She must have been calling for me and Kit back in the yard to help her with Beavis, I think with a stab. She did the right thing, but nobody came.
‘I’m so sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me,’ I tell her, smoothing away the matted hair that is stuck to her wet cheeks. ‘I promise that will never happen again – not ever.’ And I mean it, too, even if I have no clue how I can keep the promise. If Bonnie decides that she doesn’t want me in her life, how can I remain in Tui’s?
‘Uh-huh.’ Tui starts biting one of her fingernails, then, as if noticing Ekara for the first time, she says in surprise, ‘That’s Allie’s horse.’
‘I thought you wanted me to ride her,’ I say with a grin.
Tui looks at me with bemusement.
‘You forgot your hat,’ she states, bellowing with unnaturally forced laughter as I put a hand on my head and feign shock.
‘So I have,’ I exclaim, untucking my T-shirt so I can use it to wipe my face. At least my nose has stopped bleeding. ‘Silly me!’
‘Silly Genie,’ Tui crows with delight, rocking from one foot to the other. She clearly didn’t have time to change for our planned ride, because she is dressed in shorts and her Snoopy T-shirt, and I wince as I see the red weals on her bare thighs from where Keith’s saddle must have rubbed.
‘How about we walk back to the yard?’ I suggest, but she nods her head in furious disagreement, moaning loudly.
‘B-B-Beeea,’ she croons, her voice cracking as she remembers that her dog is missing.
‘Beavis!’ I call, my voice far louder than hers. Getting Tui back to the stables without him is going to be difficult, if not impossible, and I also have two horses to think about.
‘Can you wait here and be in charge of Keith and Ekara?’ I ask Tui, offering her both sets of reins. She looks unsure, so I put a hand on her shoulder.
‘I’m going to look for Beavis,’ I explain. ‘But I won’t go far – just over there, see?’
I point into the distance, to where the river hurtles around a bend obscured by large, grey rocks, and Tui eyes me distrustfully, before slowly shaking her head.
‘OK,’ she says, but I can sense her reluctance. I am loath to leave her, but there is no other choice. She is safer on the ground than on horseback, and if I hurry, I can scour most of this area within half an hour or so.
‘I’ll be back soon,’ I assure her. ‘You can let the horses eat the grass if you like.’
She watches me go, and I turn to look back at her as I make my way along the edge of the water, watching her dear little form shrink the further I go. Now that I have found her, I feel like I can breathe again, but I’m conscious of how frantic a pursuing Kit must be. Even if he runs all the way here, it will take him at least another twenty minutes, and that could be too late for Beavis if he is trapped or in trouble. The sooner I can locate the dog and get him, the horses, and Tui back to the stables, the better.
I am calling Beavis’s name so incessantly that I fail to hear his little bark at first, only making it out when I spot him on the opposite side of the river. The water here is just as fast-flowing and looks deep, but in his excitement at seeing a familiar face, Beavis doesn’t even hesitate. Picking his way almost daintily over the white stones, I watch in mounting horror as he lowers his little pink nose to sniff the water, and then promptly jumps in and goes under.
‘BEAVIS!’ I yell, hurrying so fast down the bank that I slip right over and tumble down through a sticky mix of mud, clay and rotten tree roots. Clambering to my feet, I race along to where the current has swept the puppy, his little black nose just visible as he frantically tries to swim across to me.
Just as I didn’t stop to think before vaulting on to Ekara in the yard, I don’t give myself time to reconsider my actions now, and start to wade out into the water. It’s so cold that I catch my breath in a shocked yelp, but I can see Beavis struggling only a few metres away now. I must reach him – I must not let Tui lose the animal she cares about most. I know how it feels, and it is a loss I will not let her bear – not while I can do something about it.
‘Come on, little one,’ I call encouragingly over the roar of the river. Water pummels against my legs, knocking them out from under me and rushing into my eyes and down my throat. Using a superhuman strength that I didn’t know I possessed, I fight the current and manage to stand up again, but now I realise in horror that I can’t see Beavis anywhere.
