by Ann Stewart
It’s not until the captain asks us to fasten our seatbelts that I’m brought out of my dreams, which I might add have been the best visions I’ve seen in the past month. My lids flutter open and I’m perfectly comfortable. It takes a moment before I realize why. I’m not surprised that, even in full-on rest mode, my body clings to him for survival. My head rests against Alex’s shoulder, limbs folded over his lap where his fingers lazily graze back and forth behind my thigh. My arms cling to his muscular bicep while he rests his cheek against the top of my head.
I panic and pull away slowly, mumbling my apologies. I stretch and tighten my seatbelt, but not before catching Alex’s playful grin. As much as I try, I can’t help my returning smile, while shaking my head. Oh, what am I going to do with you, Alex?
~~~~~
The bright neon lights covering the entryway of the Braxton Hotel and Casino remind me a lot of Vegas, just on a smaller scale. Large fountains line the circular driveway and when we exit the beat up generic cab a slight mist sprinkles us. Grabbing our bags from the trunk, Alex hurries us to the front entrance. It’s absurdly cold and I wouldn’t have wanted to stay outside much longer.
I’ve never been to Reno and didn’t know what to expect, but now I’m really wishing I would have worn something warmer. When the forecast mentioned snow for the upcoming days, I should have known better. But, considering I’m a California girl who’s never been in snow, I guess I could have done worse.
With a hand ghosting the small of my back, Alex silently guides me through the spacious lobby. My heels clack against the tile before we get closer to the front desk which is surrounded in a carpet with shades of blue, yellow and red. Almost like an optical illusion. I’ve never understood how or why each casino picks their carpet, but I’ve been told that if you aren’t looking down at the ugly carpet, you’re looking straight ahead at the machines. If you ask me, it’s because it hides the dirt longer. But what do I know?
Nevertheless, the one unmistakable fixation in the open area that I can’t keep my eyes from is the beautiful overhead lighting. With a mixture of recess lighting and a large oval dome, the intricate ironwork catches my eye. But not long enough for me to miss the woman at the front desk handing over two keys. Coincidentally, next door to each other.
As we approach the elevators, we’re greeted by a man and a woman. I may be making assumptions, but by the expression on her face and the way her chocolate-brown eyes devour Alex, I know she’s been with him. Intimately. Her brow raises, her bottom lip forces its way between her teeth, and the look of sheer pleasure coats her face. You know the moment when you’re about to have your favorite desert? Those few seconds as the waiter carries out a plate, beautifully staged with your favorite sweet just fingertips away. Well, that is this moment, and Alex is a giant slice of chocolate cake, covered in mind-blowing sex, topped off with multiple orgasms.
Bile rises in my throat as they get closer. She’s in her late twenties or early thirties, brown hair with blonde highlights cut into a sleek bob. Her size six frame is covered in a coral colored dress with five inch black stilettos.
Her business associate is as tall as Alex, but not as built. He’s probably in his middle thirties, dressed impeccably in a simple black suit. He’s attractive, not Alex attractive, but good looking none the less. His smooth baby face seems indifferent when they approach to greet us.
“Mr. James. We didn’t expect you.” The woman extends her hand to Alex. Her eyes completely fixed on him with a wide grin spread across her face. Alex shakes her hand, but doesn’t linger too long. She doesn’t even notice me as she continues to address Alex. “God, I can’t even think of the last time you were here. What was it,” she pauses to add her forefinger to her lips, “…two years ago?”
Alex nods, shoving his hands inside his pockets, and replies, “When we signed the initial enrollment agreements.”
“Yes, yes, now I remember. How could I forget?” Her fingers trail across her collarbone as she looks at him longingly. “What do you say about having dinner tonight? For old time’s sake.” She’s practically purring at him.
“Elyssa, you hungry?” Alex turns to me and suddenly all eyes await my response. With a sneer, Miss Priss finally acknowledges me but scoffs at my casual attire. Her companion is a little less judgmental and genuinely smiles when my tired eyes reach his. I reach out, ignoring her ignorant behavior and shake his hand.
