by Molly Ryan
“Turner, I just can’t, okay?” I said. “I can’t.”
“You can’t?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because I don’t want to!”
I don’t know why the words came out of my mouth and the moment that they were out I wanted to pull them back in. Turner was cute and funny. He had a great personality. So why wasn’t I jumping at the chance to go out with him?
“I’m sorry,” I mumbled. “I’m sorry Turner.”
Putting my head down, I blindly walked away from him, only slightly aware that he was calling for me to come back. So much for the new me.
* * *
“You actually said that you didn’t want to go out on a date with him?!” Sabrina screeched as we sat at the café across the street from the college.
I winced and covered my ears with my hands. Passerby’s looked at us, frowning, and continued down the street.
“I actually said it,” I told her. “The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them really.”
“But why would you say no?” she asked. “I don’t understand. Turner is hot… Really hot! Plus, he’s a great kisser. You could definitely pick someone worse to be your first boyfriend.”
“You kissed him? And he should be my boyfriend?” I questioned. “Who said anything about a boyfriend? I don’t have time to worry about a boyfriend.”
“We kissed at a party, so what? And you’re pathetic. You’re not in high school anymore, Lily. You can’t hide behind your denim jumpers and converse high tops. If you want things to happen in your life you have to make them happen. There’s no more sitting on the sidelines. It doesn’t work like that.”
I wasn’t sitting on the sidelines…or at least I didn’t think I was. I was shy, what was so wrong with that?
“I can say the same to you. What are you doing except drinking and partying late at night. What do you want to happen in your life as a college student?”
Sabrina shrugged.
“I’m a freshman, I don’t have to figure that stuff out right now. And let’s face it, it doesn’t matter what I do. I’m a trust fund baby and my parents will always be there to pick me up if I screw up.”
“If only the rest of us could be so lucky,” I murmured as I drank my tea.
My mind kept flashing to Turner staring at me, asking me out.
Was I an idiot to say no? What if he really is as great as Sabrina says? Did I screw up my chance? I didn’t want to think like that. Was I supposed to just say yes? I barely knew him. But I could have given him a chance. I could have gone out on one date with him and it wouldn’t have been a big deal.
“Turner works at the bakery two doors down,” Sabrina said with a smirk.
“Yeah, and?”
“Don’t try to tell me that you’re not thinking about him. You think you made a mistake, don’t you?”
“Well…Yeah,” I admitted.
“So go make it better,” she suggested. “Go into the bakery and tell him that you were just shocked at his question. Tell him that you actually do want to go out with him. It’s not that hard.”
Yeah, for her maybe.
“Just walk up to him, all willy nilly?” I asked. “Isn’t that a little… Bold?”
“We’re not in the 1950’s anymore. We don’t have to sit in skirts, clean the kitchen, and then wait for a boy to call us.”
“Are you going to stand up and start charging now or is this the end of your speech?”
“Shut up,” Sabrina hissed. “If you don’t want to ask the boy out then don’t ask him out. But if you don’t, then I don’t want to hear you complain about any of that. Nut up or shut up.”
“Classy, Sabrina.” I stood up anyway and brushed the crumbs off my lap. “I’ll be right back.”
Clenching my hands into fists, I left the table and walked down the block to the bakery that Sabrina pointed out. My heart was racing and I felt like I was going to faint. I was never asked out by a boy, let alone asked one out. I had no idea what the protocol was for this type of thing. I was flying in there, blind.
Bells jingled as I pushed the door open and stepped inside. The air conditioner cooled off the shop and I found myself wrapping my arms around my body to keep warm. Turner was behind the counter, talking animatedly to an older woman. As he talked, she smiled and patted his arm. The hat she wore flopped over one eye and every few minutes he would push it back with his free hand. Finally Turner rang the woman up for her order and waved goodbye. I stepped to the side, letting her walk out of the bakery.
“Hey,” Turner said.
“Hey yourself,” I said, trying to sound casual.
“How did you find out that I worked here?”
“I have my ways…” I said, smiling.
“So Sabrina told you?” Turner asked with a knowing grin.
“Yeah,” I admitted. “We’re having some coffee down the block and I thought that I would come and say hey.”
“Oh?” Turner said. “That’s the only reason why you’re here?”
My heart stopped. He was trying to flirt with me again and, again, I was struck dumb.
“Well maybe not the only reason,” I said when I finally found my voice again.
“So why are you here?” Turner asked one more time.
I stared at him, losing myself in his dream like eyes, as I desperately hoped that a customer would walk in. No such luck. It was just Turner and me, alone. My knees tremored and I sat down in the nearest chair.
“Look I don’t do this type of thing,” I admitted, looking at the ground. “I have no idea what I’m doing or what I’m supposed to be doing.”
“Uh, okay.”
Turner was obviously confused and I couldn’t blame him.
Here I was, visiting him at work, acting like a complete freak. I could only imagine what he thought of me.
“What type of thing are you talking about?”
“Dating, you asked me out earlier-”
“I am aware.”
