by Ilsa J. Bick
But Peter had gone to college. Hadn’t graduated for … reasons, ones that had to do with eyes in stone and orange water. And Penny. And Simon. And that damn boat. He didn’t talk about any of that, not about college or the accident. Not even Chris knew. No point. But Peter had studied genetic rescue and evolution and endangered species. Once upon a time, he’d had big ideas and grand dreams, too. He was going to save the world. So, sometimes, Peter really understood where Finn was coming from. There was a ruthless logic to Finn’s madness that a true Darwinian might find very appealing.
Then, again: bong-bong-BONG.
Peter wasn’t exactly sane.
“So, when?” Simon pestered. “You’re just sitting on your ass.”
This was the literal truth. “It’s a little more complicated than that,” Peter said, still trying to hold it together, keep it down. “Just give it a rest, Simon. Okay?”
“Who the hell’s he talking to?” That was the new guard, a jowly oldster with a hound-dog face and jug handles for ears in a standard, olive-drab uniform. Sidearm on his right hip, expandable baton in a cross-draw, slide side-break scabbard on the left. Jug Ears and the other duty guard were behind a plain wooden desk squared before a deep hearth in which a fire crackled, all the way down at the other end of the prison house.
A voice Peter recognized: “Beats the hell out of me.” The second guard, Lang—Traitor, Simon hissed, tear out his throat, pop his eyes, eat ’em like grapes—yawned hugely, stretched. “He’s always going on like that.”
Now, those guards had to be fifty, sixty feet away, and yet Peter heard all this, loud and clear, and despite the bells. He’d become like this bat, see, picking up sounds: the sssss as the residual water on a fresh log hissed and evaporated, the CREE-cree of Lang’s leather belt as he walked, even the squeak of boots over snow outside the prison house. Sometimes, he thought he actually heard other, very tiny voices inside his head. Nothing distinct but more of a hubbub like being in a crowded train station with a very high ceiling.
“Well, Jesus, the way he talks to himself,” Jug Ears said, “it’s kind of spooky.”
Spooky. BWAHAHAHA. They didn’t know spooky. The bong-bong-BONGs were spooky. Not sleeping, at all, was spooky. An old nightmare you saw while you were awake—orange blood in murky water and the boat and eyes that were holes in stone—that was spooky. Something growing electric red wings in your brain was spooky.
He watched as Lang’s hand crawled into an oily gray helmet of thinning hair and dug in for a good scritch-scritch. “Boss says they’re hallucinations,” Lang said as dandruff salted his shoulders. “They’re supposed to go away. He gets too loud, go ahead, give him a couple whacks. That’ll shut him up.”
“I’m not a hallucination,” Simon whispered. His voice always came from Peter’s blind spot on the right. Hoping to catch him out, Peter sometimes whipped around, but Simon danced away in a quicksilver sparkle.
“I know that,” Peter said, although a very small, still sane part of his mind also whispered, Oh, riiiight.
“Where is the boss, anyway?” Jug Ears asked. “He’s been gone over a week.”
“You know I’m real,” Simon said.
“Shh,” Peter whispered. “Simon, please, be quiet. I need—”
“Last I heard, boss took a bunch of Chuckies. Wants to see how they do,” Lang said. “Said they learn faster when they go out in teams, especially once they got enough in them.”
“Uh-oh,” Simon said.
That got Peter’s attention. Enough in them? Of what? Lang and Jug Ears weren’t talking only about his fellow inmates. So who? Finn had different Changed? Different how? He thought about the bells. Thought about how well he heard things and the constant scrim of the old dream. Thought about the scudder in his skull. And Simon; I hear someone I know can’t be here. So what if—
“Well, Jesus, them and us together … that makes my skin crawl. And what happens with that stuff? To their eyes? Like what’s going on with him?” Jug Ears hooked a thumb at Peter’s cell. “Scares the bejesus out of me. Like something out of a movie.”
Wait. What’s going on with me? His fingers traced the bone of his sockets and dragged over the soft hummocks of his closed lids. His eyes were so raw they might be weeping blood. Eyes, eyes in the dark, holes in stone. But I have real eyes. Unless I’m Changing, too, into something else. Unless Finn is—
“Yeah, but you’ll be glad when the time comes. Whole lot more of them. Better a Chucky eats a bullet than me,” Lang said.
