“Sorry we weren’t home when you got there,” he says to Lily. Why is he out of breath? He parked crooked at the curb, not a good sign.
“Don’t worry about it,” Lily says, but her tone says the opposite.
“I had an emergency at the clinic, dog with road rash. A poodle was riding in the bed of the truck, no carrier—”
“Oh, I hope the poor thing will be all right.” Lily is standing back, away from the doctor, her arms crossed over her chest in a protective stance.
I wonder if the dog was Fifi?
“It was serious but I think the little guy will survive.”
“I’m glad. Where’s Bish? Did she come with you?” Lily glances toward the window. The addition is going up quickly on the shop across the street.
Ben looks at the table on which Lily has laid the dress. “I thought I should come on my own, so you and I can talk.”
“About what?” Her voice is clipped, her heartbeat sad.
“About Altona being at the house. That shouldn’t have happened. You finding her there. I’m sorry.”
Uh-oh. The ex-wife was at the house? So that’s the unfamiliar scent on his skin.
“I’m glad she was there, in a way. I should get my head out of the sand.” But Lily is gazing out the window, not pushing her head into any sand.
Ben takes a step toward her, and she takes a step back. “All I can say is I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to explain. Honestly, it’s not my business.”
“Altona and I—we have a history.”
Lily tightens her arms across her chest, as if this will make a stronger shield. “This is your family, your life. I’ve got a history, too. Unfortunately, my husband is no longer here. I can’t test things out to see if it might still work between us.”
Ben’s face has gone pale. He presses a hand to his forehead. “I didn’t mean for it to happen. But she came back.”
“It’s okay. You don’t have to explain to me.”
“I feel a need to, for some reason. I don’t want to hurt you.”
She looks at the mannequin that is now wearing a new suit, since Lily gave the old jacket to Ben. A small, derisive laugh comes out of her. “You think you’re capable of hurting me more than I’ve already been hurt? Who do you think you are?”
“You’re right. I know. Believe me, I do. Be angry with me, but I hope you’ll still give the dress to Bish.”
Lily looks at the dress. “I was going to cut it to pieces. But then I looked at it and I thought, it’s beautiful. I can’t destroy it.”
“Don’t ruin it. Bish will love it.”
“Her mom should get her a dress. Altona said she was taking Bish shopping today. She showed me a picture of the three of you on a ski lift at Tahoe and—”
“She did what?”
“It’s okay—you two were married. You have photos.”
“I’m sorry she did that, but I can’t erase my past. I can’t let everything go and pretend it didn’t happen.”
“Neither can I.”
“No, you can’t. Your husband will always be with you. You wear him around your neck. How can I ever compete with a dead man?”
Lily’s hand flies to the vial on her necklace. Her face is ashen now. She says nothing, and Ben looks regretful. They stare at each other for a moment, and when he walks out the door, there is nothing I can do.
Chapter Thirty-nine
Lily
Lily lay in bed in the early morning, during the hazy moments between sleep and waking when anything still seemed possible, when Josh could still be lying beside her. He could get up and yawn and run water in the bathroom, his hair tousled. She could wake up and smile at him, find his things on the bureau—pennies and crumpled dollar bills and a stick of gum. He could get dressed, stuff his things back into his pockets, put on his watch. Make a pot of coffee. They could make plans for the day.
She held on to a dream of him, but this time, he’d appeared only as a vague essence. She could not conjure a clear image of his face, and as the gray dawn pulled her into consciousness, he dissipated, and the real world flooded in.
The bureau was as she had left it the night before—messy with junk mail, library books, a pair of socks, a bra. She faced another rainy autumn day alone in Fairport, another day that Ben might be spending with Altona only a few blocks away. Bish might be there, too, sharing breakfast with her parents. Lily imagined them laughing together over cereal or eggs, Ben kissing Altona good-bye. Altona in his long plaid shirt, maybe a different one today—red instead of blue.