“And I said no.”
“Again, I’m aware.”
As I looked at Turner I could see his brow furrowing and his lips pointing down into a frown. Great, I had made angry. That was a brilliant idea.
“I didn’t mean to say no,” I said, finally able to spit the words out. “I got nervous and flustered. No came out of my mouth faster than yes did.”
“So…”
“So I came here to see if the offer was still open. I want to know if you want to go to the concert with me?”
“Sure,” he said and started to wipe down tables.
Sure. It was so simple and yet it changed everything.
“I’ll pick you up at seven.”
“Sounds good.”
I stood up and turned to the door.
“I’ll see you later okay?”
“I’ll be here.”
Then I left the bakery.
I have have a date.
Suddenly the words sank in.
Oh. My. God.
I have a date this weekend.
Chapter Four
“This is why I never go out on dates,” I told Sabrina.
My side of our dorm room, which was usually pristine and perfect, looked like a bomb exploded. Clothes were everywhere; on the chair, on the bed, and strewn all over the floor. I couldn’t move without a threat of tripping and breaking an ankle. But, if I was honest with myself, breaking an ankle would be welcomed if that meant that I didn’t have to go out on the date. I was overly anxious and stressed.
“It’s too much work, too much stress. Who the hell wants to be this stressed out?”
“You’re only stressed out because you’re letting yourself get stressed out,” Sabrina told me. “You need to take a few deep breaths and relax. Dating is not really that hard.”
“And you know this because of all the dates you went out on?”
Sabrina was constantly telling me how easy everything was and how I was such a worry wart. But sh
e had only been on only a few dates herself.
“Harsh,” Sabrina huffed. “Why are you being such a bitch?”
“I’m the bitch? I’m not being a bitch. I’m nervous and worried and you keep being so flippant about it all. Maybe it’s not so easy for me and such a happy experience. I know lots of girls that get this way.”
“Why? You are top notch meat. Any guy would be happy to sleep with you.”
“Sleep with me? Am I supposed to be having sex with Turner tonight?!”
“You’re not supposed to, but that’s usually how dates end, Lily.”
That wasn’t going to happen. I knew nothing about sex or having sex. Sabrina knew Turner… And that he would expect sex…
“I can’t go on this date. I’m going to call him and cancel.”
I went to go pick up my phone but Sabrina batted it out of my reach.
“What the hell are you doing?”
“Stop being such a prude, go on the Goddamn date. If you do it, you do it. Don’t over think things, it’s not helping the situation. Go with the flow…Don’t you know how to do that?”
She didn’t know my past so there wasn’t any way she would understand.
“Do I look like the type of person who can go with the flow?” I hissed. “I can’t have sex with Turner. I’m not going to have sex with somebody I hardly know because that’s what usually happens. If he thinks he’s going to get in my pants then he’s going to be disappointed.”
“Then tell him no!” Sabrina exploded. “If you don’t want to, then say no. It’s as easy as that! God!”
Sabrina jumped off her bed and stomped to the door.
“I can’t deal with you right now. There’s too much crazy here for me.”
With a growl, Sabrina left the room and slammed the door behind. I was left alone, in the middle of the room, with no idea as to what to wear.
What a great way to start the night.
The date seemed so daunting.
I slipped on a fire engine red skirt. I matched it with a block halter top with a deep V that left little to the imagination. Slipping on the pair of knee high boots that Sabrina insisted I should wear, I gave myself a look over in the mirror. My hair was mussed in waves around my face. Even without make-up I still didn’t recognize myself. Here goes nothing.
Eight o’clock on the dot there was a knock at the door. I opened it to see Turner standing on the other side, flowers in his hand, and a grin on his face.
“Am I late?” he asked as I ushered him into the room.
There was still no sign of Sabrina but I was okay with that. For once I embraced my solitude.
“No, right on time,” I told him.
Turner handed me the flowers.
“Those are for you,” he said.
“They’re gorgeous. Thank you.”
Filling up a pitcher with water, I placed the flowers in them, pulling the stems apart to separate the bunch. It was the first time I ever got flowers before.
“Are you hungry or anything? Do you want something to drink?”
“To be honest I’m too nervous to be hungry or thirsty.”
My heart melted at his comment. He was nervous? To go out on a date with me? It was adorable and relaxed my nerves too since I felt the same way.
“Don’t be nervous…” I said to him. “I’ve been telling myself the same thing so we’re both in the same situation. I don’t want our nerves to get in the way of the two of us having some actual fun, you know?”
Turner gave me a grateful smile.
“I hear that this is supposed to be the biggest concert of the year. A great kick off… Is that true?” I asked, trying to change the subject.
“Yeah,” Turner said. “Last year there was a bond fire and carnival rides. It’s not just a concert, it’s a whole big to do… Just so we have a bit of fun before the hell begins.”
“Sounds like everyone is going to be there…”
“They are. Everyone wants to say that they were there at the big kick off. If you aren’t there, you’re kind of lost the rest of the year. People talk about the kick off for at least the fall semester.”
