The Life She Wished For (Birds of Paradise Book 2)

by ChaShiree M.

  After week two with no word from him, I am done waiting. Obviously, I was reading more into the situation due to my inexperience. He probably does this with all the women he meets. On nights when the moon is out and shining bright; he takes each one for a stroll saying the most romantic and promising words and having no intentions of following through.

  Although it hurts, there is one positive effect on me. The feelings he aroused in me, have made it possible for me to not sit around and waste my life being scared. There is a whole world of fun, sensations, and possibilities out there; and I want it for myself.

  First things first, I have to go to my nephew’s birthday party. It may sound crazy, but I am excited for this party. My siblings and I found out about him three months ago. To say it was a shock, is an understatement. We found out my sister, who has never looked, touched, or thought of a man as far as we knew; has been married to a man named Ren this whole time and has a son named Tony.

  Looking at the two of them together, I understand why she never looked at another man. The love between them is palpable and unparalleled.

  As I get out of the car, I am greeted by the wonderful sound of happy children. It makes me feel more than I have in weeks. Rounding the corner, I immediately seek out the birthday boy. He and I have become close over the past few months. I love him so much it hurts. As I scan the yard, I see my brothers and my sister Quetzal. I’m pretty sure Fae is in the kitchen, but I wonder what is taking Kea so long?

  As I make my way further into the yard, I hear “Auntie Phoenix.” Before I have time to react to the sound, a body comes barreling at me, and I catch my favorite nephew in a bear hug. “Hey cutie. Happy Birthday. Let me look at you. My goodness, I think you have grown a foot since I saw you last week.” I then do the thing he hates…I kiss him all over his face and pinch his cheeks.

  “Aww Auntie Phoenix, not in front of my friends. Gross.”

  He wipes my kisses off and takes off running, knowing I am going to chase him to give him more kisses. Before I can chase him down, my brother Jairo makes his way over to me. Although I am tired of trying to tell them I am fine, since they found out I left the bar with someone…Thank you Fae for that; they have been hounding me more than usual about my mental state. It is starting to grate my nerves. However; I know if I avoid Jairo, he will be more relentless and then all of them will team up. It is best to get it over with.

  “Hey baby girl. How are you doing?”

  “I’m fine Jairo. How are you?”

  “I’m always fine Phe. I’m just worried about you. Are you feeling ok? Do you need anything?”

  “No. I’m fine. For the hundredth time I am fine. Nothing happened.”

  “I believe you little bug; but as your big brother, my job is to look out for you. So, stop being a brat and let me do my job. Ok?”

  I feel bad now because I know he’s right. He is doing what he can to protect me and I am acting ungrateful. I don’t mean to, but I can’t help thinking; if I wasn’t sheltered and held so tight, I might have been more prepared for the heartbreak. You know?

  “I’m sorry Jai. I have been on edge with finals and it’s not been easy to sleep worrying about my end of semester grades. I don’t mean to be so bratty. Forgive me?”

  Wrapping my arms around him, I lay my head on his chest and soak in the feeling of being loved. It is not the same as between a man and a woman, but my brother’s arms are just as good. I love them more than anything in this world.

  As I get ready to move, I feel a few more sets of arms wrap around me. I know it’s my other three brothers who have joined in. I don’t know if anyone would understand, but having these big, strong, super serious, men hold me and my sisters when we really need it, brings us to tears. Now is no exception. For all my pontificating about being fine, I start bawling right in the middle of the yard surrounded by kids, strangers, and my family, and I wish I could stop.

  I’m not only crying for Mikhail. I am crying for the normalcy I crave, for all we have endured, and for the unknown. I continue to hiccup and sob until there is nothing left. Then I wipe my nose on Jairo’s shirt… he hates when I do that…hahahaha which is why I do it.

  “Ugh, bug really!”

  “Sorry, needed a tissue.” I say through a devious snotty smile.

  “Are you sure you’re ok?” my brother Braxton asks me.

  “I am now. Thank you, guys, for knowing what I need. Even when I don’t. I’m going to go say hi to Quetz and then go in with Fae. Ok?”

