by Stacy Borel
I sighed. I was a horrible person. I cheated on my husband and confessed to my high school sweetheart that I wasn’t happy with my marriage. I wasn’t sure how I would move past this, and how—or if—I was going to tell Weston what happened. I just knew that getting away from Finley, and leaving that town with all those memories, was the only way to gain some perspective.
Another hour passed while my mind reeled, and before I knew it we were making our approach into Chicago. I decided not to tell West what happened. We were struggling enough as it was, and I didn’t want to add to our problems. I would continue on like nothing happened and that kiss was just a mere accident. Problem solved.
Yeah right.
If I thought that I could forget about that kiss and how it had made me feel, I was extremely delusional!
I must have been in some sort of daze because I couldn’t remember the journey from the airport to my driveway. All I knew was that I felt exhausted. It was still dark and I sat in my car, trying not to fall asleep before I made it into the house. I got out of the car, grabbed my bags and made my way inside. West was probably asleep so I tried to be as quiet as I could. I just wanted a good night’s rest and then I could go about life as if the reunion never happened. My cell had been going off with texts from the moment I turned it on at the airport. Most were from Harper, one was from my parents—probably checking to make sure I made it okay—and two were from a number I didn’t recognize. I wasn’t in the mood to read them. I let out a long sigh and shut off my phone, placing it on the entry way table. Everyone could wait until the morning when I felt better.
As I walked down the hall I heard a noise coming from my bedroom. I stopped and listened, but all I heard was silence. Just as I was about to take a step forward I heard it again. My heart began to beat a little faster. Oh my god, was that a woman? What was a woman doing in my bedroom at two in the morning? I stood motionless, convincing myself I was hearing things in my tired state. No sooner had the thought crossed my mind, a female giggle came from behind the closed door.
I crept towards my bedroom door and listened. That’s when I heard West’s voice; he was speaking to someone. They were words that a husband definitely shouldn’t be saying to a woman who wasn’t his wife. I didn’t want to see what was behind the door but I knew my eyes would confirm what I’d heard. Slowly turning the handle I cracked the door open a little at first, then pushed it the rest of the way. I didn’t know what to make of the scene before me. There in my bed was a very naked West with Julia, our interior designer. She was half lying on the bed, her elbows on the mattress and ass in the air. West was behind her, fucking her like the bitch that she was. I couldn’t move. This was not something that I could process. Neither one of them had noticed me yet. West’s hand came down hard on Julia’s ass, and she giggled again like some neurotic school girl. The slap startled me. She looked over her shoulder at him, “You like it real dirty, don’t you Weston? I’m not your fucking wife, so fuck me like you mean it!” She practically purred at him.
Seeing red I turned on the lights and both stopped mid-motion. “What the fuck is going on here?” I bit out. Neither of them said a word, but at least West had the decency to move away from Julia, pulling a sheet around his waist as he did. The silence was doing nothing but pissing me off even more. “I said, what the fuck is going on here… IN MY BED!?” I screamed.
West started to walk towards me but I held my hands up to let him know he better stay where he was. If he so much as touched me, I couldn’t guarantee I wouldn’t murder him there on the spot. I had no idea what to do, or say. I felt bile come up my throat and I knew I was close to throwing up. I willed it to stay down when West finally spoke.
“Emilyn, what are you doing home?” I was still standing in the doorway with the back of my hand over my mouth. I looked at him when he asked the question but couldn’t answer. Without waiting for me to respond, he continued. “Listen, this was just a one time thing. I called Julia to ask her about possibly redesigning the wine cellar and she told me that she could stop by this evening. I didn’t mean for this to happen.”
Wasn’t that what all cheating men said? ‘I didn’t mean for it to happen’ what a load of shit! Julia scoffed. I glanced over to see she was still lying in my bed. “West you might as well tell her everything. There’s no need for us to keep it quiet anymore. She’s seen us and we can finally be together.” She looked right at me while she spoke the words that I knew deep down were the truth. Somehow I knew that there was no way this was the first time they’d been together. West had been pulling away from me for quite a while. He’d spent a lot of late nights at his office and every time I would stop by to surprise him with lunch or just to see him, she was always there. I’d asked him about it and he always said she was redesigning another room in the office. I shouldn’t have been so naive. There were only so many rooms this woman could redecorate.
Her cold stare shook me from my silence. “You’ve been sleeping with her for at least two years now, haven’t you?” Shaking my head I turned away from her and looked at him, but he just stared at me. “You son of a bitch, we’ve been married for eight years West. How could you do this to me? To us?”
“Okay you know what? Fine!” he said throwing his hands up in the air. “I’m not happy Emilyn. I haven’t been happy for most of our marriage. I knew I needed a wife so the law firm here in Chicago would take me seriously. I needed them to see me as a family man that was dedicated and you fit the bill.” I stood there listening to him continue on, his words like ice numbing my soul. “You always seemed to just do whatever I wanted and it worked out perfectly for me. But give me a break Emilyn, you live in this multi-million dollar house, you can spend whatever you want, so don’t act like you’re unhappy.”