The last thing I expected was for him to bring my hand to his lips, placing a light kiss against my knuckles. A blush creeps past my ears when he releases my hand. I notice Alex glaring from the corner of my eye. Ha, take that “for old time’s sake.”
“Thank you for the offer, Mr. James, but I’m not feeling so good after the flight.” I place my hand over my belly instinctually. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”
Without another word, Alex nods with his mouth in a tight line. I’m too tired to deal with this, so instead of pushing further, I look away from him and politely excuse myself.
“It was nice meeting both of you.” I know somewhere in this conversation, I’ve been blessed with their names, but for the life of me, I haven’t been able to focus on anything but getting to my empty room.
I grab my bag out of Alex’s hand, leaving him in the expansive lobby as I scurry to the elevators. I push the call button repeatedly before I notice him standing next to me.
“What are you doing?” I question with another push to the call button.
“Going up.” Alex points to the number above.
“What about dinner with your lovely associates?” I can’t help my condescending tone as I check the numbers; internally trying to guess which of the four elevators will reach the ground floor first.
“What?” Alex holds back a laugh, taking in my icy demeanor. “Are you jealous?”
I roll my eyes, refusing to admit that I am feeling a tinge of jealousy and also not wanting to ask all of the questions running through my head. He continues to blatantly stare at me, causing my irritation to bubble to the surface.
“What Alex?” I erupt, the lobby full of people turn their eyes in my direction.
“Wow,” he winks, “The stone cold Elyssa Hart is jealous.” With an ear splitting smile, he bounces to and fro on the heels of his feet. He’s smug. It wouldn’t irritate me if his fling wasn’t still standing where we left her, watching us.
“Don’t you have a dinner to go to?” I tilt my chin in her direction.
“I told her I needed to get changed and I would meet them downstairs.” My stomach catapults into my throat. I was already feeling uneasy before, but now I’m physically holding myself up by leaning against the wall. I’m pretty sure this is more than I can take. I nod and worry the insides of my cheek. The instant the door opens I step inside and push the button for the twelfth floor repeatedly.
“You only need to press it once. It’s not the elevator’s fault that you‘re jealous.”
I wait until the door closes and we have some semblance of privacy before erupting in anger. “Stop fucking saying that. Do what you want, Alex. You always do. I’m not stopping you.” I choke back the tears that threaten to fall and lean against the wall for support. I purposely face away from him, knowing that one look will cause the breakdown that’s been slowly building since we arrived.
Leaning over, Alex presses a button that stops the elevator from ascending. I look at him in palpable shock when he pushes closer to me. He drops his bag noisily, pushing me flat into the wall.
“Do what I want, huh?” Running his nose up the nape of my neck, my skin prickles from excitement as he continues to touch me ever so gently. He takes my lobe between his teeth, teasing and nibbling causing slight pain.
“Alex,” I moan, breath exhaling raggedly. “You’ve got to stop…” With barely enough room to maneuver, I turn into him and rest my hands firmly on his chest. Alex’s hands run from my waist, settling just below my breasts.
“Admit you’re jealous and I’ll show you what I want,�
� he whispers in my ear, grinding his full erection against me. The feeling of his arousal pushes all thoughts of defiance out of my body as I succumb to his touch. Like I had a choice. Alex pulls down the front of my sweater revealing the lacy top of my black bra. He pushes the thin material down, teasing my nipples between his forefinger and thumb.
My breathing is pathetically erratic as he continues to arouse me, bringing me to the brink of full surrender. “Why are you doing this? Are you getting a kick out of it?” My eyes flutter shut as I tilt my head back, basking in the pleasure of his touch.
“Admit you’re jealous.” Alex pushes harder against me, his erection grinding against my stomach as he continues to pin me against the wall. “Admit it,” he pleads, hot breath and tongue licking and kissing my clavicle.
Right before his descent reaches the aching buds of my sensitive nipples, my hands grip his long strands of hair. I bring his face up to mine. “Why Alex? Why is this so important to you?”
