by Ann Stewart
“Do you want to sit down?” I nod and Alex lifts me, his hands grip my thighs as he walks us to the couch. I know the last thing on my mind should be sex, but the moment he walked through the door, my body was already doing summersaults. Now, with his hands cradling my thighs and his svelte body so close to the apex of my legs…the only thing I can think of is unbridled pleasure.
Alex sits on the couch with me straddled in his lap. We always seem to end up like this, but instead of kissing me and ripping off my clothes, he strokes my cheek before sliding over and setting me next to him. Lifting my legs into his lap, Alex takes my foot and starts to apply pressure to the arch. While I rest my guilt ridden head on the back of the couch, I’m taken back by his ability to be so tender, especially when I don’t deserve it.
“Are you upset about dinner?” His head tilts, looking at me through his long, thick lashes. I shake my head. Of course he would think I was upset about dinner. Not to say that dinner was a success, but I completely understand Alex’s reaction to Oliver being there. I can’t even imagine how I would feel if I saw him with another woman, let alone a woman who pissed me off every chance she got.
Alex shifts his attention to my other foot and a moan escapes my lips as he applies pressure to the sensitive area between my toes. He chuckles. “You like that, huh?” A sweet smile touches his face and those amazing dimples are finally present. Lazily, I graze his left cheek with my pointer finger and notice how long his hair has gotten.
“You need a haircut.” I struggle to speak, as if there’s no air in my lungs. Although my body is completely relaxed, thanks to his skillful hands, my chest still feels heavy.
Alex’s muscles tense as he runs his hands through his hair. “I guess it has been awhile…” he pauses, resting his hands on my knee. “I can’t help but think that I’m the cause of all this,” he gestures towards me. “I don’t know what happened when I left or after you left me in New York. All I know is that you keep pushing me away.”
God…this isn’t the conversation I wanted to have right now. I want to stop him from uttering another word. I want to pull him against me and show him how much I’ve missed him. I want to explain to him I’ve been trying to figure things out, but I can’t find the words. All my body seems to know is how to form more tears.
“Are you with Oliver now? Is this what this is all about?” I frown at him as I shake my head. I hate that we keep coming back to this. It’s a constant question Alex always falls back on, his insecurities showing.
“Am I hurting you?” What a loaded question. What he fails to understand is that there are many forms of pain; the worst being the incessant ache that throbs in my chest when he’s near. Being around him is like being stranded in the desert. Alex is my cool glass of water that I’m dying to take a sip of. I want to devour him and feel the comfort of having him, but it’s a mirage. Happiness is all a damn mirage.
“Daily…” I murmur. What he doesn’t realize is the pain I feel from our inability to be together and not by his actions. How I wish I could tell him that none of this is his fault. He’s always within reach and so eager to give himself. He knows we belong together and because of this, I’m constantly at battle with myself to give in. To go against my word of keeping him safe, just to fulfill my own needs.
But isn’t that how we got into this predicament in the first place; me giving into my wants and needs.
“Fuck Elyssa, I can’t win with you. One moment it feels as if I’m still here,” Alex lifts his hand, resting it over my heart. “But the next, it feels as if you are a million miles away. As if you’ve put some arbitrary wall between us. I keep banging myself up against it, but all I’m doing is beating the shit out of myself.”
I bite my lower lip and hide my face in my hands. “I’m sorry, Alex,” my words muffled.
“Don’t be sorry,” Alex pulls my hands down and pulls me closer to him. “If anything…you made me realize what I was missing. I never realized how lonely I was until I found you. It wasn’t until I lost you, that I truly know how alone I am.” His words cut me. I’ve ripped his heart out, stomped on it, picked it back up and stomped on it some more.
