by Ann Stewart
“You would have found out a lot sooner if you didn’t fucking cut me from your life like I meant nothing.” I shake my head. The way he describes it sullies what we had. He’s acting as if I frivolously came up with this solution. He doesn’t know I did it for him. I can only hope that one day I’ll be able to explain. Regardless though, now is neither the time, nor the place, to have this discussion.
“I came to make sure she was okay, but I’ll leave if you want me to. I don’t want to argue with you.” I wait for a response, hoping beyond hope that he doesn’t kick me out. I know she isn’t coherent, but I didn’t get to say goodbye. When no words are spoken, I err on my continuously bad judgment, and keep speaking. “When did you get into town?”
“So you’re saying if you knew I was here then you wouldn’t have come, huh? Well thank you for gracing us with your presence, your majesty.” Alex’s statements are cruel and each word causes me to recoil. I know he’s speaking out of anger, but it doesn’t make it any easier to stomach the venom he’s spewing. “I’ve been back since Monday. I hopped on a plane the moment I found out about her. That’s what you do when you love people, Elyssa. I know that might be farfetched for someone like you, but…”
”Someone like me?” I’m deathly afraid of flying and I got on a damn plane for HIM. He’s the first man I ever loved and I walked away to protect HIM. I’ve been struggling to stay and yet I’m here with his grandmother because I love HIM. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It’s ironic that your last name is Hart. I mean, someone as heartless and cold as you are…it’s kind of an oxymoron.”
“You know what…I’m not going to sit here and take this.” My voice is slightly elevated as I try to bridle my own anger. I know he’s hurting and I’m trying to be understanding, but I can only be attacked for so long before I start fighting back. “You’ve been back since Monday and you’re talking to me about love? Did you even attempt to let me know?”
“Are you fucking serious? Why? So you could try to avoid me even more? You know what…fuck this!” Alex runs his hands through his hair, resting his hands on the back of his neck. “I’m sorry that in the middle of my grandmother being in the hospital that I didn’t send you a quick text to let you know I was back in town. How selfish of me.”
“I didn’t mean it like that.”
“No, you’re right! Now I can completely see why you broke up with me and cut me out of your life. I’m a fucking bastard for not thinking of you before everything else I have going on. I am so sorry for wasting your time when I thought it was you who was the cruel bitch who broke my heart. No…this entire time it was me! I’m such a selfish mother fucker.”
“I’m done.” I shake my head as I grab my purse and try to leave. “I’m not talking to a psycho right now. When you can talk to me like a human being and not insult me every two seconds…”
“What the fuck did you expect when you left me in New York? No! Fuck that! What did you expect after you ignored my calls for weeks before that?” Alex stands in my way as I try to walk past him. Standing near him is almost unbearable, I just want to wrap my arms around him and apologize for every stupid thing I’ve done. “Answer me!” his voice reverberates against the walls.
“Stop yelling at me.” My eyes brim with tears, my lips quiver, while I try to hold back the sobs. “Please stop, Alex.”
“Don’t start the waterworks now. Where were your tears for me…for us? Where was your sympathy when I made a fool out of myself chasing after you? Where was your fucking heart then?!” In a moment of sheer rage Alex grabs the vase of flowers next to him and throws it against the wall. A loud shatter is heard, allowing the scream to bubble out of my throat as I rush past him.
I don’t know where I’m going. All I know is that I need to get away from him. I knew he would be angry. I knew I hurt him more than I could ever imagine and even if I could tell him, I doubt he would ever understand the motives behind my decisions. I knew he would end up hating me for what I’ve done, but never in a million years would I have imagined him being so callous. Indifferent, yes, but callous, definitely not. He’s turned into a monster.
The echo of my steps is all I can focus on while I frantically push past each double door, desperately searching for the stairs. Three flights doesn’t seem as strenuous when you’re using them as an escape route. I’m out of breath and sobbing hysterically the moment I run through the main entrance doors. I’m halfway down the sidewalk when arms suddenly engulf me, cradling me against his muscular body; my back against his front. Right away I know it’s him. I would recognize that scent anywhere; citrus, spice and Alex.
