by Shaw, Leia
I’ve been thinking.
And?
I don’t know.
Can you tell me what’s stopping you? I mean...is there someone else? I heard there was. Like two girls. Please. I need the truth.
“Shit.”
Jake shot him an odd look.
There is and there isn’t.
Malachi. WTH?
It’s complicated. They’re a couple.
That’s what I heard. Lesbians. Right? You have zero chance there. And if you did, you really think that’s a nice thing to do? You’ll wreck what they have going. I heard they’re in love.
He heaved in a breath, and rubbed his forehead. This town was too fucking small sometimes. It wasn’t worth explaining to Ivy that they were bi, not lesbian. And she should know that. As if he could convert lesbians to cock. Was she trying to make it sound worse?
Yes. They are in love.
And that made him think. Even though he’d broken off with them, it seemed like his heart hadn’t quite figured that out. Stupid though. They’d never asked him to butt in like he had. Just because his friends had polyamory figured out didn’t mean he could just wave a magic wand and do the same. He sat back in his chair. The alert beeped again.
You said that you loved me.
God. The room seemed to throb in time with his heart.
Yes. I did.
Do you still? Before he could answer, a new text came through then several all at once. No wait. I shouldn’t have asked that. I’m sorry. So sorry. I’ll wait Malachi.
Fuck. Sorry again. Gotta go. Ttyl.
If you want me, you know how to get me.
I’m yours though Malachi. I figured out that much. Bye.
He held the phone awhile, thinking.
No. All he got was blankness. This was too complicated. Maybe he should get some advice.
He stood. “I’m going next door to Cross. If you need me...”
“Sure. I’m fine. Another ten minutes and we’re done here.” Jake rubbed a paper towel over the woman’s back.
She turned her head and smiled. “Good to know.”
Late afternoon and the front of the shops were in shadow. Hot day, so it was a relief really. He pushed open the door and was surprised not to see Winter at the counter. A very normal-looking, middle-aged couple walked past him and he held open the door.
Smartly dressed, no tattoos. Hmm.
“Thank you,” said the lady in the dark skirt and blouse. Her smile was timid. Her husband nodded.
Once the door had swung shut he strolled to the counter where Cross was totaling cash.
“Did you get customers off that bus too?”
“Yes.” He shut the cash register drawer, narrowed his eyes. “I think we’re part of some tour of the dark side. You?”
“The one in my shop is a romance reader. From what she said, they’ve come from a book convention in Felix. I had three customers get small tattoos. Plus her with her wings.”
Godfrey chuckled. “Now I get it. Izzy did another article on Gemma and tattoos, remember? She’s got followers to her writing blog.”
“So you’re the big guy with the tats she asked about then? Next time I’ll have to get you to stand out front, flex your big huge muscles, and hawk my wares.” He pulled up one of the two chairs Cross kept at the wall near the counter. “Do you have time to dispense more of your wisdom?”
He grunted then picked up the other chair and sat. “Sure. Should I sit and hold your hand?”
Malachi regarded him for a moment. He clasped his hands between his legs and hung his head, sighing. “Maybe.”
“Fuck. That bad? When you get all dramatic like that I feel like calling an ambulance.”
“Make sure they bring a fancy white jacket with sleeves that tie in the back.”
“Let me guess. Reece and Scarlet?”
“And Ivy.”
Cross settled back into the chair. “Ahh. Bad news, then. The three of them together might cause a black hole.” He shook his head, slowly, rumbling out a measured reply. “Spit it out. I will seriously try to help.”
Where to begin?
“You know Sabrina sent me to help them figure out their kinks. A sort of Domme trainer thing?”
“Yeah. And?”
“Well, they’re very much in love with each other.” He felt his eyes aching at the memory of the two of them kissing. It got him every time in the heart department. He cleared his throat. “Yeah, anyway. Don’t laugh at this. I think maybe I accidentally fell in love with them. Both of them.” He frowned. He’d never admitted it to himself, but with Cross listening it had come spilling out.
