I did not say anything to the others besides Mama about Darlene’s strop marks because I did not know what to say. Daddy is a sorry drunk who yells, cusses, and throws thing, and he has whipped all of us a few times, when we deserved it, but he has never really hurt any of us. Usually he just lays a few switches across our legs with a hickory that still has most of its leaves on it. We holler and carry on like he is killing us, and then afterwards, we go out and snigger about how he did not even make a mark on us. Mama has never so much as raised her voice to us. I reckon Darlene is right when she says that Billy Ray Carlton is worse than my daddy.
The only good thing that has come out of this day is that we will have Doodlebug for supper. Jasper wrung his neck right after he flogged Darlene. I am glad, because we all hated Doodlebug. He gets it into his head to run at you when you are not looking, and more than once, he has scratched or pecked all of us. I am surprised he lasted this long.
November 29, 1931. Daddy was in a good mood again this morning, and he went to church with us to listen to Miss Weston preach and to Beryl and me sing. Ruby almost got up with us, but she got bashful at the last minute and would not get up there. We sang The Old Rugged Cross, and Mama cried. Even Miss Weston looked a little teary-eyed, and I saw Daddy blowing his nose, but I am not sure if it was just because he has a cold coming on. He and Mama held hands on the way home, and he carried little Sapphire most of the way.
We had a fine time at Pap-pa’s house at dinner. Daddy was a little on the quiet side, but Uncle Woodrow and Pap-pa were funnier than ever, telling stories about all the trouble they got into as young’uns. Miss Weston’s face went red, she laughed so hard. Mama laughed a lot, too.
When we got home, we saw that the gate was open and three of the dogs had gotten out. Daddy started to get mad, but Jasper reminded him that he was the last one out, and he remembered Daddy closing the gate and latching it. We got the dogs rounded up easily enough, but it is a mystery how the gate got open.
This afternoon, I made a big order from the Sears & Roebuck catalogue so I can start getting ready for Christmas. I ordered some yarn so I could make Sardius a hat and Mama a pair of mittens. I just did not have enough money to buy her a dress, and besides, she needs new mittens with the cold weather, and her old ones are full of holes. The yarn for Sardius’ hat is bright yellow. When he wears it, he will think the sun is shining down on him even on the darkest, dreariest days. A skein cost 45c. Mama’s yarn is a soft, pretty red that looks warm. It was expensive at 98c, but it is pure angora wool, and so it is extra fine and soft. I also ordered some paper dolls with five sets of clothes for Beryl that she can cut out and pin onto the cardboard dolls. They are beautiful! They cost 45c.
I spent most of my money on a beautiful little dress for Sapphire. It is pink, with little pink roses embroidered all over it, and it has ruffles at the cuffs and hem. I must say, I am very proud of it and think it was worth every penny! I cannot wait to see her in it. It is a little big for now, but by Easter, it will be perfect. It cost $2.42.
I still have to get presents for Jasper, Daddy, Pap-pa, Miss Weston, Darlene, Mrs. Carlton, and Miss Janey Jo, so I had better get busy and sell some whiskey soon. Daddy’s stash inside the hay bales is getting bigger and bigger, thank goodness!
November 29, 1931
Darling Cecilia,
It has been another wonderful Sunday. I have become quite comfortable preaching, and my little flock appears to be comfortable with me as well. What a fortuitous circumstance that I have come here! I am growing more confident, more secure, and happier with each passing week.
Today, I sat at the Aikens’ table again, and we had such a jolly, comfortable time together. I am beginning to feel a part of the family; we are all so familiar with each other. Woodrow was in fine form, telling the funniest stories and making me laugh so hard I had a hard time remembering that we are not kin. I nearly punched him in the shoulder—a most unladylike thing to do! But if I had, I do not think he would have thought less of me. He is so kind and generous of spirit, and I do believe I can say or do anything around him and he would make me feel perfectly accepted and cared for.
