by Ann Stewart
“Why aren’t you looking at me?” he asks, while his feet shuffle beneath him. Just the sound of his voice causes my lips to tremble. I’m not sure if it’s the anger I feel towards him or better yet the anger I feel towards myself, or the utter heartache I feel when I’m near him. I feel as if a sledgehammer has busted through whatever semblance of a person I was. I was strong, I was sure of myself, I trusted my heart, but now I feel foolish for ever believing that Alex and I had a future together. Damn foolish.
“I. Can’t.” I struggle to just speak those few words. I’m searching within for the resolve I had when I decided to come to this party. To find the strength to say what I need to say. “I thought I could do this, Alex. But, I can’t. I can’t look at you. It hurts too much.”
“Hey, come here.” Alex takes my hand pulling me to him. I struggle against him, pushing against his chest with my eyes shut tight. “Hart, look at me.”
I know I shouldn’t, but his pleading breaks my resolve. I know when I open my eyes all I’ll see is betrayal. Never said I wasn’t a masochist. I pry my eyes open and allow myself to look at him; really look at him. “Fine. I’m looking at you.” I can feel the wetness of my tears as they stream down my cheeks. “What do you want, Alex?”
“Why are you looking at me through hate filled eyes? I should be the one that’s angry.” His arms tighten around me the more I struggle. I don’t have the energy to fight him. It’s not until I hear the voices around us that I realize he’s holding me in the middle of all of our co-workers. Well, there goes that secret.
“Alex stop, everyone is looking at us,” I cringe further into him.
“So, let them. I don’t care anymore. I’m transferring departments remember; taking a step down. I put in the request before I asked you to move in with me.”
I shake my head at his words. “It doesn’t matter anymore. You’ve made your decision.”
“You’re my decision. I don’t want to live without you,” his voice softens.
“You’re not obligated to do anything for me.” This would be the best time to tell him, to tell him all the lies I’ve fabricated to push him away. To tell him how much he hurt me by going back to the one woman who I despise. But I can’t get the words out. I know I’m a coward. We’ve already determined this when I ran out on him in New York. Nothing ever changes.
“I’m not doing it out of obligation. Open your fucking eyes! I love you, Elyssa. You are my everything and I’ll do whatever it takes to be with you.” I break down, knee buckling and all. Alex doesn’t let me fall and pulls me tighter against him, walking us both outside. Leading us to a small table, he sits down on one of the metal chairs and brings me in closer. It’s cold, but all I can feel is his warmth as he pulls me into his lap.
I push against him, struggling to stand on my own. “I don’t think there’s anything left to give you. I love you, but right now, love isn’t enough.”
“It is enough, Elyssa. I love you and you know that means something. I’ve been going out of my mind this past week. It has literally been the worst week of my life. Worse than the month I was in New York.”
“How so?” I don’t believe him. How could I when there’s evidence to the contrary? No, he thinks he missed me, he thinks he loves me, but really…what does he even know of love.
“I’m not going to lie, when I was in New York, it hurt. But it’s nothing compared to how I feel now. You gave me a peek into what I want my future to look like. What I want our family to look like, Hart. The prospect of having a family, of taking care of you, you taking care of me. Finally having the family that I’ve always wanted, but never thought I deserved.”
Shaking his head, he loosens his grip just enough for me to pull away to stand. Grasping for me, he continues and breaks my heart even further. “You took all of that away. Tell me, Elyssa, what do you do when the one you love takes away your future? I’ll tell you. Your heart gives up because there’s nothing left to live for.”
No. No. No. He doesn’t get to hurt like this. Not the way he hurt me. I lash out at him with as much venom in my voice as I can muster. “Is that why you slept with Arianna?” The words leave my mouth before I even have a chance to stop myself. Each word full of hatred. For Alex. For Arianna. For the past. For ruining my future.
Alex looks at me with confusion and tries to move closer. I don’t allow him, with each step he moves forward, I back away. “I don’t know where this is coming from, but Elyssa, I haven’t slept with her since you first came into my life.” Pain etches each feature on his ruined face.
