by J Bennett
How to Defeat a Hero
The Henchman’s Survival Guide, Book 2
By J Bennett
Acknowledgments
Thank you to my critique crew, Hummingbird, Vine, The Fat Tubist, and Wild Infinity
Cover by Sinisa Poznanovic
Copyright © 2019 by J Bennett All rights reserved
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events or locales is entirely coincidental.
The publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for third-party websites or their content
List of Acronyms
FIG - Fame Is the Game
TAW -- Tech Always Wins
NBD -- No Big Deal
BGR -- Betrayal Gets Ratings
RoS -- Ratings or Swiped
VRIR -- Virtual Reality Is Reality
PIC -- Pain Is Currency
RAE -- Ratings Are Everything
HALC -- Hustle a Little Currency
RTS -- Ride the Storm
Chapter 1
We are a city of great deeds, great sacrifices, and great heroes. There’s no place like Big Little City. ~ Mayor Grimbal Wisenberg, 14th Re-dedication of The Hero Statue
~
There are plenty of brill opportunities to wreak havoc upon Big Little City, which is why it’s so disappointing that we’re on our way to kidnap the mayor.
How unoriginal.
I’d expected something better on my first mission as a henchman for The Professor.
Let’s just be clear about this. Every two-cent vil who wants to grab a little fame has taken a shot at nabbing Mayor Grimbal Wisenberg. I’m guessing Wisenberg orders his window replacements in bulk.
Leo’s a canny producer. During our henchman tryouts, he revealed a knack for throwing well-considered and thoroughly unhappy surprises at us. So why did he devise such a cringey launch of The Professor’s semi-reality show?
Course, I can’t show my disappointment. The cams are rolling as the rental van trundles us to our devious destination. That means my face is frozen into an expression of intent seriousness. Squished between Sequoia and Mermaid in the back row, I close my eyes and remind myself to think of them by the new henchman handles. Sequoia is Nitrogen and Mermaid is Arsenic. It’d be just the perfect launch to my henchman career if I blurted out the nicknames I made up for them during tryouts.
A streetlight washes over us, glinting on the lab goggles pulled over our eyes. When we pass the light, darkness descends again, halted only by the glowing LEDs in each of our bowties.
I glance out the window as we approach Iconic Square, home to the governor’s mansion. Traffic is light. A tourist trolley rumbles past, only half-filled. It’s been two weeks since Shadow’s last attack left five tourists and two police officers dead. Our tourist revenue still hasn’t recovered from the rampage.
Shadow. Even the thought of that unhinged vil makes me shiver. He’s the whole reason I had to turn to this henchman gig in the first place. I push the image of his glowing red eyes out of my mind. I need to focus on the mission and the part I’m supposed to play. Cue about a thousand butterflies in my stomach.
Some lameitude K-pop song hums over the van’s speakers. It’s obvi that The Professor didn’t pay the extra fee to either choose his own music or request silence. It’s also a big ego slap that we’re rolling to our first mission in a rental van owned by the city. Our particular ride includes an image of Shine, the city’s most glam sidekick, splashed across the side hawking toothpaste.
Irony of ironies.
The rental van and the shrill K-pop are more reminders that our show is on the tightest of budgets. PAGS doesn’t mess around anymore. The media conglomerate gives you just enough funds to cobble together a few eps, and if the audience doesn’t heart you, they’ll swipe your show out of existence. This is true even for the big comeback of The Professor, one of the town’s very first and most famous vils. These days, he’s got to prove himself and grab eyes just like every other newbie sponsored vil or cape.
We pass the huge statue of The Hero bathed in soft lights in the center of the Square. The synthetic marble statue of a female hero embracing a small child looks suspiciously like Beacon.
What if our town’s most popular cape shows up tonight and tries to stop us? Even without all the expensive modifications in her suit, her combat skills are legendary. Also, she has a particular bone to pick with us considering we have something that belongs to her.
Why does my fitted lab coat suddenly feel so tight?