“Maybe.” Jug Ears sounded doubtful. “But I’m telling you, the first time one of them looks at me crosswise? Blow its fucking head off. And what about these Chuckies here and the other holding areas? You got any idea what the boss wants with them?”
“Well, some he takes,” Lang said. “The ones he thinks are smarter, I guess. But what we’re going to do with all the rest … hell if I know.”
Finn has more Changed, and not just here. He’s divided them into groups: the ones he leaves alone, and then the ones he … drugs? Peter could see it. How stupid was it for him to believe Finn when the old bastard said they could handle only ten Changed at a time? It had been almost five months since things went to hell. Finn’s militia was in place long before. Finn was ready for things to fall apart. So he’s working with the Changed, on them somehow, not only taming a couple as pets. He wants only the smartest, the fastest, the best.
What Finn might want with these others, though, the ones in here with him, Peter couldn’t imagine. They weren’t food—well, not for the Changed, anyway, who killed but never fed on one another. So what was Finn up to with all these kids, a ton of whom were from Rule?
Another thought: He has me. He knows all about me. So did Finn know about Simon? About Penny? What if Finn was looking for them, too?
Relax, he won’t find them. No one knows where Penny—
“I don’t know,” Simon said. “Finn got you. What makes you think he can’t figure it out? You have to do something, Peter.”
“I’ve done what I can. I’ve kept you alive.” Peter’s overstressed brain felt as if someone had crammed it into a blender. “I’ve lost everything for you.”
“No,” Simon said—and damn if he didn’t sound like Finn. “You were lost when you decided the Zone was a good idea. You were lost the second you lied to the police, didn’t tell the truth about the accident and the boat and Penny.”
“Don’t you think I know that?” A shout boiled in his chest. Don’t, don’t, don’t, can’t scream. He bit the soft flesh of his cheek, really ground down. The pain was bright but not nearly enough, no sir. Screaming doesn’t help. You scream, they hurt you, Lang kicks you, he beats you. But they won’t kill you. So this isn’t going to end until you—
“Then do something, Peter,” Simon said. “Stop Finn. Make a move. Do something.”
“Shut up!” Snarling, Peter flung that left foot across his cell. “Shut up, Simon, just shut up!”
“Hey, hey!” Lang said.
“Please, God.” Groaning, Peter struggled upright, hooked his fingers around the iron bars snugged against the wall, and hung on, fists working the metal against another wave of pain. “No no no, Peter, don’t scream, Peter, don’t scream.”
Not for the first time, Peter wondered how long and hard he’d have to whack his head for his skull to crack and his brain to squish out like runny yolk. Or he could let himself drift close to the bars where the Changed waited. Thread his hands through and pull Kate close, let her sink her teeth into his throat, give her the first taste. It would be over before the guards could beat her and her cellmates back. But he was a coward; he couldn’t let himself die. He wasn’t ready, and there were Penny and Simon to think about. There was Chris.
Count; he should count. Counting was good. Ten cells, there are ten.… His feverish gaze touched on one after another. Five to a side, one two three four five … “This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed home, this little piggy had roast be
ef … help me, help me, help … bong, bong, bong …”
“Okay, that’s pretty crazy,” Jug Ears said.
“No, no, no, nononono,” Peter chanted, knuckling his temples, shaking his head back and forth. “Eight … eight eight eight eight days since the bells, but ten cells ten ten ten, ten little piggies, wee, wee, wee …” He heard his voice rising to a cracking falsetto. “Wee, wee, wee, weeweewee … no, stop! Stop, stop!” He wasn’t aware he was punctuating the word with a punch to his jaw until his knuckles barked with pain.
“Shouldn’t we do something?” Jug Ears asked.
“If he starts digging out his eyes or something,” said Lang.
“He ever done that?”
“Only once.”