  They nod in unison and I thank them, then walk away.

  “Q, where in the hell is Kea?”

  “I don’t know. I have been calling her all morning. No answer.”

  “Do the guys know?”

  “Yep. I’m surprised they came. We are all assuming she got stuck with an emergency at work.”

  “Yea that must be it.” I say this out of my mouth, but I am not so sure. There is a bubbling in the pit of my stomach telling me something is wrong, making me want to leave and look for her. But I will not ruin this for Tony, especially when it could be a perfectly reasonable and innocent excuse.

  “Phoenix, it will be ok. No matter what happens, our brothers are not going to let anything happen to us. Plus, you know as well as I do; even as they try to act like it isn’t so, Ren has eyes on each of us all the time.”

  “You’re right. I’m fine. Don’t worry about me. You know I overreact sometimes. How are you?

  “I’m fine Phe. You know. Making it. No complaints. Wha…”

  Suddenly, she stops mid-sentence. At first, I was worried, then I look in the direction of her gaze and I understand. She is staring straight at Lucca and he is doing the same. The energy between them from across the lawn is sizzling. I wonder if either of them has made the first move. Not wanting to break the stare down that is going on, I quietly walk away and head inside. I haven’t forgotten I still have a birthday boy to torture.

  “Fae, have you seen Tony?”

  “Phe, quit torturing my baby.”

  “I can’t help it. I love him so much and we missed so much of his life.”

  I feel the tears coming and I try stopping them. I don’t want to bring the party down, and Fae gets it.

  “I know honey, and I’m sorry.”

  “It’s ok Fae. We all understand why you did it. I’m just so happy for you. You got your love and your life back.”

  Love. Life. What would it feel like to have both of those? I don’t begrudge my sister anything; she deserves it all. I just wish I could find it for myself. I swear Mikhail felt everything I did. But on the other hand, it can’t be true because then why would he walk away from me with no word. I remember what he whispered to me, and a strong part of me believes everything he said. The other part of me feels like he was a fraud who ran the minute he realized I wasn’t a sophisticated worldly woman. That fucking hurts like a dagger to the heart.

  “Phoenix, you got anything you want to talk about yet?”

  “There is nothing to say. He appeared; made me feel things I have never felt. Just as fast, he disappeared and that’s that. I mean I know it’s crazy, right? I don’t know him and I’m acting like we have been together forever. But I felt something. I swear he did too, but I guess not.”

  I see the pity starting and I will say it again… I abhor pity. It is the single most offensive emotion a person can feel for another. I will not stick around for it, especially not from my own family. I decide to leave. She must read my face because in the next breath she turns it all around.

  “Hey, I know what will cheer you up. You’re going to be an Aunt again in about 6 months.”

  I am so happy I could bust. I would love to have a little baby around to bring some much-needed happiness along with the joy Tony already brings. “OMG. Fae, really?!?” I am literally jumping up and down. I want to dance or spin around, anything to show my excitement. I am so happy for her. She deserves this and then some.

  “What’s going on here?”


  Spinning around, I see my brother-in-law Ren walk into the room. Taking a good look at him, I can see how my sister lost her head the first time she met him. But it is equally evident that he loves her beyond measure.

  “I see you told her about our little surprise, huh.”

  “Yea. She needed to be cheered up.”

  “What? Why? Are you upset? Was it a guy? Should I pay him a visit?”

  Oh boy. Ren has taken it upon himself to be a surrogate big brother to my sisters and me. Since I spend more time here than with the others because I can’t seem to get enough of Tony, he has taken a more prevalent position as my protector. Though it is endearing, the last thing I need is any more protection of any kind.

  “No, Ren I’m ok. I just hope one day to have the love you and Fae have. You know.”

  Watching them hug and kiss is beautiful, but also painful. I don’t want to walk out but I do turn around. I can’t help in this moment but remember the way he kissed me. It was all consuming, and my body felt it. My body was on fire during, and for quite a bit after, that kiss. I was warm, wet, and all together, undone. I want it back. That feeling. The fleeting feeling of belonging to someone. I want it back.

