Shattered Heart

by Ann Stewart

  The living room becomes deathly quiet while both Rachel and I take in the severity of the situation. “So, let me make sure I understand this correctly. You broke up with Alex because you found out he was selling himself in the past. Yet, you loved him and were afraid for his safety, which is why you went to New York. And, in the process you got yourself pregnant. But now you realize you don’t want to be with him?”

  “Partially correct…I broke up with Alex because it would never work out. We work together and Arianna is technically both of our boss’s. He needs his job to take care of Nana and I need my job to take care of myself and now our baby. And it’s not that I loved him, in the past tense…I still do, but we just aren’t good for each other.”

  Rachel’s glare is deadly as she stares out the window. “I knew Arianna hadn’t changed her ways.” Whoa, where did that come from?

  Her statement makes me think she knows more than she’s letting on. I cock my head and ask, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “I never told you why I hated Arianna, because you didn’t need more fucked up shit in your life.” She pauses, looking back at me and must see the curiosity on my face, because she continues. “Mom told me that Dad and Arianna used to be sweethearts before they met. Did you know that?”

  “Uh, no!” Ick! Great! Now every man I’ve ever loved has officially slept with Satan.

  “Yah, well apparently Dad took one look at Mom and fell in love. They married, had kids, and everything was right in the world. At least that’s the story you know.” I nod, almost scared of how this might end.

  “It had to have been a few months before Mom and Dad died. I came home from school earlier than expected and didn’t know anyone was home. Needless to say, when I walked past Dad’s study, I walked in on an interesting exchange. God, my stomach is in knots just thinking about it.”

  “Spit it out, Rach.” I push her to continue even though I know I probably won’t like it.

  “You know how when we were kids we used to dread nights when Mom and Dad felt…romantic, as we would call it.” I nod my head. It’s completely normal for children to not want to hear or see their parents being intimate. “Well, let’s just say that Dad was studying his files closely.”

  “Huh?” I tilt my head looking at Rachel in confusion.

  “He had his head buried in some cases?” Rachel says through gritted teeth.

  “I’m confused.” I squint my eyes, still not catching on.

  “He was going down on her!” She yelps before covering her face with her hands.

  “Oh my God! That’s disgusting. He was going down on Mom?” I scrunch my face. It’s bad enough imagining your parents having sex, let alone exploring the depths of cunilingus.

  “No. I swear sometimes you are dense.” She splays her hand over her forehead in desperation. It’s early in the morning. Well not early, but I just woke up. She needs to give me a break. “He was going down on Arianna. She was spread across his desk. His back was to me, but her head was up, watching him. She saw me. I stood in the doorway for only a few seconds, but it was enough to scar me for life. And to change my opinion of Dad.” My mind is whirling. My Dad cheated on my Mom with her!

  “I left. Went back to school and avoided Dad. That was until…” I don’t know if it’s the pregnancy or the thought of my Dad and Arianna together, but right now, I feel like I might be sick.

  “Until?” I mutter, almost cringing as she continues. How much worse can this get?

  “The morning they died. Dad called and he was yelling at me, accusing me of doing drugs because I was avoiding my family. I ended up yelling at him. I told him I saw him with her. He didn’t need much else as an explanation. I cried and yelled at him, telling him that I hated him and that he didn’t deserve Mom.” Rachel’s body is shaking now, tears streaming down her cheeks. “They died, El. They died and the last thing I told Dad was that I hated him. And to make matters worse, the last memory I have is of him going down on another woman.”

  “Rach…” I watch as she pushes her tears away with the back of her hands.

  “Those last words have haunted me since that day and I’ve carried these regrets with me. Now do you see why I hate Arianna so much? Do you see why I don’t want you having regrets to live with? They eat at you, El. They eat at you until you are consumed by them.”

  “It wasn’t your fault.” With this confession, Rachel and I stare at each other. No words are necessary to understand our feelings about Arianna.

  “El, I’ve never spoken these words out loud, but…” She pauses, “I’ve had suspicions that she was involved in their crash.”

  I gasp, not wanting to believe anyone could be so cruel. Even Arianna. “How so??

