We’d talked for a long time in her sparse dorm the night before we left, because I needed to make sure this was the best decision for her. I wanted to know she’d thought about all the pros and cons. But that night, as she sat cross-legged on her bed in huge sweats and a tank top with her hot pink bra straps distracting me, I made a move I hadn’t made thus far.
“Calon, I’m really excited about this opportunity, please don’t think I’m making a rash decision.” She cocked her head to the side and smiled.
I walked over and sat across from her, one foot on the floor and one folded in front of me. I took her hands in mine. “Becki, listen. It’s a big deal for you to drop everything and head across the country in a van with a bunch of guys you barely know.” I rubbed her hands with my thumbs.
“Look, Calon,” she tore her hands from mine and shot up off the bed and began to pace and wag her finger at me, “if you aren’t interested in having me as your manager then just say so. Grow a pair. Don’t sit there and make it sound like you’re doing me a favor by second-guessing your public decision to hire me on the spot. That’s a dick move!” She was pissed and something about that made my dick move. God, this girl.
“Becki, listen—”
“No! You listen, rock star! Don’t make this about me when you just don’t want me tagging along. I get it. Having me along for the ride would put a damper on all the groupie-fucking you were looking forward to.”
“Becki, it’s not like that!”
“Shut up. Listen. Let’s just call it a mistake, and you can walk away, no hard feelings. I’m sure I can get an internship locally or something, so I don’t have to go through the mess of undoing all the leave of absence paperwork.”
“I want—”
“I really thought we were moving toward something, Calon. You had me snowed. Completely. And FUCK if that doesn’t piss me off! I don’t let my guard down, but you seemed different. You seemed—”
I grabbed her face and crashed my mouth into hers. She gasped, and I felt her rigid body go slack. I closed my eyes and moved my lips against hers, as if I was trying to memorize them. I kissed each corner of her mouth. She let out a soft whimper and slowly started to kiss me back. I slid my tongue between her teeth, she bit down gently, like she wasn’t going to let me any further. That lasted less than a second. Our tongues softly explored each other’s mouths. What started slow and gentle turned fevered and then back to tender over the next handful of minutes. When the tiny pecks slowed enough that she could speak, she whispered in true Becki form.
“That is the hottest way anyone has ever told me to shut up.” She continued to kiss me softly.
“I don’t want to leave you behind, Becki. I want nothing more than to have you on this journey with us—with me. I mean that with all my heart. You’ve got to believe me.”
“Well, I do, now. Next time, can you just start with that, please? It would save us a whole hell of a lot of trouble.”
IT WAS THE day of the B103 radio interview, and I felt like hell. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I thought back to everything I ate the day before. A soft pretzel from a street vendor while the guys rehearsed, a couple pieces of sushi from FRESH on my way to the post office to mail out more demos, and nothing for dinner. Apparently, the vendor guy at FRESH sold me some nasty ass food.
I lay perfectly still so the nausea would subside. I breathed in through my mouth and out through my nose and tried to think of anything but running to the bathroom. I thought about my sweet Calon’s face and his soft perfect lips. I pictured us walking hand in hand on campus, and I wiggled at the thought of the sexy looks he gave me from the stage. I held it as long as I could, but there were no winners in this situation. I flung the covers off and ran to the bathroom just in time for the hot, sour liquid from my stomach to hit nothing else but the inside of the toilet. Pulling a towel down from the rack on the wall behind me, I had just enough strength left to drape it over my shoulders.
“Becki?” Calon stood at the door to the bathroom with both hands on his head. He looked panicked and unsure of what to do.
“Water. Please.” My voice barely made it out of my throat before another involuntary heave caused me to wretch once again. The muscles in my stomach cramped, and a moan of pain escaped me. My legs were folded under me and the cold tiles made imprints on my shins. I scooted over to the bath mat for some semblance of warmth underneath me. And then the chills came. By the time Calon came back with a bottle of water from the vending machine, I shook uncontrollably. He knelt down behind me and wrapped his warm body around me as best he could. I reached up to flush as I puked again.
“Aww, Becks. What the hell did you eat?” He took the hairband he always kept on his wrist and pulled my hair back into something like a bun to keep it from falling in the toilet.
“I had a pretzel and sushi yesterday, but that’s it. I thought the veggies tasted funky, but I just assumed they’d added something else to what they normally put in my vegetarian ones.” My stomach cramped again, and I dropped my head down onto my arm, which lay across the toilet seat.
“So, we mark FRESH off our list of places to eat. Dammit, I’m so sorry, Becki.” He gently kissed my cheek.
“Ew, Calon, I just puked.” I couldn’t imagine putting my face that close to someone whose stomach contents had spewed from their lips only seconds ago.
“You didn’t puke out your cheek—and I held my breath.” He chuckled a little. “We have that radio gig today, maybe we should cancel it, so I can stay here with you. Or, I could just send the guys without me.”
“Don’t be an idiot, Calon. If you cancel, you will fuel the reputation you got Wednesday night of being unreliable. You need to go. All of you need to be there. I’ll be fine. It’s not like I’ve never thrown up alone before.” I smiled, but it hurt to open my eyes, my head pounded.
