His smile was boyish. ‘I’ve turned off their audio. I have some stuff to tell you. I’m trying to make it hard for you not to listen.’
‘Oh!’ she squeaked, warmth spreading inside her. Risking a glance around she saw the others all gazing raptly about them.
Ronan’s eyes roved constantly between the space around the helicopter, the ground, his instrument panel. And her. ‘Selina came back with us to England. We’ve all been living in my house.’
‘Oh.’ Leah’s stomach dipped as if the helicopter had hit an air pocket.
‘But in separate bedrooms, obviously, and straight back into the old routine of getting on each other’s nerves and trying not to let Curtis know. It’s taken a while for Curtis to come to terms with the fact that we’re not “together” but now he definitely has. He knows his mum’s talking to Darren about moving back in with him. Unfortunately, that’s the conversation that set him off on this adventure, thinking Selina had a plan to remove him from Orpington … See anything you recognise? Am I covering the right neighbourhood?’
Leah looked down again at the world in miniature, so intent on his relationship update that she’d almost forgotten they were up in the air. ‘Where the little lake is, that’s a park quite near Michele’s house. And over there’s Tesco’s and the retail area.’
‘Good.’ The engine note changed and their progress slowed. ‘It was a shock when Selina turned up in France. It was a shock when you shut me out. But it was seriously bloody painful when you left without saying goodbye and then ignored me when I tried to call or text.’
Guilt rose in Leah. ‘I shouldn’t have left like that. But I texted you to explain! Why didn’t you answer?’
He frowned across at her. ‘You didn’t text me. Not even once.’
‘I did but then something screwy happened–’
Michele’s hand came through from the back, tapping on Ronan’s seat. Michele pointed to her headset, mouthing, ‘Can’t hear you!’
‘Sorry,’ Ronan mouthed back. Then, to Leah, ‘Do you think you could ask your annoying sister to invite Curtis to her place for a few hours?’
Heart skipping, Leah nodded, and Ronan did something at his instrument panel and said, ‘Is that better, Michele?’
‘Yes, that’s it,’ she agreed over the headset. ‘We haven’t been able to hear you for ages.’
He smiled. ‘That’s OK. I haven’t been saying anything you needed to hear.’
Chapter Twenty-eight
When Michele was approached to entertain Curtis for a few hours she blew out her cheeks. ‘I don’t have much in for lunch.’ Then she glanced at Ronan’s expression and rushed to add, ‘But supermarkets are open on Sundays and I owe my sister a favour. Or twenty.’
Leah hugged her. ‘You could invite Alister and Jordan. Build a few bridges.’
Michele wrinkled her nose. But she did take everyone away in The Pig, leaving Leah to drive Ronan home.
He didn’t broach whatever was on his mind until they were inside her house. Then Leah found herself led firmly to her own sofa and fixed with Ronan’s darkly direct gaze. ‘If I’d received your text, I’d have answered. I’ve nearly worn the screen out looking for your messages. I never received a thing.’
‘Something happened.’ Leah had to swallow before she could explain how she’d received ‘number unobtainable’. Until suddenly she hadn’t. ‘It took Scott seconds to put me back in contact with you.’
Ronan’s gaze narrowed. He stared at her for several seconds before he asked, ‘By magic?’
Dolefully, she shrugged. Then, more honestly, ‘No, he knew what he was doing. I suppose it’s possible I’d inadvertently put a block on you and he just took it off but …’ She had to blink heat from her eyes when she thought of any other explanation.
His grunt was scornful. But then he looked into her face and drew her closer, holding her, making his body a safe place for her to rest. ‘When a friend lets you down it removes a layer of skin,’ he observed, softly. ‘Did you ask Scott for an explanation?’
She let her cheek lie against his warmth as she thought about confronting what she absolutely didn’t want to believe. ‘I didn’t get a chance – he left without telling me. He’s not answering at the moment.’
‘Let’s stop talking about other people.’ He scooped Leah up against him and kissed her.
‘Your shoulder –’ she protested.
‘– is fine, now. Mainly. Shall we talk about how we’re going to make things work?’
Leah’s breathing rate doubled. ‘Things?’