Stop it, you can’t keep torturing yourself, Lily thought, sitting up. She couldn’t let her mind drift to the night she had spent with Ben. In those hours, she had forgotten Josh. Now the universe had decided to punish her. She’d betrayed him.
Dammit, Josh. Come back. She rubbed her eyes. She was crying again, as if Josh had died only the day before. The stages of grief were hogwash. She could ping-pong back and forth from the depths of anguish to moments of joy, and she never knew which one was coming. She hadn’t known what she would find at Ben’s house, either.
How long had it been since she’d gone over there with the Homecoming dress? A week? Ten days? The hours and days blended together. Had the Homecoming dance already passed? No, it was coming up the following weekend. Bish had not stopped by the shop, but why should she? Altona had probably bought her a perfect dress.
Ben had called a few times, had left messages, but Lily had not returned his calls. What was there to say? She had gone through the motions of life, of running the shop—working with Florence to plan the Winter Downtown Sale; altering more clothes; going to a couple of estate sales on her own; working on her displays.
The kitty stayed with her, a comforting companion, but even the cat could not hold off the night—the soft, quiet hours in which Lily felt particularly alone and vulnerable. How would she move forward? How could she stay in Fairport? She didn’t want to run away. In many ways, she’d grown to love the cottage and the town. She knew the checkout clerks at the organic grocery store, the postman, the librarian, the volunteers at the Renewal Society and the Historical Museum. She’d walked the beaches and forest trails. She even liked the tap of rain on the roof, the way the light slanted in through beveled glass windows. She’d come to know which planks creaked in the wooden floor, the particular hiss from the heating vents.
The cat lay across the foot of the bed, grooming her face. She squinted at Lily and purred. If only life could be so simple—eat, sleep, groom, play, purr. Could Lily return to enjoying the simple things? She no longer ate a breakfast of toast and Market Spice tea. She enjoyed a latte now and then from the Java Hut, where she’d gotten to know the tattooed barista. She varied her diet from oatmeal one day to peanut butter the next, maybe a muffin, maybe eggs. In the evenings, sometimes she even cooked. But still, the emptiness persisted.
She hadn’t been in love with Ben after all, had she? So she had slept with him. So what? Why did she keep thinking about him? About his pale gray eyes, the way he smiled when he talked about Bish? The way he looked—handsome and determined—when he steered a boat?
He’d been correct in saying that she could never let go of Josh. So how could she fault Ben for holding on to his ex-wife? Was Altona planning to stay with him forever? Would they be remarried?
As Lily got up and moved through her morning rituals of feeding the cat, reading the newspaper, and making her tea, she wondered if she had, in fact, been attracted to Ben from the beginning. He’d been so gentle with the little cat, concerned with her welfare and irritated with Lily, believing she didn’t care. Had he been interested in her then, too? Annoyed by his attraction to her? Was that why he’d come over in the night on a house call?
She couldn’t know, couldn’t gain any perspective. She’d tried to get away. The day after she’d gone over to Ben’s place, she’d taken the ferry into Seattle, but the crowds and traffic and high-rises had overwhelmed her—culture shock after her man
y months on the island. She’d driven north toward Green Lake, where Drew Galt had opened her shop on a pretty, fir-lined street. Drew had not been there, so Lily had wandered through the chic boutique, had almost gone up to the slender woman at the counter, but had decided against it and left. She had never seriously considered taking a job with Drew Galt, so why had she gone? She needed to see what Drew had offered her, but she’d had no desire to return to the city life.
Where did that leave her? She could close the shop and move back home with her parents. That would be fun. Or she could keep trying to make life work in the yellow cottage. So she braved another day in the shop, and in the evening, she felt restless. She put a few altered shirts into a bag for Paige and decided to walk up to her house to drop them off, as Paige had not been in to pick them up.
Paige lived in one of the original Victorians from the early days of the timber industry. Rows of rose bushes in the garden looked bare and forlorn. The carved wooden sign on the gate read Williams Residence.
Lily knocked on the ornate front door, and Paige answered in a floral robe. “Lily! I was just getting ready for bed.”