“Don’t fucking lie to me, Alex. I saw the pictures.”
“Pictures?” He shakes his head, “What are you talking about?”
“You sure you don’t know? At this point I wouldn’t be surprised if you were all in on this sick little joke.”
Alex takes a calculating step forward, and I have nowhere else to go. I’m backed into the brick wall and he knows he has me. Again, not feeling so safe here. “Elyssa, I’m going to only say it one more time. What the fuck are you talking about?”
Fine. “Cole. He came to me last night and told me your sick little girlfriend had him following me for the past month. But tables were turned and while I was out of town last weekend, he followed you. He has pictures of you. With Arianna. Naked, Alex. You were fucking naked with the one person that has ripped everything away from me. From us.”
“Hart, I swear I didn’t sleep with anyone. I spent that entire weekend drunk off my ass.”
“Think long and hard Alex, because I’ve seen them. That picture is burned into my mind. I can’t escape it.”
He runs his hands through his hair before settling them on the back of his neck. “Hart, I swear. I don’t remember anything. I blacked out. I don’t know what happened. I just kept drinking and drinking until I couldn’t see your face anymore. Until I didn’t have to picture what you were doing out of town with him.”
I weep quietly as Alex kneels in front of me. Unshed tears pool is his eyes as he looks up at me. His firm conviction he did nothing wrong has me wanting to believe him. I don’t know what to do. Ely now…tell him now.
“God, you’re fucking pathetic. I don’t know what I ever saw in you.” Both of us turn our heads and our attention moves to the figure stepping into the light. Out of the darkness my nightmare comes to life. Dressed in a blood red floor length gown that hugs every inch of her body Arianna steps forward with her hands fisted at her sides. Her hair pulled into a tight bun, causing her already tight features to stretch even further. I’d say she looks beautiful if it wasn’t for the psychotic wide-eye expression on her face.
Alex stands, his hands fisted at his sides as he pulls me behind him. “What do you want Arianna?” Alex’s voice is laced with venom.
She saunters closer, reaching out to brush her fingers over the lapel of his jacket. “What ever do you mean lover?”
“Don’t call me that,” he growls. “We haven’t been together in a very long time, Arianna, and you know damn well that’s the fucking truth.”
“Oh, I guess if last weekend constitutes a very long time, you’re right. It has been a long time,” she squeals with laughter.
“What the hell are you talking about? I was not with you last weekend.”
“You don’t remember? You were drunk. I saw you at Sandy’s bar. You needed a ride home. You practically ripped my clothes off.”
Alex is shaking his head in disbelief. “No, there is no way I would have done that.”
“You did. We did.” Her eyes dart to look over his shoulder at where I’m standing. “And you…I warned you not to think you were special. You had this stupid fairy tale all made up in your head. Didn’t I tell you he’d come back to me?” Her wicked smile is directed at me and I can’t look away. As much as I hate this woman, hate her with the fiery passions of hell, I can’t look away.
“I don’t believe you. There’s no way I would have touched anyone. Let alone you.” Alex turns to me, eyes plead
ing, “You have to believe me.”
I shake my head. “There are pictures, Alex. There’s too much proof not to.” Head still shaking, I decide to settle this now. “You were fucking naked with her in your bed, Alex. You had sex with her. Just face it!”
Alex grits his teeth, throwing his arms in the air in frustration. “Goddamnit!” He screams into the air. Luckily we are alone outside. Unluckily, Arianna is practically having an orgasm watching him.
“You’re just like your mother. Pathetic. Even when your men are fucking other women, you still take them back, licking up the leftovers after they’ve been with me.”
Her words reach into the depths of the darkness I feel and ignite the anger I’ve felt for the past twenty-four hours. I push past Alex, nudging my finger into Arianna’s boney chest.
