by Molly Ryan
He rubbed one sleepy eye and then the other. It was only then that I realized he wasn’t at his gig.
“What happened to your gig?” I asked, momentarily thrown off the reason I went to his house.
“It got rained out,” he muttered. “What’s going on?”
“Did you sleep with Sabrina?”
“What? What are you talking about?” he asked.
“Sabrina. She said that she slept with you in the past. Is that true?” Nash’s brows furrowed and he frowned. “Nash!”
“Why did she tell you that she slept with me?” he asked, not answering the question.
“I asked you if you did. Did you sleep with her?”
“We made out,” he admitted. “Once. It was a drunken night after a party.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
Nash shrugged and grabbed my hand.
“Why wouldn’t you tell me something like this?”
“Because it didn’t mean anything. I barely remember it, I was so drunk. And honestly, I forgot that it happened until you just mentioned it.”
I pouted, crossing my arms in front of my chest.
“Seriously, Lily. It meant absolutely nothing. It’s not like we had sex. This isn’t a big fucking deal.”
I knew he had kissed other girls. I knew he had sex with other girls. However, Nash kissing Sabrina was the worst of all. I didn’t want to be getting her sloppy seconds.
“You could have told me. I felt like a fool when she told me.”
Nash pulled me close to him, getting me out of the rain.
“I’m sorry. Maybe I should have told you. But Lily… Are you really going to keep getting mad at me for my past? You know I’ve been with other girls. Is this going to continue to be a problem?”
I knew that the right answer, the only answer, was no. I wasn’t going to keep getting mad at him because of his past. But I couldn’t tell him something that I wasn’t sure of. Nash was my first real boyfriend and the only person I’ve had any experience with. Unless you count Turner. I didn’t like to think that Nash was with anyone else, or loved anyone else. I would admit it; I was jealous.
“I’m not mad at you. You have to give me some kind of leniency though. I’m all new at this dating thing.”
“I know and so am I. Now what do you say we get you out of these wet clothes?”
The gleam in his eye told me that he had more planned than just getting me warm.
All I did was smile and let him lead me into the house and down to his room.
* * *
“Come on I want to show you something,” Nash said.
I was sprawled out on his couch, in his sweats, watching a re-run of The Nanny. I cocked my head to the side, staring at him.
“But I’m comfortable Nash,” I complained.
The rain stopped overnight and the sun was peeking up through the trees. It was cold out but at least there was no more rain.
“And I’m warm. Do we have to go out?”
Nash laughed as he tugged me to my feet.
“I want to take you somewhere and show you something. Are you really going to argue with me?”
With a sigh I shook my head.
“Fine, I’ll go with you…” I said, kissing him.
* * *
I buckled in the car as he started the engine. Soon we were off, driving down the stretch of road. The road was empty and the air was cold against my cheeks. I let my arm hang out the window and smiled at the sunrise in front of us. Just me, Nash, and the sunrise; the perfect morning. Suddenly, Nash made a left, pushing me into the car door. I held on as the tires climbed over the rocky road.
“Where are we going?” I asked.
“You’ll see,” he promised. “Do you trust me?”
I was in the car with him, alone. It was the type of question that the answer didn’t actually matter. For the first time I wasn’t the littlest scared about being alone with a guy because of my past.
“Yeah, I trust you,” I said. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t like to know what’s going on.”
“You’ll see.”
Nash made another turn and drove down what looked like a deserted road before stopping and turning the car off.
“You told me that seeing the ocean and letting your toes curl in the sand was one of your biggest dreams. Right?”
“Right,” I said.
“Well, welcome to your dream.”
Nash climbed out of the car and I followed suit. He grabbed my hand and guided me through some trees before coming to an opening. The wind tickled my face, throwing my hair away from my neck. In front of me was nothing but land and ocean. The waves crashed onto land in a rolling motion as the sun rose higher. The beach was deserted, not even a seagull in sight. I slipped off my shoes, followed by my socks, and took a tentative step forward.
The sand was cold but felt like little balls underneath my feet. My feet sunk in and the sand trickled over my toes, rubbing up against each toe. I took another step forward, gasping at the new feeling. It didn’t matter that my hair was blowing in my face or that my feet were becoming numb from the cold.
“Want to go in the ocean?”
I never felt the ocean water against my feet and the thought of moving forward both exhilarated me and scared me. I nodded and reached for Nash but he took a step back.
“Aren’t you coming?” I asked and he shook his head again.
“It’s your dream...”
“But you’re part of it Nash.”
Nash was my whole dream, every single inch of it. The flitting thought grabbed my heart and squeezed.
I loved him.
I was in love with Nash.
Absolutely, one hundred percent in love with him.
I didn’t see it before because I didn’t want to see it. I wanted to make sure I was safe. I didn’t want to give my heart out.
“Come with me,” I urged. “Please?”
“But Lily-”
“I want you to come with me. I want to experience this with you.”
Nash hesitated but finally joined me. Together, hand in hand, we walked down the sand and to the edge of the surf. I waited as the wave broke and water hit my feet. I jumped back but the water got me again. It was like no matter how far away I got from the surf, the water always found my feet. It was…
Amazing.
