“Reny.” Libby interjected, giving this stranger my name.
“Libby!” I was mortified.
He shook her hand. “Nice to meet you Libby.” Then he turned to me, “and it’s nice to put a beautiful name to an even more beautiful face. Reny.” He let go of Libby, who, by the way, was enjoying this immensely, and turned to me, his hand extended.
I clasped my hands together and looked up at him. I was trying to make a point. Being defiant.
He smiled.
Let me note here that he was very, very good looking.
“Well, I’m sorry to have interrupted your meal. But I had to see if you were indeed you.” He looked at me.
“I am. Thank you.”
He laughed. It was that same laugh as when he looked between my license and me, and again when my card case fell through the hole in my jacket.
“Enjoy the rest of your meal ladies. Libby…Reny…it was nice to meet you both.” He turned and walked away. Where he went I didn’t care, as long as it was not here.
“Well, looks like you made quite an impression.”
“That’s insane. Do you know how insane you sound right now?”
“Yup.”
“I never ‘met’ him before. The nerve, to walk up to us and start a conversation. Jesus.”
“Oh relax Ren, he was harmless. Not to mention he’s really hot.” She smirked.
“Good, you can have him.”
“I don’t think Josh would like that.”
Josh was Libby’s long time boyfriend. They have been together since college and are literally perfect together. I knew they were planning on announcing their engagement when Dylan….
Dylan even loved him and that’s saying a lot, as Dylan typically doesn’t let just any guy near his sister—protective brother and all that.
“Ren, I will say this once, then it’s right back to light, airy fun. Okay?”
“I have a feeling I’m not going to like this.”
“Ren, you are young. You are beautiful. Dylan has been gone for a little over a year now. You need to get out and start your life again. There I said it.” She raised her hand to the waiter who came over right away. “Two more champagnes please.”
“Of course,” he said as he walked away.
“God I love waiters.”
“Libby you are nuts.”
The waiter returned with our drinks and placed them down.
“Thank you.” Libby said as she raised her glass. “Come on.” She insisted. “To light, airy fun.”
“Light, airy fun.” I repeated, and then I proceeded to nearly drain the glass.
“Whoa. You will feel that tomorrow.” Libby laughed.
“That’s okay. It’ll be a reminder to never listen to you again.” I had a serious look on my face and I could see Libby looking at me, wondering if I was serious. “I’m kidding Libby.” She relaxed right away. “But I’ll be damned if I’m doing this once a week.”
We both laughed.
“Okay, maybe I was a bit overzealous.” She snickered, “but look at all the fun we’re having.”
“Yes, light, airy fun.” The ridiculousness of the words wasn’t lost on me.
We finished our dinner and then we were led inside to our table where we lounged while sipping more bubbly. I was feeling all sorts of woozy. After all, I haven’t had this much alcohol in quite some time…if you don’t count the times I drank whatever was available in the house just to pass out.
And as Libby said earlier, Dave was there, waiting downstairs in the car as we both slowly descended the stairs each of us holding on to the handrails. He jumped out of the car, followed closely by Jerry and ‘assisted’ us into the vehicle.
I fell asleep on Libby’s shoulder, and I barely remember going to sleep. But when I woke the next morning, I was in my pajama pants and a tee shirt. Libby was lying next to me wearing a pair of my pj’s. I got up and went to the bathroom. That was when I made the mistake of looking in the mirror when I was washing my hands.
Can you say Medusa?
Chapter 10
I walked back into the bedroom and over to the other side of the bed.
“Morning sunshine.” I said loudly.
“Uhhh.” Libby rolled over and placed the pillow over her head.
“Time to rise and shine Ms. Light and Airy.” I let out a snort.
“Okay. Okay. But not before I smell coffee.”
“I’ll go make a pot.” I walked into the kitchen, “light and airy fun my ass. My head is pounding.”
The smell of coffee wafted through the air and I heard a moan from the bedroom.
If I looked like Medusa, then Libby looked like the Kraken.
“Who released the Kraken?” I laughed.
“You are so not funny right now.”
“I made you coffee.”
“You’re forgiven, providing you have Advil.”
“I do. I already hit them up.”
I placed the cup of coffee in front of her and the bottle of Advil.
“I had a good time Libs. You were right, it was good to get out. I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time.”
“Told you.” She took two Advil and downed them with hot coffee.
“I’ll never understand how you do that.”
“It’s a college thing.”
“Yuck.”
“I meant what I said last night. You need to start living.”
“Libby…” I warned.
“Okay, okay. I’ll shut up. But that guy was hot for you. And he was really good looking. Seemed nice too.”
“Libby…I don’t even know his name.”
“It’s Mark. He introduced himself. Don’t you remember?”
“I know that, but it’s not like we had a long conversation and got to really know one another. I mean, I met him when he gave me my card case back. I don’t know the first thing about the guy.”
“Well, his name is Mark. He lives in Chester. Apparently he shops in Chester, and he’s got eyes for you.”
“Enough.”
“Fine.” She pushed her empty cup forward, “more coffee please.”