“Okay.” Cross nodded. “Nothing wrong with that, Mal. Sometimes it happens. My question would be, do they love you back?”
“That would be the problem. They’re bi. Both of them. And there I was thinking for ages that Scarlet was lesbian and I had no chance, but I found out she’s bi, and for a while there I thought maybe she was attracted to me.”
“So you don’t know if they love you back? You got to ask, man. No point in beating around the bush.” He snorted and added, “Or bushes.”
“Crude.”
Cross just grunted and waited him out.
“You want me to ask? It’s a little late for that. I’ve pretty much stopped seeing them. Said I was going back to Ivy. And Ivy does want me back. I can’t ignore her.” He spread his hands. “She wants me for sure. Reece and Scarlet, I think I’m fucking up their relationship. I’m the first man Scarlet has even kissed...” Let alone given a BJ to. “And things have gotten weird with Reece and I think she hates me.”
The man simply studied him for a while. He crossed his legs at the ankle. He scratched at something on the leather of his boots then he finally looked up. “Okay. Ivy is bad for you. You should have had that tattooed somewhere. Ivy equals B-A-D. I don’t have a clue how you can have forgotten that. Maybe it’s like the way women forget the pain of childbirth. I watched you shut down for months. Do not go back to her.”
Malachi raised his eyebrows.
“Two. Go talk to these girls. You’re a fucking Dom. Communicate.” He uncrossed his legs. “Got that?”
“Could you be a little more clear? Perhaps interpretive dance would help.” He smiled, but it was pained. “I appreciate your bluntness, as always. Thanks.”
Though Cross didn’t push, it was obvious he saw through his façade. For once his friend hadn’t convinced him. He’d forgotten Cross had disliked Ivy ever since she walked away from him. The prejudice was warping his advice.
Seemed like he’d achieved zero talking to Cross. For once. Shit.
He sat for an hour thinking things over, with Jake and Gemma running things and letting him think. They were wonderful people and obviously saw he needed some time to sort something out.
He’d gone to Cross knowing his friend would recommend trying to fix things with the girls. It was the answer he wanted, but he’d already seen the signs, and knew the facts. The girls didn’t need him.
Scarlet would be getting married soon. Not only would him waltzing back in upset that part of their future, it stood a good chance of tipping their relationship balance off course. He didn’t want to be the bastard that made their perfect little world crumble.
He’d told Scarlet at the very beginning that he wasn’t going to interfere. He should deal with his own issues anyway. He took out the phone and texted Ivy. If he was busy maybe he could stick to fucking up his own life.
Like to move in and try again?
Her reply came within a few minutes: Yes!
Friday afternoon good for you?
He told her where to find the key, and said goodbye.
Friday was tomorrow.
This was supposed to be a good, positive thing to do. Moving onward and upward.
This was the woman he’d wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Then why was he now dreading her moving in with him? If she wasn’t what he wanted anymore, jumping in with both feet had proba
bly been a mistake.
When he got home the next afternoon, to his surprise, there was Ivy, sitting on his doorstep with her suitcases next to the steps. He slammed the car door, strode over to her and stopped.
“Why are you still outside, Ivy?”
Her forlorn look made him relax his puzzled interrogator mode. He slid onto the step beside her, and clasped his hands between his knees. The redness around her eyes warned of oncoming tears.
“Hey.” Gently, he raised her chin. “What’s up?”
She shook loose, and grimaced. “It’s my fault, Malachi. I can’t go in your house without saying this. You’re going to hate me.”
“I am? You’d be surprised. I don’t even hate the Sex Zombies and they go all out drumming at midnight some weekends. Try me.”
Her lip quivered. She ducked her head, sniffling. “Fuck. I meant this to be so good, but I can’t stand myself. I lied to you. I wrote that letter.” She glanced up at him for a second. “You know which one I mean?”
“The letter.” He tapped his fingertips together. “Yeah, I know.”