“Lily?”
“I love you Nash,” I blurted out. “I love you. I’m in love with you.”
I turned to Nash and saw that he was as white as the sand I was standing on.
“Nash?”
“We should go, Lily,” he said. “I don’t want you to be late for class.”
We had just got there and now we were already leaving. He turned on his heel and started back to the car, not even looking back to make sure that I was following him. Confused and defeated, I hung my head and started back behind him. What did I say that was so wrong? Was telling Nash that I loved him the wrong thing to do? Impulsive, sure. I would admit that. But shock ran over me when he didn’t say it back. Maybe he didn’t love me. Maybe…Maybe this was just a fling for him.
When I got to the car and finally climbed in, Nash had his eyes on the road and both hands on the wheel. I looked at him but he didn’t look back. Instead he started the car and we started back to my dorm which told me I did do something wrong since we came from his place.
I really screwed up.
The air in the car was thick with tension. Nash’s hands were so tight on the wheels that his knuckles were white.
“Nash?”
“What’s up Lily? Did you like the beach?”
“Y-Yeah, I… I thought it was great.”
“Well, I wanted you to be able to see it.”
He smiled at me but his smile didn’t reach his eyes. Was he going to mention what I blurted out or was he going to pretend like it didn’t happen? I couldn’t take back the words and I wasn’t even sure that I wanted to. I did love Nash. We had things in common.
> But it wasn’t going to mean anything if he didn’t love me back.
“You don’t love me, do you?” I whispered.
Nash slid his eyes over to me for a second.
“What?”
“Love me, Nash, I told you that I loved you back at the beach. I told you that I was in love with you. But you didn’t say anything. It’s because you don’t love me, do you?”
“I didn’t say that, Lily.”
“But you didn’t say you loved me back. That kind of explains everything, don’t you think?”
Nash didn’t say another word. He pulled in front of my dorm building and kept his head straight as he stopped the car. It was my cue to leave but I hesitated hoping that Nash would say one last thing. He didn’t. Blinking back tears, I climbed out of the car and walked toward the building. By the time I turned back Nash and his car was gone.
Tears brimmed in my eyes and I knew I couldn’t go back inside the way I looked. So, tightening my jacket around me, I turned the opposite away Nash went and started to walk, hoping the cold air would clear my mind and relax my taut nerves.
* * *
When I got back to the dorm room, Sabrina was there reading a book. Elizabeth was next to her, using Sabrina’s laptop. I slammed the door and plopped down on the bed. Sabrina looked up.
“I’m sorry, Lily. I should have never said anything about Nash. Or I should have at least explained that it was nothing. I didn’t mean it to come out that way.”
“It’s okay… I overreacted anyway.”
“I would have done the same thing.”
Thankfully someone would have.
The next few days it was sunny out, the air was still cold and I pulled the blanket over me, curling myself up underneath it. I wasn’t tired but I was drained. All I wanted to do was stay in bed and not come out until next spring when the school year was over and I could go back home.
I still hadn’t heard from Nash. Opening my stupid mouth was such a bad idea. I should have kept it in and let Nash say it first. Maybe I made him feel trapped in a corner. I desperately wanted to text Nash and apologize for what I said. I wanted to take it back and pretend it didn’t happen. But even if I apologized I knew that it wouldn’t change anything. The words were already out there; I couldn’t take them back. I would just have to wait and see what would happen. I hoped that I didn’t screw everything up for good. But I had a feeling that I did.
Chapter Seventeen
I love you. Those three words were the worst three words that left my mouth. They ruined the one good thing that was happening and there was nothing I could do to fix it. I stared at my phone, willing it to ring, but it stayed silent. I hadn’t heard from Nash since the incident and I was unravelling at the seams.
My history text book was opened up in front of me, the pages parted to the American Revolution, but the words were blurring in front of my eyes. What time was it, three in the morning? Four? Sabrina was snoring softly across the room and I didn’t bother to look at the clock. It wasn’t going to change anything.
Waiting for Nash to call had made me an insomniac for the past few days. I couldn’t sleep, I barely ate. All I could think about was him and the look of pure horror after I let the words slip.
Slipping off my bed, I left the dormitory and went outside to the dark night. Crickets chirped and somewhere in the tree an owl hooted. Impulsively, I opened the phone and dialed Nash’s number. It didn’t matter how late it was. It was a Friday night; there was no way Nash was asleep. He had a gig that I was supposed to go to before he stopped talking to me, and it wasn’t ending until after midnight. By now he was probably just getting back to his house.
The phone rang once, twice, and on the third ring he finally picked up. I could hear a crowd in the background.
“Hello?” he said into the phone.
His voice was loud and I winced at the volume.
“Hey Nash,” I said.
I didn’t speak as loudly as he did because I didn’t want my voice to carry through the dead of night. I didn’t need campus security to hear me and come investigate what was going on.
“Hello?” he said again, obviously not hearing me.