“Because…” He takes my hand and places it against his thick shaft, “Because you want this to be yours.” My breath catches in my throat. I move my hand away from his rock hard erection and move it up his body, past his abs, resting again on his chest. Alex reaches down, pushing his hand past the waistband of my tights, resting just outside my lace panties. “Because this, Elyssa, is fucking MINE. You’re just having a hard time realizing it. Do you know how easy it would be to rip these tiny things off and fuck you against this wall?”
My eyes roll back in my head as he applies pressure to my clit. “Please Alex…” I beg, not fully recognizing what I’m pleading for. I could live in his touch for the rest of my life. I could give myself to him and only him and be content and want for nothing.
But, if only being with him was a simple choice. No matter how much I want him and how much my heart hurts at the thought of someone else with him, I can’t do it to him again. My eyes water as I reach down and grip his wrist.
This time when I beg I know what I have to do. “Please Alex…please stop.”
I can feel his breath against my chest, feel the weight of his forehead against my shoulder, and while the tears I’ve been holding back escape, I desperately try to blink them away. “I can’t do this, Alex. Please, just let me go.”
When I’m finally able to push his shoulders with enough force, he slinks away from me, but not before I get the chance to place a chaste kiss on the top of his head. Without so much as a glance in my direction, Alex turns around and approaches the control panel. Before I know it we are once again climbing to the twelfth floor.
My eyes scan the four by six confines of the elevator. I search for something to stop me from walking away from him, but there’s nothing. Alex erupts in anger, a growl escaping his chest, his hand slams against the wall.
“I know you want me, Elyssa. What the fuck is going on with you?” His fists are tight, his forehead resting against them as he faces the wall, as far away from me as the tiny space will allow. I hold my hands against my lips in hopes of silencing my sobs. The elevator dings when we reach our floor and I make a mad dash to grab my bag and hurry down the hallway leaving Alex marinating in frustration.
Note to self: Avoid all elevators in the future.
~~~~~
The steam of scalding hot water camouflages my tears. I slink against the tile wall of the walk in shower, pulling my knees to my chest. I’m so damn weak when it comes to him. He knows it, I know it. He purposely uses it to get inside my head, which only causes more turmoil for the both of us. If only he knew what was at risk, he wouldn’t gamble with the lives of those close to us.
By the time I pick myself off the floor and turn the water off, my fingers are all pruney. I grab the fluffy robe from the hanger and wrap it around my body before wrapping a towel around my damp hair. I wipe the fog from the mirror and take in my appearance. Sadness. My face is splotchy from crying, the whites of my eyes are marked with red, and I can’t even force a smile while I look at the coward in front of me. I’m afraid. All of my decisions have been based on the simple fact that I’m scared shitless. Scared to face the possibility that Alex may hate me in the end. Scared that everything I’ve worked so hard for will end in a mess of heartache and regret. Hell, I’m already there.
I read somewhere that the baby can feel the emotions of the mother while in the womb. If that’s true, I’m screwed. The guilt I feel for putting Alex through heartache is enough to damage even a small soul. I’ve excluded him from our baby’s first moments, ones you’re supposed to treasure, moments that define you.
My phone vibrates on the counter. I’m not surprised at the couple missed calls and texts from Oliver, but I don’t have time to think about him right now. Oliver will have to wait until I get back to Vegas. Because, even if Alex doesn’t completely understand, I need to have hope that he’ll one day forgive me.
**I’m so very sorry**
I drop my phone on the bathroom counter and sink to the ground. The instant my bottom touches the floor, my stomach growls. I’m not taking good care of my body, and in turn my baby, and realize I haven’t eaten anything since breakfast. I have no desire to leave my room, the last thing I need is to run into Alex with her. Instead, I decide to splurge and settle on room service.
I leave the bathroom and settle down on the bed, menu in hand. I peruse over the appetizers and main courses. I can’t seem to decide what I want. My eyes being bigger than my stomach, I decide on a burger and fries along with an order of cocktail shrimp. Can I eat shrimp while pregnant? Right before I pick up the phone to place my order, I hear a thumping against my door.
