by Stacy Borel
“Fine.” And just like that, she gave in to him.
“What? Em, no. He doesn’t get to come in here demanding that you sign papers. He’s treating you like a court case. You just lost your baby!” I felt myself getting more and more frustrated at her lack of emotion.
“Isn’t that what this is? I lost the baby, and he’s doing what he feels is necessary.” She said.
“Jesus Emilyn, snap out of it! You’re acting like you don’t even care.”
“Finn…” Harper scolded.
I turned to look at her and she shook her head, silently telling me to drop it. Christ, I needed to hit something.
“Look, I don’t have all day, so if you could sign where I put the tabs I can leave.” West pulled out a small folder of papers from a briefcase I hadn’t noticed he had been carrying.
Ah, that’s just what I was looking for. I cocked my fist and brought it forward with the full force of my body. My knuckles normally would be aching after hitting something that hard but the anger-fueled adrenaline coursing through me was had made me numb. I was sure I’d feel it later though. West on the other hand, he’d be feeling my fist for at least a week. He fell backwards and slammed into the wall. I darted forward and was about to straddle him and continue my assault when a strong arm locked around my shoulders and pulled me back. Ky was using everything he had to hold me in place. I was vaguely aware of the commotion going on behind me, but I was focused on the now cowering prick in front of me.
“Finn, man stop! Relax dude.” Ky was speaking lowly close to my ear.
“You son of a bitch. I’m going to sue your sorry ass for this!” West struggled to get to his feet. He spat blood on the ground and wiped his face with the back of his hand.
“I suggest you leave before you get it even worse than you’ve already had it dickhead.” I had half a mind to choke him. “Send the fucking papers to her lawyer. Now get… the fuck… OUT.”
“This isn’t the last you’ll hear from me. I hope you have damn good representation.” West glared at me and turned to walk out the door.
Before he was fully out in the hall he called over his shoulder, “Julia will be glad that this whole mess is over and done with. I’ll be sure to tell her you said hi Emilyn.” With that he walked away.
Kyler had to catch Harper around the waist because she was on her way out the door, likely to kill the bastard. I watched Em as those hateful words were said. She flinched, but quickly regained her composure.
“I want you all to leave.” Em spoke quietly.
Harper sighed and walked to the bed. She leaned down to hug her and said something in her ear. Em nodded. Ky took a hold of Harper’s hand and led her out of the room.
“You too Finn.”
“Talk to me Tiny Girl. What is going on in your head right now?”
For a second she looked as though she was about to say something to me but, as quickly as the look appeared, it was gone.
She shook her head, “I’m just tired right now. This was all too much.”
And she did look tired. I wanted nothing more than to take her home and tuck her up in bed—in our bed—and hold her tight to me.
I walked over and sat down next to her. I debated whether or not to take her hand, but thought better of it. I would just be happy with her allowing me to sit next to her, since I hadn’t even been allowed in the room for two days.
“Do you want to talk about what just happened?”
“I don’t think there is anything to talk about.”
“Em, you have to feel something about what West just said to you. You’re acting as if…” She interrupted me.
“I’m acting as if what?”
“As if you don’t care. Like none of this matters. I know you have to be feeling something about this Tiny Girl. Nobody just loses their baby and then doesn’t feel anything. Please, just talk to me.”
Fuck it.
I grabbed her hand and held it tight. I had no idea what to do about this situation, other than to plead with her. Nobody could just shut off their feelings.
“I do care Finn.” She took a deep shaky breath. “It care so much that I feel like I can’t breathe.” I was about to say something, when she continued. “This wasn’t supposed to be my life. You know? No little girl grows up predicting something like this will happen to her. I never wanted to get married to a man that would speak to me the way that Weston just did. I never wanted to get pregnant and then lose my baby. I just keep sitting here playing it out in my head, trying to figure out where it all went wrong. You want to know where I keep coming back to? You Finn. I keep coming back to you. I was happy when I was with you. My life was going exactly where I wanted it to. But then you left me.” She looked down at our joined hands and then released me. “My life has gone to shit since you left. And you know what? It’s still shit with you in it. If you’d stayed with me, I would have never met West. If you would have stayed with me, I would have never gotten pregnant.”
She was ripping me in two, and I sat there taking it all because I knew I deserved it. She was finally letting me have it all.
“I blame you Finn. None of this would be happening to me if it weren’t for you.”
And there it was. She had gutted me. The sad thing was that it was the truth. Everything she’d just said was exactly what I had felt since I set eyes on her at the reunion. Everything that had happened with Val and West was just the icing on the shitty cake called her life.
“I’ll never be able to tell you just how sorry I am because sorry will never be enough. I know it may not seem like it right now, but we will get through this together. I told you before that I’ll hold you together for as long as it takes. Just stay with me. Let me be with you Tiny Girl. I love you.”
She wiped a stray tear from her cheek.
“I can’t Finn. I want to, but I just can’t.”
As much as I wanted to sit here and push her, I knew without a shadow of a doubt she was done. It didn’t mean that I was giving up on her—on us—but it meant that I needed to give her time. She was retreating into herself to protect her heart. This façade she was showing was one she needed for healing. And I loved her that much that I’d let her have that.