The van rolls into a dark alley a block away from the mayor’s mansion. The City Council conveniently overlooks the need to add adequate lighting to alleys throughout Iconic Square and the rest of Biggie LC.
As soon as the van stops, Mermaid heaves open the van’s door and leaps into the night, her body fluid as water. The cam drone latched to the outside of the van rises up in the air, drinking in our gallant exits. I begin to squirm my way over the seat toward the door, but Gold beats me to it from the front row. He flashes me a devious smile as his shoulder bumps me back. He jumps out into a crouch and looks around before quickly scuttling against the wall next to Mermaid.
That lens grabbing bastard! Gold is all charm and betrayal wrapped in a toothy grin. We’re supposed to be a team, but no one wants to end up on the cutting room floor when Leo’s done polishing this latest ep. FIG–Fame Is the Game, at least here in Biggie LC.
Biting my cheek, I finally make my way out of the van. The lasso on my hip snags a seatbelt nub and I have to yank it loose as I stumble into the night.
Great moment, Iron, I think to myself, using my new henchman name.
I’m a little soothed to see that Sequoia also manages to blow his van exit. Course, he has an excuse. It’s not exactly easy to leap from a small van when you’re roughly the size of a moose. The ripped sleeves of his green lab coat and glowing red bowtie make him look particularly menacing. If only he didn’t give me a sheepish smile as he shoves himself through the seats and lands on the sidewalk. That little expression is a dead giveaway that under all those hard muscles he’s a huge softy.
Mind your face, I mouth silently to him. It’s something that Tickles the Elf emphasizes all the time on his blog, The Henchman’s Survival Guide.
Sure, 90% of what we do won’t make it into the ep, but you never know which frame or reaction Leo will use. This gig isn’t a stepping stone toward future greatness for me; it’s a paycheck, but I still need to stay relevant enough so Leo doesn’t get any ideas about killing off my character in some heart-wrenching plot to gush The Professor’s ratings.
Speaking of the boss, it’s his turn to make a grand exit. He wobbles unsteadily, playing heavily on his “bum” leg. And then he’s out of the van, leaning against his cane, looking around. The Professor is a sight to behold. His bowtie swirls in shifting colors and the ragged edges of his burned lab coat flap against his thin frame. Wires along the hem of his coat spit bright sparks.
This is not The Professor of the old days. Sure, his frizzy silver hair is the same and his deep laugh is iconic as ever, but he’s gotten a gritty makeover. Even his voice has taken on gristle as he whispers to us.
“Elements, you know the plan. Wisenberg is an ally of Beacon’s and all the other heroes in this town. I want him in my lab.”
I nod stoically. Gold steps forward. “We won’t let you down, Professor,” he says, his voice about three octaves lower than usual. Typical lens grabber move.
The five of us turn, and Mermaid leads the way as we slink down the alley onto a small backroad that will
take us right to the mayor’s mansion. Her long legs eat up the distance and I keep my eyes on her swinging blonde ponytail. As we walk, I unlatch the lasso from the belt beneath my lab coat. Truth is, even after two weeks of practice with my signature weap, I’m still the definition of sadpocalypse. I’d begged Leo to let me use something different—a stun laz gun like what Gold grips at his side would be hardy—but Leo rebuffed me.
It’s my own fault. I’d sloppily used a lasso in my iconic move to join the Professor’s henchman squad two weeks ago, and now Leo claims that viewers associate me with the weap.
When we reach the mayor’s house, a city cam drone spots us, pulling out of its lazy auto circuit and zooming down for a closer look. I feel like gulping. The low-paid city employee currently humaning the bank of cams operated by the City Council will immediately know what’s going down and will place a call.
If this were a normal town, that call would go straight to the police department. Not in Big Little City. Instead, the watcher will tip off some hero who needs a ratings boost. We’ve probably got 20 mins at the most to get this kidnapping done before some cape crashes our party.
“Nitrogen, do your magic,” Mermaid says.