I watched his face closely. He couldn’t possibly be serious. “You think I’ve been happy? Do you even know me at all Weston? Your money means nothing to me?” My voice rose slightly with every word spoken. My body started to shake. I really felt like I was in some sort of alternate universe. This couldn’t be happening to me. “You’re standing there telling me that the entire eight years I’ve devoted to you, it has all been for show?” I didn’t give him time to answer before I asked the question that I knew would break me. “Did you ever love me West?”
Looking me right in the eye, he stated simply, “I suppose, for a short time. Or at least I thought I did.”
“Bastard.” The word was a whisper; barely audible. My life was crumbling around me and his stupid whore was still lying in my fucking bed! That was it for me. I turned and started to leave the bedroom. He followed after me as I walked into the living room and grabbed my rolling suitcase.
“Where are you going Emilyn? We need to talk about this.”
I gave a short mocking laugh, “No West, we don’t need to talk about anything. You seem to have made all the decisions in this marriage, and it’s apparent that that was all a big lie.” That’s when it occurred to me. I stopped in my tracks but kept my back to him. I had to ask him this final question, all the while knowing it was the blow that I would never recover from. “What about kids West? You said you wanted kids in the beginning and yet you kept pushing the idea away since we moved here to Chicago. Did you lie about that too?”
I heard him take a deep breath before he answered. “I want kids.” He thought about what he was about to say next. “I just don’t want them with you.” I leaned over and grasped the wall for support. “Emilyn, I think I’ve fallen in love with Julia. You had to have known at some point that this marriage wasn’t going to last. You were just a means to an end. I need a woman that can stand up for herself; someone with a backbone.”
Since I walked into this house and found the two of them, I hadn’t shed a tear. I didn’t know why, I just hadn’t. When the hateful words that came from both West and Julia were flung at me, I still couldn’t cry. But hearing that he had never wanted children with me caused them to prick my eyes. Having a family was something that
I had wanted since I was a little girl. We all dream of our future husband, house, and kids. Now the bottom had fallen out of my dreams, and I felt like I had nothing left. I squared my shoulders and stood tall. I wouldn’t show that to West, not now and not ever again! He would never have the satisfaction of seeing another emotion from me. I’d never hated anybody before. I’d strongly disliked some people, but in that moment I truly hated West. Any feelings of love I had for him were gone. It really felt that easy for me.
Taking slow and deliberate steps forward I said, “How’s this for a backbone… you and that bitch can have each other. You are a lying piece of shit that used me only to serve whatever purpose you needed. I won’t allow you to walk all over me West. I’m better than all of this and I’m better than you. I suggest you hire a good divorce attorney, because I have no doubt the judge will see right through you.” I’d never spoken to anyone that way before. I thought it would feel good to stick it to him, but I felt nothing.
Julia came walking through the hall in a skimpy little silk baby doll telling West, “Let her go. She’ll never get anything from us. Come back to bed baby.” She had reached for West’s hand.
Oh I was going to kill her! I started to move forward ready to throw the skinny little bitch to the ground, but she squealed and West pulled her behind him. I stopped my forward motion. I couldn’t do this. It wasn’t who I was, and definitely not who I wanted to be. I needed to leave before it got even uglier.
Turning on my heels I grabbed my suitcase, phone, and purse and made my way out the front door. I could vaguely hear West yelling out the door that I’d never get anything from him—along with other hurtful words about me being worthless—but I couldn’t absorb anything.
Getting in my car I only had one choice of where to go. I called the airport and booked a flight back home to Idaho and called Harper. I was sure an army would have struggled to prevent Harper from flying to Chicago and taking West out, but I think she was able to tell from my tone that I couldn’t handle any more drama and so she let me have that. I gave her my flight information and told her that I would be staying at a hotel until I was ready to fly out so I could get some sleep. She said she’d meet me at the airport and then rung off, but only after I’d promised call her before I left Chicago.
I booked myself in to a hotel right next to the airport and settled in to my room. There was no way I was going to sleep. I threw up as soon as I made it in to my room but managed to drag myself out of the bathroom before collapsing on the bed. Staring up at the ceiling, I tried to make sense of what had just happened. I knew I felt sad about the crumbling of my marriage, but deep down I knew I wasn’t as upset as I should have been. Rather than focusing on West and Julia, my mind kept wandering back to Finn and how I’d left him. I also thought about that baby that I was now thankful I’d never conceived with West. No child should ever come from a broken home. I started to second guess my ability as a potential mother. I questioned how I would ever make someone happy. I couldn’t hold on to Weston, and Finn had left me. Maybe I was destined to be alone. The two men that had held my heart had walked away from me and I wasn’t sure that I could recover from that. I rolled over unsure of how to move forward. I needed my best friend and my family. My heart needed to be around people that loved me unconditionally.
As I started to doze off, I remembered the text messages I’d received at the airport earlier. Grabbing my phone I clicked on them. The first was from a number I didn’t recognize.
Emilyn, pls txt me back and let me know you are okay.
What the heck? Who was this? I clicked on the next one.
Em, its Finn. I just want to know you made it home safely. Pls txt me back.