Cecilia, I do wish you could meet him! He is quite beautiful, lean and lithe, with broad shoulders and those stunning, marvelously expressive eyes. It makes me wish I could be an artist so I could capture the beauty of his physique in oils. He reminds me of the sculpture of David in Florence—the very epitome of masculine grace and loveliness.
It is late, so I must be off to the luxury of my bed and my pillow. I hope your dreams are as sweet as my own are these days.
Love,
Emily
Cold, waning days, bitter nights
Joy cavorts with grief,
Riding high in my currents,
Swirling in my eddies,
Dancing amid the rocks.
I hear the laughter of some,
Even as others cry out in pain, rage, and fear.
My children do not know
What they do not know.
November 30, 1931
My School Journal, grade 7, Miss Weston’s class
By Pearl Wallace
After I have finished my studies at the Moody Bible Institute, I will go to Africa on the mission field, where I will teach the people about Jesus and how to dress properly. I also will teach them how to read and write and to cipher. I hear that in Africa the people are wild, and sometimes they eat missionaries, so I will have to be careful not to let them catch me. However, if I pray about it, God will protect me so that I do not end up on somebody’s dinner plate.
Prayer is a great thing. When we pray, God protects us and guides us, and He talks to us through prayer. We will ask Him for something, and He will think about it, and if He thinks it is good for us, then He will grant us the desires of our heart. Psalm 37:4 says, “Delight thyself also in the Lord; and He shall give thee the desires of thine heart.”
November 30, 1931. This was a wonderful day. Daddy came home late this afternoon as happy as a cow in clover because he got a job! The railroad is hiring bulls to make sure hobos do not ride the trains without paying, and since he belongs to the union, he was one of the first in line. Union members back each other up. They will go on strike if the railroad hires a scab over a union man. His first day of work will be next week.
His job will be to ride the train and throw hobos off when they try to sneak a ride for free. Daddy said since he is a big man, he will be able to heft anybody and throw him off. Beryl asked him if he would hurt them when he threw them off, but he laughed and said he was just raffing about. He would not really do any throwing. That was just a saying that means he will ask them if they have a ticket, and if they do not, he will tell them they are not allowed to ride. We were glad to hear that. I feel sorry for those hobos. They only steal a ride because they are out of work and they are looking for food and a job. If they get thrown off a moving train, they could break a leg, and then they could not even walk to the next town. That is just not right.
Other than the fact that he has to be mean to the hobos, I was very glad to hear about Daddy’s job in almost every way. If he has a job, he likely will not drink so much. The bad part about it, though, is that if he is not making any whiskey, I am going to lose my business, and I need that money. Christmas is coming up, and Easter is not much further after that.
November 30, 1931
Dear Jonathan,
I am sorry I have not written to you in a while, and regret that I have been so neglectful, particularly since you have faithfully written to me at least once a week since I arrived here. Your letters cheer me, particularly the ones in which you tell me about how all our old friends are doing.
Jonathan, although I do care for you very much, I must remind you that there is no understanding between us. I got a letter this week from Marilyn Baker, who seemed to imply that you and I are practically engaged. You know that is not the case, so please make sure that no one gets the impression that I will be retuning in
the Spring to marry you. I still do not know God’s plan for my life, and until I do, I cannot be making any plans beyond this school year.
I will tell you that I am not certain that I will be returning to teach again next year, although I also am not certain that I will NOT. I admit that teaching under the conditions that I face is difficult, but at the same time, there are students for whom I feel responsible. They are very bright and eager to learn. It would be a waste and a pity to leave them here to fend for an education without my help. If only I could find a way to help these few students continue their education in a proper school, I would feel better about leaving the area at the end of the term.
I hope all is well with you. Please continue to pray for me and for my dear students.
Emily
November 31, 1931. I might like Otis Merriweather. Today he slipped a piece of peppermint candy onto my desk when Miss Weston’s back was turned. I snatched it up before she turned around and put it in my pocket and ate it when I got home this afternoon. I feel a little bad that I did not share it with Beryl, but it was hard candy and I would not be able to break it in two without smashing it into powder. I reckon I could suck on it for a little while and then give it to her, but then I would have to endure it while she sucked it all the rest of the way down, and I do love peppermint.
