Arrhythmia

  “You look awful.”

  “Thanks. So do you, by the way.”

  It was true. He looked pale and exhausted. Still, he smiled softly.

  “May I come in?”

  I nodded and stepped out of the way. Without paying too much attention to him, I closed the door and returned directly to my couch. Frank sat down at an appropriate distance in an empty armchair. I noticed that he was playing incessantly with a loose thread on the hem of his jacket. He was visibly nervous, and I was getting impatient because I wanted to know what he wanted to say.

  “Sorry, but I don’t quite know where to start,” he finally said helplessly.

  “No problem; I’m no good at these things myself.”

  “Yes, I’ve noticed that.”

  He laughed cautiously and, for the first time in four days, made the corners of my mouth reach toward a smile. It probably looked like a tormented grimace, but it did make me feel better somehow.

  “So here goes,” he began again. “So, I’m here because I—phew—I just wanted to talk to you again. Lena, I got a little carried away. No, let me finish! You know, I think my feelings for you were something like a panic reaction after Birgit left me. I have no other explanation. I mean, we’ve been friends for more than a decade, and then suddenly I get ideas like that? Yeah, well, I dunno. At any rate, I’ve been listening to my inner voice, and I’ve realized that there is nothing I value more than your friendship. You have no romantic feelings for me and that’s fine. Really. If we had become a couple, it might ultimately have ruined our friendship. And I know that’s not worth it. Lena, I’ll tell you honestly, I’m still a little bit in love with you, but I’ll get over that. I know I will.”

  I fidgeted with my blanket and thought.

  Did his words make any sense? Was it possible for someone to feel this way? Or was he lying to me to save our friendship?

  I gave him a skeptical look. He seemed genuine and honest. And yet I could not make out his intentions. I knew I could never dismiss my feelings for Desiderio as a mere phase.

  But that was probably where the difference lay: Frank was in love, and I was obsessed.

  “You do believe me, don’t you?” he asked hesitantly.

  “I don’t know, Frank. It sounds a little too simple. I would very much like to believe you, but it’s hard to imagine that it’s that easy for you.”

  “I didn’t say it was easy,” he said.

  True, he didn’t.

  “I have no idea how to behave toward you,” I admitted.

  He smiled at me lovingly. “Lena, please do me a favor and just be yourself. That’s the only thing that will help me now. Be like you always are, help me redecorate my hallway, and be happy.”

  Be happy . . . Well, it’s a little late for that.

  Frank immediately noticed the change in my expression. He got up and sat next to me and placed his arm around my shoulders a little shyly. I leaned against him and fought back the tears again.

  “Do you promise me you’ll be happy?” he asked.

  I answered with a sniffle.

  “Listen,” Frank said with determination, “Vera told me everything. You have to talk to the doctor, got it? I know I never had nice things to say about him, but he’s actually very likable. And one thing I can say with certainty: the dude feels a lot for you. That’s why I was so jealous.”

  The sniffle grew into a stifled sob.

  What was I doing? I was wrapped in the arms of a guy whose heart I had broken and crying to him about another man? I really was a special kind of selfish!

  And yet I couldn’t help myself. His words had thrown me back into the abyss.

  Desiderio felt a lot for me?

  What did he feel? The triumph of having screwed me at last?

  Frank caressed my forearm as I cried hot, bitter tears into his jacket.

  At some point, my sobbing fit began to die down. There was an occasional hiccup, but my tears had dried long ago.

  Frank gently pushed me away and looked at me seriously. “When was the last time you ate something? Something real, I mean.”

  I shrugged my shoulders. I really didn’t know.

  “All right, then we’ll go to Scarlett now and have a bite to eat.”

  I opened my eyes wide in horror. I was supposed to leave my couch?

  “No buts!” he said. “You’re coming with me if I have to drag you there by your hair! Go on. Get ready. I’ll wait here.” He looked me over briefly. “You should shower.”

  His words were embarrassing. But effective!

  I disappeared into the bathroom like greased lightning.

  A short time later, we were sitting across from each other, each with a giant hamburger in front of us.

  I felt a little strange, as though this was my first outing after a severe illness. Somehow that was true, actually.

  It was easy to fulfill Frank’s request that I act normal around him. Most of the time it was as if nothing had even happened. We had a lively conversation about mostly trivial things, and I was able to laugh a little, even though I would never have thought it possible. Only . . . Every once in a while I thought I could see a painful light in his eyes when he looked at me. But these moments were gone as soon as they had come so that, later on, I wasn’t sure if I’d just imagined them.

  Scarlett was very busy, reminding me that life outside my apartment was merrily going on. It was fall-like outside, with a cold and wet wind and a cloudy sky, and tons of people were crowding into the café to warm themselves after a Sunday walk through town. We had managed to find a small table near the door—not a popular spot because, every time the door opened, a frosty breeze blew past us.