I’m not going to lie. As soon as Libby left early that afternoon, I crawled onto the sofa, wrapped my blanket around myself and sighed with relief. Or was it relief? In any event, I was happy to have my world go back to the way it was before Hurricane Libby rolled in.
That night I didn’t dream of Dylan. I didn’t dream at all. I slept like a stone through the whole night. I attribute it to being totally wiped out from drinking and eating the previous evening.
The next morning, I climbed out of bed and took a shower, got dressed and before I knew it I was on the street. I was walking outside, with people. I nearly panicked when I realized it, but oddly I calmed myself with a few deep breaths. Before I knew it, I found myself in the park and sat down on an empty bench that was somewhat secluded.
It’s been a very long time since I’ve people watched. The last time—thanks to Libby I could put a timeline on it—was over a year ago. I stretched my legs out, leaned back and felt the spring sun warm me through my clothes. I took another deep breath and exhaled slowly.
I watched a group of boys play baseball. There were several kids riding their bikes. A man was tossing his dog a Frisbee. The dog ran back to the man, his tail wagging and placed the disk on the ground, and just like the dog expected and wanted, the man through it up into the air again. It was a cycle. Everything seemed normal. Life went on around me even though I chose to stand still.
I heard a shrill laugh and looked towards the playground. There was a young man pushing a woman on a swing and I was instantly reminded of the time that Dylan pushed me on that same swing. I remember going so high, my legs swung out, my fingers clutched the chains tightly. I leaned forward and felt like I was flying, falling out of the sky the whole way down. I could still close my eyes and feel the butterflies in my stomach as the swing came back down to earth where Dylan stood laughing, waiting to push me ba
ck into the air. I raised my hand and swiped at my eyes.
Tears.
They seemed to fall faster then I can swipe.
I stood up and made my way back home.
One day at a time Ren, one day at a time.
I wasn’t ready yet.
I walked directly to the closet in the bedroom and removed a denim shirt I had hanging on a hook in plastic and removed it from the bag before pulling it on over my tee shirt. I wrapped it around my body tightly then lowered my head and inhaled deeply.
It was still there, the lingering smell of Dylan. Although feint. It wouldn’t be there for long and I was terrified. It was fading, even after all the months I stored it in ziplock bags trying my damnedest to keep the scent.
I pulled it snuggly around me and lay on the sofa. I didn’t want to forget. I didn’t’ want to move on. I wanted to stay here where we belonged and smell him. I wanted him to push me in that swing, one more time. I wanted to fly into the air and never come back down…
I fell asleep.
I awoke the next morning angry. I was angry because I didn’t dream of him and for the first time since Dylan’s death, I was petrified of losing him all over again. Scared he’d fade away and that all too familiar feeling of fear radiated through my veins. I didn’t know how to hold on. I’d become so used to my little world of pain and pity I found it near impossible to cope outside of its clutches.
Later that afternoon, my cell phone rang, and I knew who it was before looking at the screen. Now I know she meant well. She only wanted for me to heal and get back to living. There were times I thought it was to ease her own conscious. She was moving forward with her life. She didn’t let his death consume her. She liked talking about him, said it was cathartic to remember the good times. She didn’t understand I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t. I wasn’t ready.
I had all that built up guilt. Perfect term by the way, ‘Built up Guilt’.
I was relieved I didn’t have to work. The thought of going to the greenhouses everyday, watching life around me continuing like nothing happened. It would all be too much. It would be near impossible for me to function.
Libby tried to talk me into coming back several times.
“It will be good for you Reny. You need to be doing something.”
“I don’t want to Libby. Please.”
She got frustrated with me once.
“You don’t know how upsetting it is to know you’re in constant pain, torturing yourself everyday. If you would give it a try, you’d see you could do it.”
“Not now Libby. I can’t.”
“Dylan wouldn’t…”
“Dylan wouldn’t what Lib?”
“He wouldn’t do this. He’d get on with his life. He’d force himself to.”
I knew she was right.
Dylan was so much stronger than I was about things like that. He would never push memories of me away and wallow in self-pity like I was doing. He would honor me by keeping me alive in his heart, telling anyone who would listen how much he loved me. How silly I was when I drank. How cute it was I was so afraid of spiders. He’d laugh when he told the story of how I broke my ankle trying to show off kicking a football. How he loved it when I smiled and my dimples would show. How I could never say the word pillow. Still can’t.
Has it really been over a year?
Chapter 11
The days turned into weeks and Libby finally tired of calling and getting no answer. I felt bad doing that to her but I was angry with her for not respecting my wish to be left alone.
I had fun that night out and it felt great to feel alive for a brief time, but I wasn’t in my comfort zone.
I opened the cupboard and took out the last can of coffee. I had two scoops left. That’s half a pot.
It was time to go to the supermarket again. I resigned myself to that fact and took a shower. Afterwards, I got dressed and dried my hair. Then I grabbed my cardholder, my keys and left the apartment to made my way down to the garage.