I shuffle my feet along the dark brown carpet. Peeking through the peephole, the last person I expected to see is Alex, but there he is standing just on the other side of the door holding a brown paper bag.
The smell of food is mouthwatering when I open the door. Alex silently pushes past me and I close the door behind him. I turn to face him and with a shrug of his shoulders, he heads over to the already overturned bed and starts taking out white containers.
“It smells delicious.” I cautiously eye him as he continues to take out napkins and silverware, still as silent as when he walked in. He hasn’t so much as looked at me, allowing me a chance to notice that he’s wearing the same clothes he wore on the plane. In the elevator he mentioned going to his room to change, and although I’m quite curious as to what happened to those plans, I’m almost too afraid to ask.
Finally settled, Alex kicks off his shoes and climbs on top of the bed and looks at me, gesturing for me to join him. We have our own personal picnic, just the two of us. I shuffle towards him gripping the belt of my robe, pulling it tight around me. Realizing I still have the towel on my head, I pull it off and drape it over a chair. I inch closer and run my fingers through my damp locks.
I pull my legs beneath me and sit in front of him. Still playing the silent game, Alex gestures with his eyes to the Styrofoam container. He must have read my mind: he got me a burger and fries. I smile at him before picking up my burger and taking a large bite. Alex nods and digs into his own.
Considering we’ve barely had any time together since his return from New York, being alone with him is a bit awkward. The silence is maddening and I hate the hollowness in his eyes. Don’t get me wrong, they’re still the brightest blue I’ve ever seen, but the confidence is missing. He looks tired and broken.
I try to think of what to say to him. Try to figure out some way to explain that how I’ve been acting, me pushing him away, has nothing to do with how I feel about him. I want to explain that even though I love him, I can’t be with him. How does one tell the love of your life that, without letting the proverbial cat out of the bag?
“I didn’t know what you wanted. So I thought a burger was safe.” Alex breaks the silence and I glance up at him.
I nod. “It’s like you read my mind. I was about to order room service and was actually going to order a burger.”
My phone chirps notifying
me of a text message. I glance and notice it’s from Rachel, but I don’t get a chance to read it. “Oliver?”
I look at him in disbelief. “Why do you always assume its Oliver?”
He shrugs. “Just seems like you guys are buddy-buddy since I left.”
“You know it’s not a competition: me, you, and Oliver. This isn’t some battle between you two and I am most certainly not the prize.” Alex takes a bite and chews slowly thinking about what I just said. And then it dawns on me. “Is that why you slept with his fiancée?”
Alex looks up at me in surprise. “He told you about that?” I nod. “Let me guess, he made me out to be some asshole, right?”
“Well, how would you feel if he slept with your fiancée?” When Alex glares at me, I realize how defensive that sounded.
“So that’s it, huh?” He pushes his food away and stands. “He tells you I’m the bad guy and you take his side?”
“I’m not taking anyone’s side, Alex. All I’m saying is that maybe you should look at it from his point of view.”
“How about you look at it from my point of view?” Alex walks to the window and looks out at the flashing neon lights. “I didn’t know she was his fiancée.”
I sit and patiently wait, hoping that if he sees that I’m not here to judge him, he’ll give me the answers I didn’t know I needed.
“There’s not much to the story. Honestly Elyssa, when I saw her at the hotel bar, she was sitting alone. She looked familiar, and when I approached her, I realized it was because I had met her once before when she was working at a strip club. She never mentioned she had a man, let alone a fiancé. She came onto me; I just took her up on the offer.”
Of course Oliver assumes the worst. Who wouldn’t? If I were in Oliver’s shoes, I would have easily assumed that Alex, someone who he had an already unhealthy relationship with, knew about him before he slept with his fiancée. Now that I know both sides of the story, the competition seems more ridiculous now than it ever did before. Alex turns to face me, still clearly irritated.