  Calm down. Take a deep breath. One day at a time.

  Great! Now I’m talking to myself. Ren’s voice brings me back.

  “Babe, is everyone here already?”

  “Yea. Everyone except for Kea.”

  “Has anyone tried to call her and find out if she is ok?”

  “I did but it went straight to voicemail. I figured she was caught up with one of the kids at the free clinic.”

  I can see the worry on both of their faces. When they notice me watching, they school their features. That is another thing that makes me mad. Why does everyone act like I can’t handle anything? They act like I will break if I know one thing too many. Little do they know! I have been through stuff no one knows about. If they knew, they would be the ones to break. I could tell them things that would give them nightmares. Lord knows I have them. Although, in my case it’s not a nightmare so much as memories. But I’m still here.

  Fae looks at me like she is afraid I will start crying or something. I slightly produce a smile for her and that seems to be enough. She turns to Ren and says:

  “Ok. Ren can you grab the cake and walk it outside. I am going to get the candles, and then we are good to go.”

  “Of course, babe.”

  I walk out behind them. As soon as I see Tony and get ready to kiss him to death, the phone rings and the bottom plummets out of my stomach. I look up and see my brothers take off. Before he joins them, Jairo looks at us and we say, “Kea?” He nods his head and takes off. Shortly after, Ren leaves with them.

  I am unable to stop the floodgates from opening. In this moment, I need my sisters. I run to Fae and Quetzal comes. We just sit there huddled together, knowing that our worst fear has begun.

  “Daddy, why are we going in there? That is where the bad kids go. I have been good daddy. I promise. Why are we going in there?”

  “Phoenix, when you lie to me and disrespect the rules, that is not being good.”

  “Daddy I haven’t lied. I swear. I tell you the truth all the time. I don’t want to go in there. I don’t like the dark.”

  “Then tell me what I want to know Phoenix. Where is Fae? Where did your sister go? If you tell me now, then maybe I won’t put you in there. TELL ME!”

  “I really don’t know. When I went to sleep she was there. When we all woke up, she was gone. She really didn’t tell us anything. I am telling you the truth.”

  “Mmmm, that may be the truth little Phoenix, but since your sister isn’t here to receive her punishment for disobeying me, all of you will suffer one way or another. It is my will. Now get in the closet. The door will be locked and when I feel like letting you out someone will come to retrieve you.”

  “PLEASE DADDY NO. PLEASE. I WILL BE GOOD AGAIN I PROMISE. DADDY! DADDY PLEASE OPEN THE DOOR!”

  Oh God. I’m so scared. I don’t like being locked in here. I try so hard to be good. I know my dad is mean, but I never thought he would do this to me. Why did Fae leave us to deal with this? She really didn’t tell us anything. I am so mad at her right now. She left us here. Why didn’t she take us with her? We could have all left together. I must find a way out of h-here. I can’t b-breathe. The tears are clouding my eyes. I hate to cry more than anything. Every time I did, my brothers and sisters would treat me like a baby. Maybe if I bang someone will…I hear footsteps. Is he coming to get me now? I better sit down before he walks in here. I hear the lock click and get ready to jump up, but in walks someone I didn’t want to see.

  “Now what have we here. Hello little Phoenix. I have been waiting for you.

  “Ahhhhhh… no.”

  “Phoenix. Wake up bug. Come on baby girl. It’s just a dream baby. Wake up.”

  I hear her talking, but my brain won’t register what I am hearing is real. My body is shaking, sweating, and I feel like I want to wretch. I am suddenly stuck in that place all over again and I don’t know how to get out. It’s dark, quiet, and lonely. I didn’t know how long I would be in there. All I could do was cry. I cried for my mom. I even cried for my brothers, though they were already exiled and couldn’t help. I remember crying hysterically for a while, before finally stealing myself to try and get out on my own. That is when I heard the footsteps.

  Shit! Stop it, Phe. Snap out of it. You made it out and survived. Let it go girl. Huh. Easier said than done. I haven’t had these visions for a long time. I can’t bring myself to call them nightmares because it is not some fictitious thought I am having. This is a reality I lived through.