Shifting her around so that he could look into her face, he tangled his fingers her hair, teasing the strands apart, letting his hand brush her neck, her shoulder, her breast, his expression serious. ‘I think it’s more than chemistry overload between us, Leah. Borrowing a helicopter was a one-off but we’re just a couple of hours apart by road. I want us to be together. So if that’s not going to happen –’ he ran gentle fingertips along her jaw ‘– it’s because of you.’
Her eyes closed as tiny explosions of desire followed in the wake of his touch. ‘Because I’m no good at relationships.’
His hand fell away. ‘That is a huge heap of stinking horseshit.’
Leah’s eyes flew open again. ‘It is not!’ she retorted indignantly. ‘How the hell do you think I’ve got to thirty-five so incredibly single?’
‘So you’re an independent woman! You haven’t met the right man before. And Scott–!’ He glowered down at her.
‘It’s easy to blame Scott.’
‘Yes, it is, if he’s been messing with your phone. You should just be the woman you want to be. It’s your choice.’ Then he actually moved himself along the sofa, away from her.
‘But I am the woman I want to be. Single. Childfree. Always the bridesmaid and never the bride. Totally independent. By choice.’ Hadn’t he been paying attention?
His eyes were bleak. ‘You’re so caught up in declaring your independence that you’re actually not making choices at all. Maybe you should think less about what you think you should do and more about what you want to do. You’re just living up to an image of yourself you created years ago.’
‘I am not!’
‘Of course you are. So blindly sticking by Plan A that you won’t acknowledge that Plan B can be about development, not selling out. Aren’t you strong enough to realise that people change? Grow? If you don’t want to be a wife, fine! You also have the options of lover, girlfriend or partner.’
‘Maybe I’m too selfish,’ she tried, weakly, unable to cope with the ground shifting so abruptly beneath her. ‘Too self-orientated.’
‘Yeah, right,’ he scoffed, scrubbing a hand across his face. ‘Why do Natasha and Jordan adore you? Look at everything you did for your sister’s family this summer. Look at the way you pulled out the stops to keep Curtis safe. So far as he’s concerned you’d be a fantastic “my dad’s girlfriend”. In fact, I’m offering you that very position. We do have chemistry overload – I’m surprised my mirror didn’t melt the last time we got together.’ His gaze softened. ‘But it’s more than chemistry. I love you. You’re the one, Leah.’ He shifted closer but only to drop a kiss on her hair. ‘You need to think hard about everything we’ve just talked about. I’ll get a taxi to Michele’s and pick Curtis up, then go on to the airfield.’ He climbed to his feet.
‘Already?’ Leah scrambled up, giddy at his change of mood.
‘Things to do. I need to get Buzzair Three back, let my lad clear the air with my ex-wife and help her get the hell out of my house.’
‘I’ll drive you.’
‘No. Let’s make this quick and clean.’ He turned and dragged her into a big hard hug that felt as if it might be goodbye. His voice was muffled against her hair. ‘If it turns out that all we had was just for the holidays, I’ll never regret it. But I’ll always be angry and disappointed because it could be so much more. If you’d choose it.’
‘I can’t–’
‘Sw
eetheart, it’s not can’t, it’s won’t. If you don’t recognise the difference then nobody can explain it to you – you’ve got to work it out.’
He kissed her gently, slowly, and strode out of the house.
Chapter Twenty-nine
For the past two weeks Leah had had just about all the personal space she could wish for.
Scott had been completely silent. Leah hadn’t even known he was capable of it. None of their friends had seen him down at The Chequered Flag. Her messages had gone unanswered, including a sarcastic:
Leah: I’m not getting messages from you. Wonder if someone’s been messing with my phone?
In addition, Natasha’s visits had tailed off because Michele had agreed that she’d drive Natasha down to Orpington soon, which had sufficiently improved mother-daughter relations for Natasha to have less need for a bolthole.
Single, childfree woman gets her life back. Yay. Leah could eat what and when she wanted, go where she wanted and watch motorsport in total silence.
When the freedom had nearly driven her demented, and even Saturday qualifying for one of the last F1 races of the season had failed to hold her attention, she texted Ronan.
