by Ivy Smoak
"Because I want what's best for you."
Before I even realized what was happening, I had slapped him hard across the face.
He looked shocked. And pissed. God, he looked so pissed. But he didn't get to be upset with me. He was the one that pushed me away. He was the one that wouldn't hear me out.
"What's best for me? How would you know what's best for me if you don't listen to me, James?" I poked him hard in the middle of the chest. "When you prefer to listen to your ex-wife instead?" I poked him again. "What's best for me certainly isn't hearing that I'm ugly on the inside. That you only ever wanted me for sex." I poked him again. "That you never loved me!" I was choking on my words.
"Penny..."
"How could you say that to me? How could you not listen to what I had to say? You never hear me, James. You never listen."
"I'm sorry. You know I didn't mean any of that. I was upset. I thought...I thought you were leaving me."
"That doesn't take it back. That doesn't undo all the hurtful things you said. All the lies..."
"I never lied to you!"
"You loved Isabella, James! I saw the notes. Every intimate detail. You talked about how excited you were to marry her. And how much you wanted children with her."
He ran his hand through his wet hair. "You don't understand."
"Then help me understand. Talk to me. Stop cutting me out of your life. Stop hiding from me!"
He lowered both his eyebrows and looked toward the coffee shop. "You're soaked. We should get out of the rain."
I wanted to slap him again. "We need to talk, James. Now. Somewhere more private than that."
He nodded. There was so much pain in his eyes, and it made me wonder if there was something else he had hidden from me. "Okay."
We both stood there awkwardly for a moment, watching each other in the rain. I wanted him to put his arms around me. I wanted him to kiss me like nothing was wrong. But I needed to know the truth and so did he. We needed to figure this out. We had to. I folded my arms across my chest.
"Where's your ring?" His eyes were locked on my naked hand.
"I left it with Rob."
"Baby..." his voice trailed off. "Please don't leave me. Please, I can't live without you." This time when he stepped toward me, I didn't push him away. I'd never leave him. The only reason I had walked out was to make sure he didn't. Because he was drunk. I didn't want him to get hurt. He needed to know that I wasn't going anywhere. So I let him put his hands on me. I let him kiss me, softly at first and then more savagely. I let myself get lost in the kiss because I needed it too. I needed to know that what we had wasn't a lie. And that maybe we could go back. Maybe we didn't have to be over. This time I didn't push him away when his palm slipped up the back of my shirt or his fingers tugged on my hair. He pulled me tightly against him. I knew he was trying to forget. I wanted to forget too. But we couldn't do that. We had to talk about what had happened. I lightly touched his chest.
"Tell me I'm not too late," he sighed. "Tell me I can fix this." His hand cupped the side of my face.
"We can fix it. But I need you to tell me everything, James. You have to let me in."
Chapter 4
Friday
James slid an access card into the scanner outside the elevator. I didn't ask him why he still had a key to this apartment. Whether or not he paid for Rob's place wasn't what I cared about. I kept my arms folded in front of my chest and stepped onto the elevator as soon as the doors parted. James leaned against the opposite side of the elevator with that wanting look on his face. He had given me the same look when I refused to hold his hand on the way back here. I loved him, but we weren't okay. He needed to understand that. If I gave into him, we'd never talk. We'd never get past this. And I needed to get past this.
The elevator stopped and James pressed in the code. The doors slid open.
Rob came running over to the elevator. He slid across the marble due to the socks he was wearing and skidded to a stop. "Hey. I'm glad you guys decided to talk. I may or may not have been spying on you from the window." He gave me a wink.
I wanted to laugh. I knew he was trying to cheer me up, but I didn't feel like laughing. I gave him a weak smile instead.
"So, are you two okay now?" he asked.
I glanced over at James. He stayed silent and so did I. He was staring at my hand where my ring had once sat.
"Rob, do you have my ring?"
"Um...yeah." He gave James a weird look and walked over to the kitchen. My ring was still sitting on the kitchen counter. "Right here." He picked it up.
I walked over to him and took it from his hand. James seemed to be focused on this one thing. If he was going to open up to me, I needed him to be focused on me and not my hand. I slid the ring back on my finger.
"So, you're good?" Rob asked.
"We have a lot to talk about."
"Okay, well, you guys are soaked. I folded your dress and put it on the bed in the first guest room. I was hoping you'd be back." He gave my shoulder a reassuring squeeze. "James," he said as he stepped away from me, "want to borrow something?"
"Yeah, that would be great." James didn't take his eyes off me as he followed Rob to his bedroom. It was as if he thought I was going to run away again. Did he not remember last night? I didn't run, he forced me to leave.
I walked through the dining area and living room and opened the door to the hallway. This part of the apartment looked the same as when James had lived here. I opened up the door to the first guest room. My dress was folded neatly on the foot of the bed. My bra and thong were sitting next to it. I tried not to think about how awkward that was as I changed back into the clothes I had come in. My shoes were sitting next to the bed, but I had no desire to wear high heels right now.