“Sorry to bother you. I needed to get some air.”
Paige pushed the hair out of her eyes. “Come on in.” She stepped aside and Lily entered the foyer, the smell of chocolate chip cookies wafting into her nose. “Smells good in here.”
“I’ve been baking, a rare occurrence, so take note. I heard what happened.”
Lily looked at Paige. “What do you mean, what happened?”
“I know Altona is back.”
“Oh.” Lily looked at her running shoes. “Small town, nothing private, right?”
“Maybe you should sit down. I’ll make you some tea—”
“I brought your alterations.” Lily handed the bag to Paige.
“Oh, I should’ve made it in sooner! I’ve been so busy.”
“No worries. Pay me next time you come in.”
“So what are you going to do?” Paige asked.
Lily shrugged. “What is there to do?”
“She’s not going to stay. Altona, I mean. She never does. He’ll figure it out someday. Takes time.”
“Maybe. But…I was an idiot to get involved with him.”
“No, you weren’t,” Paige said. “You were only human. He’s a good guy. He’s just confused.”
“I’m confused, too, and I’ve had enough.” Lily glanced into the living room, decorated in plush, opulent furnishings and a lot of floral detail in the frilly curtains. Family photographs crowded the mantel, and a calico cat was curled up on the couch.
“I think he really likes you,” Paige went on. “I had lunch with Vanya, and she told me he was upset after you saw him. Moody.”
“He was always moody. This really is a small town. I should go—”
“We’re not as gossipy as you might think. Okay, we are. The point is, don’t give up. I have this terrible feeling that you’re going to leave, and we need you here.”
Lily’s brows rose. “You need me?”
Paige nodded.
“Mommy? Who’s at the door?” A tiny boy came down the hall in fire engine pajamas, his dark hair tousled, spots of red and blue paint on his face. The boy from the photo in Paige’s wallet.
Paige rested her hand on his head. “Johnny, this is my friend Lily.”
“Hello, Johnny,” Lily said. “Pleased to meet you.”
He rubbed his eyes. “I want milk with the cookies. And a story!”
“I’ll see what I can do,” Paige said. “Go and wash your face. You’ve got paint on your cheek.”
He looked at Lily, a little wary, then ran down the hall.
“More than one splash with the water!” Paige yelled after him.
“I know!” He disappeared into the bathroom.
“He’s living here?” Lily said.
Paige gazed down the hall with fondness. “He’s staying here for a few days.”
“That’s great. I know you wanted more time with him. Well, I should be going.”
“Give kitty a pet for me. I owe her for picking out the green dress. Changed my life, and it’s not like I get a second chance every day, you know.”
“A second chance?”
Paige examined her fingernails, still short. “I’ve been clean over two years now—”
“Clean?” What on earth was she talking about?
“I did twelve-step, rehab, AA.”
“I didn’t know.” Lily did not see any hint of addiction on Paige’s face, in her manner. Were such things always visible?
“That’s why I lost Johnny. I didn’t have the courage to even try to get him back, but then I met the lawyer at the wedding—”
“That was the guy?”
Paige nodded. “He’s helping me…It was the dress. He said I looked beautiful in it. I’m never getting rid of it. We’ll get married in it. I guess I’m jumping ahead. We’re only dating right now.”
“Wow, Paige. That’s great.”
Johnny burst out of the bathroom and came charging down the hall. He leaned against Paige’s thigh, still in his pajamas. “Can I have cookies now? I washed my face.”
“Let me see, honey.” She kneeled and looked into his eyes, cupped his cheeks in her hands. “You look clean, really clean.”
He grinned broadly.
“Well, bye,” Lily said. “Good to meet you, Johnny!” She hurried down the path.
“We’ll be in soon!” Paige called out.
The sky was growing darker, a pale turquoise, and an owl hooted in the trees. Lily thought of Paige at her ex-husband’s wedding, resplendent in her altered emerald dress, meeting a new man. Getting her son back, if only temporarily, and pulling herself out of addiction. Perhaps anything was possible, after all.