“Nash, it’s Lily,” I said, this time louder.
“Lily? Hey what’s up?”
If he was upset to hear from me I couldn’t tell. He sounded happy and alive; as if he didn’t have a care in the world.
“What’s going on? It’s four in the morning, shouldn’t you be sleeping?”
It was like the whole incident didn’t happen. Nash spoke to me the same way he always did. There was no awkwardness, no silence. Yet, he never called me.
“I… I missed you,” I said, deciding to tell the truth. “I wanted to see how your set was. Did you do a good job?”
“The crowd seemed to like it. They asked for three encores. Can you fucking believe it? Three!”
“That’s great! I wish I was there to see it!”
We both knew why I didn’t go; I didn’t feel comfortable going to see him not knowing whether he was mad at me or not. Especially since he hadn’t talked to me since the beach incident.
Okay, he was mad at me.
“So… Do you want to come over tomorrow? I can make breakfast in the common area or something?”
“No,” Nash said and my heart dropped to my stomach. “Don’t worry about making me breakfast. How about I pick you up and we go to breakfast together. I think we need to talk.”
The dreaded four words. If guys thought it was hard hearing those words from a girl, it was even harder being the girl hearing it from a guy. I could just imagine all the things he wanted to say to me. First it would be a breakup, like I was expecting. I freaked him out.
“Sure,” I said, trying to keep my voice light. “See you around eleven?”
It wasn’t exactly breakfast time but I had a feeling that Nash would want to sleep as late as possible.
“No,” he said again. “I’ll see you at eight. Sweet dreams Lily.”
He cut off the call before I could say anything back. With a knot of dread forming in my stomach, I headed back to my dorm room to wait in agonizing silence until I saw Nash.
* * *
“Morning sexy,” someone said softly in my ear.
I opened my eyes to see Nash standing over me, dark circles under his eyes and a sleepy smile on his face.
“Good morning,” I mumbled.
I yawned and stretched, cracking my back.
“What time is it?”
“Eight forty-five. I wanted to let you sleep a little longer.”
“Thanks,” I said, confused.
I didn’t remember falling asleep and yet there I was, waking up to Nash’s soft voice. Staring at Nash, I tried to figure out if he was happy to see me. Was this an act for Sabrina or was the smile genuine? I didn’t tell Sabrina about my mishap but Nash didn’t know that. He probably didn’t want to look like a bad guy in front of her so he acted happy to see me.
“Give me five minutes and I’ll be ready.”
“I’ll wait outside for you, okay?” Nash asked.
“Sure.”
To my surprise, Nash bent down and kissed me on the lips before disappearing out of the dorm room. Not wasting any time, I found the cleanest clothes I could from the floor and ran across the hallway into the bathroom. Taking a stall, I changed out of my pajamas and into the clothes, then went to an empty sink to brush my teeth. Running back across the hall, I threw my dirty clothes onto my bed and then, on impulse, threw on a little eyeliner and lip gloss. If I was going to be broken up with, at least I would look good in the process.
At the fifth minute I was back downstairs and out the door, standing next to Nash. He was staring across the quad, watching kids throwing a Frisbee to each other.
“That was quick,” he commented.
“I told you that it was only going to be five minutes,” I pointed out. “I’m a girl of my word.”
Nash opened his mouth to say someth
ing but I put my hand up.
“Listen, before we go and before we have our little ‘talk’ I wanted to say something.”
“Yes?”
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for saying… Well you know. I didn’t mean it. Well, I mean I didn’t mean to say it. The words I meant but I should have kept them to myself. But I understand if that makes you uncomfortable and you want to break up.”
I was definitely rambling.
“You thought I wanted to break up with you?”
I nodded.
“What else was I supposed to think? Whenever someone says ‘we have to talk’ it’s usually a break up. Why would I think that this was any different?”
“Because I’m not the type of guy to run away when a girl admits her feelings,” he said.
But he kind of did at the beach.
“I’ll admit that I can’t say those words right now, but that doesn’t mean that I may not say them in the future. I was surprised, that’s all, and I didn’t know how to process it. I’m flattered, I am, and I care a lot about you.”
“You do?”
I felt a glimmer of hope at the edge of my fragile heart.
“Of course I do. You’re a great fucking girl Lily and I like you a lot. My mother died a year and a half ago and she was the last person to say I love you to me.”
“I’m sorry Nash.”
“It’s okay. I usually hide everything because it helps the days go by easier. I’m sorry I acted that way. I’m good at fucking things up.”
“No, it’s me. I get a little crazy. I told you before… I’m not used to any of this.”
“I guess that makes two of us,” Nash joked. “Why don’t you and I take it easy. Let’s go to breakfast and then we’ll figure out the rest. One day at a time, you know?”
It wasn’t exactly what I wanted but it was a better idea then breaking up.
“Sure, one day at a time.”
I grabbed his hand and let him lead me to his car.
The two of us drove down the highway, Nash humming while I looked out the window at the passing scenery. My eyes were still heavy and I couldn’t imagine how Nash was feeling. How was he still awake?