I walked back into the kitchen just as James and Rob were coming out of the master bedroom. Rob was shorter than James and apparently wore different sized clothes. The tight t-shirt clung to every single one of James' muscles. I quickly moved my eyes back to his face. I wasn't going to be the one that led us astray during our conversation. James and I had always seemed to communicate best with our bodies. And it chilled me to think that that was all he wanted from me. We needed to have a serious conversation. No touching would be involved in that.
"So..." Rob let his voice fade away. "Is now a good time to tell you that I slept with Penny last night?"
I knew he was just trying to lighten the mood, but I seriously wanted to kill him.
James lowered both his eyebrows. "I swear to God, Rob, if you so much as..."
"I'm just kidding, man." Rob put his hands up in the air to show his innocence. "We fell asleep together on the couch. Nothing actually happened except for some light snuggling. Lighten up." He punched James' shoulder.
James looked down at his shoulder and then back at Rob. "Can we maybe have some privacy?"
"Um, yeah. I just talked to Mason before you got here to let him know you were okay. And it sounded like he needed some help with the decorations for the rehearsal dinner tonight. He clearly has no idea what he's doing."
James had called off our wedding. That meant there was no rehearsal or rehearsal dinner tonight. There was nothing to decorate for. I glanced up at James. Had he not told Rob?
I turned back to Rob. "Rob, I don't know if..."
"You'll be back to New York in time?" Rob said. He glanced at the time on the oven. "The rehearsal doesn't start until 6. You have plenty of time. Bee's going to come help too, I'm sure we'll need a woman's touch. But we'll have it all done in time, I promise."
I pressed my lips together. Why was I being forced to break the news to Rob? This wasn't what I wanted. But James wasn't stepping in. "There's no reason to decorate," I said.
Rob laughed. "Why? You're still getting married, right?"
"We haven't..."
"Yes," James said, cutting me off.
I let myself glance at him. He was staring at me so intently. I wanted to marry the man he was before last
night. The man who loved me unconditionally, who trusted me. I wasn't sure if that man even existed. It felt like I didn't know him at all.
James turned to his brother. "That would be great if you helped Mason out. We'll be there before it starts."
"Okay, well, that's probably my cue. I'll leave you two alone to talk. And I'll see you both tonight." The way he said it made it seem like he had no doubt that what he said was true.
"Thanks," James said.
I kind of wished Rob was staying. It was like he sucked any last remaining joy out with him as he stepped onto the elevator. He gave me a small smile and a wave as the doors closed.
As soon as we were alone, James put his hand on my shoulder.
"You know that I didn't mean anything I said last night. Penny, you have to know that."
"Then why did you say it?"
"Because you hurt me. You betrayed my trust. I thought..."
"I didn't. You just weren't listening."
"You must understand how it looked."
"Of course I do. But I also expect you to believe me instead of your ex, James. Do you have any idea how that made me feel?"
"Probably the same way it made me feel when I thought you were running away with Tyler." He let go of my shoulder and ran his hand through his hair. "Can we please just move past this? Let's just forget last night ever happened."
"No, James. I want to talk about this. From the beginning."
"The beginning? There's nothing to talk about. We both just jumped to conclusions..."
"My conclusions were very meticulously planned by your psychopath of an ex-wife."
He sighed. "Psychopath? Penny, that's..."
"Stop, okay? Would you just listen to me for two seconds? You have no idea what that bitch put me through. Put us through. Just hear me out, okay?"
He shrugged his shoulders. "Okay. I'm listening." He sat down at one of the stools at the kitchen counter and stared up at me.
I finally had his undivided attention. I sat down too, leaving one stool in between us. He was going to listen to everything I had to say. He had to. "When you left for your bachelor party, Isabella started sending me stuff. Envelopes full of pictures of you and Rachel hugging and of you and Isabella kissing. There were notes about how you'd never love me as much as you loved Rachel and how your addiction problem is a sickness and you can't control yourself. She knew how to get in my head. She must have known you were away and that I couldn't talk to you. And I was fighting with Melissa. I just...I'd never felt so alone."
"Why didn't you tell me when I got back?" He moved to the stool that had separated us before. "Baby, I would have listened to you."
"Why? Because I could show you the evidence?"
He frowned. "Penny, I said I was sorry. I don't know what else you want me to say." He put his hand on my knee.
"Don't touch me." I knew I was being dramatic, but I needed us to talk. "Please don't touch me. Let me just finish what I have to say."
He removed his hand. His silence made it seem like he wanted me to keep going.
"She sent me a box full of notes that you wrote her. Love letters. All about how Isabella was the love of your life. And that you dreamed about marrying her your whole life. You talked about how no one understood you better than her. How much you missed her when you were apart, and how beautiful she was. You talked about being ready to have children with her. And that you thought she'd be a great mother. I read them all James."
I thought he might jump in here, but he just looked down at his hands, which were clasped together on his lap.
"Isabella left a note on the box about how your love is as fleeting as your addictions. And that you were just trying to escape your reality by being with me. Because you're addicted to me."
I waited again, wondering if he'd say anything about that. He continued to look down at his hands.