Leah: I understand Natasha wants to meet up with Curtis again. I might offer to bring her in a couple of weeks to save Michele the stress. x
Ronan: Fraud. You’re making excuses to do things you want to do instead of choosing them honestly. x
Leah: I’m helping my sister!
Ronan: Bullshit. You’re trying to avoid admitting anything I said is true, that it’s down to you to make a choice. I’m onto you. x
Ronan: PS But I still love you, if that helps the making of the choice. xxxxx
Ronan: PPS And I’m prepared to keep telling you I love you, even though I can’t help but notice you haven’t said it back. xxxxx
Ronan: PPPS NB Falling for someone against your will is hard to come to terms with. But it’s allowed. xxxxx
Another week passed, then it was Ronan’s turn to text first.
Ronan: Have you seen Scott? x
Leah: No. x
Ronan: Maybe you’re not the only one to avoid facing difficult situations. x
Leah: I am not!
Ronan: I don’t agree. xx
Unsettled and grumpy, Leah tramped to Michele’s house, kicking through fallen leaves with her hands shoved in her pockets and her heart in her comfortable AirWair boots.
She knocked and let herself into the kitchen, shouting hello. Jordan ambled in. ‘Hey, Leah, brought any chocolate?’
‘No, sorry.’ Leah gave him a hug instead.
‘Disappointing. Mum’s in the sitting room.’ Jordan pulled on a jacket, swung through the back door and was gone.
Glad that Jordan was at least visiting his mum, Leah wandered into the room at the front of the house and found Michele at the computer, arms folded on her baby bump as if it grew there as a convenient ledge to lean on. She glanced up. ‘How are you with spreadsheets?’
‘Crap.’ Leah dropped into an armchair.
‘I hate them.’ Michele pecked at the keyboard then paused to peer dubiously at the screen.
‘Jordan was here?’
A smile overcame Michele’s spreadsheet frowns. ‘We’re getting on better.’
‘I’m glad.’ Leah watched as her sister began to peck the keyboard again. After a minute she observed, ‘Lots of changes for you, this year.’
Michele blew out her cheeks. ‘You’re not kidding.’
Leah tried to sound casual. ‘Do you regret any of your choices?’
Swivelling her chair, Michele patted her tummy. ‘Baby Three’s more of an accident than a choice and much more good than bad. But I know some of my choices were rash and, unfortunately, other people have paid a price. Now I’m making sure that my decisions are more considered and I’m going forward with what I believe is called a “reimagined family” with a mixture of hope and regret.’
Leah mulled that over. ‘What’s your biggest regret? Upsetting the children? Losing Bailey?’
Grief fluttered briefly across Michele’s face. ‘It’s that I can’t see a way to have them all. Are you pondering the meaning of life?’ She turned back to her screen.
Leah heaved a sigh. ‘The meaning of my life, perhaps.’
‘Ah. I thought that might happen. Have you heard much from Ronan?’
‘Little bit.’
‘Is it enough?’
Leah climbed heavily to her feet. ‘That’s a big question. I’ll leave you to your spreadsheet.’
But Michele rose too and hugged Leah awkwardly around the big firm tummy that would one day emerge to be called something other than Baby Three. Another child for Michele to love. And Leah to love, too. ‘Because we’ve started talking about you instead of me? Leah, if you’ve still got choices it’s a blessing. Having no choices left? That’s when you know you’re in trouble. Even some of the choices you think you have turn out to have a sell-by date.’
‘We’re not talking about a cake!’
‘Cake or man … they don’t stay on the shelf forever. If you don’t grab them, someone else might.’
Leah removed her head from her own cloud of worries for a moment. ‘Are you trying to “grab” one?’
Michele gave a half-laugh. ‘Bailey will get over what’s happened and look elsewhere. Alister’s “seeing a lot of” a woman he met in the fracture clinic, did he tell you? I’ve only one choice I can live with at the moment – to be a single mum to my three children.’
Leah stepped blindly back into Michele’s hug, lost for words to encompass the enormity of how her sister must feel but admiring her for putting her kids first, born and unborn. The irritation she so often felt with Michele popped like a bubble as the arms she’d known all her life held her tight.