  “How many flights have Dad flown? And how many of those was Mom with him? Honestly El, it’s all too coincidental. I’ve gone over his pre-flight manifest along with the crash report, and it just doesn’t add up.”

  “Can we prove anything?”

  “No, it’s all circumstantial, but I know in my gut. She’s evil.”

  “Rach, we’ll figure it out. You and me, always.”

  I pull Rachel to me, bringing her into an embrace and comfort her while she silently cries. Rachel, being my mother figure, forgets that at times it’s okay for her to need me. I guess this is one of those times because even though her body is trembling with the guilt she’s carried for years, Rachel doesn’t make a sound.

  We hold each other until Rachel’s out of tears. She pulls away and attempts a smile as she grabs tissues from her purse to wipe away the remnants of her buried past.

  “So, what are you going to do about that baby?” And just like that, we’re back to the baby matter.

  “If you’re asking if I’m keeping the baby…then the answer is yes. No matter how messed up the situation is, I can’t imagine getting rid of something that’s a part of Alex.”

  “Do you need me set up an appointment? I could go with you.” I love my sister.

  “I’d like that. But please, no telling Bryan either. He would just end up telling Alex.”

  “I won’t. You know, this would be the right time to get back with him. He loves you El, regardless of his choices in the past…He. Loves. You.”

  “Rach, Alex has enough on his plate between work, Arianna and Nana. Adding our unstable relationship and a baby to the mix would likely send him straight to the loony bin. Just give me time to tell him. I promise you, I will. I’m miserable without him. But trust me when I say, I am doing this for his own good.”

  CHAPTER 8

  Monday, November 26, 2012

  Do you want to know how my weekend was? Well, let me put it this way…you know the feeling when you jump out of a plane and your life force is being yanked from you? Okay, bad analogy; I rarely fly on planes, let alone jump out of one. Seriously though, I quite literally felt like this past weekend has sucked the life out of me, much like how I would imagine jumping out of a plane would feel right before the adrenaline sets in and makes for an exhilarating ride. Except for the exhilarating part didn’t come for me. I’m beginning to doubt that it ever will.

  But, to save you from my ever-present drama, I’m going to skip the theatrics and focus on what is happening today. Today, I’m at work. For better or worse, sickness and health, blah blah, you get the point. The point being that even though I feel like shit, I need to be here to get some sort of sanity back in my life.

  Mercifully, my insistent sister informed me she’ll be going with me to my first OB/GYN appointment next week. In fact, she even made the appointment for me. I know I tease her a lot, but I don’t know what I would do without her. In Alex’s absence, Rachel is absolutely the best replacement. And because I read on the internet that stress is bad for the baby, I’ve devised a plan: Operation Avoid Alex and Oliver is now in full effect.

  Foolishly, I made plans with Oliver for dinner tonight, but I see a cancellation in my near future. Operation AAO would be derailed if I continued with those plans.
Nope. Not gonna happen. I will fulfill my own plan, even if it kills me.

  Unfortunately, even well devised plans sometimes have kinks in them. Mine? Nausea.

  Sitting at my desk with my head drowning in my hands, my head continues to swirl with my see-sawing emotions and persistent nausea. Rachel bought me a gigantic box of Saltines and more than enough ginger ale to last me an entire month, but I thought it might be a little too obvious if I brought them into work. Mints and gum will have to be enough; another notable tip from the internet. Let’s hope it works. At this point I’m willing to try anything to make the incessant whirling in my tummy go away.

  Hearing a shuffle of papers to my left, I lift my head to see Alex approaching me with a frown. Hmpf, Operation AAO lasted a whole two hours. I guess work related conversation can’t be avoided. Caught off guard, I’m even more confused when he takes a tentative step closer. Confused because I’ve never seen Alex so hesitant. Unsure of how to respond to his questioning gaze, I decide to stay silent and wait for him to tackle the awkwardness. Thankfully, I don’t have to wait long.

