.
"I, I only have two dollars—" I replied sheepishly.
"Sorry, can't let you ride—" He knew what I was going to ask. He shook his head and motioned for me to get off the bus steps.
"I promise I'll pay you back when I get the money—" I pleaded; my hand gripped the stainless steel handle of the steps.
"No can do, sorry" He shook his head and nodded for me to get off.
I glanced at the frustrated faces sitting on the bus before I stepped off and watched the bus disappear into the flurry of snow behind it.
Dammit.
I shoved my hands into my pockets and ran up the street. The streets of Millington were ruthless this time of year, cold weathe
r, wind, and rain, accompanied by freezing snow, it made life miserable for the homeless. The state of Illinois wasn't exactly my dream state, but it's where I was for now.
"Watch where you're going!" A businessman shouted, startling me back to my senses when he walked by with a frown.
"Sorry" I mumbled before I wandered across the bridge to the park.
I glanced down at the lake the bridge crossed over. There were no waves or ripples in it. It was nearly frozen.
There were several others, huddled together on park benches, trying to stay warm when I walked by. Several acknowledged me, a secret language shared between our eyes, each knowing we were homeless. I noticed an empty tree and walked under it to rest for the night, pulling my dark blue blanket from my backpack; I wrapped it around me and checked my surroundings. I had been taken by surprise several times before by homeless men that wanted to rob me or even rape me, so I stole a switchblade from a pawnshop a few months before and never slept without it. I covered my face with the collar of my coat, so only my eyes were visible and looked around.
I could see the clock tower that stood high over the small city and wished I could stop it and everything underneath. The steeple of the chapel on 99th loomed out over the city, much taller than the clock tower, and the thought of hot soup sounded really good, but I hated relying on strangers. I wiped my runny nose on the blanket and pulled my knees up to my chest for warmth when I noticed two cops sweeping. The homeless call it sweeping trash, because they come through to make sure we aren't loitering in the towns so called, precious, park. I tried to remain still, hoping all of the black I had on would make me blend into the darkness, but it didn't help, I noticed one of them pointing in my direction.
"Hey, you can't stay here. You gotta go!" One of them yelled, but I didn't move. "I said you gotta get out of here!" I sighed deeply and closed my eyes, hoping he would disappear. "Hey, did you hear me? You gotta go!" He yelled again and began trudging toward me through the snow.
I got up quickly and stuffed my blanket into my backpack to let him know I heard him. The last thing I needed was to be arrested for loitering and be put right back into the system again. I kept my head down as I ran past him and back up the street, not sure where I would go. I picked up my pace, trying to keep my body moving so I would stay warm. I peered in the windows of local restaurants, I was starving, and my stomach growled loudly to remind me.
"The thought of hot soup sounds really good right now Maxx" I whispered before I walked in the back of a restaurant to go through the garbage bins.
I stopped short when I saw a few waiters smoking cigarettes, so I turned back to the street. Looking up in the sky, I contemplated cursing God, until I noticed the chapel steeple, and before I knew it, I found my legs walking toward it. I didn't have any other choice.
THREE
There were lights coming from the inside once I got to the front of the chapel and stood outside the doors. I put my hand on the door and tried to pull it open, but it was locked.
He probably lied. I frowned and looked above me to see a large cross overhead.
"Where's your mercy now?" I scowled and jiggled the handle once more.
I turned and looked down the icy steps that led me to the door and jumped, startled, when the door opened. I had to control my footing so I didn’t slip on the ice; my mitten gripped the side rail tightly.
"Hey" said a tall dark haired boy. "You must be the one that Cleo told us about"
"I don't know a Cleo" I replied coolly and looked him over. He was short and stout and missing a front tooth, but his brown eyes seemed sincere.
He nodded and smiled again. "It's alright, come on in" He motioned. "You'll freeze out there, it's gonna be in the zeros tonight"
I hesitated and looked back at the snow that continued to fall. "What is this place?" I asked.
