“Hole in my pocket.” I said sheepishly.
I quickly bent down and shoved it into the other pocket, but not before I heard him laugh softly.
I bent my head down and pushed my cart. I had three more aisles I needed to cover before leaving and I was determined to do it a fast as I could while avoiding the man with the jolting blue eyes who was still laughing at my expense. And now to top it off, he seemed to follow me. Although I’m sure he was also trying to get through the last few aisles himself.
I was so relieved when I finally pulled the cart up alongside the trunk of my Ford and I got my bags into the car encountering no one else.
Once I got home and put away all the groceries, I climbed out of my jeans tossing them back over the same chair I’d found them on and pulled up a pair of flannel pajama pants. I made my way back into the kitchen to cook one of the frozen meals I’d bought, shoved it in the microwave, and took it with me into the living room where I turned on the television. My jacket was tossed on the couch where I’d left it. I slid over and took the cardholder out of my pocket.
“Who are you?” The woman’s face staring back was a happy face.
I was still smarting from the man’s laughter, but after examining the picture on my license more carefully I had to admit, I kind of understood. I no longer looked like the carefree girl I once was. I looked older now. Much older.
I dropped the cardholder on the table and folded my legs under me. Leaning back I changed the channel settling on an old western, knowing I would be safe with my selection. Westerns were full of men, doing macho things.
Chapter 4
“You need to say goodbye now Reny.” I heard a voice in my ear; minty breath fanned my cheek.
“I can’t.” I barely whispered.
He squeezed my shoulders and stepped back. I didn’t turn around. I couldn’t. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from Dylan. My fingers grazed along his cheek, his skin ice cold, lips tight and pale. “This is not my Dylan, his lips…his lips were perfect…just perfect.”
“Reny.”
“Mom don’t. Just don’t. Don’t say it. I can’t say goodbye.” I hardly recognized my wailing. “Please mom. Help me. I can’t say goodbye.” My whole body was trembling. I mean really trembling. Like you see in the movies. Only this wasn’t a goddamn movie. This was my life, and my reason for living was lying in front of me with his goddamn hands crossed over his midsection, instead of around me like they should be. I wanted to scream till the heavens crushed down on me.
I held his hand, my small fingers wrapped around his.
If I could only hold on, if I could only breathe air back into you. If I could only be with you. Help me Dylan, I’m so lost with out you.
“Reny. Please honey.” My mother’s voice cracked. I could tell she was losing it herself.
She was as lost as I was.
We all were.
I don’t know how or when, but I must have gotten up and left him there, because I now found myself in a windowless room of a restaurant. Waiters were speaking in hushed tones, taking orders for drinks and food.
Like I could eat anything.
I shook my head and heard my mother place an order for two meals. I assumed one was for me. What a waste of food, was all I could think.
I was like some freaking robot. Saying ‘thank you for being here’ to everyone who dared walk up to the ‘crazed looking’ grieving woman. Finding myself trapped in what they assumed were comforting hugs. They weren’t. However, they kept me on my feet. Without them, I probably would have slithered down to the floor like a sack. It was like an endless line of people wanting to tell me how sorry they were. ‘We’re here for you if you need us’, and ‘I’ll pray for you.’
You know what? Don’t pray for me. Please don’t fucking pray for me. I don’t want your pity. I want my life back like it was before…
I sat up in bed and for the bizillionth time since Dylan’s death, I screamed, cursed and cried until I was exhausted enough to fall back asleep…
Chapter 5
I woke up sometime later on the couch my coat pulled over my shoulders. The half-eaten frozen dish and the fork sat on the table. A new western had come on and I lay there with my eyes half open watching. I dosed off again.
That’s exactly where I found myself the next morning.
I got up threw the dish in the trash, the fork clanked as I tossed it into the stainless steel sink and I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth.
“At least I have coffee.” I said to myself, “and creamer.”
I took my cup of hot coffee into the living room and sat on the same spot I slept on last night. Flipped through a magazine I’d found in my mailbox. All the pretty faces and happy smiles made me feel like I was a failure. I tossed it on the table and picked up the remote.
“Let’s see what you have for me today.”
I went through the channels, Bridges of Madison County – um no. Twilight – yeah right. A Bridge Too Far – I can deal with that one. I leaned back and looked straight ahead, seeing men dressed in army green laying down explosives while an army marched towards them. I closed my eyes and slowly fell asleep.
“Reny. Can you hear me? You need to stay awake.”
“My baby.”
“We’re doing everything we can, you need to help us. You need to push Reny.”
“Nooooo. It’s too soon. It’s too soon.” I was breathing heavy. Getting dizzy with the effort.
“The baby’s heart rate is dropping.” The faceless man turned to the outline of a woman, “Get her to op one Stat.”
“Noooo. Please no. It’s too soon.”
I felt a rip in my body, like I was being torn in two. I screamed from the pain, and tried so hard to stay alert, but I was fading. My body gave into a tremor, shaking me to the core. My mind was traveling the speed of light—visions of faces, smiles, gentle touches—until I was lost.
“She’s convulsing, we need to stop the bleeding.”