When my traitorous body momentarily relaxes against his chest, I immediately tense recalling our moments before. “Don’t you fucking touch me!” I spinelessly try to pry his arms away, but with a firm grip, I have no chance. Luckily, we’re alone outside. I can imagine the spectacle we’re making, but for the life of me, I don’t have an ounce left in me to care.
When I feel his lips move against my temple, a sob erupts that’s so violent my legs give out as it wracks my body. I can’t help it, it consumes me.
“Elyssa, I wasn’t going to hurt you. I could never hurt you.” His voice is calm, disdain completely vanished from his tone.
I know he would never hurt me. My escape wasn’t out of fear, it was out of desperation. Desperation to get out of the room, desperation to leave a situation I had no answers for. Alex came at me with a slew of questions I couldn’t explain. Not right now. Flight or fight? I chose flight.
“I’m sorry, Alex. I’m so sorry.”
“I’m just so fucking miserable. I don’t know what I did to make you hate me so much.”
I’m completely destroyed by his words.
I’m unable to speak when I turn around. Clinging onto his forearm, Alex allows the silence and with a simple nod grants me permission to cry into his shoulder. Within minutes, Alex pulls me away from his hard body, lifts my chin and pushes aside the tears running down my cheeks.
“I don’t hate you, Alex. I could never hate you. Right now, it’s just not our time. You know this, just as much as I do.” I hate that there are no truer words. I hate that I have no control right now over my own life, my own decisions.
“Why does it always feel like you’re talking out of fear instead of what you want?”
“I don’t even know what I want anymore,” I whisper. Of course I want him, I just don’t want the repercussions of us being together.
“So, you’re saying you don’t even want me anymore?”
“It’s never been that I didn’t want you. Since the moment we met, it’s been pretty obvious what I want.” Doesn’t he get it? I know I haven’t given him anything to hope for, but I wish he could be more patient. I’m working towards getting a new job, trying to get out of an uncontrollable situation. For us.
“Life’s too short to not say what we’re feeling; my grandmother is a prime example of that. So, regardless of how pissed I am at you right now,” Alex sighs, “I love you. You know that, right?” I close my eyes as the tears relentlessly cascade down my cheeks. I know he still loves me, what he doesn’t understand is that I still love him.
“I love you, too,” I sigh, “But, I don’t want to hurt you.” I clutch his bicep, fighting the urge to say everything that I want to. I want to tell him that in his arms has been the first place I’ve felt safe in such an immeasurable length of time. I want to tell him that regardless of his past, it’s the future that I’m terrified of.
But I don’t, because I can’t.
“You already are,” he whispers in a strained voice.
“Then let me go.” I choke on the words as they leave my lips. I don’t want him to let me go. I want to live in his kisses and die in his embrace. So I let Alex hold me, but eventually his arms loosen. He places a kiss on the crown of my head while his arms drop to his sides.
I adjust my dress and solemnly walk away from him once again. I can’t look back.
If I do, I don’t think I’ll be able to stay away.
CHAPTER 2
Friday, November 16, 2012
While I know parking in “unchartered territory,” as Janice likes to call it, is probably not the smartest move, I like it. My unofficial-official assigned parking space is tucked away between the second and third floor of the garage, away from lurking V.P.’s and late night discussions between colleagues.
The problem with my self-declared parking space is that the word rape zone is practically painted in bold letters, the darkness threatening to take over the dimly lit lights. With my newly acquired single status, it might be a while before someone notices if something were to happen to me. Regardless, I still park here and probably always will.
Resigned to letting my fate be all it can be, I check my makeup in the fold down mirror. I went minimal since I didn’t have a lot of time to get ready. Not really giving myself a chance to look how I know I should, I settled on putting my chocolate brown hair back in a sleek ponytail, which goes well with my teardrop earrings.