He looked around and then back at me. "It's a church man, come on" He motioned with his hand for me to come in, but I didn't move. "None of us trust anyone but ourselves, you aren't the only one" He sighed. "But when it comes to freezing or being warm with a full stomach, I think we can both agree that being warm and full are what we really want, even if it's without the happiness part. My name is Monroe by the way—"
I licked my chapped lips and nodded. He held his hand out to help me up the icy steps, but I declined and entered behind him. When I heard the doors lock loudly behind me, I felt I sealed my fate. I gripped my switchblade inside my coat pocket, prepared to slice him in two if he touched me. I looked around at the empty pews and smelled the fresh varnish on them. Another large cross hung low over the pulpit and I grimaced when I noticed the bibles set behind each pew.
"There is a room in the back that we're sleeping in. Father McDowell just brought us a large pot of soup so we better get in there" He was walking quickly to the back of the chapel.
I followed him at a distance and soaked in the warmth of the chapel that began to thaw out my frozen fingers. There were two other boys sitting at a table and whispering to each other when I walked in. They quickly stopped once they noticed me. I hated being the center of attention, and standing in front of them made me more nervous.
"Hey, you came" The young boy that pulled me from oncoming cars stood up. "Here, I'll fix you a bowl" He grabbed the ladle out of the large pot.
I watched him fill up a bowl with thick beef soup and my mouth immediately began to salivate.
"That's Cleo" Monroe confirmed. He took a seat next to another boy that narrowed his green eyes at me.
I noticed his devious smile and didn't trust him immediately. His dark brown hair escaped from beneath his black knit cap, it tickled his shoulders while his deep dimples played mischievously on his cheeks. I couldn't tell if he was smiling or laughing at me.
I nodded and gripped my backpack on my shoulders. I planned on eating and leaving as soon as I was done.
"You can have a seat right over there" Monroe pointed to the chair next to the boy with deep dimples. "Father McDowell just comes in to feed us; you can meet him in the morning"
"I won't be here that long" I replied and sat down, staring into my bowl of hot beef soup. I was so hungry; I felt I could even eat the steam.
"Think you'll need one of these" The boy with deep dimples handed me a spoon. "My name is Rio by the way"
"Thanks" I whispered. I took it from him before I put it in the bowl and began to stir slowly.
"Where you from?" he asked after Cleo began slurping up his soup.
I glanced up at Cleo with disdain. I hated people that smacked while they ate.
"Everywhere" I mumbled and blew into my bowl to cool it off.
"Aren't we all" Monroe agreed and ripped apart a piece of bread to dunk in his soup. "You in the system? You look pretty young"
"I'm sixteen. I'll be seventeen next week" I answered and put a spoonful of soup in my mouth. The warmth of it sliding down my throat was unforgettable. I hadn't been that hungry in months.
"Well, happy pre birthday or whatever" Cleo said wiping his lips with the back of his hand.
I nodded and put another spoonful of soup in my mouth, I didn't want to talk.
"I'm seventeen. Rio here is seventeen, close to eighteen, and Monroe will be eighteen real soon” Cleo glared at Monroe. “Lucky bastard, he'll be out of the system then—"
I didn't look up, but could tell Rio had his eyes on me.
"Cleo said he saw you running from someone, who was it? Your parents or what?" Monroe asked before he threw a large piece of bread into his mouth.
"I don't know" I replied, keeping my head down.
"I think you do" Rio chimed in, leaning in toward me with his elbows on the small wooden table. "Your boyfriend, your dad, your brother?" He stopped and chuckled. “Your pimp?"
I snapped my head up at him. "None of your business" I glared.
"Whoa" He laughed lightly. "Looks like we got a live one here"
I slammed my spoon down on the table and stood up to leave.
"
Hey, whoa, wait a minute—" He quickly grabbed my arm.
I spun around and pushed him hard in the chest. "Don't touch me!" I backed away and tripped on the leg of the chair. I fell onto my backside and scrambled to get to my feet.
He stood over me and held his hand out to help me up. "Sorry, just curious is all" Rio said with wide eyes.
"I don't need your help. I don't need anybody's help" I bit into my bottom lip before I stood to my feet.
"None of us do" Rio replied. He held his hands in the air as if I had him at gunpoint. "Just, please sit down and finish eating, alright?" He sat back down after he pulled up my chair.
I took a deep breath and sat back down. I lost my appetite, but knew that I needed to eat because I had no idea when I would get another chance. They were all silent as I finished my soup, but I could feel his green eyes on me each time I swallowed.