“So, where are you two going?”
“I’ve made reservations at Union Square Café.”
“Oh, I heard good things about that restaurant.”
“The food is excellent. If you get the chance to go, I highly recommend it.”
“I’ll tell Josh to take me there.”
“Josh?”
“My soon to be fiancé, if he finally get’s on with it and asks me officially.” She laughed.
“I’m sure it’s coming soon.” I said as I stepped in the room, “He’s nuts about her.”
I don’t think Mark heard a word I said. He stared at me like I was a ghost. Libby had her goofy grin on and I, well, I stood there like a statue.
“You are absolutely…breathtaking.” His voice was smooth as silk and I gripped my purse tighter. That line followed by his smile…well.
“She cleans up real good.” Libby said with a Southern accent.
“Thank you…both… I think.” I shot a look at Libby.
“Remember to be home by midnight…you know the pumpkin thing.” She whispered the last part.
“Yeah, midnight.”
Mark stepped forward and took my hand, “It was worth every single morning.”
I must have looked confused.
“Every morning I sat at that Coffee Shack, it was worth every single one of them.”
I smiled at the compliment, but inwardly I was trembling from head to toe. I was so out of my comfort zone here; like a fish out of water, so to speak.
“Shall we?”
“Yes.” I turned and gave Libby a hug and whispered ‘thank you’ in her ear, “I’ll see you later?”
“Yup, I’ll be the one lounging around in the cute Sponge Bob jammies.” She laughed.
When we stepped outside I looked for the dark blue sedan but didn’t see it.
“You parked near?” I was worried about navigating the sidewalk with these shoes. I haven’t worn heels in a long time and was unsure I’d be able to remain upright.
“Tonight we are going in this.” He stepped down the last step and a chauffer stepped over and opened the back door of a limousine.
“Miss.” He touched the brim of his hat.
“Thank you.” I dipped and lowered myself to the seat. I skooched over as soon as I got in making room for Mark.
He got in and the door was closed behind him. He leaned forward and reached over me to pull my seatbelt into position. The loud click echoed in the large space.
Lifting the top of a large square glossy wood box he removed a bottle of Champagne and poured a glass, “Champagne?”
I took it. I could use any help to calm my raging nerves.
“Thank you.” I said softly as I smoothed my dress on my lap.
Then he poured himself one and set the bottle back inside the box before lowering the lid.
“To tonight.”
“To tonight.” I repeated. “Wow, I wasn’t expecting this.” I nodded indicating the limousine.
“I figured with the hassle of driving in Manhattan, finding parking, walking the streets…all bothersome. Especially when I can spend that time getting to know you.”
I sipped on the Champagne. “Delicious.”
He sat back and pulled his seatbelt across his lap, locking it into place. Then pushed a button above his head. “We’re ready Ralph.”
The car slowly pulled out, and we were on our way.
“So. What is it you do Mark?” I said as I looked around at the interior of the limousine.
“I own a Real Estate Management business.”
“Oh. Well, that would explain why your boss wasn’t angry when you stopped for coffee every morning, spending an hour waiting for a stranger to walk in.”
He laughed at my comment, and inwardly I prayed I would make it through this night.
Chapter 17
To tell you the truth, I was more afraid of having to tell him about my past then I was of thwarting his advances, but he made the ride into the City entertaining with stories of his adventures in the kitchen. Turns out we have that in common. A shared love of cooking, although mine has somewhat faded in the past year.
The car stopped in front of the Union Square Café and I’d just about released my seatbelt when the door was pulled open by a smiling Ralph.
Mark stepped out first then assisted me. He held my hand and gently squeezed it. I have to admit I was surprised at my reaction. I got a warm tingly kind of sensation, although I could easily blame it on the Champagne, and definitely did.
Dinner was wonderful, both the food and the wine delicious. And Mark was a great talker. He has this way about him—a free going kind of relaxed feeling—that made you feel at ease. I contributed a small amount to the evening by recounting stories from when I was young, my life before Dylan. It seemed safer somehow to keep it to the times before I met Dylan. I wasn’t ready to talk about that part of my life yet. I still had way too much pain.
When they brought out the dessert and coffee I giggled. I’m pretty sure I was a bit inebriated.
“What?”
“Just thinking about you and the Coffee Shack.”
“Hey. Don’t knock a plan that works. And it worked didn’t it?”
“Yes. I guess it did.”
There was an awkward silence and I rushed to fill it.
“Where did you get your love of cooking?”
“My wife Jennifer. She always pulled me into the kitchen to help her and I picked it up quick.” He smiled, but it was a somewhat sad smile. “She said I was a natural. I think it was more to keep me in there with her, but I ended up loving it.”
“You’re not still…she and you.”
“No. No, Jennifer died a little over a year and a half ago.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry.” I was more than sorry. I was flooded with memories I wanted kept away. I stammered, “It’s not my business. I’m so sorry.” I suddenly felt sick.