“I wanted to make you want me again.” She flipped her hand aimlessly. “Instead of them. Reece and Scarlet.”
“You know their names?” He leaned down to look at her face. “Look at me, Ivy.”
“I’m sorry, Sir.” She straightened and went on shakily. “I found out all about them from some friends.” She sniffed and wiped her eyes. “They have each other, and I had no one. I know it was stupid and selfish, but I did it on a whim, and then it was too late to take it back. I put the letter under your door. And I’m sorry. I couldn’t go inside here. Not like this. Not with a lie between us.” She paused a moment.
When he didn’t reply immediately, she ran on. “It was none of my business. I shouldn’t have meddled. I’ll understand if you can’t forgive me. I’ll go.” She went to stand and put a hand to a suitcase, but he pulled her back down.
“Stay. Let me at least sort this out in my head.” They sat a while, watching stray chickens peck at the ground by their feet. Did any other farmers have Houdini chickens? He thought of the girls and the letter that Ivy had written – not Scarlet’s mother after all. But did Ivy writing it really make a difference? Probably not. It was all still true.
“I don’t hate you.”
“You don’t?” She smiled weakly. “Thank you.”
Sitting here with her like this had clarified things. Here she was poised at the front door of his life, ready to move back in like nothing had happened between them. Really, since they’d split, nothing had happened between them. They were still where they’d been at when they’d split up, except they possibly had even less in common. Was she even the same person? Was he?
He had to admit it. He didn’t really love her. Not anymore. He felt empty when he thought of her – he’d cherished memories of her for so long, it was hard to identify where his real memories of their relationship had gotten mixed in with nostalgia. Now, when she was in front of him, he knew that he’d been lying to himself about how good things had been between them. But how was he going to tell her that?
He frowned, looking out across his acreage, feeling that expansive pride a man does at owning something so big you had to walk for ages to get around it. The wind in the nearby trees and the comparative quiet of the countryside filled him with a peace he’d never realized he’d been missing in the old days. Ivy had never filled him with peace – only with a desperate need to own her, keep her. She was a high-maintenance woman. In contrast, Reece and Scarlet made him feel quiet inside – alert and wholly alive, but content in the knowledge that he was good enough just being himself.
He and Ivy were in the same boat. In love with the idea of each other, rather than with the reality.
“Ivy, this has very little to do with this letter. If anything, what you said in it was truthful and it helped me see that what I was doing was wrong and selfish.”
“Mm-hm.” She frowned a little. “But what I did was wrong, too.”
“Yes, it was wrong. But –” He patted her arm. “You confessed and told me. I’m willing to let it go. But also I have to tell you something else you might like less.”
Ivy blinked at him. “I think I know. You don’t really want me back, do you?” She wiped her eyes with her hand. “You don’t love me anymore.” This time she had the courage to look in his eyes.
“No. I don’t. I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine. Really it is.” She looked out over his land then too. “I think I had delusions that we’d just fall back into our old ways. But I didn’t love you back then and it was so stupid of me to think I would suddenly love you this time. Or that you would still love me a year later. Sitting here, waiting with my suitcase, like some sort of charity case... It gave me time to understand myself. I realized I piled all my hopes on you and on us because I’m tired of being domless.” She shook her head and sent him a sad sideways look. “It was stupid. You’re like my backup Dom.”
He snorted.
“This was pathetic of me. I can’t believe I wrote that letter. I’m not the kind of girl that does stuff like that.” She leaned in and kissed his cheek. “Thank you for being so understanding.”
“I hope you find the right man, Ivy. I’m sure you will. Keep looking.” He shrugged, struck by a mess of chaotic feelings. “It’s almost a relief having things resolved with you.”
“Yeah. Me too. You’re a sweet guy. I hope you find happiness somewhere.”
They simply shared the step for a while longer and quiet settled over them. The late afternoon sun lost its glare and sank toward the horizon, tinting the sky with vivid orange. The air cooled, and the long grass swayed in the breeze. A few mosquitoes buzzed around them.