“It’s not magic, it’s science,” Sequoia hisses back. I can see the tension in his shoulders, but his hands are sure as he pulls a variety of small vials from the intricate belt strapped around his waist. Opening up a collapsible dish, he begins to pour. All of this—the belt and the vials—was Sequoia’s idea, and Leo was canny enough to recognize the genius of it. Sequoia may look like a brute on the outside but he’s the smartest among us. Positioning him as the group brain was the perfect complement to his real-life personality and it goes against the grain of expectations.
“Hurry,” Gold hisses. He makes a show of glancing around nervously, the golden beads in his dreadlocks winking with the movement. Good idea. I’ve been watching Sequoia quickly stir his solution. That’s not going to get me lens time. I look around too and swing my lasso loosely back and forth as if I’m ready for a fight
“K,” Sequoia sighs under his breath. He moves forward to apply the solution to the door, but Mermaid grabs the dish from him and splashes its contents across the scan pad.
“Hey!” Sequoia hisses. His solution quickly burns through the security pad. Sequoia makes to push the door open, but Mermaid slams through with a massive kick that Leo will def put in the ep. I’m half-disgusted, half-jealous with Mermaid’s superior fame instincts. She takes off inside the house and Gold shoves past Sequoia to follow her.
“Lens grabbers,” I whisper to Sequoia and shrug. Gold and Mermaid want to play that game? Then we’re going to have to play too. Sequoia bounds into the house and I follow. Mermaid and Gold have already triggered the motion sensor lights so my goggles automatically switch off from night vision mode.
Sequoia and I run down a plushly carpeted hallway filled with portraits of previous mayors. I glance at the first portrait in the row and recognize Luna Renaldo. She was the original mayor of Biggie LC after PAGS turned this place into the very first semi-reality town. Rumor is she was forced into retirement after a kidnapping-related back injury led to a very strong appetite for Mellows. Being the mayor has its perks, but it also means you live with a bullseye on your chest.
By the time Sequoia and I make it to the mayor’s bedroom door, Gold and Mermaid have already taken out his two robo guards. I have to admit I’m a little relieved. My fighting skills are decent, but I’m about 50/50 on successfully lassoing Sequoia, even when he stands 10 meters away from me and doesn’t move.
Gold shoulders through the mayor’s bedroom door and we spill into the room.
Mayor Grimbal Wisenberg shoots up from his bed, revealing a stylish pair of silken blue pajamas. His jet black hair is perfectly combed and oiled, and I can’t help but notice the sheen of powder on his face.
The mayor’s got cams all over this place, along with motion detectors, and the fighting outside his door couldn’t have been quiet. It’s obvi he knew we were coming, but he turns in a perfect performance of surprise. His mouth drops open in a round O and he sputters, “What… what is the meaning of this?”
“My hypothesis is that your capture is imminent,” The Professor says behind us. We henchmen peel away to let him step forward, though I notice Gold only takes half a step back so that he’s almost shoulder-to-shoulder with our boss. That’s guaranteed to get him in the shot.
“The Professor!” Wisenberg gasps dramatically. “Where are my guards? GUARDS!”
“You will find that they are otherwise occupied,” The Professor says. He nods toward Sequoia who takes a step forward holding a newly concocted vial in his hand. I move in behind swinging my lasso lightly. I hope my expression is menacing. I also dearly hope Sequoia’s formula works to knock out the mayor so I can just tie the rope around him instead of trying to lasso him.
“I would like to formally extend an invitation to tour of my lab,” The Professor says. His voice is deep and liquid, every word perfectly articulated for the cams. He is in his element. Though this caper is clearly beneath him, he’s playing his role with all his gusto.
“No. Never! You won’t get away with this,” Wisenberg cries. He scrambles from the bed and puffs out his chest. “I’m not going anywhere with you!”
“I’m afraid the lab tour is mandatory as is participation in my experiments,” The Professor says. He gives Sequoia another nod. The big henchman takes one step toward the bed and then the bedroom door splinters open.