“I don’t mind talking about it.” He looked down at his plate for a moment, “Although there was a time when it was too difficult to talk about.” He looked up at me, and it was almost like he was checking to see how I was handling the news he’s divulged, “When she first died I hated the world and everything and everyone in it. Took me some time before I could stand to be near people again.”
“I’m sorry to bring up such a painful memory… I’m sor…it…it’s obvious that you loved her…very much.” I don’t know why I said that. I couldn’t be sure that’s the way he felt, but the way he said her name and the sadness that clouded his beautiful blue eyes told me he loved her a great deal, and for a moment I hurt for him.
“I did. She was a wonderful person in every way. She was a phenomenal human being, a warm and wonderful woman, she was perfect…well perfect for me that is.” He laughed awkwardly. “But I finally realized keeping myself away from others, was only making what was already horrible, worse. I knew she wanted me to go on with my life, and I promised her I would do that. It was the last thing I told her, that, and I loved her.”
I was on the verge of crying my eyes out here, every muscle in my body tensed, and I think Mark sensed that. He asked for the check and we both walked solemnly to the car, each of us thinking of another time.
When we got inside and were seated he pushed the button and gave Ralph an address, I’m pretty sure he said Upper East Side. I don’t know why but I got nervous. I twisted my hands together and leaned back in the seat. Again, Mark reached over and pulled my seatbelt across me, clicking in place before doing the same with his. My body froze and tingled at the same time.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bring up memories you…”
“No. I like talking about Jenn. It helps me a great deal.”
“How?” I was a ball of turmoil now and maddeningly confused. “How does it help to talk about losing the one person you loved so much?” I knew it was coming and there was nothing I could do, I even told myself, rather loudly, not to open my mouth, but here it was; a more then
healthy dose of heartbreak coming his way. “I can’t seem to get past it.” It was a declaration.
He nodded, as if he knew what I would say. Almost like he was expecting it.
“I…I can’t get past it.” Guess what came next? Sobs. That’s what was next. Sobs, the likes of which I never wanted to experience again, overtook me and here I was crying my heart out to a total stranger in the back of a limousine.
Mark sat next to me, caring blue eyes, solemn expression, encouraging me to go on. I couldn’t help it, I glared at him through my tears. He must have seen the anger on my face.
“If you’d rather not talk I totally understand,” He sat back against the seat, “I was like that for a long time. It took time, but I finally came around…finally got back to living…I know it helped me to talk about it, about us.”
Us?
Suddenly I felt alone. Like I had no one to help me. I felt the first pangs of anger…and jealousy?
“How did your wife die?” It was almost an accusatory question. Almost like it couldn’t possibly be worse than my situation. Like it was a contest to see who suffered more. Like my pain is somehow more palpable than anyone I’ve ever known or heard about.
I know it sounds insane, but grief does strange things to a person. It is almost dehumanizing.
He closed his eyes. But before he did I saw a look of regret.
“She died of Chronic myelomonocytic leukaemia. It’s a rare blood cancer.” When he said it he had a pained look on his face.
But I felt triumphant in a very selfish kind of way.
“I’m sorry. That is awful.” I took a deep breath knowing I was about upstage him. Like grief could somehow be measured, and by way of the consummation of pain, an award would be given to the winner, the one with most sadness, most agony. It was a singular pain, one that couldn’t be explained away by a biologic malfeasance. “I killed Dylan.”
He blinked and tried to refocus. It was then I knew I won, that I was the worse off then the two of us. I was more…pitiful. But it got his attention and his eyes widened at the forcefulness of my tone.
“Why do you think you killed him?” He quickly regained his composure.
It was a simple question; it was the answer that was not.
“He died because I was selfish. I killed him.” I hadn’t said that aloud for a long time and the impact it had on me was nothing short of monumental. I cried like there was no tomorrow and silently wished there wasn’t. “I was so selfish. I only cared for what I wanted. I was hungry for ice cream. I asked him to get it for me. I was…I was pregnant. I had a craving for ice cream and pound cake.” I rubbed my stomach. I know this because he took my hand off my belly and held it in his.
The tears started again.
I pulled my hand away from him and covered my eyes.
I felt like my head weighed a hundred pounds. Like it would explode with all the emotions I was experiencing.
“I’ve been exactly where you are now. I understand what you’re going through.”
“He never came home.” I turned my head and stared out the window. The beauty of the moon bouncing off the water was lost on me now, but it was something I knew Dylan would feel the need to point out. I laughed harshly.
“I sent him out and he never came back. He was killed in a car accident and it was all my fault, just as much as if I took a gun and shot him.”
“But you didn’t.” His voice was soft and sincere.
“It had the same end result, because of me he’s dead.”
“You said it was a car accident.”
“Yes.”
“Reny, we all have to deal with pain and loss at some point of our lives, but if we blame ourselves for something we had no control over, we’d never be able to move forward. I finally came to that conclusion and it nearly killed me getting there. I’d hate to see the same happen to you.”
“I lost our baby.”
That declaration brought with it a silence that seemed to go on and on.
“I’m sorry. That must have been…I can’t even imagine.” He lowered his head.