“It’s beautiful, isn’t it? Wish I had someone to show this to every day. Maybe I’ll have a whole truckload of kids running around here...one day.”
Ivy sighed. “You know what? I take back everything I said in that letter. You go talk to those girls. They’d be dumb not to grab you, Malachi Johansson.”
She stood, picked up a suitcase and headed for her car.
Mouth open, he watched her walk away for a few moments before he grabbed the second suitcase and followed.
As she drove off down the dirt road, dust pluming behind her tires, he muttered, scowling. Fuck. He’d had it all worked out – he was trying to be a good guy and leave them alone to have a happy life – and now she’d pried the nail out of the coffin again.
He sat there and thought until long after dark, trying to figure himself out.
There was a bit of guilt about how he wasn’t at all upset about breaking things off permanently with Ivy. He’d never thought of himself as the type of guy that could walk away from a girl without regrets, but things with Ivy were definitely over now. She’d said, she’d never even loved him when they were together. That should have hurt, but it just made it easier to walk away.
Things were different with Reece and Scarlet. He should have cut and run as soon as he’d started to have feelings for them, but he’d stayed and stayed, hoping beyond hope that they felt the same way. Some nights he lay awake, staring at the ceiling, and remembering silly day-to-day things they’d done together. Sure the sex was hot – mind-blowing. But he never thought he’d meet a woman – let alone two women – he clicked with like he did with them.
He missed holding them, kissing them, but he missed talking to them more than anything.
His stomach growled. He stood and shook the pins and needles from his legs. Plus his ass was numb, his fingers cold, and the mosquitoes were cruising around.
Maybe he should just give up and be a hermit, like Grandpa after Grandma had died. Maybe it was a little melodramatic, but the women who believed they wanted him thought of him as a fun guy. Only a few people understood it was a smokescreen. Hiding in humor like he did, it was hard for him to feel connected – as though people really got him. When things got intense he usually made light of it and acted like h
e didn’t feel anything. The exact opposite was true. Things being over with Scarlet and Reece – that fucking hurt. Time apart was making it worse, not better. Jumping back into a bad relationship with Ivy wasn’t the answer.
Maybe his parents were right and he was never going to be happy because he was wicked and sinful. They didn’t understand that he’s chosen to leave the church before it turned him out. He wasn’t pure enough for the people there, and he refused to work to be something he wasn’t. Wicked, worldly, and selfish were flaws he’d chosen to accept in himself, when they didn’t hurt other people. But this was different.
Lord knew that all he wanted to do was jump in his truck and show up on their doorstep, acting like a selfish idiot and professing his love. As though Reece and Scarlet’s relationship needed to take a backseat to how he felt. It wasn’t fair to them, and he wasn’t going to drag them into his empty mess of a life. Maybe he just wasn’t meant to find love in this lifetime.
“Enough,” he muttered, using the step to scrape some dirt from his boot. No more pity parties.
He trudged up to the door, unlocked it and walked in. The muffled echoes of the slam of the door and his footsteps could only come from a house full of nothing.
Chapter 17
“Just be yourself,” she told Scarlet for the millionth time that day.
“Are you sure this is okay to wear?” Scarlet looked down at herself and grimaced. “You look so fancy and I look...”
“Perfect.” Reece finished putting in her earrings then walked to her girlfriend. “Seriously. They’re going to like you better than they like me. They don’t know what to do with my fanciness.” She chuckled and held out a necklace.
Scarlet scrunched her nose.
“Stop it,” she scolded. “You look hot in this shirt and dark jeans but the necklace will dress it up a little. It’s better than wearing a skirt, isn’t it?”
Scarlet rolled her eyes but turned so Reece could fasten the silver drop necklace. It was at Scarlet’s insistence they were doing this, she really shouldn’t be complaining, though Reece knew it was just nerves. She couldn’t blame her. Meeting your significant other’s family for the first time was a nerve-wracking event in any circumstance, but for bisexuals dating someone of the same gender...it was even worse.