  Shaking myself out of it, I feel Q wipe my forehead. When I finally open my eyes and look at her, it kills me that she looks so worried about me. As I am about to tell her that I am fine, I remember; I remember Kea and now I feel panicked again.

  “Kea. Have you heard anything, Quetzal? Has anyone called you yet?”

  “No Phe. No one has said anything to me. Calm down.”

  “Have you tried calling them? I mean we must call and see what we can do. Kea is out there somewhere, and she needs us.”

  “Phoenix. Calm down. I know you’re freaked out, but you know as well as I do, they will not tell us anything until they think they should. The best thing we can do is to continue our regular routine. You know that is what she would want, and it will help to keep our minds occupied. Now, do you want to talk about your nightmare?”

  Ugh that is the last thing I want. However, I appreciate her concern, so I smile as best I can and shake my head.

  “OK. If you’re sure? I got to go get ready for work. If you need anything you know to call Fae or me. Are you going back to the dorm today?”

  I’m thinking about it. I know I should, but I don’t want to. With Kea missing, the incident at school and these strange feelings of being followed, I wouldn’t feel safe by myself.

  “If it’s ok with you, I would like to stay here maybe one more day?”

  “Phoenix, you are always welcome here and you know that. How many times have I offered for you to move in, but you refuse.”

  I begin to argue, and she cuts me off.

  “I get it. You’re trying to assert your independence and I am so proud of you. However; I need you to know, no one would think any less of you if you moved in with one of us. Just saying. My lips are sealed now. Love you. Have a great day. Be safe and I will see you when I get back tonight.”

  With that, she leaves. She is right. It will do no good to sit around all day pondering and thinking the worst. I don’t know why I refuse to move in with any of them. It just feels imperative I maintain my space this way.

  Anyway; it’s Sunday, and on Sundays I volunteer at The Children’s Hour. It is a non-for-profit day center for kids in the system. They get to come there for socialization, counseling, help with homework, or even to escape a not so great home situation. It is one of the few places I feel m
ore than adequate, and I am always happy to go there. I have a friend there and her name is Celeste. She is a riot, and the only person who doesn’t treat me like a little kid.

  With that thought; As I get up, to go to the bathroom my phone rings. Thinking that it might be news about Kea I jump for it. Ah, speak of the devil.

  “Celeste. What’s up girl? I was just getting up to get ready to head in.”

  “Yea that’s why I’m calling. There has been another threat on the Center, so they are telling us to go home. I figured since you were not already here, I would try to catch you before you left.”

  “Again. That is the third one this month. Do they have any idea who is doing this?”

  “Nope.” She says a bit to cheerily for me. That is usually her voice that means she is up to no good.

  “Although…” she says, “You want to go out tonight?”

  “No Celeste. Forget it. I do not want to go out tonight. I’m tired, stressed, and I have to get ready for finals.”

  “Phe, you never go out with us. You’re a young, vibrant woman and you need to experience life. What is one night going to hurt? Come on. We both know you are acing all your classes. One night out will not change that. So, what do you say?”

  Oh boy. Even though she is not in front of me, I can hear the pouty face she is giving me.

  The thing is, I have heard this before and usually ignore her and beg off. Today however; after everything, this strikes a different chord with me. When everything happened with Mikhail I vowed to change the way I live. I want to be more open, lively, and free. I want to have fun. Although I am destroyed about Kea, this might be just what I need to get my mind off it.

  “Ok Celeste. You win this one. I will go out with you tonight. Since I don’t have to come there, I can stay home and study now, call my sister and make sure she doesn’t need anything and then I will grab clothes, and meet at your place to get dressed together. Sound good?”

  “EEEEK…OMG I can’t believe it. I’m calling Ron, Jeff and oh I’m calling Jasper. He has been jonesing for you since the beginning of the semester. He would be pissed if he knew I finally got you out and he wasn’t invited. Wait… is it ok if I invite him? I totally won’t if you don’t want me to?”