Holding my nose, I duck down under the water, keeping my eyes open and desperately searching around for any sign of him. It’s impossible to see anything, but again I go under, clutching a tree root to balance and feeling around with my free hand, grabbing at loose stones, twigs, sticks, anything that could be the leg or tail of a little dog.
‘Beavis!’ I cry, wading further out into the river. I’m just about to submerge myself yet again when I hear a shout and turn, catching my ankle between two rocks as I do so and falling down heavily on my side.
I have lost the tree root, the water is rushing over me, I can feel myself moving but I can’t stop, I can’t see, I can’t breathe. Opening my mouth to scream, I choke as the river floods in. My chest burns in protest and my eyes sting. I am going to die here, I think numbly, and again it is Tui’s face that I see.
I can’t let this happen – I can’t be someone who breaks their promise to her.
‘Help!’ I shriek, raising a hand above the surface, and somehow, another hand is there to grasp mine – a hand that is strong and dry and warm. A hand that is steadying me against the bottom of the river, and sliding down to cradle my elbow, and now the underside of my arm. With a great bellow, the owner of the hand pulls me up out of the water, then a second hand is wrapping around my other arm, and I’m being half lifted and half dragged out of the river, up on to the muddy bank, where I roll on to my back and frantically gasp in the air.
‘Genie!’ Kit is bending over me, his face an inch from my own. ‘Genie, can you hear me? Say something.’
‘Beavis,’ I croak, coughing up more water. Rolling me briskly over on to my side, Kit pats hard on my back until there is no more water to cough up.
‘I need to get Beavis,’ I say again, trying to get back to my feet, but Kit pushes me gently down.
‘You mean this Beavis?’ he asks, pointing up the bank to where an inquisitive furry brown face is watching us both with interest.
‘He got out?’ I cry. ‘Oh, thank God for that.’
‘Sod the bloody dog!’ Kit looks amused. ‘Are you sure you’re all right?’
‘I think so,’ I say, looking down at myself. My clothes are soaked through and clinging to me, there are scratches all over my arms and legs and a nasty gash on my ankle, but other than that, I seem to have survived.
‘Oh,’ I say, when I lift both my hands to check for damage.
‘What?’ Kit turns them over in his own, searching for wounds.
‘My ring,’ I say. ‘It must have fallen off.’
Kit checks the ground around us, his mouth set.
‘I can’t see anything,’ he says. ‘Was it expensive?’
‘It’s not that,’ I say, taking a breath. ‘It was my mother’s.’
‘Ah, shit.’ Kit crouches down on his haunches. ‘I’m really sorry.’
‘That’s OK,’ I say weakly. ‘It’s only a ring – I’ll get over it.’
Kit helps me to my feet, and we walk back to where an overjoyed Tui has been reunited with Beavis. I can’t seem to stop shaking, and after helping Tui back up on to Keith’s saddle, Kit removes his shirt and wraps it around my shoulders.
‘You don’t have to,’ I argue feebly, only to be silenced by the sight of his bronzed and muscular torso. The tattoos that start on both his arms extend right across his chest, to where an image of an eagle stands proud and noble, just like Kit is now.
‘Aaaah, hunky Kit. You hunky man,’ announces Tui, looking at me with great amusement. The only thing to do is to laugh. Kit joins in, too, and Tui cackles with trademark
abandon. She has been allowed to carry Beavis up on Keith’s back, while Kit and I lead both him and Ekara, and as the six of us make our slow way back towards the stables, she keeps lifting him up and kissing the end of his nose. Seeing her happy and safe is worth every single thing I have just endured. I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.
Neither Kit nor I say much to each other, but every time I look across at him, our eyes meet. There is so much I need to tell him, about who I am and why I’m really here, but for now it is enough to simply relish this moment with the two of them, the half-sister I didn’t even know I had, and the man I didn’t even know I needed. Because the truth is, I have grown to need Kit – it is time to stop pretending that I don’t.
When the slate-tiled tops of the stable buildings finally come into view up ahead, I am weary with fatigue. The ride and the river have stripped me of energy, and all I want to do now is find a soft bed somewhere and lie down. Perhaps I will curl up like a cat in the loft of the barn, rest my head on a bale of hay and sleep, secure in the knowledge that my sister is safe and back where she belongs.
