by Ivy Smoak
"Penny." I turned around to see Bee. She was crying almost as hard as I had been. "He's going to be okay. He has to be."
I shook my head. She was trying. But her tears gave her away.
She immediately put her arms around me. "He's strong. He'll pull through." She was one of the few people that knew just how strong James was. But her words didn't calm me down. Nothing could make it feel like I wasn't sinking.
I glanced at Rob in the waiting room. His elbows were on his knees and both his hands were in his hair. When he was distraught he looked even more like James.
I just felt numb. What if I never got to see James upset again? What if I never got to see him happy again? I pulled away from Bee's hug. Nothing would console me right now. I needed to see him. I just needed to see him.
Mason was now arguing with the same woman that Rob had been.
"You encouraged her!" Rob yelled.
I looked back over at the waiting room. Rob had just shoved his father in the chest. "This is on you. James is dying because of you!" He shoved his dad again.
A security guard started toward them.
"Rob!" I ran over to him and put my hand on his shoulder. "Please calm down. You can't get sent to prison tonight. I need you here. Please, I need you. Please."
He shook his head and wiped under his eyes with the back of his hand. He grabbed my arm and pulled me to the other side of the waiting room, away from his parents. "It's their fault," he said and collapsed in a chair. "They fed her delusional mind. Why aren't you angry?"
"Because I don't have room for that right now. Because I'm upset and scared and..." my voice cracked. "Because I'm trying so hard to be hopeful."
He was the only one that understood. He was the only one that loved James as much as I did. "I'm sorry." He pulled my head onto his shoulder and let me cry again. He kept his arm wrapped protectively around me.
I tried to block out the sounds of Jen yelling at the reception desk. Apparently they were taking turns. I closed my eyes tightly. I pictured James saying his vows. I pictured James proposing. I pictured him running into me at the coffee shop. And it all just made my chest hurt even more. It all just made the possibility of losing him that much more painful.
"Pen." I opened my eyes and saw my dad kneeling in front of me. He was handing me his handkerchief. "Melissa brought you a change of clothes. How about you go change into something more comfortable." He put his hand on my knee.
I shook my head. I didn't want to change. I wanted to make love to James in our hotel room because it was our wedding night. I reluctantly grabbed his handkerchief.
"He's in surgery," Jen said and sat down next to me.
That wasn't much of an update. I had assumed that when time started to pass. "Does that mean he's breathing?"
Jen grabbed my hand. "They wouldn't have put him into surgery if he didn't have a pulse. It's a good sign."
I nodded. James was breathing again. That was definitely a good sign. His heart was beating. He was alive.
"Sweetie," my dad said and patted my knee again. "Your mom and I are here. Just let us know what you need."
James. I need James. "Thanks, Dad." In that moment I wanted to be a kid again. I wanted to go back in time. I wanted someone to fix everything for me. Because the thought had started to settle on me that all of this was my fault. Isabella hated me. If James was single, this wouldn't have happened. If I hadn't flirted with him in class, he wouldn't have fallen for me. He wouldn't be in a hospital bed dying.
Stop. I closed my eyes again. He can't die. He can't leave me.
***
Hours passed. Saturday turned into Sunday. A doctor came out and I again lifted my head in expectation, but he went to another family. I swallowed hard. I was losing my mind. I needed to know if he was okay.
All I could hear was the ticking of a clock on the wall. Seconds passing. James could be taking his last breath, and I wasn't there with him. I needed to be with him. We couldn't end like this.
I ducked out of Rob's arm. Like most of the people in the waiting room, he had fallen asleep. But sleep wasn't going to come for me. Not until I knew. I walked up to the front desk. "Do you have any updates?"
She typed something into her computer. "He's still in surgery."
"Is that a good thing?
She shook her head like she didn't know.
"You must know. You work here."
"I'm just a nurse. I've never even worked in the E.R. portion of the hospital until tonight."