“Stop,” Peter panted, but he was no longer sure to whom he spoke. He had to let go of this, get control. He punched his jaw again and again, harder, harder! This time, the soft inner flesh of his cheek ripped against his teeth. His mouth flooded with the tang of metal and swamp water—the boat, deep in the dark—a taste he now knew very well. But this is me, this is good. He drank himself back. This is my blood; it’s not anyone I had to eat—
“No.” He straightened abruptly as if a hidden spring had suddenly released at his waist. “I’m not going to think about that either. I’m going to think about something else. I’m going to think think think.” He began to pace the limits of his cage, past the eyes of the Changed but well away from their grasping hands and Kate, Kate, Kate, around and around and around. Count, do something, do anything, but get a grip. “Get a grip, get a grip, I’m Peter, I’m in a cell, I’m in a camp …”
“You’re Peter, you’re in a cell, you’re in a camp.” Simon was an echo, a ghost from the graveyard of Peter’s memories. “You’re in a cell, this is hell, and I’m Simon, and it’s ten little piggies and they went wee wee wee …”
“I’m not listening to you.”
“You’re talking to me.”
“I’m not hearing you!” Peter shouted, over the bong-bong-BONG. “Jesus, please, let me go!” The top of his head hurt so much it felt like someone had cratered his skull with a brick. Please, God, please. Why won’t you let me die?
“Because it’s not your time,” Simon said.
“But I can’t take this anymore.” Peter ran his tongue over his upper lip, skimming a rank and now very familiar lace of dried copper and old salt. “Please, Simon—”
“Simon?” said Jug Ears.
“Old rev’s grandson,” Lang said, bored. “Kid he was real close to.”
“Grandson? I thought Chris Prentiss was Yeager’s grandson.”
“Him, too—which is weird, ’cause the old guy had only one kid.”
“So how’s that work?” asked Jug Ears.
“Beats shit out of me,” said Lang.
“You’re not allowed to die yet, Peter,” Simon said. “Penny and I need you.”
“Don’t you think I know that?” Raging, he whirled, trying for a grab, coming up empty as Simon danced away, always out of reach. “You need me, Penny needs me. But I can’t help you right now—don’t you get that? I can’t even help myself!”
“Who’s Penny?” Jug Ears said.
“His sister. Guys from Rule said she was a real looker. Just”—Lang cupped his hands in front of his chest—“fine.”
“Shut up!” Peter whipped his head so fast bloody spit flew. But in his heart, he was also glad because it gave him someone else to hate other than himself. “Don’t you say my sister’s name! Don’t you even think it!”
“Gone by the time I got there. Heard she maybe went native.” Lang kept talking as if Peter wasn’t there—and this was so true, in so many ways. Lang skimmed the pale pink eel of his tongue over teeth stained black with decay and ancient nicotine. “Damn shame. Be real sweet to show all those girls what a man can …”
“Shut up!” Fisting the bars in both hands, Peter cranked his elbows like a chimp. “Shut up, Lang! I’ll fucking kill you if you don’t shut up shut up shut up!”
“Yeah, yeah?” Scraping back his chair, Lang reached for his scabbard. A whip of his wrist, and twenty-six inches of black chromed steel snapped into place. Lang advanced half the distance to Peter’s cell, smacking iron with sharp, clanging bang-bang-bangs that somehow synchronized to the bong-bong-bongs. In the other cells, the Changed cringed back. “You getting tough, boy, huh? You going to kill me? Like to see you try.”
Yes! Go ahead, split my skull, pulp my brain, kill me kill me kill me! “Bring it, bring it!” Peter howled. “Come on, you prick, come on! You’re brave out there; you can talk about showing girls what kind of man you are, so come on!”
Lang’s cheeks flooded scarlet. “Don’t think I won’t—”
“Lang!” Jug Ears was on his feet. “I don’t think this is a real good—”
“Shut up!” Advancing, Lang cut iron with a vicious BAP. “You little pissant—”
“Peter.” It was Simon—and then it wasn’t. Calm and small, this voice was nonetheless powerful, a kick in the gut that knocked the wind right out of him. “Peter, don’t.”
Like that, Peter felt the fight drain away, leaving him boneless, water-weak. He looked to his right, where Simon always hovered out of sight, then gasped as the air suddenly split—and Chris, shimmery and bright, slid into being.
“Peter.” Chris’s face was a white blare. “Stop. You can’t beat them like this.”