"The last envelope I got was pictures of you fucking some girl. Isabella made it seem like it was from your bachelor party. I mean, she didn't say it was, but with everything else she had sent...I was doubting whether you even liked me, let alone love me. It seemed like you didn't care about me at all. She was so in my head, I don't even think I was thinking clearly anymore. I just felt so alone.
"When you came back from your bachelor party, you didn't seem guilty though. I could tell you genuinely missed me. And I thought I should let it go. Isabella was clearly just messing with me. I knew she was trying to get under my skin. I talked to Rob and he said you were just by the pool all weekend. I wanted to believe him. I wanted to believe you. And honestly, you kept talking about how you thought she had changed and how nice she had been recently. I didn't even think you'd believe me."
He continued to look down at his hands.
"I think she thought that would ruin us. But it didn't. I thought it was over. I thought we had won. But then yesterday, she sent me a message about wiring her 20 million dollars or she'd leak the photos of me and Tyler and me at my bachelorette party. I ignored it. I was done playing her games. And those photos didn't mean anything. Tyler was comforting me when I couldn't get a hold of you. He asked Melissa to be his girlfriend right after that lunch. And my friends just made me do stupid stuff at my bachelorette party. For the record, I wanted to stay in and watch a movie."
He nodded his head, but he still didn't look up at me.
"When I didn't reply to Isabella, she forwarded me pictures of you and me having sex in your office. She must have put a camera in there when she kissed you or something. I don't know. Either way, she said she'd leak them to tabloids if I didn't wire her the money. And she gave me her bank account number.
"I had already ruined your teaching career. I didn't want to be the reason you were part of a scandal again. My first thought was to tell you. I went to your office and was about to open the door when she texted me. She said if I went to you, she'd leak the photos. She was watching me, listening to me. I didn't have a choice. I was trying to protect you. So I did what she said. I had no idea the money was going into Tyler's account. James, I didn't know.
"And before I went home, she said I couldn't tell you she was involved or she'd leak the photos. That's why I just said we were being blackmailed. I couldn't tell you by who. I see now how stupid I was. That those photos weren't as important as you. I never meant to hurt you. I was just trying to protect you."
James didn't say anything. But he slowly lifted his head. He stared at me like he was seeing me for the first time.
"When you kicked me out, I didn't have anywhere to go. All I could think about was how much I loved you. I couldn't stand the thought of you going back to Isabella, because she's not good for you. You need someone who supports you and loves you and sees how great you are, even when you can't see it." Now I looked away from him. "So I went to your parents' house. Isabella never said I couldn't tell them. I told them everything. I showed them the text messages. Your father found this camera sticker thing on my phone. I think Austin put it there in the bar. Isabella really had been watching and listening to me. Your parents said they'd take care of it. I thought they would have called you. But I guess I did tell them that we had broken up. I think your mom seemed kind of relieved about that.
"Rob found me after that, walking back to the city. He agreed to take me back here. You asked me to disappear. I just...I needed to be near you. This was the best I could do. And I feel so dumb, because you were right about Tyler. You weren't wrong to jump to the conclusions you did."
James' back seemed to stiffen.
"Not about me wanting to run away with him. I don't love him, you have to know that. But he did still like me. We talked this morning and I told him I'd always love you. Even if you didn't want to be with me anymore. He's moving out of New York. He said he couldn't be just my friend anymore. I think that's probably for the best. You don't have to worry about him stealing me away now. I officially lost the last friend that was just mine.
"You were wrong about everything else though, James. And
the things you said...they hurt me. Especially how I came from nothing. I didn't come from nothing. I didn't need saving. I never asked you to give me anything." I put my hand on his knee. "But I feel like I'm nothing without you."
He stood up, letting my hand fall from his knee. "I..." he let his voice trail off as he put his fingers through his hair. "You're not nothing without me. You're everything to me. Baby..." his voice trailed off and he took a step toward me. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. Please let me touch you. I need to touch you. I need to know we're okay. It's the only way I know we're okay."
"James, what are you talking about? What we're doing right now is going to show us that we're okay. We need to communicate. Having sex isn't going to fix anything. Why can't we just talk this out?"
"Because I'm addicted to you!" He put the back of his hand over his mouth and shook his head. "I lied. I didn't mean to. I thought I was better. But I'm sick. Isabella was right. I'm sick. Penny...I'll always be sick."
"You're not sick." I thought about what Rob had said to me last night. "James, you're not addicted to me. You're devoted to me."
He shook his head. "No. No, I've been lying to myself. I told myself it was okay because you're good for me. But I have an addictive personality. I can be addicted to something even if it's good. And you're so good. Baby, you're the best thing that has ever happened to me." He took a step back from me. "God, I'm addicted to you. How did I not realize I was addicted to you? How did I not see it before?"
I wanted him to calm down. I wanted him to talk to me. "James, you love me. That's what this is. Just like I love you." I stood up and put my hands on both sides of his face. "You're not addicted to me. You're not."
"Yes I am!"
"No, you're not!" I let go of his face. I wasn't sure if I was screaming because I was upset, or because I thought it was true.
"You have no idea what runs through my head when we're apart. When I thought you were leaving me," his voice cracked. "You have no idea how much I need you."