“Okay. Well could you do me a favor?” My emotions were bubbling to the surface. “Call me when you are being released. I’ll come and pick you up.”
“Harper’s coming to get me. I think I’m going to stay at her place for a while.”
“Em you don’t have to do that. I’ll stay out of your way. I promise you won’t even see me.”
“I think it’s for the best Finn.” She made eye contact and the beautiful blue was marred with sadness.
The conversation was done. She was saying she couldn’t live with me and she needed space. Living in that house by myself was going to be unbearable. But I wouldn’t give up on her. She was my life and I wanted to be with her forever. We would get through this, even if I had to help from a distance.
I lay in my bed at Harper’s house trying to think of something to do other than laying here. It’d been eight weeks since my son died. I felt much of the same hollowness in my heart that I’d felt throughout my life. In a sense, it was like saying hello again to an old friend. It wasn’t that I took comfort in feeling low, but that I knew how to cope with it. I’d lived with sorrow for so long that I almost didn’t know what normal felt like. I’d had brief periods of happiness while I was pregnant and I was living with Finn, but that was over—on both accounts.
While I lay thinking, Harper came in to my room and sat on the end of the bed.
“So what are the plans for the day? Toilet papering the old hag down the street’s house? We could graffiti one of the old train cars? Or maybe just the usual hate and discontent?”
I let out a small laugh. “What did the old lady down the road do to you to elicit a toilet papering?”
“She’s always staring at me with her stupid little squinty face when I drive by. She’s judging me, I can tell
.”
“She’s not squinting at you, those are her wrinkles.”
Harper rolled her eyes. “Well, she needs to get a face lift then. She looks like she’s pissed off all the time.”
I laughed a bit harder. “You need help.”
“Whatevs.”
Harper smiled and shook her head before she turned serious. “So really, what are your plans today?”
“Do you have to work?” I asked her.
“Until three, but then I’m free.”
“Are you and Ky doing anything today?”
“Nope. He and Finn are going to his parents’ house for dinner. He asked if I wanted to go, but I think the whole ‘meeting the parents’ thing is a bunch of crap. We aren’t ready for that.”
“But you already know his parents.” I pointed out the obvious.
She looked at me like I’d grown a second head. “It’s different now Em. I’ve not been around them since I started dating him.”
Apparently Harper and Ky had been sneaking around since I moved in with Finn. But they hadn’t said anything until that day in the hospital when Ky announced his claim on her. As stupid as it was to me, it sort of melted her crazy heart. He came over in the evenings and would often stay the night. They both tried really hard not to show any sort of affection in front of me—not that I minded—but I think they thought I wouldn’t be able to handle seeing them holding hands or kissing. I was fine. They both deserved happiness, and I didn’t know two people that fit better than them.
“If you say so. I think I’m just going to stick around here.” I looked over at the clock by the bed. It was already eleven in the morning.
“How about I grab some Chinese food and we can have a Will Ferrell movie marathon and repeat stupid quotes all night.” She smiled at me.
“You got it Ricky Bobby! I guess I better get dressed for my date.”
Laughing, Harper got up from the bed and left my room.
It’d been getting easier to put on a happy front around the people that mattered. I saw no reason to drag Harper or my parents under my dark cloud. I behaved the way that I knew would make them more comfortable around me, but behind closed doors it was a different story. I was ready to find something new. In the many hours that I stayed in my room in the quiet, I’d thought about what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. Nothing would change what happened, and that was precisely why I’d made the decision to leave Mountain Home.
I got up, grabbed some clothes out of my dresser and took a shower. Standing in front of the mirror with a towel wrapped around me, a thought hit me. If I was leaving, I’d need to get my things from Finn’s house. I didn’t have much, but I’d left my clothes and some pieces of jewelry that I wanted back. As it happened, today would be the perfect opportunity to do just that. Harper was at work and Ky was at his parents’ house; as was Finn. I could be in and out in thirty minutes and I wouldn’t have to see anybody. I decided I would wait until just before Harper was due home since I wanted to make certain that Finn was at Kyler’s house.
Time seemed to tick by slowly. I paced the house at least two dozen times, cleaned the bathrooms, and baked a batch of chocolate chip cookies. Looking at the clock I saw that it was almost two. If I left now I could get there, pack a box or two and be back before Harper even got home. I grabbed my keys and walked out the door.
Ten minutes later I pulled into Finn’s driveway. I didn’t see his car anywhere. He wasn’t here. I got out of the car and used my key to unlock the front door. Emotions I’d suppressed began to bubble to the surface, but I quickly beat them back before they had opportunity to root themselves. Looking around the living room, everything appeared the same. Taking a deep breath, I reminded myself that I needed to get moving. Taking two boxes that I had brought in with me down the hallway, I walked into the master bedroom that had so recently been mine. I was shocked by what I saw.
Everything was the same.
The bed was unmade, exactly the way it had been the last time I was there. The dress that I’d worn—and haphazardly thrown on a chair in the corner of the room--hadn’t been moved. I slowly made my way into the bathroom and found the same thing. My toothpaste was on the counter with the cap off, my toothbrush next to it, and a towel lay in a heap on the floor.