“Do you mind taking me home. I’m not feeling well.”
“Of course.” He pushed the button above his head, “Ralph, we’re ready to go back to Ms. McAdam’s home.”
“Yes sir.”
I leaned back against the headrest and stared straight ahead. I was having a lovely time until I opened my mouth and a world of hurt spilled out around the both of us and like a rushing river encircled us.
We finally pulled up outside my apartment building and Mark stepped out before assisting me out.
“Well, I sure know how to spark a first date.” I mumbled.
He laughed and shook his head.
“Believe it or not. I had a really great time. And you are probably the best time I’ve had in a long time.”
“That is so sad.” I laughed keeping my voice low.
“I’d like to see you again.”
“You’ve got to be kidding me.” I was surprised as all hell.
“No. I’m not and just so you know, it gets easier going forward.”
“Well, it sure as hell couldn’t get much harder.”
“Please say you’ll go out with me again.” Between the tone in his voice and the plea in his eyes I felt so confused, but a part of me needed it. Needed him. I just didn’t know it yet.
“I’d like that…I think.”
“I’ll take that. At least I’ve got a fighting chance. Baby steps.” He grinned like a fool and I couldn’t help but smile.
“Thank you again for tonight.” I felt like a total ass saying that, especially how the evening ended.
He leaned in and kissed each of my eyelids before lightly kissing my cheek.
“Till next time.”
“Goodnight Mark.” I turned and unlocked the door.
As soon as I locked the door behind me Libby was standing there, as promised, in her Sponge Bob jammies. She took one look at me and her eyes welled.
“It all came out…just came out.” I said crying on Patrick Star. Holy cow, I was having an awful effect on people tonight.
“Oh Reny. I’m so sorry.”
I washed up and got undressed, hung the beautiful dark red dress in the closet. Then kicked my shoes off and went into the bathroom to wash my face. Afterwards I walked back into the bedroom wearing my nightshirt and climbed into bed next to Libby.
“You want to talk about it?”
“Not really. He was married. His wife died.”
“Oh my God. From what?” I noted she didn’t sound too surprised.
“Some kind of cancer.”
“That’s horrible.”
“Yeah. We have a few things in common.” The irony was overwhelming.
“Was the whole night a wash?”
“No. Dinner was nice, and everything tasted so good.”
“Are you going to see him again?” She asked as I turned off the lights.
“I don’t know. I mean, in a way it was like the weight of a boulder was taken off my back, but in another way, that kind of pain…both of us. I just don’t think it can work.”
“I think you should sleep. Things will be different in the morning.”
“You know Libs, there are times when you sound just like Dylan.”
“I’ll take that as a compliment.”
I smiled in the dark.
“Night Libs I love you.”
“Me too Ren.”
Chapter 18
When I woke up the next day the smell of bacon was beckoning. I haven’t smelled that savory, sweet, smoky smell for such a long time. In case you haven’t picked up on it, I love bacon. I got up and brushed my teeth real fast then practically jogged into the kitchen.
“Coffee?”
“Yes please.”
“I’m making ‘spit in the oceans’.”
“And bacon.”
“Yes, and bacon.” She shook her head and laughed under her breath.
I haven’
t had a spit in the ocean in like forever, almost as long as I haven’t had bacon. It’s a McAdams family specialty. You make a hole in the center of thick sourdough bread and in a buttery fry pan you crack an egg into the hole. After a minute or two you flip it, then serve. When you cut into it the yolks ooze onto the grilled bread and…well, it’s perfect. Dylan used to make it for me all the time.
I poured us each a glass of orange juice and brought the bottle over to the table as Libby was putting down the plates. I was hungrier than I thought.
“Libs, I love this. I’ve missed this.” I said waving my arm.
“Spit in the oceans?” she asked.
“That and this.” I took a sip of my orange juice, “I’ve missed everything. Family…breakfast…bacon.”
“Good, cause we’re doing this,” she waved her arm over the table, “a lot more often. Got it?”
“Got it.” I said with a mouth full of toasted bread and egg. Followed directly with bacon.
“You look much better. Sleep well?”
“I did. Even though I feel like a total fool for breaking down like that, and I know I must have looked horrible, it was somewhat therapeutic.”
“You going to see him again?”
“If he had his way yes.”
She smiled, “what if you had your way.”
“We’ll see.” I smirked.
“That’s better than a straight out no.”
Just then my phone chimed. I had a text, which if you knew me would seem odd. The only person in the whole world who would text me was sitting next to me. I got up and grabbed the phone from my purse, looking down at the message I read it and smiled.
Believe it or not, I had an awesome time last night. Hope to hear from you soon. I’ll be waiting.
I brought the phone over and showed a very curious Libby the message.
“Told you that guy is really into you.”
“Yes you did.” I put the phone down and finished my breakfast. We spent an hour being lazy before we both showered and dressed for work.
“Coffee Shack?” she asked me as we drove to work. I didn’t have my car since we’d left it in the nursery parking lot when we went to go shopping yesterday.
Where I Found My Heart Page 7