“I know I’m making things more difficult for you. You are just so hard to let go.” I can feel his breath on my neck as he rests his forehead against my shoulder. Reaching up I run my fingers through his long locks and rest my hands on the back of his neck. “I won’t do this anymore. You said you needed time and…I never wanted this. I thought you were just hesitant about my past, about finding out about Arianna. I thought if I convinced you that I’ve been different since you, that we could forget about this, but I’ll try to give you what you need.” He sighs in defeat. “It’s just so fucking hard.”
I hug him tighter, clinging to his tense body, breathing him in.
I wish I could pause this moment. I want nothing more than to live in his embrace, have him comfort me as I comfort him. Instead, Alex glances at his watch, and shatters our seemingly perfect moment. “It’s getting late. I should put you to bed.”
In a panic, I wrap my arms tighter around him. “Please don’t leave…I…please, Alex, don’t leave.” My nails dig into his skin as I cling to him.
The alarm in my voice threatens to dissolve what little hold Alex has, and when he reaches for me, I race to climb into his arms. I sigh in relief when he lifts me and heads towards the bedroom.
Setting me on the bed, he stands next to me and pauses. Watching him, I notice his eyes rake over my body landing on my grief stricken face. With resolve, Alex commands me to lift my arms and you know my body willingly complies. It always will. He reaches down to find the hem of my blouse, his fingers caress the skin right above the waistband of my skirt. As he lifts the flimsy material over my head, his fingers graze over my ribs, sliding against the side of my breasts. My body was riddled with exhaustion, but now my heart races as he eyes the tops of my breasts peeking out from the lacy cream material of my bra.
Alex groans, closing his eyes, as he pushes me back against the comforter of my bed and kneels in front of me. His large hands grip the waist of my skirt. His forearms graze down my thighs as he tugs, leaving me bare in only my undergarments. My skin is covered in goosebumps. Alex stands, towering over me; an internal battle wages, eyes full of need and lust, chest heaving as he appreciates my exposed body.
I want him just as much as he wants me. It’s evident, not only with the rapid rise and fall of my chest or the overwhelming scent of my arousal, or the way my eyes practically beg him to touch me.
With a sigh, Alex reaches for the head of the bed and pulls down the sheets. “Get in,” he demands. I crawl in and look up at him, begging him with my eyes to stay.
Alex shakes his head, answering my unspoken question. He leans down and places a swift kiss on my forehead and turns to leave, but I can’t let him get away. Not tonight. So, I do the only thing I can think of and reach out and grab his shirt. “Please Alex…”
Conflicted, he searches my face. It only takes a moment, but I see when resolve leaves his body. It’s as if all air is expunged, leaving him only with his last sigh. Alex turns and begins to unbutton his dress shirt. The cotton fabric falls from his broad shoulders, allowing me to study the curvature of his muscles; the peaks and dips of his chest, his shoulders, and biceps. His defined abs make me quiver as his muscles flex while he loosens his belt. Within seconds Alex is naked except for the thin cotton fabric of his black Calvin Klein boxer briefs. He may have let his hair grow longer than normal, he may not shave as frequently as he should, but the man doesn’t let his body go to waste.
“Scoot over.” Even though it sounds as if he’s ordering me, his voice shows patience and care so I move and rest on my side. The click of the lamp is the only sound before his body pushes up against me. He doesn’t ask permission, but then again, he doesn’t need to.
He pulls me closer. I can feel his arousal against my back and even though it would be easy for him to press the issue, he doesn’t. Ins
tead he rests his hand on my belly. I’m not sure if it’s the pregnancy hormones, but the moment his hand touches where our unborn child lays, my lips tremble as I struggle with my emotions. This might be the closest our baby will ever get to his or her Dad. After tonight, I know I can’t tell Alex. He’s having a hard enough time as it is; imagine if a child was involved. We would both ruin him and he would resent us. No. He can never know.
I rest my hand on his, the three of us joined for the briefest of moments. I close my eyes and hope to dream of the family I should have, but know that when I wake in the morning, Alex will be gone.
Friday, November 23, 2012
Knock! Knock! Knock!