We all spin around and I have to force my mouth closed. It’s too early for capes to arrive from the City Council tip. But tell that to the three muscled figures standing in the doorway, each wrapped in glinting carbon fiber suits. The twisted, toothy masks on their faces are even scarier in person than on the eps my roommate swoons over.
“Mayor Wisenberg, might we be of a little assistance?” asks Argon, leader of the Dragon Riders.
The Professor is flummoxed for just a sec and then recovers. There’s only ever one play when capes show up. For the first time tonight, I’m in sync with my fellow henchmen as we all turn to face our adversaries. My hands are so sweaty I worry about dropping my pitiful lasso.
“Get em!” The Professor growls.
And then, on my first henchman mission, all hell breaks loose.
Chapter 2
Sure, the suits have some useful features, but what really gives us our power is the heart beneath. ~ Argon, The Dragon Riders, interview with Reena Masterson
~
Four henchmen versus three Dragon Riders. You’d think we’d have a decent chance, especially because Mermaid and Sequoia are both canny fighters. You’d be wrong.
TAW – Tech Always Wins.
The Dragon Riders are the top trending cape team in town which means their sponsors are pouring dollars into costume upgrades and advanced weaps. As Candor leaps toward me, his anti-grav boots propelling him halfway across the mayor’s bedroom, this point really hits home. I scramble out of the way as his feet cut through the space previously occupied by my head. He lands solidly. Holographic fire ripples down his green-and-purple helmet.
“I’ve always preferred brawn over brains,” he says and waits. I realize it’s my turn to throw down a witty retort.
“Well, I’ve always preferred, uh… my lasso!” I manage.
His lips pucker in confusion. Witty rejoinders are not my strong suit. Sadly, neither is my lasso. I swing it and toss it at him. We both watch the loop rise and then slap down on the floor just in front of Candor’s bulky boots.
He snickers. That stings.
His amusement doesn’t last for long. I lunge at him and greet his face with my elbow. Here’s the difficulty, though–TAW.
TAW, TAW, TAW.
My blow was strong enough to loosen teeth and turn his nose into a blood gusher… that is if he weren’t wearing a super-strong, carbon fiber mask. As it is, his head snaps back and he releases an un-gallant profanity as he stumbl
es. I grab onto his helmet, jerk his head low, and slam my knee into his abdomen three times in quick succession. I may have zero skill at lassoing but my three years of mixed martial arts training do come in handy.
Time for my finishing move. I hit Candor with a swift jab to the groin. Well, it would be a finishing move to any male not wearing what accounts to full body armor. As it is, Candor shoves me away with an irritated grunt. He straightens up and thrusts his palm at me. I hear a faint whine and notice his gloved hand glows with energy. Dragon’s Howl, I think and a feel a tiny moment of pride for remembering the name of his concussive weap.
Then it hits me and I’m airborne.
I fly through an artful wicker closet door and slam into something solid. Pain ratchets through my shoulder and I look up, dazed, at a woman who wears a silken black negligee and stockings.
“Have you come to play?” she asks and gives me a saucy wink.
This is right about the time I notice the small whip clutched in her hand as well as her cat ears, striped markings on her face, and large, emerald cat eyes. So the rumors are true. Mayor Wisenberg is a robo rubber. Seems like he’s got a bit of a feline fetish as well.
I sit up and groan.
“You seem to be in physical distress,” the sexbot says and her whiskers tremble. “Would you like me to contact the authorities?”
“Nope, I’m hardy,” I mutter. “Just got hit with a Dragon’s Howl. NBD.”
I push myself to my knees inside the mayor’s closet. Colorful pant legs and embroidered suit jackets dangle around me.
“You’re not doing well in this fight,” Bob informs me. The scruffy face of my Totem shines on a holo-screen emanating from the thin silver Band on my wrist.
“Didn’t I put you in sleep mode?” I grumble. The room outside the shattered closet door has taken on an odd tilting motion.