It was her first night. I thought about everyone screaming at her. But at that moment, I didn't care. She was the only person standing in my way of knowing where James was and how he was doing. But I didn't have any fight in me. All I felt was this sense of doom. Of loss. I couldn't shake the feeling. I couldn't stop hearing the clock ticking.
"Please." I could feel the tears forming in my eyes again.
"As soon as I know, I'll tell you. I'm sorry."
"Can't you get someone to go check? Can't you take me to go see him?"
"Once he's out of surgery."
"But what if that's too late?" My voice cracked. What if that's too late?
"I'm sorry."
"Penny," Melissa said and touched my shoulder.
I hadn't known that anyone else was still awake. "Let's go get you cleaned up, okay? You'll feel better when you change into something more comfortable."
Feel better? Nothing would make me feel better except rewinding time. What if our first kiss as husband and wife was one of our last kisses? What if our first dance was one of our last?
"Come with me." She grabbed my arm and pulled me toward the restroom.
I didn't want to change. James was supposed to take off my wedding dress. We were supposed to be sharing one of the best nights of our lives. Keep breathing, James. Please keep breathing.
I stared at my reflection in the restroom mirror. No wonder everyone kept asking me to change. I looked like I was a bride from a horror movie. Blood was splattered on my dress and chest. It had seeped into the bottom of my dress when I had tried to apply pressure to James' wounds. It was on my hands and arms. I was a reflection of everything bad that had happened tonight. A walking memory. I couldn't bear to look at myself.
I pulled down the straps of my dress and reached behind me to unzip it. My fingers were trembling and I couldn't undo it. "Get it off me."
Melissa's hands replaced mine.
Tears streamed down my cheeks and I turned away from the mirror. "Get it off!" I croaked. As soon as it was unzipped I pushed the straps down my arms and let it pool around my ankles. I bent over the sink and began scrubbing the blood from my skin. Get it off.
"Penny, stop." Melissa said from behind me.
I continued to wash my hands.
"Penny, stop, you're hurting yourself." She turned off the water.
I looked down at my arms. My skin was red from where I had been scrubbing it.
"Put these on." She handed me a pair of leggings and a tank top.
It was what I almost always wore to my college classes. I'd do anything to go back to those days. I thought about James in my dorm, asking me to marry him in Vegas. Why did I say no? If I had said yes, he'd still be beside me. This was the wedding I had wanted. He was dying because of me.
"It's my fault."
"It's not your fault."
"He's dying because of me."
"He's not going to die." There was no doubt in her tone. Melissa was strong. She always believed what she believed. And she was usually right.
I needed to be strong right now. I needed to borrow some of her strength. I looked up at her.
"He's not going to die," she said again.
I nodded my head. He's not going to die. He can't die. I slowly changed into the clothes she had given me. She placed a pair of flip flops on the ground as she folded my dress and put it into the bag she was carrying. I wanted to tell her to throw it out or burn it or cut it into a million pieces. I never wanted to see that
dress again. I wanted to pretend that today had never happened. I unstrapped my heels and slipped my feet into the flip flops.
"Good," Melissa said. "Now you're dressed so that we can run around and try to find him."
"What?"
"If no one's telling us, we'll go find out ourselves."
"Melissa?"
She turned toward me.
"Thank you." I put my arms around her.
"It's going to be okay." She rubbed her hand up and down my back.
Her confidence was exactly what I needed. I almost believed that what she was saying was true. I wanted to believe it was true.
"Come with me," she said and looped her arm through mine. She turned right toward the swinging doors. Someone crying made me turn my head back toward the waiting room. It was my mom. My family and friends were standing in front of a doctor.
My mom was crying. Why was my mom crying? I let go of Melissa's arm and ran toward them. It felt like my heart was beating out of my chest. "Is he okay?" My voice sounded strange and high pitched.
The doctor turned to me. "He's stable," she said. "But we had to put him into a medically induced coma."
"What does that mean?"