“We’ll go but under one condition. You call me if you need me to come back. Promise?”
“Promise. Now, go run upstairs and see if the guys are up. You all need to hash out what your answers will be to the questions that could come up regarding the episode at The Moondance.”
“Hey, sick girl, take a sick day. Relax. We got this.” He stood and then leaned back down and kissed my head. “I’m going to throw on some clothes, I’ll be right back.”
“Just go, Calon. Get dressed and go upstairs. I’ll be fine. I promise.”
“You sure?”
“Go!”
He hustled out of the bathroom, and I could hear him mumbling to himself as he rifled through the drawers he’d filled with a couple changes of clothes, since he slept with me most of the time. He cursed a couple times, I think from stubbing his toe. He peeked in on me one more time. When he saw I had changed from hunched over the toilet to sitting on the side of the tub, he smiled and gave me a thumbs up.
I was scared to take another shower for fear I’d pass out again. I looked up at the rod above my head. I must not have actually broken anything, just pulled it down because Calon had obviously fixed it at some point. That was good, because now that we didn’t have a management company paying for our room, we were trying to make the check from Bones’s brother last as long as possible. I was glad we didn’t have that repair billed to us.
I brushed my teeth and washed my face, threw on some sweats and a t-shirt from my ‘this isn’t dirty’ pile on top of the dresser. I climbed back into bed and looked at the clock. I was sure she’d be up.
“Hello?” I didn’t realize how much I missed Gracie until I heard her voice. And, like a stupid jerk, I started to cry.
“Hi.” The one single word I spoke broke through my lips alongside a sob so forceful it made me snort at the same time, which made me laugh. Idiot.
“Becki? Are you laughing or crying?” She giggled.
“Both. I miss you, Gracie Ann.” I wiped the few tears that had escaped and cleared my throat. I grabbed a piece of gum from my purse on the side table in hopes that the mint flavor would settle my stom
ach some more.
“Aww, I miss you too, Becki. Wow, Calon’s got you all mushy and sensitive. I never thought I’d see the day.” I could feel her smile across the phone.
“No, he doesn’t. It’s been a tough thirty-six hours, and I’m just spent. Some shit went down at the show Wednesday night that made the guys look like assholes. I passed out in the shower and split my forehead open that night. Yesterday was uneventful but I woke up this morning puking my guts out. Ya know, just that.” I rubbed my head and squeezed my eyes closed to attempt to rid my brain of the dull ache that resided there.
“Geez, what the hell did you drink?”
“Nothing at all! Just water. I think I ate some bad sushi.”
“You’re eating sushi now?”
“The veggie kind, nothing with faces.”
“I was gonna say.” We both laughed. Gracie had sat through enough ‘what really happens on a farm’ documentaries with me to know that eating meat was not ever going to be an option. Ever.
“How’s Jake?”
“Perfect.”
“Yuck.”
“Stop rolling your eyes at me! How’s Calon?”
“Perfect-er!” I shook my head at myself when I said it.
“Becki! You fell.”
“I did. Deep, girl. I’m in so deep. My head is definitely over my heels.”
“Oh my word, Becki!” She squealed so loud I had to hold the phone away from my ear. “I couldn’t be happier! For both of you. So…”
“Yeah. We did it.”
“Beck.” Her voice came out deep and raspy as though she imagined that scenario in her head.
“Watch where your mind goes, girl. That’s my rock star penis, not yours.”
“Well, shit, Becki! How can my mind not go there when you call it a rock star penis? Don’t worry, I’m not going to ask for the nitty-gritty. Calon and I are too close for me to know what he’s like in bed. Although—”
“Stop right there!” I threatened, and she howled, which made me laugh out loud, so hard it hurt my sore puke muscles.
We spent a long time just catching up with each other. We talked about the fucked up situation at The Moondance. Then she told me the trial dates for the Sigma Chi brothers wasn’t set yet, but she, Ashley, Chelsea, and a couple other girls had already met with their lawyer to go over the details of each of their attacks. She cried a little as she spoke about the details the lawyer mentioned after he watched the video of her rape. My heart hurt for her that she had to know those details, but I understood the prosecution wanted to be thorough.
“So, playing at Mitchell’s is still going well?” I yawned and realized my queasiness had significantly improved.
“Oh, Becki, I love it. Yesterday Jake and I had lunch there, and we were talking to Buzz. He was telling us all these awesome stories about musicians getting discovered, people proposing, stuff he’s seen over the years. This morning Jake and I were just lying in bed talking about how amazing it would be to stay here in Knoxville after graduation and open a bar. With his business background, he’d be perfect to open and run his own establishment. And I could still play on the weekends and work during the week at The Extension School.”
“Extension School?” I snuggled down under the covers and pretended Gracie and I were just hanging out at her apartment chatting the day away.
“The internship I’m doing right now is at The Knoxville Extension School. It’s a school for students who, for one reason or another, just can’t make it in a public school setting. Most are special needs, but some struggle with anxiety, and some are severely depressed or suicidal. It’s a residence setting for the more severe diagnoses; those kids live there all year round. I’m the life skills coordinator. I do activities with them, work with their therapists, and in some cases, their county case workers.”