We got to play with Darlene all afternoon today. With Billy Ray gone during the week, Beryl and I go over to her house about any time we want to. Back behind the house, between the porch and the outhouse, is a big spruce tree, and we climbed up it and jumped over to the roof where we could get a good view of the river and the mountains beyond. It is very pretty there, except for that patch over by Hickory Ridge where the loggers clear-cut the whole mountain. That part is ugly, but if you look in the other direction, all you can see is sparkling river, then green and blue trees and winter skeletons all over.
Darlene says she comes up here all the time to look at the sparkly river, and sometimes when she wants to get away from Billy Ray. We stayed there for a while, but Darlene was not in a talking mood, so when it got too cold to just sit and look, we came on down and Beryl and I came home.
December
December 1, 1931. Sardius and I got into a fight at school today. In our history lesson, we learned about slavery, which is very bad. Negroes did not come to America like everyone else. Indians did not come to America, either. They were born here. The rest of us came for religious liberty and because there was not enough food in the old country. Negroes are different. They were captured and brought here as slaves, and they were treated badly. I did not know that until Miss Weston explained it today. I thought that the slaves came over on their own because they were looking for work, just like everybody else.
At lunchtime, we all got to talking about the slaves, and I said it was wicked to capture people from their homes where they were happy and make them work and do things they do not want to do as if they are animals. Sam Hutchinson, whom I never have liked ever since he called me a smarty-pants back in the fourth grade, said that Negroes are animals and working as slaves was the best that could happen to them. He said if somebody owned them, they took care of them, fed them, and gave them a place to sleep out of the cold. It was better for them because all they knew was to run wild and eat each other. That made me mad, because I know that Darlene knows better than to run wild and eat people. She would not like being a slave, either, so I told Sam he was ignorant, and he called me a name I do not want to write down here. Sardius hauled off and gave him a good clout on the chin. Sam knocked him down and jumped on him, and I lost my head and jumped on Sam. I got in a few good licks before Miss Weston showed up and dragged me away. Otis Merriweather pulled Sam and Sardius apart.
We all had to stand in the corner for the rest of the afternoon and listen to the others snigger at us behind out backs. It was mortifying, but not as mortifying as knowing Miss Weston caught me fighting. She said she was very disappointed in me, which makes me feel just terrible. I wish she would let me explain, but she said there was no good reason for fighting, especially for girls, and she did not want to hear my excuses. I feel sick. And hungry. Mama made us skip supper tonight because of it. I did not get to play with Darlene today, either.
December 1, 1931,
Dearest Cecilia,
It was a disappointing day today. I do not feel encouraged about being able to invite Pearl’s friend to attend school, or even church services. Today, I taught the children about the disgraceful practice of slavery, and some of the children were quite vocal in their approval of it. One even went so far as to call Negroes “animals.” I am proud to say that my Wallace children came to the defense of people of color! Little Pearl actually initiated a fight over it, which drew in her brother and several others. It was quite a sight. I secretly felt so proud of her that I found it difficult to punish them! But discipline is paramount, so I did my duty and gave them all the same punishment for fighting. I did not feel it was appropriate to punish a child for expressing an opinion, no matter how wrong or cruel it was.
I have heard from Marilyn. Did you know she thinks Jonathan and I are practically engaged? I suspect Jonathan has been talking out of school. I certainly hope she did not get the idea from Mother! Please try to keep everyone in line for me.
All my love,
Emily
Cold, waning days, bitter, sparkling nights.
Lovers warm my banks with sweetness.
I murmur songs in my most gentle voice.
Ice rimes my banks, but no one feels the chill.
On the other side, close to the horizon
Dwells the Darkness.
The Spirit broods and waits.