Chapter Forty
Lily
In the morning, Rupert came in with a tall, well-dressed man and introduced him as Michael.
“I’m pleased to finally meet you,” Lily said, and shook Michael’s hand.
“I’ve heard about you,” Michael said.
Rupert grinned. “I told Michael all about how you helped me with the suit.”
“The one I altered? I just made some minor adjustments.”
“More than minor. You altered my whole life.”
“Oh, I wouldn’t say that.” She looked at her shoes.
“You did,” Michael said. “Did you know that was the first time Rupert had been back to Virginia since the two of us moved in together? We’re talking over a decade. And it took the death of his mother.”
“Your mother! I’m so sorry, Rupert. I didn’t know.”
Rupert took off his gloves and tucked them in his pockets. “Don’t worry. I didn’t tell you. I told you I needed a suit for a funeral, that’s all.”
“But it was purple!”
Michael smiled at Rupert. “The perfect color. His parents were none too happy about us, didn’t even want to see him again. But he went back. He had the courage.”
“I’m sorry,” Lily said. “But were you able to reconcile with—?”
“No,” Rupert said. “My father still won’t talk to me. Neither will my brother.”
“But the rest of your family?”
“That’s it, father and brother. A few cousins and friends. But it was enough that I went back. Nothing can be perfect. I went to my mom’s memorial service and I threw flowers into her grave. Nobody said a word to me. But I said what I needed to say. And I wore a suit that fit me perfectly. It was my color, too.”
“Rupert, I…” she began.
Rupert looked in the mirror, then at Lily. “I hope you don’t leave us. I’ve been hearing rumors.”
She laughed. “What rumors? What have you heard?”
“I teach piano lessons to Bish,” Rupert said. “She hadn’t been practicing, did a terrible job with her Bach inventions. She mentioned something about you and her dad getting into a fight, and she thinks you’re mad at the both of them.”
Rupert and Michael looked at each other, and then Rupert said, “Her mom came and left. Left being the operative word.”
Lily’s heart jumped, but why should she care? “Oh, poor Bish. I hear her mom does that a lot, comes and goes.”
“I think the ‘going’ is for good this time,” Rupert said, then held up his hands. “Don’t take my word for it. I’m just getting that feeling. She moved out a bunch of boxes while I was over there giving Bish her lesson. It was distracting to say the least.”
Michael nodded. “Nobody has respect for piano teachers these days.”
“Terrible,” Lily said, her mind whirling. She couldn’t care, shouldn’t care. “If you talk to Bish again, I would like to see her. I’m not mad at her.”
“I’ll tell her for sure,” Rupert said, going over to a black tuxedo. “Our big news is, we’re getting married. We’ve been meaning to come and tell you.”
“Married? Wow! I’m happy for you both. Congratulations.” Lily hugged each of them in turn.
Rupert took his gloves out of his pockets and put them back on. “We want you to do the clothing.”
“Me?” Lily looked around the shop. How could she possibly plan all the outfits for a wedding ceremony?
“We want pictures of us with kitty, too.” Rupert picked her up and cradled her.
“But I only have a few tuxedoes and—”
“You’ve got enough,” Rupert said, giving her a knowing look. “We can make it work. You’re doing it.”
Lily nodded, took a deep breath. “Okay, Rupert, yes, you’re right. I’m honored. We can definitely make it work.”
Chapter Forty-one
Lily
Bish arrived early on Saturday morning, bundled in a new puffy white parka that extended almost to her knees and made her resemble a quilted comforter. In matching winter boots, fuzzy hat, and windstopper gloves, she was equipped to trek to the North Pole. A splash of madrone-colored hair escaped from the hat and formed an unruly frame around her face. Her eyes looked different, older. She wore black-rimmed glasses in a sophisticated style, no longer her bright red frames. Her stance was somehow more grown-up and worldly, too, and Lily imagined her in her twenties, in her thirties, her forties, then stooped and arthritic, her glasses turning into bifocals or trifocals, here in the world and then gone.
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