“Her BP is dropping.”
“Reny. Hold on Reny. We need you. Your baby needs you.”
“Don’t let my baby die. Don’t…”
All I remember then is the cloud that covered me like a thick blanket, making it difficult to hear or see anything. It was like I was walking in a deep fog, lost, alone. I could feel something tugging at me, pulling me away. I wanted to go, but I knew I needed to stay. I needed to stay for my baby. He would need me. I was so cold I could feel my teeth chattering. The glare of lights over me was strong enough to pierce the cloud and my eyelids, but I still couldn’t see. I was floating now, trying to find something to hold onto.
It was noisy. Many sounds were bouncing off of the cloud. Beeping. Talking. Hushed tones. Then nothing. It went from movement to nothingness. It was completely silent. I wasn’t in any pain, but I did felt empty. Hollow. Like someone carved a big hole in my body and left it open. I could feel the coldness settle inside me, inside the big hole.
“Jeff, I can’t tell her. I can’t tell her.” Her sobs soft and steady.
I knew that voice. It was my mother.
“Rhonda, you need to stay right there.”
“Jeff.”
“Rhonda. Reny needs you.” It sounded like a command.
I tried to open my eyes but it was as if someone glued them shut.
“She’s waking up. Call the nurse.”
“No Rhonda. Don’t. She needs her family, not strangers.”
“But…”
My mother at a loss for words?
No way.
‘The woman can talk the balls off a brass monkey’ my father would always say. I smiled remembering the look on her face when he said that. Feigned indignity. That was my mothers’ real talent.
I tried hard to open my eyes.
“Jeff?”
I sat up straight and felt tears cascade down both cheeks. Sometimes, it’s best not to fall asleep. Sometimes it’s better to watch A Bridge Too Far.
Strangely I didn’t cry
when my father told me the baby died. I didn’t. It’s not something I’m particularly proud of, but it happened and that’s that. I guess I was too numb to feel any more pain. Or I could be in denial, in which case, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere near me when that realization hit.
“You will have to allow yourself to mourn Reny.”
My mother and her infinite wisdom.
“I think I’ve mourned enough mom. I can’t mourn anymore. Not now.”
I saw the look that passed between my parents. The ‘she’s in a state of denial’ look. I wasn’t. There was nothing to deny. I lost the two loves of my life. Both ripped away from me leaving me feeling so empty inside; so angry and alone.
We had a small memorial, no one but us—the immediate family.
I often wondered why that was the chosen term to describe the people in your life you couldn’t escape. There was nothing immediate about them, no urgency. It was a silly description to give them distinction, some badge, some importance over everyone else.
‘There had been enough pain and heartbreak’ my father said and I agreed with him. I think I would have shot myself if I had to go through that again and he sensed it.
Thank you daddy, I love you.
The days went by, one blending into the next. I was never one if those people who were good with having guests stay with me. Oh, I’m not a hardass, I really loved it when they first got there—guests that is—but loved it even more when they packed up and left. And this was how I was feeling right now. I wanted to be alone.
My mother thought I should go home with my father and her, and as much as they both insisted, that wasn’t home anymore. Hadn’t been in some time. I couldn’t go back with them, which caused my mother undue stress. She was practically begging and after desperately trying to get me to change my mind, my father once again ended the discussion.
“She needs to heal at her own pace Rhonda. Leave her be for now.”
Again, thank you daddy.
I was adamant. I refused to leave.
This is where my life was…had been. I needed to be close to where I was happy once.
And I was so happy.
So with a tearful goodbye at the airport—my mother was a mess—I watched my parents go through security and down the corridor to the waiting area. I was dry-eyed. I actually felt sorry for my father.
I seemed to have spent all my tears. The only ones I had left came when I slept, or tried to sleep. It was odd. I was torn about the notion of sleep. On one hand, I would see us—Dylan and me—together in happy times. And on the other, I would wake to find I was still very much alone.
If you want to know the ugly truth, I totally lost my faith. What little I had to begin with. How do you love a God who takes away your reason to breathe? How do you love a God who steals the small baby you love so much growing inside your belly? It was my baby. Our baby. Dylan’s and mine. It was all I had left of him and now that was gone too. So God? Fuck that. It’s a myth. Out-and-out bullshit. I was tired of racking my brain trying to discover the reason I was damned. Bone tired.
Chapter 6
“Baby.” I felt the tips of his fingers as they worked their way up my sides and I relaxed and leaned back into him.
“Yes.” I was out of breath. I was always out of breath when he touched me; this man, my reason for living. Everything about him was frigging magical. At one time, I was actually afraid the ‘magic’ would fade with time. But to my surprise, it grew bigger, wider, deeper, even more magical, and I’m happy I’m out of breath. I am.
He traced the bottom of my bra with his fingers until he got to the center. Then he slowly—achingly slow—walked them up until he reached my nipples, which were tightening into oversensitive nubs.
I took a deep breath, trying hard to get air into my lungs so my head would stop spinning.
“Jesus Dylan.”
He pulled me back to him, until my body was against his and I could feel him conform to me.