Why had he left it like this? It had been at least two months since I was last here and yet it looked like I’d been there that morning. Any normal person would have come in here to clean the mess. In fact, I’d half expected to see my stuff already boxed up, and his stuff in its place. That was certainly not what I saw now. Snapping out of it, I reminded myself that it didn’t matter anymore. I’d box up as many of my things as I could and ask Harper to come get the rest. I was trying my hardest to not to feel, but it was becoming increasingly hard the longer I was in his space. Remembering what Finn and I had shared in this very room; the conversations, the physical contact… I knew I had to be quick; in and out before my emotions got the better of me.
I’d went as quickly as I could—rushing around the room, not even bothering to fold the clothes that I’d found in the laundry basket before I put them in the boxes. When I’d grabbed the last of my jewelry I closed the boxes, pushing the ends together and tucking one of the ends under the other to keep them from popping open. I really should’ve brought some tape. Oh well, I made do. Another glance at the clock had my heart racing. I’d taken much longer than I had planned and it was now ten to three. Harper would be home soon. She would be there before me so I needed to come up with story about where I’d been. I decided to say that I’d been to Beans to talk to Rose about returning to work; despite the fact that I had no intention of going back. In fact I’d already broken the news to my boss the week before. She understood my need to get away, and she said that I would always have a job there if I needed it.
I took one last look around to make sure I hadn’t missed anything that I couldn’t live without, before making my way out of the room with my box in my arms. The other was already on the couch waiting to be put in my car. I walked towards the front door but before I reached it, it was thrown open and a soaking wet Finn stood in front of me, shoulders heaving, hair dripping, and blue eyes that looked ferocious. What was he doing here? Better question, when the hell did it start raining? It was a shock to my system to see him again. I’d successfully managed to avoid him for the past two months and seeing him now—looking the way that he did—I almost faltered with my need to touch him and be near him again.
Finn’s wild eyes noticed the box in my hands and then the box on the couch. He turned back towards me with narrowed eyes, “What are you doing Emilyn?”
“I thought it was time I came and got some of my things. I don’t want to keep taking up space at your house. Plus I’ve missed wearing my grandmothers pearl earrings.” Excuses, excuses Emilyn.
“This isn’t just my house. I’ve told you before, it’s our house. So why are you packing?”
“Finn, I don’t live here anymore and you know it.”
The intensity in his eyes jumped a notch. “Yes, you do.”
Jesus, I didn’t come here to argue with him. He loomed over me as I walked forward and moved passed him. Making my way out the door I was immediately met by freezing rain. It was literally coming down in sheets. Not even three seconds outside and I was soaked.
Great!
Reaching my car I opened the back door and slid the box across the seat. I would be pissed if any of my silk shirts got wet. One box down, one more to go. Turning around I ran right into a solid wall of muscle. I started to stumble backwards but Finn caught me by my arms. The contact sent a jolt of electricity through my body, and a shock to my empty heart.
“Stop this.” He spoke loudly over the rain.
I was blinking rapidly while I looked up at him. The rain was pelting my cheeks and it stung. I welcomed the sensation.
“Stop what? Stop moving forward?”
“No! Stop pushing me away. Packing up your things isn’t going to
make me go away. I’m here Em.” He released one of my arms and placed his large hand on my chest over my heart.
Now I was pissed. Using my full body weight I shoved against him. He barely moved. I started to grumble under my breath about damn men being too big and being stronger than me. He didn’t find it amusing, he just followed behind me.
“You’re not leaving Em.”
I swung myself around pinning him with my eyes.
“You don’t have a say in what I do Finley Morgan so back the fuck off!” I yelled.
“The hell I don’t! I told you, you are mine. Every single part of you. There is no walking away from us. And there is an ‘us’!” He yelled back.
“You’re delusional!”
He barked out a short bitter laugh. “No Tiny Girl, you’re just not seeing what’s in front of you.”
Just as I was about to say something back he lunged forward, grasping the sides of my face and bringing his mouth down on mine in a crushing kiss that took my breath away. There was no polite preamble to this kiss; it was all lips and tongues. He pushed his tongue deep in my mouth and I sucked it before I pulled back and bit down on his lip. He growled at me. The cold rain was pouring down on us but it felt good on my overheated skin. Without me realizing, Finn walked me backwards until I felt hard brick at my back scratching through my shirt. He pressed his hard body against the length of me and I could feel his arousal on my stomach. My hands were tangled in his hair and I pulled it hard, bringing him even closer to me. Letting go of my face and reaching down, Finn grabbed the back of my legs by my ass and hauled me up. I wrapped my legs around his waist and ground myself against him.
“Inside, now!” I said against his mouth.
The last thing I needed was the neighborhood to see what we were doing. He pulled me away from the wall and walked with me still wrapped around him. We continued to kiss as he made his way to the door. Fumbling with the handle, he got it open and walked us inside, using his foot to kick it shut behind us. My back found another wall and Finn pushed against me in the most delicious way.