"One of the bullets punctured a lung. We were able to repair it. We probably avoided the need for a transplant, but the next few days will tell us for sure. Another of the bullets ruptured his spleen and there was internal bleeding. He's had a blood transfusion. We've removed his spleen without further complications. The third bullet was just a flesh wound on his bicep. It only needed stitches."
"Is he going to be okay?" None of what she was saying made sense. I didn't know the severity of any of it. I just needed to know if James was okay.
"We've done everything we can. We induced the coma because he was unresponsive."
"What does that mean?"
"It means he needs to fight."
I swallowed hard. James was a fighter. He'd always fight to be with me. He'd wake up. He had to. "Can I see him?"
"Immediately family only, two at a time."
"Okay." I grabbed Rob's hand. I needed him with me. I needed him to keep me calm. Because I couldn't afford to break anymore. If I wanted James to be strong, I needed to be too.
Chapter 18
Sunday
It didn't seem like it was him. Maybe that's how I was able to keep so calm. James looked pale and lifeless. A tube was down his throat and he had IVs in his arm. More wires disappeared underneath his hospital gown. He didn't look like James. He didn't look like my husband anymore.
"What is the tube for?" Rob said quietly.
"To help him breathe," the doctor said. "We want to put less pressure on his lung while it's healing."
"Is he breathing on his own?"
"Yes," the doctor said. "He's stable, he's just unresponsive."
I didn't know what any of that meant. But I didn't have any questions right now. I just needed James to know I was here for him. That's what he needed from me. To know I was here. To know I was being strong. "Can I hold his hand?"
The doctor nodded. I let go of Rob and slid my hand into James'. It was warm, but lifeless. I was used to him squeezing my hand back. I was used to him rubbing his thumb against my palm. "James," I whispered. "I'm here. Wake up, baby. Come back to me. Please." I knelt down and kissed the back of his hand. "Please, James."
"If you'd like the next two people to come in, I can go get them," the doctor said.
They couldn't make me leave him. I'd never leave him. "I'm staying," I said.
Rob put his hand on my shoulder. "Do you want me to send Jen in?"
I shook my head. "Please stay. He'd want you to stay." Don't leave me too.
"Okay." Rob grabbed a chair and pulled it toward me. I kept hold of James' hand as I got off my knees. I was vaguely aware of Rob pulling a chair up to the other side of James and grabbing his other hand.
And we both sat there, holding James' hands. We didn't say anything else. There was nothing to say. James knew we were here. That was enough.
***
I woke up with my stomach in knots. I was going to be sick. I put my hand over my mouth and ran toward the bathroom. I had just opened the lid of the toilet when I threw up everything I had eaten last night. Fuck. I grabbed my stomach as I hurled some more.
"Penny?" Rob said and tapped on the bathroom door. "Penny, are you okay?"
Of course I'm okay. I'm not the one sitting in a hospital bed with three gunshot wounds. Tears stung my eyes again. "I'm fine." Be strong.
I choked as more vomit came up.
"Penny?" Rob banged on the door a little louder. "I'm coming in."
I heard the door open. I looked away as I grabbed some toilet paper to wipe my face off.
Rob kneeled down beside me and lightly touched my shoulder. "I'm going to go get the doctor."
"No, I'm fine."
"You're not fine."
I swallowed down anything else that wanted to come up. "I am." My stomached seemed to churn. Shit. I turned to the toilet and threw up some more.
Rob rubbed my back and helped me stand up when I had finally finished emptying my body of every horrid thing possible. He left me alone as I washed my face. I knew he was going to get a doctor despite what I had said.
When I walked out of the bathroom, James' doctor was already standing there. She was looking at a chart and jotting down something on James' monitor.
"How is he?"
She looked up. "The same." She set her clipboard down on the counter by his bed. "How about you come with me for a second?"
"I'd like to stay with him."
"He's more likely to get sick now without his spleen. Spleens help fight bacteria. Right now he can't be exposed to any viruses. We'll be giving him some vaccines if his condition improves."