His body actually molded to mine.
It was hot as hell.
He was hot as hell.
It was like we were one. I really think sometimes we were.
“No, just Dylan. Or sugar lips, or honey pie.”
I laughed out loud.
“You are so corny sometimes. You sound like a character in Gone with the Wind or something.”
“I do, don’t I?”
He cupped my breasts, and I immediately put down the spoon I was stirring the sauce with, and turned around to face him.
His eyes literally twinkled and I almost lost it. His amazing, light hazel orbs with the golden specks surrounded by thick dark lashes were my undoing. No. Actually, it was that damned smile of his. Gut punched me every time he used it. And he used it a lot.
“I think you need a break.”
“Oh, do I?”
“Yeah, you been slaving over that stove for um…” He overzealously looked at his watch, “twenty minutes now. I think you deserve a break.”
“Mmmm. I think you’re right.”
He lifted me up and I wrapped my legs around his midsection. I smiled when I felt him hard against me.
“Oooh, wait. One sec.” He stopped and I reached down to turn the heat off. “Wouldn’t want to be interrupted. You know…fire.”
“Yeah, all we need is those lugs breaking through the windows and doors.” He pushed himself against me. “Besides, I got your fire right here.”
I giggled. That’s another thing. I never giggled before I met Dylan. I liked feeling silly. I loved feeling silly enough to giggle.
“Indeed you do.”
He dropped me on the couch, my legs still wrapped around his middle.
“Ren, you need to loosen your hold if you want me to get my pants off.”
“Oh, all right. But only for a few seconds.”
“You might want to take yours off too?”
“Well, that seems like a good idea in theory.”
I remember him laughing out loud as he stepped out of his jeans.
“I’ll give you a theory.” He yanked my pants down over my legs, and ankles and tossed them on the rug.
“I think I’m gonna like your theory.”
I reached up and pulled him on top of me. The warmth of his body against mine was so, yeah you guessed it, perfect. It’s hard to understand. Like everything in the world was right. Like everything lined up as it should. He moved over me, his erection rubbed against my inner thighs and I felt the wetness on the tip.
“I want you inside me.” I whispered against his cheek.
I think he actually growled before he lifted his body onto one elbow and with his free hand inserted himself into me. I threw my head back into the cushions as the length of him slid into me. I was more than ready. I was always more than ready with Dylan.
He moved in me, slowly at first, and I felt the first tingling sensation building deep inside me. The way he filled me. The way he felt as he caressed me from the inside was putting me over the edge. He lowered his mouth onto my breast and licked me gently before taking my whole nipple into his mouth. My body reacted with a jolt. I grabbed his ass in my hands and pulled him to me as I lifted mine up to meet him. I wanted him deeper inside me, as if it were even possible.
I heard his soft chuckle. Then before I realized it, the first wave of my orgasm crested and was about to wash over me with such a ferocity I had to grit my teeth together.
“I love you baby.” His voice nearly purred it was so smooth.
“Me too. Fuck me.”
“I thought that’s what I was doing.”
He picked up speed and he circled his hips side to side, stirring me. Screaming out his name I came again. The sweat from his forehead dripped on to my face and I opened my eyes to see the corded muscles in his neck and face. He tried to control himself, tried to hold out for me and the intense expression was so passionate I was about to come looking at him.
“Dylan, with me.”
“You ready?”
“Dylan…” my voice was teetering, I was on the edge and he sensed it. And with a few strong pushes he lifted his head up and moaned loudly. I trembled as another wave washed over me. Then I felt him, hot and wet and sweet, as he pulsed inside me. Good thing I was lying down because I know I was legless.
“I love you Ren, I love you so fucking much.”
“Me too.” My words were more breath than anything else. This man took my breath away every single time and I loved him more than I thought it was possible to love anyone.
There was a loud knocking at the door to the apartment. I turned my head and opened my eyes and all at once my entire world fell apart. Dylan was gone, vanished, and the air was cold against my skin. I gripped the sofa where we made love countless times. I looked at the ceiling and lost it. Somewhere deep inside me I found more tears. I pulled the coat over my half naked body and whispered.
“Goddamn you God.”
Chapter 7
Later that day, I think it was around 6:30, my cell phone rang. At first I didn’t answer it. I didn’t even look at it. It rang again. I ignored it again. Finally, realizing this caller was dead set on speaking with me, I reached over and looked at the screen.
Libby. Should have known.
It was Libby, Dylan’s sister.
I cursed loudly and answered it.
Before I could say hello, she spoke. “I was gonna keep calling until you picked up.”
“I have no doubt.”
“Ren, I know you told me not to talk about it. And you might not want to hear it but you can’t keep yourself closed up in your apartment. It’s not healthy.”
I wasn’t in the mood to have this conversation…again.
“Dylan would hate me if he knew I let you do this. Sit by yourself everyday. You need to be with people.”
“Libby, I don’t want to be with people.” I shut my eyes tight, and cringed trying to keep my voice even. “I want to be left alone…and Dylan could never hate you. You know that.”
Where I Found My Heart Page 2