I’m about to grab my purse and head inside when I’m startled by my passenger door opening and slamming shut. If I hadn’t noticed the four inch blood red stiletto prying its way into my car, I may have panicked. Instead, I immediately know who it is and blow out a frustrated breath.
“Good Morning, Arianna,” I drone, rolling my eyes. “To what do I owe this morning surprise?”
She flips down the visor, rubbing her fingers at the corners of her mouth. Not speaking until she’s finished ogling herself, I get more annoyed by the second. I don’t have time for this shit. I’m about to silence her attempts of disturbing my morning by escaping the car when her head turns in my direction.
“Were you dropped as a child?” she pauses, staring at me as nonchalantly as if she just asked me what I had for breakfast.
I open and then close my mouth, completely unsure of how to answer such a ridiculous question.
“I’d ask if your mother did drugs, but I don’t recall her ever being a crack whore.” Arianna runs the tips of her pointy acrylic fingers along her calf as she assesses her stockings. She looks angelic in her stark white belted crepe dress, yet she has a demon screaming inside of her to get out. “No, no, that couldn’t be it…you didn’t do drugs as a teenager, did you? You always seemed so put together, a boring child really, not someone who dabbled in narcotics.”
“What in the hell are you talking about, Arianna?” My voice is shaky. I’m completely blindsided by this conversation.
“Hmmm…let me think.” Her eyes look to the roof of the car as she purses her lips. “God, there are so many places to start; how about your inability to follow simple directions.” She continues to furrow her brows at me, her voice laced with sarcasm. “Do I have to write it down for you? Are you that dense that I need to draw a diagram? Do you need me to include some clip art? Bedazzle it a bit?”
I fidget in my seat as the conversation grows more and more uncomfortable. “Obviously, you’re going to have to draw me a picture because I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Fine. Let me paint you a little picture. Imagine…my new Sales Executive hopping on a plane to see her little boyfriend after she agreed to stay away from him.” My mouth drops as her words sink in. She knows. Oh. My. God, she knows. “Not to mention a little conversation you two had outside the hospital last night; cuddling against each other in such a sweet embrace.” She shifts in her seat facing me, her back resting against the car door. And then she snaps.
“You were supposed to stay away from him, Elyssa. That was the deal.” Her eyes darken as she stares at me. “How about the fact that you appear to be continuing this ridiculous fucking joke of a relationship with a good for nothing…”
“Hold the fuck up!” I interrupt her with a growl. “If I recall, you were with him. You thought he was good enough to make him the V.P. of your Sales and Marketing department. Did you not?” I fight the urge to clasp my hand over my mouth. I just went off on a tangent the moment she began insulting Alex. She practically said I was mentally handicapped and called my mother a crack whore and I didn’t so much as flinch, but the instant she insults Alex I go all ape shit on her, defending what’s mine.
Arianna feigns in shock at my outburst before erupting in a fit of laughter. Definitely not the reaction I was expecting. “You remind me of your mother. PATHETIC. It’s a good thing they died when they did. For them to see how you turned out and the type of man you’ve chosen to be with; they would be appalled.”
“Don’t talk about them as if you knew anything about them,” I shriek, holding back the tears that pool in my eyes. I will not give her those. Not today. “You don’t know anything about love, or how my parents were together. And you damn sure don’t know Alex.”
“You’re so naïve. I knew your parents…very well,” Arianna responds, tartly. “So well, in fact I was there the day they perished,” she chuckles. She fucking chuckles. “Bet you didn’t know that, did you, my sweet naïve, Elyssa.”
I have no words. That can’t be right, why wouldn’t I have known this? I need out of this car, I need to talk to my sister. If anyone knows what happened, it would be her.
“You’re just as naïve when it comes to Alex as you are with your parents. You know the man he is now. You have no idea the kind of man, no not man, boy he used to be. The defiled things he’d do for a measly dollar. He was good for one thing and one thing only.” Her face lights up with a devious smirk as she bites her bottom lip. Her recollection of Alex causes a gag like reflex and I’m fighting the urge to purge my breakfast all over her. Fuck, I need out of this car.