December 2, 1931. Thank goodness Mama is through punishing Sardius and me. She is very tenderhearted, so she cannot stay mad at any of us for long. Miss Weston did not act any different this morning, so I suppose she has forgiven us, too. Mama says I ought to apologize to her for fighting, but I do not feel so inclined. If they would just listen to us and let us explain WHY we were fighting, they would probably give us a certificate of honor and not be mad at us. Maybe I will make a certificate of honor and give it to Sardius for Christmas so he will know I think what he did was brave and sweet.
Daddy was home all day today. His job does not begin until next week, so I was hoping he would use the time to build up his whiskey supply, but I guess he thinks he has enough for now. There is a new batch out in the woodshed, four jugs and twenty-six quart jars, on top of what he has in the barn. I figure I can get at least 10 pints out of it easy without him noticing. I skimmed off one whole pint today, which I sold to Jake Hatton. Pap-pa has been asking me if I can get him some, too.
Darlene and her mother came over to bring some goat milk, and because they are saving Sapphire’s life, Daddy does not have much choice but to be welcoming. He even smiled at Mrs. Carlton, and he patted Darlene on the shoulder just a little. Uncle Woodrow was here, and he was so nice to Darlene that Daddy had to be nice, too, to keep from being shown up. Uncle Woodrow is a real gentleman, and I know that makes Daddy think more about how he treats people.
They did not stay long. Uncle Woodrow said he needed some help over at his place. He has a chicken that he thinks might be egg-bound. Mrs. Carlton knows how to unclog them, so they all went to tend to that chicken. Mrs. Carlton loves chickens and all kinds of animals. When she found out that Uncle Woodrow keeps rabbits, she said she wanted to see them, too. Daddy would not let Beryl and me go with them. He said he needed us to help him out in the barn, and then, after they left he plumb forgot that he had something for us to do.
Uncle Woodrow is going to move in with us for the winter. He and Daddy made him up a little room in the barn loft with a straw-tick mattress covered in a pretty quilt, and they even put a rag rug on the floor. It looks homey and cozy. Daddy will be gone from Monday until Saturday morning, and Uncle Woodrow will be here to help with whatever needs doing. I am happy to have him here. He is good at playing games, and he
makes Ruby laugh. Most days we cannot even tell he is suffering from shell shock, he is so jolly.
December 3, 1931. It is starting to get very cold. I do not mind the cold so much as the dark. Daddy, Sardius, and Jasper make sure the stove does not go out overnight, and since we sleep in the loft right over the kitchen, it is nice and warm up there when we are getting dressed in the mornings. In general, Beryl is hard to get going in the mornings. I like to make it to the top of the ridge in time to catch the sunrise and spend a little time just dawdling for a while because it is so pretty, but if I am having to baby Beryl along, I usually do not get there in time to see the sun make its little “Pop!” It does not pop too often since it usually comes in behind clouds, which are pretty, too, but it has been clear this week, and I get to see that little line of gold coming across the mountain, outlining the hills so pretty. The sun seems stronger in the winter, more glary, but I think that is pretty, even when it runs straight in my eyes and makes me blind. If I get to just the right spot when the sun comes up, all I can see is bright gold, and I think that is what heaven must be like, except in heaven, we will have special eyes so that you can see through the gold and it does not hurt them. It is like the day is jumping out at you, full of surprises, all bright and happy, and it does not give a tinker’s hoot whether you care about it or not, or whether it blinds you or not. It is coming no matter what anybody thinks or wants.
December 4, 1931. Sardius laid out of school today to help Pap-pa and Jasper kill a hog. I am glad they did it while Beryl and I were in school so we did not have to be there to see it. I love pork, and hogs are big, mean critters that you do not feel sorry for when they get killed, but it is a messy, ugly business that I do not like to see. Pap-pa is kind not to make us girls come help. He pays Jasper and Sardius for helping him butcher it and render it down, and he also gives them a ham, some bacon and lard, and some hogshead cheese. I love head cheese. It is the best thing you ever tasted fried up and put on a flat hoecake.
In the Midst of Innocence Page 12