  Still, I enjoyed my little outing with Frank. The constant murmur of the other patrons somehow soothed me, and it felt good to pretend that everything was just fine. Also, I had been close to starving to death without noticing.

  I crossed my hands with satisfaction across my full stomach and listened to Frank’s opinion on a new industrial zone in town.

  “I have it on good authority that two large stores have made inquiries about a construction permit but the wisenheimers in city hall don’t want any retail businesses there. What do they want? Do they think some sort of important manufacturer is going to build here when there isn’t even an autobahn nearby?”

  I liked the fact that Frank could get upset about such things. “You should run for a seat on the city council next year,” I suggested with a chuckle.

  “You know what? That’s exactly what I’m going to do!” He clapped his hands. “Then I’ll kick those old fools’ asses!”

  “Can I run your election campaign?”

  “I’d love that.”

  I giggled wildly. “Oh yes. We’ll make flyers and little buttons with your face on them. And you’ll need a slogan. How about: No power to old farts!”

  He nodded in agreement. “That doesn’t sound half bad.”

  As I was trying to come up with another slogan, Frank was distracted by some movement behind me.

  “Your doc is here,” he said quietly.

  The blood immediately drained from my face. “What?”

  “Stay calm, Lena. He’s on his way out the door, and he hasn’t seen us yet.”

  I held on to the tabletop with all my might to avoid the temptation to turn around.

  “Do you want to talk to him?” asked Frank.

  “I can’t,” I whispered hoarsely.

  The horror on my face seemed to convince him. “OK.”

  He pretended to scratch his head and thus hid his face. I felt the cold when the door opened, followed by the pleasant warmth when it closed again.

  I breathed a sigh of relief and automatically looked out the window.

  There he was.

  Desiderio was walking across the parking lot w
ith two men I didn’t recognize. He was wearing a knee-length coat, which made his silhouette fit the surroundings perfectly. His hands were buried in his pockets, and he’d lowered his head to protect his face from the bitter wind. His pitch-black hair was swirling around and, even at this distance, I could make out his fine features. His appearance shocked me deeply.

  He looked so unhappy.

  I fought the urge just to run to him and take him into my arms.

  By now, the three men had reached their car.

  Desiderio was opening the passenger door to get in. Suddenly, he raised his head and looked directly at me as if he knew that I was sitting there, watching him.

  My heart stopped.

  I was incapable of avoiding his gaze.

  His expression remained flat. I couldn’t say what he was thinking or feeling at that moment, just as I couldn’t say how long we stared at each other. It seemed to me that time stood still. The only sign that this wasn’t merely a sad photograph was his hair blowing in the wind.

  One of his buddies must have complained, because Desiderio suddenly looked away, said something to the men already seated in the car, and got in without looking back.

  The car sped away and I sank feebly against the back of my chair.

  Frank studied me empathetically. “He’s not well,” he commented.

  “No,” I answered weakly and pushed the saltshaker back and forth.

  “And neither are you.”

  I didn’t answer. I simply couldn’t figure out why Desiderio looked so bad. After all, he had cheated on me, not the other way around. So why was he so unhappy? All the pieces didn’t fit together.

  Maybe he really did have genuine feelings for me?

  Or was I trying to convince myself just so I could fall asleep next to him again?

  All these questions weighed heavily on me and confused me. I just didn’t know anymore what was right and what was wrong.

  Chapter 33

  I arrived for the late shift on Monday completely exhausted. I was lucky that I was scheduled to work with Lisa because, looking the way I did, I would not have been able to withstand Sandra’s psychoanalytical looks.

  Lisa was different. She had undoubtedly been informed about the latest events in my life, be it the attack or the fling with Desiderio, but she was of the opinion that if I wanted to talk about my problems, I would bring them up.

  I was also lucky that Desiderio was very busy in the ward, a fact I was able to discern from a conversation between Heimer and Reinmann. So there seemed to be little chance of my running into him in the ER today.

  Although I was really trying my best to do good work, Heimer kept giving me his skeptical frown because I was constantly forgetting some minor detail or staring vacantly out the window. This was unusual for me, so the attending physician spared me any reprimands. He was probably aware that they wouldn’t do any good anyway.

  The clock already showed four fifteen, meaning that I could probably relax. Desiderio had surely gone home, and I no longer had to fret about running into him.

  Yet I was still plagued by an internal disquiet.

  I was preparing a procedure in treatment room one when Lisa shyly tapped me on the shoulder. “Uh, Lena?”

  “Hm?”

  She handed me a white envelope. “Desiderio just left this for you.”

  I stared at the envelope. “Excuse me?”

  “A letter for you. From Desiderio,” she repeated slowly as though I were slow on the uptake.

  I hesitantly extended my hand and accepted the envelope while still staring at it.

  Lisa cleared her throat audibly. “Well, go on. Get out of here. I’ll finish prepping this for you.”

  I gave her a questioning look.

  “I want you to read the letter,” she demanded quite a bit louder than usual.

  I left the room a little startled and locked myself in the restroom.