  After exhaling a deep breath and standing just a little bit taller, he speaks, “Elyssa, do you have the enrollment agreements for the new groups you signed last week?” Like usual, his silky voice is music to my ears. No matter what kind of wall I try to erect, I’m beginning to believe he’ll always be there to knock them down. Always one step ahead.

  Considering Alex’s frown, I really must look as awful as I feel. He, on the other hand, looks handsome as usual. Even in a simple black suit, stark white dress shirt and black tie, he is my epitome of desire. My eyes graze over his body. My imagination runs down the ripple of his muscles under the thin cotton, eyes traveling down the contours of his chest, landing and focused on his taut waist.

  “Elyssa?” he coughs, eyes hooded with concern.

  My eyes shoot up, meeting his questionable gaze. “Sorry Mr. James, what did you need?” I shake the dirty thoughts from my head. This hormone crap is messing with me big time. Not even two minutes ago all thoughts roaming my mind were of how nauseous I was and my latest Google search for home remedies. Now, with Alex near, my stomach is calm, my body hungry.

  With hesitation, he inches perceptibly closer and stares, asking if I’m okay. Am I okay? I shake my head as I rummage through my desk to find the documents. “I know I must look like hell, but I’m fine,” I manage after a moment of uncertainty.

  “Not from where I’m standing.” I smile sheepishly at him, his dimpled smile returning my gesture as I continue to search through my files. “You always look beautiful,” he continues, with his soft voice.

  “I swear I’m usually more organized than this. I’ve just been so…” I search for the right word, but my brain seems to be absent.

  “Not yourself? Trust me, I’ve noticed.” He rolls his tongue along the inside of his cheek as he looks down.

  “I guess you could say that,” I mumble. Of course he noticed. Since we met, I’ve done a complete one-eighty. Complete infatuation started my quest, giving into every whim and taking just as much back. Now? Now, I avoid situations like this like the plague. Or at least I try to. Or convince myself to try.

  But, do you know how hard it is, when all you’ve done is struggle to convince yourself you’re doing the right thing, taking the right stand, when he continues to slide into my comfort zone. No? Well, let me explain how I’m feeling right now. My body, and my invasive hormones which seem to attack at will, takes over and it robs me of every ounce of self perseverance to handle my shit. That’s how I feel.

  Checking my top drawer for what seems like the tenth time, I finally locate the contracts. My mind must be going because I swear I didn’t see them there before. That or Autumn is a sorceress and is messing with me. I’m gonna go with the latter, but only because I don’t want to admit that I may be losing it. Even just a little.

  When he reaches for the folder and his hand grazes mine, a charge of energy I know I couldn’t have imagined passes through us. We both stop and stare at our outreached hands for an immeasurable amount of time. My stormy mind and shaken nerves are calmed and I’m left with a small feeling of warmth and happiness. It might be all in my head, but his touch really does comfort me.

  ALEX…

  I feel like I’m on a never ending carnival ride; the one where the ship teeters back and forth going higher and higher. And Elyssa Fuck Me Hard Hart is the cause of all my grief.

  Like the pathetic mother fucker I’ve become, I made up a bullshit excuse to talk to her. I’m surprised she doesn’t see past my façade. Sure, I needed the contracts, but I could have easily sent Janice to go fetch them. She usually does. But, this was my first opportunity to see her since Thanksgiving. Yes, I said I would give her time, let her get her mind wrapped around the thought of being tied to a man like me, but fuck me if it doesn’t’ kill me to stay away. Not to mention suppressing the urge to growl and claim what’s mine. Then again, what else would you expect when you’re in front of the woman you love?

  Instead, I stand frozen in place, relishing in the heat radiating from her body. She’s a force of nature; my force of nature. Just as nature changes with each season, her moods and thoughts seem to switch second by second. She clearly still has feelings for me, especially when I catch her looking at my pants as if there’s a present inside just for her. Like now. Ok, maybe that’s just sex.

  But when you look past the longing stares and focus on the first few seconds she sees me walk into a room, before she jumps back into that fucked up head of hers, she goes soft. With just one look I can see how much she still loves me. Which is why I can’t figure out why she’s pulling this crap. I love her, she loves me, it’s just that simple.