If. I looked at Rob. He was sitting beside James again. I wasn't going to risk making James any worse. It killed me, but I followed the doctor out of the room.
"My stomach has been upset the last few days. But otherwise, I'm fine. And I feel better now that I threw up. I think it was the wedding and then...this."
The doctor didn't say anything as she opened a door for me.
I followed her inside.
"Please sit down," she said.
I sat down in the chair she gestured too.
She ran a thermometer across my forehead. "Normal," she said. "Stick out your tongue for me." She poked my tongue with a wooden thing. "Normal," she said. She pulled out a small light from her coat pocket and checked the back of my throat and my ears. "All normal." She frowned for a second. "You said you feel fine now?"
"Yes." I did. After throwing up I felt so much better. I just wanted to be with James.
"Have you been feeling any differently than usual beside for the upset stomach?"
"A little emotional, maybe. But I was just nervous about getting married. This whole week has been a little overwhelming."
She nodded. "Okay, here's what I'm going to do. Let's run a blood test and a urine test really quick. If you come back clean, you'll be allowed to go see him again."
"And if I don't?"
"We'll give you whatever medicine you need to improve your condition and once you're well, you can see him again. It's just a precaution." She was already preparing a needle.
I turned away as she sunk it into my arm. The last thing I needed was to be sick right now. James needed me.
She placed a band aid over the spot she had just taken blood from and handed me a small cup. "Pee in that." She gestured to the bathroom.
This was ridiculous. What sickness could they see from my urine? I closed the bathroom door and quickly peed into the cup. The sooner this nonsense was over with, the sooner I could be back by James' side. I walked out of the bathroom and handed her the cup.
"I'll be right back," she said and left the room.
I went back into the bathroom and washed my hands again. It still felt like I was covered in blood. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
Be strong. I scrubbed my hands and arms until my skin was red again. I wiped away the tears that had formed in my eyes. Be strong. James needed me. I wasn't going to be sick. I wasn't going to do anything but be by his side until he woke up. Not if. When. I took a deep breath and walked out of the bathroom.
"Well, you don't have an infection."
"Thank God. Can I go see him again?"
"I think maybe you should take a seat."
I shook my head. I wasn't sick. She couldn't make me stay in here. No, she didn't say I wasn't sick. She said I didn't have an infection. Normally my mind would be racing from possibilities. But I was tired. And upset. And completely focused on James. Nothing she said was going to sway that. Whatever horrible thing she was about to tell me, it wouldn't change that. And I knew it was horrible. She was looking at me like she pitied me. I didn't need her pity. I needed to see my husband. "Please let me go see him. Whatever this is, it can wait." I started to walk past her.
"It can't wait. I'm sorry, but it can't."
I folded my arms across my chest. "What's wrong with me?"
She gave me a small smile. "Nothing's wrong with you. Penny, you're pregnant."
Suddenly my throat felt dry. I tried to clear it. "What?"
The doctor smiled again, but it didn't quite reach her eyes. "You were experiencing morning sickness. And your fluctuating hormones were probably the cause of you feeling more emotional than usual."
No. This can't be happening.
"If you'd like, I can send a nurse in to do an ultrasound to tell you how far along you are. But based on the morning sickness, you're at least a few weeks."
"I'm not pregnant. Can you do the test again?"
"Your blood test and urine test both confirm it."
I can't be pregnant. Not now. How did this happen?
"I can send in a counselor if you'd like. I know this isn't exactly the ideal time for this news when your husband is in recovery."
"No." I shook my head. "I just need to go see him."
"Okay." She nodded. "Just tell me if you need someone to talk to. You can go see him now."
My feet didn't move. Now I understood the pity in her eyes. She pitied me because I was pregnant and my husband was dying. She knows he's dying. "Is James going to be okay?" I didn't have the courage to ask anyone that yet. But I needed to know.