“So be honest with me… Is there a lot of drinking at this thing?”
Turner cocked and eyebrow and his smile faltered.
“A lot… No,” Turner said slowly. “But there is drinking. Is that a problem?”
“No… Of course not,” I said with a laugh.
I wasn’t about to tell Turner that I didn’t drink; that I only had a couple drinks in my whole life. Nothing could turn him off more than that, I figured. I didn’t want to sound like a complete loser right away.
“What’s your favorite drink?”
“A jack and coke,” Turner said.
“Well then you’ll have to get me one tonight,” I responded with a wink. “I want to see what it’s all about.”
If Turner could see through my façade he didn’t say anything. I looked at my watch and my eyes bulged.
“We better get going if we want to make it to the concert,” I said to him.
I grabbed a jacket and my bag. Turner held the door open for me and I slipped through, locking it behind us.
“Don’t worry about being too late,” Turner assured me. “We won’t miss anything. The concert doesn’t start until at least an hour later than they say.
“So why not tell people the real time?”
It was a good question. Too many events were like this anymore and it was kind of annoying..
“Because the best part about this type of concert is waiting and anticipating the music. It also gives people enough time to get nice and drunk.”
“Why drunk?”
“Because the music is so much better when you’re drunk.”
I stared at Turner, wondering if he was joking or being serious. Oh geez, he’s serious. I realized it when he didn’t start laughing.
“Why?”
This time Turner did laugh.
“You want the truth?”
“Obviously.”
“The music sucks. Every year the music sucks. Drinking is the only way to get through it without wanting to rip the hair out of your head.”
“But then why continue it every year?”
Turner shrugged.
“It’s tradition. You don’t mess with tradition here. If you do, or even if you try to, you’ll be tarred and feathered before you know it.”
“Are you serious?”
“Deadly. This is serious stuff that happens here. You don’t try to change it.”
He began laughing.
“You’re joking aren’t you?”
“Sort of…”
The two of us stepped into the elevator and pressed the first floor button. Standing next to each other, Turner and I each looked different ways, lost in our own thoughts.
“If I haven’t said it already, you look really pretty tonight.”
“Thanks,” I said and felt myself warming. “I wasn’t so sure about the outfit. I thought maybe it was too….” Revealing? Slutty? “Not me,” I decided to explain. “I’m not used to showing so much of my body.”
Was I really trying to explain my outfit choice?
“Why not? You have a body that was made to be shown off.”
Almost immediately Turner put his hand over his mouth and closed his eyes. “I’m sorry, that sounded wrong, totally wrong. I didn’t mean to say that… Or at least to make it sound so pervy.”
“It’s fine.”
He had about the same amount of confidence that I had.
“I’m not that type of guy,” he continued to explain. “My mother taught me to be a gentleman and she would have my ass if she knew what I said.”
“Well, then maybe I should give her a call,” I teased. “I’m kidding. Turner, you worry too much, did anyone ever tell you that?”
I was the same way though.
“More than once. I’m what they call a ‘worrywart’.”
“That makes two if us.” I smi
led. “I’m a bit neurotic myself.”
The elevator opened and we stepped out into the first floor. Turner rushed forward to open the door. We stepped into the night, the warmth and humidity encompassing us like a blanket.
“Thank you.”
“My pleasure.”
Turner held out his arm and I linked mine through, letting him guide me towards the Great Lawn. Turner was a… Gentleman. It came off as a little cheesy but at least he was nice. Others were milling about, all slowly making their way to the grass. I could smell the booze from where we were and the hum of voices greeted us as we sifted into the crowd.
Sabrina was sitting on a rock, a cigarette in one hand and a drink in the other. Sabrina smokes? I couldn’t help but wonder if the cigarette was to look cooler and fit in better. Elizabeth stood next to her, nursing a red solo cup.
“Hey guys,” I said and waved at my roommate.
Sabrina waved back and the two of them blatantly stared at Turner and me as we passed. Turner nodded at them but didn’t remove his arm from mine.
“Have fun!” Sabrina cried out. “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!”
I ignored Sabrina’s comment and held Turner’s arm tighter. I didn’t want him to think that I spent my time gossiping about him.
“Can I get you a drink?” Turner asked when we finally stopped a bit of a ways from the crowd.
I shimmed up on a rock, keeping my legs crossed and putting my jacket over my lap to stop myself from flashing anyone.
“Sure. Whatever you’re having.”
Turner squeezed my arm.
“I’ll be right back,” he said and disappeared into the crowd.
I shifted on the rock, trying to relax, as I looked at the scene in front of me. People were already drinking and dancing even though no music was playing. I averted my eyes from a couple of people grinding up against each other, the girl’s skirt riding up on her tanned thighs. Any higher and she would be showing off everything. That was probably her plan. She wanted to be noticed, no matter what it meant. She didn’t care about what people said about her as long as they were talking about her.
A twig snapped to the left of me and I turned my head to see a guy sauntering up to me, a cocky grin covering his face.