“Wow, Gracie, you’re touching lives. I knew social work was the major for you. I’m so happy for you.”
“Yeah, we’re both living our dreams, huh?”
“Except you’ll have a degree next summer, I’ll still be a drop out.” I winced a little when I said that word.
“Beck! You withdrew so you could travel with the band. You’ll finish your degree. Who knows, maybe you could do it online while you guys are on tour.”
“We’ll see. I love what I’m doing, but I miss the writing I was doing in my communications classes. I don’t write anything now. I just make phone calls and set the guys’ schedule for interviews, gigs, and other appearances.”
“So, write.”
“Write what?”
“I don’t know, but find something that keeps that part of you inspired. You’re an amazing writer. I was your editor for all those writing classes, remember?”
“Yep, somehow I should have shared those grades with you!”
“Just come back soon and see me! I really miss you, and I’m doing some really cool stuff at The Extension School. I wish you could come to some of our events.” She sighed.
“Maybe I can schedule in a break in the next couple months, so we could all come home for a little. The guys could play at Mitchell’s. Like a surprise concert. We’ve been looking for a name for the tour. Maybe we will just call it—”
“The Surprise Tour!” We said it at the same time and squealed. Then we laughed our asses off.
“Gracie, could you give Buzz my number and have him call me? I’d like to get a date set for this, so we can plan on seeing each other sometime soon. I really, really miss you.” A wave of nausea came over me unexpectedly, and I bolted to the toilet again.
“Did you just puke again?”
“I did. I’m so sorry. That was really gross.”
“Becki, maybe you should go to the doctor’s.” Gracie was always telling me to go to the doctor’s for something. It’s just the way her mom was. She took her to the doctor’s for everything; hangnails, cramps, cold sores. My mom didn’t take me unless I was half unconscious with a hundred and six degree fever.
“I’ll be fine, G. It’s just whatever Hung Dong put in my veggie sushi roll yesterday.”
“Hung Dong?”
“I don’t know his name. There was an odd flavor, but I was starving and just assumed it was a different kind of sauce than what I was used to. Something was probably spoiled. I just have to get it all out of my system. I’ll be fine. Promise—Oh, God, I gotta go. Round three.”
“Feel better, Becki! Love you.”
I hit end call just before I dry heaved again into the toilet. I texted her that I loved her, too, then set the phone on the vanity while I rested my head on my folded hands, elbows still on the toilet seat.
It had been almost two hours since Calon had gone upstairs to hash out their plans for the B103 interview. I went into manager mode and texted him.
Me: Calon, you guys have to be at the B103 studio by 3
Nothing.
I brushed my teeth and climbed back into bed. I sucked down the last of my water and grabbed the pad of paper from the side table to take my mind off how shitty I felt and to make a list of places I needed to call to set up some more gigs and appearances.
Calon’s handwriting. At first, I thought maybe I shouldn’t read it. But then, I realized he’d been jotting down lyrics. I could tell by the slant of his letters that he’d written them quickly, like his mind was going faster than his hand, which is usually how it all happened. His heart took over, and his hand just had to try and keep up. I loved to watch him write.
My eyes glided over each verse of his newest song. One I knew nothing about. The way he paired the words and phrases infused so much life into the emotion those words held. I could feel the longing in his heart, the uncertainty within his soul and the fire of a love just beginning when I read his words.
I remembered, not too long ago, telling him that maybe one day he’d write a song about me. There was no doubt in my mind that the words I was reading were written for me. With the words scrawled across the paper I held in my hands, Calon had sculpted an e
motion far more intense than I could have described. But it was an emotion I felt. He loved me. He really, really loved me. And I, finally, trusted someone with my heart.
Tears.
I heard the hotel door open, and my beautiful man peeked around the corner, as though he was worried he would wake me. When I looked up at him, tears fell from my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. I saw his eyes go to the tablet in my lap. He smiled and walked over to my bedside. He sat on the edge of the bed, took the tablet from me, and held my hands in my lap.
“Becki Jane—you do that to me. You.”
“Wow.”
I leaned into his shoulder. He kissed the top of my head and rocked me until I fell back to sleep.
THE BUZZ THAT was specific to Calon rang in my head and jolted me from a peaceful dream.
Calon: Becks turn on 103 at 3:45
Me: I love you
Calon: And I love you. Absolute.
Me: Turning it on now
Calon: Gonna be awesome!
I turned on the clock radio next to the bed and turned the dial until B103 came in clear as a bell. I tore off Calon’s “Vice” lyrics and laid them carefully on the side table, as though they were a precious artifact. To me, they were. I then used the tablet to start a list. I jotted down everything that came to mind.
THE SURPRISE TOUR
CALL BUZZ—OCTOBER SHOW DATE?
LOOK FOR CHARITY EVENTS TO PLAY
CONFIRM DATES FOR UPCOMING GIGS
DEPOSIT CASH FROM MOONDANCE
… and the list continued to spill out of my brain.
Above the Noise Page 14