‘So make your choices while you can,’ Michele whispered, before she stood back to let Leah leave.
Stepping out of Michele’s house, Leah fastened her coat against the gusts, turning over in her mind all that Michele had told her, not knowing whether to be glad or sorry that Alister was dating again. He was a good man and deserved some happiness but it snuffed out any spark of hope that he and Michele might one day get back together despite Baby Three.
Bailey seemed as if he might be a greater source of grief, always in contact with Michele as the dad of Baby Three but moving on to new loves, maybe getting married. Bettsbrough was a small town with only a couple of senior schools. If Bailey had more children they could one day be in Michele’s class!
She trudged aimlessly around the streets, burrowing into her coat against the early November chill, unable to think of any way to help Michele’s situation.
Her mind slid inexorably back to her own.
What she wanted. What she didn’t want. What she could have. What she couldn’t have. What she’d give up if she had to. And what she never could.
She halted to gaze at the streets she’d known all her life. Safe. Familiar. ‘This is a moment of truth,’ she told the trees that lined the pavements, while they tossed their heads as if forced against their will to listen. ‘Was it just for the holidays?’
It was another half-hour’s trudging before Leah arrived outside the red-brick block where Scott had his apartment. She buzzed the intercom and he answered, almost to her surprise. But there was no camera facility to his entry system and she supposed he wouldn’t have been expecting her.
‘Ready to talk?’
A long hesitation, then the intercom buzzed and the heavy front door clicked undone.
He met her at the door to his flat wearing an expression that was a mixture of uncertainty and bravado. ‘Long time no see.’
‘Whose fault’s that?’ She followed him into the apartment that was almost as familiar as her own house, the untidy sitting room and his ‘man chair’ with the TV remote on one arm and a mug of coffee on the other.
‘Been busy,’ he offered unconvincingly.
Leah didn’t sit down. Her stomach was jumpi
ng as it did when waiting for bad news. ‘I need you to explain why I couldn’t get in touch with Ronan on my phone when I left France. Then you did something to my phone and suddenly I could.’
He gave a big, put-on shrug and a wide wobbly smile. ‘Technology, eh?’
‘Technology is operated by humans.’
Five seconds passed. Ten. Then Scott deflated before Leah’s eyes, sinking into his chair, every line of his face drooping with misery. ‘I know your pass code so I changed Ronan’s phone number and email addy in your contacts. I blocked him from ringing you, too.’ His throat worked as he swallowed.
Shock shimmered through her, even though she’d known it must be something like this. It was hard to absorb the words falling reluctantly from Scott’s mouth. ‘Why?’
‘I thought it was best for you to make a clean break. I didn’t want him to be able to cause you more grief. I’m sorry, Leah.’ He wiped an eye. ‘Don’t hate me. I just wanted you not to be hurt any more.’
She took in a steadying breath, feeling sick that Scott, supposedly her best friend, could do something like this. ‘If you hadn’t happened to be here when Curtis showed up I wouldn’t have known how to get Ronan and something bad could have happened. But, that aside, don’t you know anything about me? You cannot run my life! Ever. Ever. EVER. Friends don’t make each other’s decisions. How dare you try and manipulate me and pretend it’s for my sake?’
A long aching silence drew out. Leah’s mind ran up the paths of logic his confession opened up. She could hardly bring herself to ask the next question because the answer might hurt too much. ‘Did you do that with Tommy, too?’
‘The trick’s to transpose just a couple of characters, so it’s not obvious,’ Scott prevaricated.
She swallowed. ‘Is that a yes?’
He surged to his feet, red-faced. ‘Tommy was an arse! I wanted to stop him being so sleazy with you. When you thought you might be pregnant –’ he paused to blow his nose ‘– I was waiting for my opportunity to change it back, but then you weren’t, so …’
Leah sweated through a fresh wave of nausea. ‘So you felt justified in deciding that I shouldn’t contact Tommy again? Or Ronan? In making my decisions? Meddling? Interfering? Controlling?’
Just for the Holidays Page 30