“You! You stupid bitch! I’m done with your fucking games. You had Cole following me, for what reason? To know if I was with Alex. He. Doesn’t. Want. You! No one ever wanted you. You’re the one that’s pathetic. The problem is you want everyone else’s life, but you’re stuck in your own miserable existence.
“I’m done with you intimidating me. You will stay the fuck away from me. You will stay away from my family or so help me God I will make you regret the day you were ever born!” I push against her chest, anger radiating through my pores. I’m shaking.
“You have no power to make threats. I own you. Just like I own him.” She points to Alex, seething behind me. “Just like I own your precious little Cole. Don’t push me little girl, because when I push back, you’ll regret the day I entered your life. Not only will I ruin your life, and you know I can, but I will destroy the lives of those you love. Mark my fucking words, Elyssa.”
My hand fists and right when I bring my arm back to pummel her to the ground, another hand rams into Arianna’s cheek causing her to fall backwards with a loud yelp. I glance to my left and see my sister whose entire face is red with anger.
“That’s for my Mother, you fucking bitch. Because she was more of a lady than I am and would never have put you on your ass which is where you belong.” Rachel steps forward, her foot stomping on Arianna’s hand splayed on the ground. “That is for my sister. You better stay the fuck away from her. You hear me?” Rachel’s teeth are gritted as she stares at Arianna quivering on the ground.
Arianna’s maniacal laugh sears through the bitter cold. “She works for me. I own her.”
“You don’t own shit, Arianna. There is nothing in this life you can take away from me anymore. Not now, not ever. You deserve every piece of shit that comes your way. I fucking quit!” I scream from behind Rachel, my body vibrating with nervous energy.
“You think you’ll get away with this. I am Arianna Salerno and nothing touches me. Rachel, be ready because I’m going to have you arrested for assault.”
“Go right ahead. A stay in jail is well worth the satisfaction I just got. It’s been a long time coming.” Rachel grabs my hand, pulling me behind her away from Arianna who incidentally is still laying flat against the ground.
A slew of nervous energy feeds my momentum as Rachel and I move through the crowd inside of the banquet hall and through the double doors I came in. She did it; she knocked Arianna on her ass. Boom! Bitch goes down! Rachel is like Mike Tyson, minus the ear biting shit.
Although I’m ecstatic that Arianna got served a dose of whoop ass, I can’t help and wonder if her threats will come to fruition. What if she does press charges? Rachel looks horrible in orange and I although she is feisty, I can’t imagine her being in prison. Rachel definitely didn’t think this through.
I pull back against her arm, stopping us in front of the casino.
“You just hit her!” Rachel tilts her head sideways as if I just told her the sky is blue.
“Uh yah, she deserved it.” She huffs as she grabs my arm, pulling me to her car. “I can’t believe that manipulative bitch.”
Rachel’s rants are halted by Alex’s booming voice behind us. “What was that back there?” I ignore him and continue to hurry behind Rachel. “Where are you going? We’re not done.” Alex pulls on my elbow. I twirl around still vibrating with anger and adrenaline.
“We are so done. Go back to your fuck buddy.” I point to the double doors still trying to edge my way to Rachel’s car. My sister is now standing with her door open watching our standoff. She widens her eyes as I look at her, pushing me to take it easy on him.
Backing away, Alex runs his hands through his hair in frustration.
“You’re mad at me?” He points his thumb towards his chest. “You broke up with me. You told me you’re having some other man’s baby days after you told me the baby was mine. That you were both mine. I was drunk, I don’t remember. You don’t have a fucking leg to stand on when it comes to this. You don’t deserve…”
“I know! You don’t think that I realize that I caused all of this! You don’t think that I know that! It doesn’t make it any easier, Alex. And now I’m jobless, homeless, and pregnant! This is not the most ideal situation. So I know what I deserve and what I don’t deserve. I don’t need you to remind me.” I wrap my arms around myself before pivoting to walk towards the car.
Alex stops me, pulling me against his chest, my back to his front, as he wraps his arms around me. “Why didn’t you tell me everything that was going on…with Arianna…with Cole?” His voice is soft.