I robotically drove out of town leaving my identity behind. Making sure not to notice the people living their lives; going to work, shopping, walking, cycling. It was especially hard when I saw mothers pushing their strollers around.
It was a given, every time I saw a baby my heart would beat like a drum in my chest, I’d break out in a cold sweat, I’d absentmindedly rub my belly and before I could control it, I’d cry. I tried explaining that to Libby, the hollow emptiness and deep sorrow I felt whenever I left the apartment. It was easier to stay cocooned in my own little safe world. Where cowboys ruled the television. Where no music played. Where no laughter rang out. Where no faces graced the walls.
After I parked the car, I pushed the cart inside the store and loaded up it with food and toiletries. Necessities and…scallops. Bay scallops? Without realizing it, I had placed the ingredients to make that scallop ceviche I’d had that night out in Adelphia in my cart. Celery, onions, lemons and limes. I shook my head as I rounded the corner of the paper aisle.
I bent down to place the paper towels under the cart and when I stood up blue eyes...Mark was standing there.
“Nice to see you again Reny.”
“Stalk much?”
He let out a laugh that got the attention of the other shoppers in the aisle and I immediately felt the heat rush to my neck and face.
“No, I don’t stalk. I am however getting groceries. Which I believe is considered normal in a supermarket.”
“Well, how is it you are here the last two times I came in?” He shook his head and grinned. “I wish you wouldn’t do that.”
“I happen to shop here. I’m here every day. Do what?”
I hadn’t realized I spoke my thoughts out loud.
“Grin like an idiot. Why? Why are you here every day?” I was truly baffled and I also wanted to get past the idiot comment.
“I like to eat and I like to cook fresh food.”
“Every day? That’s a bit much isn’t it?” He leaned over and peered into my cart then shook his head. “Why are you doing that? Stop.”
“You really ought to take better care of yourself. Do you know how many preservatives are in those frozen meals? Do you realize how many chemicals you’re putting into your body?”
“I don’t think what I eat is any of your business.”
“You’re right, it isn’t. I apologize. I was trying to help. Honestly.” He stood there glaring at me. “Reny, why are you so hostile? I’m trying to have a conversation with you.”
“You don’t know me.” I was getting uncomfortable and angry with myself for coming back to this supermarket. I can only blame myself, it was all my own fault.
“That’s the point of talking, getting to know someone. I would very much like to get to know you.”
“Why?”
“Because I find you attractive, and something tells me that behind that wall you built around yourself is a nice person.”
“Do you always make small talk and flirt with women you don’t know in supermarkets?”
“No. Typically I like making small talk in bowling alleys. You bowl?”
I wasn’t expecting that answer and I let out a laugh. I shouldn’t really call it a laugh. It was more like a cross between a twitter and a snort.
“So you have a sense of humor hiding beneath that stony exterior. I thought as much.”
“Oh, you did, did you?”
“Yes ma’am, I did. And do you think I’m flirting?”
“I do.”
“Well, are you otherwise involved? Boyfriend? Significant other?”
“No.” Dylan’s face flitted through my brain for a few seconds and I felt a slight panic attack coming on.
“How about we start all over again.” He extended his hand. “Hi I’m Mark Williams, and you are?”
I placed my hand in his grip and he tightened it slightly. I was unaccustomed to a man’s touch. It had been so long, but I had to admit I liked how warm his hand was. I like how it totally encased my
own, so strong. I looked up into his face and nearly forgot my name gazing into those cobalt blues. “Reny. Reny McAdams.”
“Well Reny McAdams, I would like to take you out sometime. Maybe lunch?”
“Um. I… don’t…”
“Eat. You don’t eat?”
“Of course I eat, I’m in a supermarket aren’t I?” I looked down at my feet, “It’s just…”
“Ahhh, you’re not going to turn me down. Are you?” he cut me off.
“It’s difficult…hard to explain.”
“I’m a great listener. They say that talking it out takes the fear out of it.”
“Who says that? Why do you think I’m afraid?”
“Your body language, the way you avoid contact with…me…with everyone.”
“You surmised that in the little time you’ve been in my company?”
“I’m good at reading people.” He smiled and it caught me off guard.
“Well, there’s nothing to read here.”
“On the contrary, there are many layers to read there. And I’d like to get to know you.”
I was at a loss for words. He was persistent, that I’ll give him.
“You give tenacity new meaning.”
“I don’t give up easily when I want something.”
“What exactly do you want from me?”
“I’d like the chance to get to know you better. I assure you I have no ulterior motives.” He looked directly into my eyes with his penetrating blues and I gripped the handle of the cart tightly, my knuckles whitened. “So what do you say? Can I take you out for lunch?”
I shifted from one foot to the other.
“How about coffee?” I finally blurted out, looking for something, anything that would propel this conversation and let me leave.
“I can work with coffee.” His smile lit up his whole face. I hated that.
“You can?” I was surprised he settled so quickly.
“Yup. Baby steps.” He smiled again.
My breath caught in my chest.
“Now about those frozen entrees.”
Where I Found My Heart Page 4