  The white envelope seemed ominous. I knew that the words it contained would completely throw me off course. I just didn’t know in which direction.

  It would probably be better not to open it in the first place. I should throw it in the shredder unopened. That was precisely what I should do.

  Open the envelope already, you damn coward!

  OK.

  I reluctantly followed my inner voice and tore open the envelope with clammy fingers. Simple, white stationery emerged. I recognized Desiderio’s curved, even handwriting.

  I closed the toilet lid, sat down, and took a deep breath.

  Then I began to read.

  For Lena.

  As you do not wish to speak to me, I am going to try to reach you in this way. Although I still do not know what has happened between us, I am devastated. When you told me that I had lost you, my world came crashing down around me. In the days when we were together, I was the happiest person on earth. You touched me in a way that no other woman has ever been able to. You are the one. The one who makes me complete. I know that for certain.

  Since you left, everything around me is gray. Life is passing by without any regard for me.

  Whatever I have done or said, I am sorry. I never wanted to hurt you, and I especially never wanted to abuse your trust.

  My little warrioress, I cannot live without you. I can no longer sleep or eat or even breathe properly. I miss you.

  When I saw you with Frank yesterday, it broke my heart in two. Will you give up what was between us so readily? Because it was something real—a real connection, and I am sure that you sensed it as well.

  I have known it since the first moment I saw you. That time in front of the ticket shop. Unfortunately, I was much too flustered at the time to ask what your name was.

  Then our encounter at Go. When you fell against me, I never wanted to let you go again. Your rejection hurt me deeply then. Do you even know that?

  And finally, my first day at work. I am convinced that it was fate that brought us together. I will never forget how you looked at me with a chocolate smudge on your lips. It was clear to me at that moment that I would fight for you.

  Yes, during our brief time together, I was the happiest person on earth.

  Well, I want you to know this: no matter what you decide, whether you want to be with Frank or with someone totally different—I will accept it. Nothing could be further from my mind than standing in the way of your future.

  I love you, Lena. I have always loved you and will always love you.

  No matter what direction our lives take in the future.

  Desiderio

  A single tear dropped heavily onto the sheet of paper. My hands were shaking. My heart was fluttering.

  His words had spoken directly to my soul. Desiderio felt the same way I did. He, too, had felt complete only when he was with me.

  He loved me.

  Could that be?

  Did soul mates really exist?

  I was finished.

  The words seemed so honest, so desperate that I could not help but believe them.

  He was worried that I was getting involved with Frank? Is that how it had looked in the café?

  I love you, Lena.

  But what about the blonde at his house? How did she fit in here?

  I sat on the toilet, utterly dumbfounded, and tried to sort out my thoughts and feelings.

  He didn’t want to abuse my trust and yet he had, by inviting another woman to his house.

  How did all this make sense?

  And what was I supposed to do?

  I had to speak with him. I needed to clarify things.

  Immediately.

  I put the letter in my pocket and hurried over to my locker to get my cell phone. I turned it on for the first time in five days. Once the network had reconnected, my phone was overwhelmed with messages and missed calls. Most of them wer
e from Desiderio. I ignored the messages because, at that moment, they were of no importance.

  I was determined to confront him immediately.

  I feverishly dialed his number. An automated female voice announced, “The person you are trying to reach is currently unavailable.”

  Blah, blah, blah.

  I hung up. Desiderio didn’t have network access. Or his cell phone was turned off.

  Shit.

  What now?

  Damn it, I didn’t want to wait any longer. I needed to know what he had to say about my accusations. Only then would the words in his letter mean anything.

  I dialed his number three more times before giving up in frustration and going to have Hans make more coffee while I strategized.

  I didn’t have much of a choice except to wait for my shift to end and drive straight over to Desiderio’s.

  That was exactly what I was going to do. I would drive over to him, ring his doorbell, and confront him face-to-face.

  It felt really good to have a plan. It offered a look into the future—an uncertain one, to be sure, but all of a sudden, the present didn’t look so bleak anymore.

  I eagerly got down to work in order to use the remainder of my shift in a useful way. And also, of course, to earn the salary I was being paid.

  The later it got, the more unsettled I became. For the life of me, I couldn’t say why. Somehow, I didn’t get the feeling that it was only related to my plans to drive over to Desiderio’s later that evening.

  It was muggy like a summer day just before a violent thunderstorm. The air seemed to flicker around me.

  I had a creeping feeling of queasiness.

  “Nurse Lena, get the trauma room ready. We have a traffic accident coming in ten minutes,” ordered Heimer as he walked by.

  I started the task without further question. I called over to request the anesthesiologist and his nurse assistant, had the CT scanner readied, and informed the lab.

  No sooner had I finished my phone calls than the anesthesiologist hurried in. At the same time, the ambulance pulled up. Lisa and Dr. Heimer were standing next to the gurney in focused anticipation. I trotted down the hallway next to the resident physician to meet the EMTs.