  When my hand starts to move up her forearm, into the contour of her elbow, right fucking near her breast, my breathe hitches. I lean in and breathe her soft floral scent, worry my lip and take the chance to tell her what’s in my heart. A chance I wish I deserved. “Elyssa, I…”

  As if the Gods haven’t played with me enough in the past couple of months, they decide to add another hurdle for me to overcome. Oliver Cockblocker Prescott. I wish I could squash this prickly little maggot. He has a tendency to ruin every good moment I have in my life. He’s relentless. Not to mention the way he looks at her. If it wasn’t for my position here at SHI, I would have laid him on his ass the moment I caught him staring at her tits like they were made of candy.

  Just when we finally have time to ourselves, he pipes in. “Hey Ely Bean, we still on for tonight? Eight, okay?” And I see red.

  If my eyes could shoot daggers, every part of Oliver’s body would be on the floor, splattered with every ounce of bodily fluid. But, seeing as that’s not possible, I take the next best approach. With my eerily calm voice I finally speak. “Tonight? What’s going on tonight, Elyssa?” It’s not a surprise to her, or to me, when I step away. My knuckles ache as I attempt to curtail the seething anger dripping into my blood.

  “Dinner…it’s just dinner, Alex,” she answers quickly, before Oliver can make the situation worse. If there’s one thing about Oliver, it’s that he’ll attempt any angle to make me suffer. I get it, I really do. He hates me because I fucked his fiancée. Woe is me. The way I see it, I did the asshole a favor. That bitch was nothing, and I only brought it to his attention. Besides, his girl was a stripper and not one of the sweet ones who are working their way through college. No, she was a full blown I like men’s hands on me, their cocks in every available orifice, let me take you in the back for some “private” time, type of stripper.

  “What do you mean it’s just dinner? It’s a date! I’ll see you at eight!” Oliver leans over her cubicle wall placing a soft kiss on her cheek before walking away. He chuckles, “I just realized that rhymed. Haha.” Shooting a smug ass, cocky grin over his shoulder. Fuuuuck! I fucking loathe him. I’d have Maggie write his ass up for inappropriate behavior, but that would just make me look like a pussy. Which I’m not. No, I can handle
this myself.

  With the sudden onset of a headache and knowing I can’t salvage the brief connection we shared, I rub the palm of my hand against my forehead while Elyssa sits in front of me and blankly stares. There are no words that can justify what just happened. Muttering expletives because that’s just how coherent I am right now, I storm off and brush past Janice on my escape route.

  I round the corner, but immediately stop. From this vantage point I can still hear them. I know it’s wrong, but I can’t help myself. Eager to see what Janice can get out of her, I stand virtually clueless at our new printer. Why the fuck Arianna would order these elaborate pieces of shit is beyond me. All it needs to do is print. What else does it need to do? Curtsy and shit out poems?

  “God, you look awful.” Bullshit. She looks beautiful, although a bit tired.

  “You’re chock full of meaningful observations today, aren’t you?” Elyssa fires back. Odd considering how sweet she usually is to Janice.

  “Sorry, I didn’t mean…” I can barely hear Janice’s whispers.

  I hear someone moan and a thunk. I glance around the corner and see Elyssa with her forehead resting against her desk before hiding again. “It’s not you, Janice. I…my head is so messed up right now, I just don’t know anything anymore.”

  “Ely, I don’t know what’s going on with you and your man,” I can imagine Janice using air quotes to accentuate the word man. “What I do know is there is no mistaking you guys care for one another. Take today as an example, you look completely miserable and he looks…”

  “Dreamy.” Did she not see the dread in my eyes? Oh, and the coffee stain? No one can miss that disaster.

  “I wouldn’t say dreamy…” Thanks, Janice. “He hasn’t shaved in days, his shirt is wrinkled in the back, and he spilled coffee on himself.” Damn, do I really look that bad? I guess that means that we truly are a pair. A pair of miserable fools. Elyssa always looks gorgeous to me, because she was made for me. Even with her oversized sweater hiding her curves she looks stunning.