“I was trying to protect you. She would have ruined you, Alex.”
“That’s the thing. In a relationship, you protect each other. You don’t leave someone in the dark until everything has gone to shit.”
I turn in his arms looking up at his darkened face. “So now you know. You know all the fucked up truth that I’ve been hiding from you for the past couple of months. You know why I fought against being with you so hard. Why I ignored you in New York. You know it all.”
“I don’t think you’ve told me everything.” Alex’s fingers brush against my chin, forcing me to keep eye contact. “You’re still keeping something from me.”
I shake my head, my eyes fluttering closed as I search for the courage to rock his boat again. “I-I don’t know how to say it.” I swallow back the nerves jumbled in my stomach as I look into his blue irises which are darkened by the shadow of night. I don’t know what it is about us in parking lots and pregnancy discussions.
“Just tell me. With everything that’s come out tonight, I think I know, but I need to hear you say it.” I look back at Rachel, who’s signaling with her hands for me to go on. Turning back to Alex, I drop my head, resting my forehead against his chest as I take deep breaths.
Breathlessly, I reveal my last secret, “The baby…it’s yours.”
“Say it again.” His chest rumbles with his demand. I look up into his handsome face, unable to read his reaction. He’s grinding his teeth together causing his jaw to flex. Other than that, nothing.
“The baby is yours,” I release again, this time more confidently as I look him in the eyes.
It feels like eternity has passed since I told him, yet his face is still unreadable. Silence is all I’m met with before he drops to his knees in front of me, clutching my body to him. I’m frozen for a moment before my fingers find his hair to comfort him.
“Alex, your suit.” I tug on his arm, but he doesn’t budge.
Resting his forehead against my belly Alex murmurs, “Fuck my suit.” I giggle as his arms tighten around my waist. “No more secrets, no more lies.” Alex looks up the length of my body.
I nod. While Alex has a moment with LJ, I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I can’t shake the anger and the images of Arianna and Alex together. I shouldn’t have to. “What about Arianna?”
He stands up, but doesn’t allow me to pull away. “What about her?”
“You slept with her, Alex. That’s not something I’m going to forget anytime soon.”
“I wish I had an explanation for you. I know it’s a lame excuse, but I honestly don’t remember. Whatever you want me
to do, I’ll do it. I know I didn’t sleep with her, but I don’t know how I can prove that to you. Please, Elyssa, please just trust me. After everything Arianna has done…”
I bang on his chest with both fists, only to have him pull me in closer. “You think this is gonna be easy to forget? That the pictures are just going to erase from my mind. I saw you, Alex. I get that I shattered your faith in me, but to go and be with her, I just don’t know how I’m going to put this behind me. I want to,” I shake my head, “I want to be with you more than anything. Help me believe in us again.”
“I will do anything, Elyssa. You have to know I wasn’t in my right mind. You took away everything from me. I didn’t care if I saw the next day; all I wanted was to drink until it didn’t hurt so much. It doesn’t absolve me of anything, but I want you to know it’s my truth.”
I run my hand along his cheek, before resting it on his jaw line. I’ve seen the pictures, I’ve felt the heartache. But I also believe Alex when he says he doesn’t remember. In my heart, I know he’d never intentionally hurt me. And although being drunk is no excuse, I can’t ignore the fact that what we are is bigger than Arianna.
Alex turns his face in, kissing my palm before pulling me in closer so that my head rests on his shoulder.
“No more running away. We take care of each other now.”
There is still so much to work through, but I’m tired of fighting. “You sure you want to do this? Your baby mama is homeless and unemployed. These are not check marks in the pros column.”
“No, my fiancée is beautiful, having my baby and we are moving into a new house together. She’s giving me the family I never imagined and is my reason for being. Besides, I could care less if she works as long as she’s pregnant, naked, and waiting for me when I get home.”
The image he paints stirs a smile, but it quickly vanishes as I look towards the double doors as Arianna shakes hands with a few men in suits.