How did Finn get my number? Of course… Harper would’ve given it to him. I wondered what he’d had to do to get it out of her. I knew he’d probably text me again soon if I didn’t respond, but I didn’t want to talk about what happened. I text him back, hopefully holding him off.
I’m fine. Home safely. Thanks for checking. Tired. Goodnight.
The response was immediate, and I wondered if he’d been waiting on my text.
Wait, can we talk?
Finn, I’m really tired. There’s nothing to talk about. Pls let’s forget what happened.
Fine. You can go to sleep. But this conversation isn’t over Em. We have a lot to talk about. Goodnight sweet dreams. X
As if I didn’t have enough to think about. What did ‘x’ mean? Did he do that at the end of all his texts? And what’s more, Finn wanted to discuss what had happened between us tonight. Or was it last night? It was so early in the morning, I didn’t know. Time had blurred together and I really needed to get some rest. Lying in the hotel bed for over an hour, the early morning light seeped through the heavy curtains before exhaustion finally overtook me.
It’d been two weeks since I had left Chicago—and my cheating husband—behind. Harper met me at the airport like she said she would, and she took me home with her. I didn’t want to go to my parents’ house. I knew that they loved me and I would have been more than welcome to live with them again, but nothing screamed failure to me more than getting a divorce and moving back in with Mom and Dad at twenty-eight. My mother begged me to come and stay with her, but after some convincing—and my Dad talking to her—she understood that I just needed some time and Harper was an excellent support for me. Finn continued to text me and even called a few times. I cleared the calls and sent him short texts back to try to keep him at bay. I still wasn’t ready to hash out what had happened between us, nor did I want to tell him about my failed marriage. But I didn’t know how much longer he was going to let me push him away before demanding answers, or going to Harper.
A week after I’d arrived back home, there’d been a knock on the door and Harper had answered. She called me over because there was a cop asking for me. Apparently my soon-to-be-ex-husband couldn’t wait to be rid of me and had gone ahead and filed divorce papers. I was being served. Once the shock wore off I realized I needed to do something to keep myself busy, and I needed to start putting my life back together. I needed a job and eventually a place of my own. Harper insisted that she loved having me around—I enjoyed being there too—but I didn’t want to overstay my welcome. We may have been best friends but we weren’t college kids anymore. We were older now and had our quirks. I’d been helping her out around the house by cleaning and making dinner for when she got home in the evenings.
A few days after being served, I went out and hired a lawyer that my Dad had suggested. Because West filed in Chicago, we had to abide by Illinois state law. Fortunately the lawyer that I hired had passed his bar in that state so I felt confident in his abilities. Harper thought I should take West for everything that I could. Part of me really did want to take him to the cleaners for lying to me for so many years, but I couldn’t help but feel like maybe I’d deserved what happened to me. I lost myself at some point during my marriage. I didn’t think I’d ever fully given myself to West. After Finn, I’d closed my heart, scared to feel any semblance of real love. I’d known that I would never survive another heart break like that and so I guess that made me selfish; for never fully investing in my marriage. Part of me thought that maybe West was right to leave me. I couldn’t forgive him for stringing me along for eight years, or for cheating on me. He should have let me go before he decided that he wanted to be with Julia. I’d despised that woman from the moment I met her. Oh well, they deserved each other. Julia could have him and his money. I didn’t want anything from him, except to erase him from my life. Fortunately West’s connections meant that the divorce would likely be over and done with fairly quickly.
“Hey, so what are your plans for today?” Harper asked me while fixing herself a cup of coffee.
“I have an interview at the coffee shop in town, and then I’m going to the doctor’s office for some testing.”
“What kind of testing?”
I was sitting at the table in the kitchen and let out a l
ong yawn. “The STD kind of testing. After catching West with Julia, I have no way of knowing if he’s been with anyone else.”
Harper put a lid on her coffee cup, and gave me a sympathetic look. “Well when you get an answer, give me a call. I’m worried about you. Oh and good luck on your interview. I still don’t know why you’re getting a job when you don’t need one. Just suck the bastard dry.” I heard her grab her keys and open the front door. “I’ll be home around six.”
“Bye” I yawned again.
I had a few hours before my interview so I decided to bide my time and take a nice long hot bath. I grabbed my favorite romance novel, ran some steamy hot water, piled all my hair on top of my head and slid in the tub. I pressed play on my iPod and ‘Innocence’ by Avril Lavigne floated out of the speakers. As I allowed my body to relax, my mind drifted to Finn. A few days after I had moved in to Harper’s place, she’d told me that Finn had headed back to LA the day after the reunion. She’d wanted to speak to him about why I’d left so abruptly, but when I’d called her that night and told her about catching West in bed with Julia, she decided to let it go. I’d told her everything about what happened leading up to the kiss, and what I saw when I got to Chicago. She cried right along with me while I poured my emotions out. She’d asked me a few times since then if I’d thought about calling Finn to tell him what happened with West. Honestly I had, but what would I say to him? That I hadn’t completely given myself to my husband because I was still hung up on him? That I’d failed in my marriage and no one wanted me? That I couldn’t stop thinking about that kiss and how it woke up something in me that had been long buried? That I missed him?