‘Mummy!’
Tui has shot right up in her stirrups, holding Beavis tight under one arm and waving the other energetically from side to side.
‘Mummy! Mummy, look at me – I’m riding. Mummy!’
A woman is standing at the far end of the long driveway, her black hair shining in the dipping light of the sun. She had raised a hand to wave back at her daughter, but seeing me, she lets it drop. My legs are still propelling me forwards, but I can’t feel them. My knuckles are white on Ekara’s reins.
Bonnie takes a step towards us, but as she moves, a man comes into view behind her, shielding his eyes from the sun with a hand. I can see the glint of his glasses, the smooth sheen of his bald head, the familiar slant of his shoulders.
The two of them wait together side by side, and somehow, I continue to walk. I try to draw strength from Tui and Kit, but the truth is, I am in this alone. The secret is out, and everything that I have built since I got here is about to fall into disarray.
David is smiling at me, but Bonnie remains still, as if she cannot quite believe that I am here.
As we reach them, I open my mouth, determined to be the first to speak, but my birth mother beats me to it.
‘Hey,’ she says, her smile untethering as I return her gaze. ‘It’s nice to see you.’
‘And me, Mummy!’ interrupts Tui.
Bonnie softens as she glances from her first to her second born, then she looks back at me. Her eyes are so like my own, the same bright blue as the ever-reaching sky above us, the colour of possibility, and of hope, of everything I have come to believe since I arrived here.
‘Yes, Tui darling,’ she agrees. ‘I’ve been waiting a long time to see you both.’
40
Before I can turn the hopeless jumble of emotions inside me into coherent words to use in reply to Bonnie, Kit has reached across to take Ekara’s reins from me, and Tui has slid untidily off Keith’s back to fling herself into her mother’s arms.
‘Mummy, oh Mummy!’ she cries, covering Bonnie’s face with kisses. ‘Where have you been, Mummy? I missed you. Did you bring me lots of presents and surprises?’
Bonnie hugs her tightly, unfettered happiness creasing her face. I hardly dare look at her, but I also can’t seem to drag away my eyes. I am acutely aware of David standing to one side, awkward discomfort radiating off him in waves, and wish that he would say something – anything to make this situation less weird. Feeling desperate, I turn towards Kit, who has folded his big arms across his bare chest and is peering at my adoptive dad with friendly intrigue.
Mumbling something about needing to clean myself up, I begin to move away, only to feel a hand on my arm.
‘Wait,’ says Bonnie, her confidence wavering when I don’t return her proffered smile. ‘Please don’t run away before we have a chance to talk.’
‘OK,’ I croak, stepping out of her grasp. My limbs feel stiff. David falls in beside me as we all begin walking slowly towards the yard and starts saying something jolly about how much he likes my hair, but I barely register his words. While I am glad to see him and relieved that he is OK, I can’t deal with him being kind to me – I’m only just holding it together as it is. All I want to do is collapse against my dad and beg him to make it all go away, but I also want to know how he came to be here in the first place. Did he come with Bonnie, or is it purely a coincidence? And if it is the former, why didn’t he warn me? Why did he disappear and not reply to any of my messages, knowing how much it would worry me?
Despite the solid heat of the day, my teeth begin to chatter, and I wrap my arms around myself, trying to draw warmth from Kit’s huge shirt. Everything is going to change again, I think despondently. Bonnie might be curious now, but once she’s met me properly and satisfied her curiosity, she may not like the idea of me hanging around, taking up space in her life. I will probably have little choice but to return home to England and never see Tui – or Kit – again.
David and I reach the office first, and I sit wordlessly down on the threadbare yellow sofa, my hands knotted together and my shuddering jaw set. I can hear Tui reeling off details of her adventure outside, informing Bonnie importantly that she remembered how to do a rising trot, even when Keith started ‘running really fast’. It would be adorable in any other circumstances, but as it is, I can’t even conjure up a smile. My mother is on the other side of that door – the woman who gave me away. I keep waiting for the age-old resentment to engulf me, hold me in a tight-chested grip as it always used to, whenever I thought about her and what she had chosen to do. There is nothing inside me now, though – not so much as a murmur.