“I gave him the confidence, I gave him the education, and I gave him the clothes, the car, and the persona. So when you look at him and fall head over heels in love like a little school girl…recognize that you’re falling in love with the semblance of a man I created. And because I’ve given him all of that,” she snaps her fingers, “I can take it all away. It’s really just that easy.”
Enough! She can carry on and on about how she did everything for Alex, but let’s not kid ourselves. She did it for herself. She’s just that selfish. “I don’t know what you want. I’ve done everything you’ve asked; I broke up with him. I did everything against my better judgment. So cut the crap, why are we here right now?”
“We’re here because regardless of everything you’ve done, you’ve made it clear that you’re not able to separate yourself. I know your game Elyssa, whether you think I do or not. As soon as you thought the coast was clear, big bad aero phobic Elyssa caught the first flight out. Then the moment he comes back, you sneak off to the hospital to what….console him in his time of need. Pfft.”
“Have you watched the news? There was a hurricane that hit New York, Arianna! You know, the same New York where one of your top employees was located. One would think as an illustrious leader, you’d want to know if he was okay.” Her brow shoots up as my words reverberate against the windows. I cool my temper and try to rein in the urge to reach over and choke her with her own belt.
“Just because we aren’t together, doesn’t mean that I don’t care about him. I just…there was no way…I just needed to know he was okay,” I struggle. This isn’t something I should have to explain to her. She doesn’t deserve the right to know why I went to New York. Nor does she need to know why I was at the hospital. But, because I want the hell out of this car, I continue to placate her. “And as far as last night, I didn’t even know he was back. Did you?” She contemplates my explanation. I sit, trying to pacify my frayed nerves by calmly twirling my ring around my finger trying to settle myself. “Besides, as soon as I got confirmation he was okay, I came home. And if you saw us last night, you’d know it wasn’t a lover’s reunion.”
“I didn’t want to do this, but you’re forcing my hand. It’s clear you love him more than I initially thought.” She searches her purse and pulls out her phone; her finger brush over her screen until she finds wh
at she was looking for. “You see, there is this little video I have of Alex. Let’s just say he’s being very…naughty,” she giggles. “See here? If you look close enough you can actually see the moment he penetrates her.” Did she just say penetrate? Don’t look at the screen, Ely…don’t look at the screen.
I can’t help it, my eyes fall from her face to the phone turned in my direction. The video makes my stomach curl. I can see a clear picture of Alex, naked, pushing into a blonde whimpering with need. And even though I’m one hundred percent positive the man on the screen is Alex, the blonde is moaning a different name. “Oh…Calvin…”
I clutch my eyes tightly and look away, hoping to subside the sobs fighting to break through. Arianna made her point. The damage is done. Irreversible. I’ll forever be haunted by the image of Alex with another woman. Not only has she made her point about Alex, she also verified the fact that she’s a sick and sadistic bitch. Seriously, why would she even have a video of him with another woman? And on her phone of all places.
Questions scrape the corner of my mind, itching for me to ask, but not wanting to know the answers. How old is the video? Who is the woman? Was this before me?
Once she realizes I’m no longer watching she brings the phone closer and stops the moan echoing from the speakerphone.
“How do you think it would make Alex look if that video was released? Even better, how do you think the woman’s husband would react?” A knot builds in my throat. This isn’t going to be good. I knew I didn’t want to know the answers. “Considering he’s a prominent politician, I can see the headlines now. God, could you imagine the hell her husband would go through, and in return the hell he would put Alex through? Oh, and of course, it wouldn’t be good publicity for SHI. I would have to terminate him immediately. Not to mention the fact that his reputation would be ruined. He’d be lucky to get the opportunity to ask, do you want fries with that, at the local McDonalds after the senator was through with him.”