My eyes flutter and I groan. Who the hell is here at this ungodly hour? I glance at my alarm clock and notice that it’s already ten in the morning. Okay, maybe it’s not as early as I thought it was. With my head throbbing, my eyes struggle to open while my sleep intruder continues to pound on my front door.
Geez… “I’m coming!” I yell, my voice croaks and my heart aches as I pull myself from the emptiness of my bed. I notice the remnants of last night still lying on my floor. The clothes Alex helped me remove before he slid inside my bed still remain, along with his tie. His tie; it’s the only proof that he was here. That he had his arms wrapped around me while I cried for him, for us, for our baby.
I pull a t-shirt and boxer shorts from my drawer before I shuffle my feet to the door. The cold air rushes in as does my sister who immediately engulfs me. My arms are pinned at my side, forcing me to shut the door with my foot. “Rach?”
No words, just sobs as she awkwardly clings to me. Lord how many tears can we shed in such a short amount of time? Hart women must have an unlimited supply. “Rach, what’s wrong?” I pry my arms out of her death grip and hold her close. The instant she lifts her face and our eyes meet, I see pity and know exactly what has her so upset. “He told you, didn’t he?”
A nod is all I need to confirm the dread in my stomach. What was Alex thinking? Rachel hugs me tighter and continues to cry into the crook of my neck while I lead us to the couch. This conversation doesn’t need to take place at all, let alone at the entryway of my apartment. Who knows how much Alex divulged and all I need is for my sister to faint on my doorstep. At least the couch is a more suitable place to lose consciousness.
“Why…why didn’t you tell me?” Rachel blubbers while we both sink against the cushions of the couch.
“Rach…sometimes it isn’t my story to tell. Sometimes things are better left unsaid.” She shakes her head in disagreement. “What exactly did he tell you?”
“Everything, El. He told us about the women, about meeting Arianna, about his position at SHI.” She stops, giving me a chance to intercede. Luckily for me, that’s all on him. He doesn’t even know what I’m going through, so I don’t know why I was worried she would find out how Arianna has been threatening me.
“Well, that’s pretty much everything in a nutshell.” Rachel releases me, giving me space to finally breathe as I close my eyes and fall against my decorative pillows.
“That’s not all he told us.” Great…thought too soon. “Alex explained that when he met you, you changed everything. He made it abundantly clear how you are the sole reason he wants more.”
My chest tightens and I feel as if someone is literally sitting on it. Rachel knows. If she knows the beginning, she knows the end. The end I’ve purposely kept from her.
“He also told us that he was forced to leave, to go to New York for business, but that you went there. But El, I don’t understand. Why would you go to New York and then leave him the way you did? What’s happened with you and him for the past few weeks since he’s been back?”
“What do you want me to say, Rach? I’m sure you have plenty of questions about Alex and his past and why I didn’t tell you. Like I said, it’s not my story to tell.”
“What? No, El. My questions aren’t about Alex. He told us everything I needed to know and I agree with him. That was his past and it has nothing to do with the present. That man loves you to the moon and back. What I’m talking about right now is entirely about you! I wanted to come over last night to check on you, but by the time Alex left our place it was too late. I can’t imagine what you’ve been going through.
“But then when Bryan received a text from Alex asking for me to check and make sure you were okay, I started to get angry. And the closer I got to your apartment, the angrier I became.”
“You’re angry….at me?” I ask astounded. Are we in the same conversation?
“Damn straight I am! First off, you didn’t tell me anything about your problems with Alex. I’m your sister. I could have been there for you.” I shake my head about to interject, but she silences me with a raised eyebrow. “Oh, I’m far from finished. What confuses me the most is the moment he opened up to you and let you in, you threw his past in his face and ignored him while he was in New York. In a place where he didn’t want to be, sent by the one person who has control over him.”
“Rachel…” I try to interject, but she just glares at me.
“No…you’re not going to talk now. Not when you should have been talking to me this entire time.”