David shifts from one foot to the other on the concrete floor, and I stare hard at his pale, hairy shins, unable and unwilling to meet his beseeching gaze. It’s agonisingly reminiscent of our behaviour in the waiting room we were shunted into at the hospital on that cold Christmas Eve. David had got there before me, but he was too poleaxed by shock to offer me any comfort or reassurance when I arrived, and the two of us circled one another instead, each one wary of tipping the other over into the abyss. When the doctor had finally joined us and relayed in a calm, sympathetic manner that the news was not good, she was the one – not my adoptive father – who had caught me in her arms when I collapsed to the ground.
After what feels like hours, but can only be a few minutes, I hear Bonnie telling Tui to go with Kit, reassuring her daughter that she won’t be long. The door creaks open, and I take a deep breath, forcing myself to look up as she comes into the room.
Bonnie is taller and slimmer than me, but our dark hair is the same, as are our determined chins. She is wearing faded jeans tucked into brown boots and a green plaid shirt with a Koru Stables logo on the breast pocket, and while the bags under her eyes hint at tiredness, there is an ease to the way she moves fluidly into the office, her hands going straight to the kettle. This is her space, of course. Her home – the place where she feels the safest and the most self-assured. I recognise it, because I have grown to feel the same way.
‘Shall we start with a brew?’ she checks, and David replies with an eager ‘please’. When I say nothing, Bonnie looks over her shoulder.
‘Would you prefer coffee?’ she asks, as if I am simply a tourist who came a cropper while out on one of her horses. How can she be so relaxed? How can she even be thinking about whether I want tea or coffee to drink? I shake my head in irritation, then, taking Bonnie, David and myself by surprise, I get abruptly to my feet.
‘I need to wash my face,’ I mutter. ‘Back in a sec.’
Pulling the door shut behind me, I run across the yard, aiming blindly for the hay barn, and once inside, clamber over the bales until I reach the wooden rafters right at the top.
I still feel cold all over and my hair is matted with river water. The scratches I got from all the brambles and stones are stinging, but there is a far worse pain coming from deep
inside, from where my anxious heart is smashing against my chest. The enormity of it all is raining down on me – the desperate race through the undergrowth, the leap into the river, Kit’s arms hauling me out, the sight of my mum, and of David. My throat closes up and I start to gasp. It’s as if I’m underneath the water again, but this time it’s a current of pure panic dragging me down, twisting me around and around in the dark. Black spots swirl in front of my eyes, and I fall backwards against the scratchy hay, letting out a muffled cry of fear.
‘B-B-Beeeea!’ sings a voice, and the next thing I am aware of is a rough, dry tongue licking me all over my face. Opening my eyes, I find Beavis standing on my chest, his little head cocked to one side with concern, his tail wagging with excitement at having found me. Taking a very deep breath in through my nose, I exhale it out through my mouth and sit slowly back up just as Tui’s face appears below me.
‘Beeeeea!’ she says with a giggle. ‘Where did you go to, Bea? Don’t you run away now.’
‘I think he came to find me,’ I tell her. ‘Returning the favour, perhaps.’
Tui frowns, not understanding, then crawls across on all fours to sit beside me.
‘Are you feeling OK after your big adventure?’ I ask, and she shakes her head happily from side to side.
‘Yes, Genie,’ she trills. ‘I got lost, didn’t I?’
‘You worried me, running off like that,’ I tell her. ‘You know how scary it is when Beavis runs away and you don’t know where he is?’
Genie shakes her head, her eyes solemn.
‘Well, that’s how I felt when I couldn’t find you – I was scared.’
‘Sorry.’ Tui looks at me through lashes that are lowered by shame. ‘I won’t do it again, OK?’
‘OK.’ I grin to perk her up. ‘Do you promise?’
‘Yes, jeez!’ she exclaims in a high-pitched screech, making me laugh. This girl never fails to gild even my gloomiest clouds with silver.
Beavis is busily licking his mistress’s feet now, which I have just noticed are bare.
One Winter Morning Page 23