“Chris,” Peter breathed. His knees tried to buckle. The sight rocked him back so hard that if he hadn’t been clinging to the bars, he’d have crumpled to the filthy concrete. Chris couldn’t be here; he knew that. The fact that Chris was … What if he’s dead? No, please, God. Peter’s throat knotted with grief. His vision clouded, and he squeezed his eyes tight. “Chris, you can’t be here. I can’t be seeing you. I’m not.”
“Yeah?” Lang barked. When he whapped the bars again, the sound was much weaker and didn’t hurt Peter’s ears as much. Why was that? “Look at me when I’m talking!”
“Open your eyes, Peter,” Chris said. “Look at me. Let me help you.”
“No.” He was trembling and cold, so cold. “If I do … if I can see you, it means you’re dead, or Changed and …”
“See me,” Chris said. “Hear me.”
He couldn’t help himself. His lids crept open, and then he cried out. Chris’s face was chalk-white, his eyes not black but a stunning, glistering violet. He shouldn’t look. He ought to cover his eyes. Keep this up, he’d go blind. But he was also afraid that if he took his gaze elsewhere—if he looked for Simon or doe-eyed Kate or Lang or even Finn—the sight would destroy him completely. The dark was its own terrible light.
“I see you.” This was a hallucination, a vision conjured by a fevered mind because he had nothing else, no hope. I’ll never wake up from this, because I never sleep. “Chris … God … help me.”
“I’ll help you.” Lang whapped the bars again.
“I will.” Always the calm one, Chris’s voice was a cool cloth on a hot brow, water in the desert. “But you have to listen. You have to trust me and do what I say.”
Chris wasn’t here any more than Simon was real. They were hallucinations. They were symptoms of the past and his choices and eyes like holes in stone and black water as deep and still as the grave. This was a conscience divided against itself. Yet if Chris was the voice of sanity, a piece of real estate in Peter’s mind no larger than a dime trying to talk itself down and help him survive … Listen to this voice, listen hard. “What?” Peter said. “What do you want me to do?”
“Step away from the bars, Peter,” Chris said. “Don’t let them hurt you anymore. You’re not strong enough yet.”
“I’m not anything anymore.” A slow, hot trickle leaked down his cheeks. “I’m not strong. Simon’s right. I’m nothing.”
“Now you’re learning,” Lang said.
“You can be strong again,” Chris said. “You will. But you must be brave enough to let go of this fight for n
ow.”
“But I’ll fall,” Peter said.
“Only to the floor,” Chris said. “Trust me, Peter.”
“Oooohhhh,” Peter moaned. He retreated four blundering steps before his joints completely unlimbered, and he sank to his knees.
“See?” Lang broke down his baton. “Can’t let the little shit get on top of you.”
They’re already on top of me. Bowing his head, Peter screwed his fists to his eyes like a weary child, and then he was choking, his pent-up grief and guilt a terrible sound that still, somehow, seemed to quiet those damn bonging bells, just a little. Or maybe Lang was right, and whatever Finn had done would pass into something much worse, if that was even possible. He thought it might be, and he was afraid. Maybe it was good he couldn’t sleep, because when he woke, what would he be then? I’m sorry, Chris, I’m so sorry, I’m so—
“It’s okay,” Chris said, as if soothing a little kid who’d scraped a knee. “Shh, it’s fine. You did the best you could. You can’t give up.”
“But what I’ve done.” Peter covered his face with his hands. God, you’ll never forgive me.
“You have to forgive yourself first,” Chris said, and hallucination or not, this is what Peter needed to hear. Much later, in fact, Peter wondered just who had answered.
“Help me,” Peter whispered.
“Help yourself.” It was Chris’s voice, and it wasn’t. It was a little of Simon, and it was not. It was small, the calm at the center of the storm, the eye of a hurricane where the air is still as glass, a bubble out of time. “Control yourself. Find a space to hide.”
“Space to hide?”
“Yes, a special place only you know about. Put Peter there and I’ll find you again. Wait for the right moment.” A pause. “Now, eat, Peter. Forgive yourself, and live.”
“Okay.” The word was salty and his voice faraway. Knuckling away tears, he shuffled on hands and knees over dried urine and desiccated feces to the foot, which lay on its side like a forgotten shoe.