“Rachel…let me talk.” I know it’s my fault for keeping everything from her, so she has no clue what I’ve been going through. What I’m still going through. If only she’d let me talk, I’d tell her.
“No, like I said, you are going to listen. I can’t even fathom what you’ve been thinking and why you’ve made the decisions you have. But, I’m here now and you need to give me something, El, because none of this makes sense.”
“Fine,” I concede.
Rachel goes on saying that she understands why I went to New York. That if Bryan was clear across the country, in the middle of a natural disaster, she would be frantic with worry too. What she’s completely wrong about is her opinion that I used Alex for a booty call and then pushed him out of my life as if he was yesterday’s garbage.
I get it, I really do. But we all know that’s not what happened.
“It wasn’t a booty call, Rachel. I was worried, I couldn’t get a hold of him, and I had to know he was safe. I never meant to actually see him,” I look down at my hands, the defensiveness leaving my tone, replaced with sadness.
“I’m just saying maybe you need to look at it from his point of view. But again, that’s in the past. Let’s leave it there. My main concern is the mess that happened last night. Now, I know it’s our fault we didn’t tell you we invited him, but it’s also your fault for inviting Oliver without telling us. All we were trying to do was surprise you and we were all slapped in the face. After everything that’s happened between you and Alex, this was the icing on the cake. What in the hell is going on with you? Since when do you go from one guy to another?”
Hold up…WHAT?
Is Rachel accusing me of man hopping? I swear at times it’s like she doesn’t know me at all. Rachel doesn’t seem upset about Alex renting his dick by the hour or the fact that he’s been with Arianna. But, because I brought a friend to Thanksgiving dinner, she’s accusing me of whoring around?
Unhuh. No. Freaking. Way.
With my irritation at an all time high, I stand and pace. Stopping in front of her, hands on my hips I begin my rant. “Okay, Rachel. You want to hear it all?” She nods. “First, I didn’t tell you about Alex because I didn’t want you to think differently about him, especially if I stayed with him. Secondly, I didn’t just show up in New York and use him. I love him.” I pause, taking a breath to calm myself down for a second.
“And yes, let’s talk about what happened last night.” She nods allowing me to continue. “I didn’t show up with a random guy to Thanksgiving dinner to make things worse. I brought a friend to dinner that didn’t have anywhere else to go. I was just being nice, which is something you taught me.
“Oh, and you want to talk about how this so-called other guy is the icing on the cake…the icing on the cake, Rach
el, is that I’m fucking pregnant.” I throw my hands up in the air and fall into the cushion next to my sister as I try to calm my beating heart.
Turning to face her, I search her face for comprehension. Yep, I’ve officially stunned her into silence. I should have told her I was pregnant earlier. We could have avoided as least half of this conversation.
A minute passes before her voice barely registers a whisper compared to her earlier lecture. “El, did you just say that you’re pregnant?” Of course she heard me, but I nod my head to make sure it registers. “When did you find out?”
I place my head in my hands, resting my elbows on my knees. Rachel inches forward and begins to rub circles on my back. “I found out last night. I took a test and, well, you know the rest.”
Realization dawns on her face, “That’s why Alex wanted me to check on you.”
My head shoots up in panic. “No! Alex doesn’t know. No Rach, please don’t tell him.”
“El, he deserves to know.”
“Please, Rach. I’m still trying to deal with this myself. He’s barely giving me room to think as it is; can you imagine how he’ll be if he knew I was pregnant?” Panicked, I begin to plead with her, “Rach, you have to swear on it. Swear on our parents that you will not tell him!”
“Seriously El? I don’t know…” She tries to pull away, but I grip her arms tightly forcing her to look at me.
“No!” I scream at her. She doesn’t understand. “You have to promise me!”
“Fine…fine!” She raises her hands in submission. “I won’t tell him. But you need to at some point.”
“I know, okay. I know. Just let me figure things out.” I sag against the backrest, exhausted from this brief conversation.