by Stormy Glenn
Were they there?
Were they waiting for me?
I swallowed tightly when I didn't see anything and turned to walk into the house. A soft cry fell from my lips when I saw Danny sitting on the couch with Abe. He was leaning into the bigger man, and Abe's arm was wrapped around him.
"Danny."
I ran toward him as best as I could on my wobbly legs. Danny was standing with open arms by the time I reached him. Tears dripped from my eyes as I grabbed him and hugged him as tight as I could.
"Oh my god, Danny. I was so afraid he'd get you."
Danny sniffled and hugged me back. "I'm sorry you got taken because of me."
What?
"No, Danny." I leaned back and grabbed Danny's face with my hands. It was then I saw the swollen eyes and trails of tears down his cheeks. "No, Danny. I wasn't taken because of you. I was taken because Atkins is a psychotic asshole. You had nothing to do with it."
"But, if he didn't want me so bad, he never would have—"
"If it hadn't been me, it would have been someone else, Danny. He's determined to get his hands on you any way that he can."
"See?" Danny cried out as he turned and buried himself in Abe's arms. "It is my fault."
"No, Danny, it's not. Atkins is crazy. Sane people don't kidnap other people or try and collect people, no matter what he thinks they might be able to do. Just because you're a shifter doesn't mean he has the right to keep you locked up somewhere."
"That's what I told him," Abe said from behind Danny.
I smiled as I glanced up at the big Marine. "Hey, Abe."
He smiled back, one of the few I'd seen since I'd met the man. "Hi, Kaito. I'm glad you're back."
"You and me both."
"You going to be okay?"
"Eventually." It would take a lot to get there. "Right now, I'd like something to eat and a shower." I grimaced as I glanced down at the blanklet wrapped around me. "And a clean set of clothes to change into."
"Why don't you go upstairs and take a shower," Ian said. "I'll get you something to change into then make you something to eat. It'll be ready when you come back downstairs."
"Sounds like a plan." I sent him a weak smile. I wasn't sure I'd make it upstairs let alone back down again. "I think I might need a little help."
"Of course."
"I can help." Abe took a step forward, setting Danny to the side.
"I have him," Jack said as he swept me up in his arms.
"No! Put me down!" I pushed at Jack's chest and tried to wiggle away.
Jack just held on tighter as he carried me out of the room. "Knock it off before you hurt yourself."
"Put me down!"
"No."
I let out a sound that tried to be a growl, but came out as more of a grunt and a whimper. "I can walk on my own."
"No, you can't." Jack wasn't even breathing hard by the time we reached the top of the stairs. He went right down the hallway and carried me into the room I'd had before then into the bathroom. He was gently as he sat me down on the counter. "Do you need help with the shower?"
"Not from you," I snapped as I pushed at Jack's chest again.
He didn't budge an inch.
Damn it.
"Knock it off, Kaito."
"I will just as soon as you go away."
The sooner, the better.
"I'm not going anywhere until I know you're okay."
I lifted my chin in defiance. "I'm fine."
Sorta.
"I'd believe that if you weren't shaking."
This time I did growl. "Go away, Jack. I don't need you here."
Jack drew in a heavy breath as if he was holding on to his temper with all of his might. "You can't do this on your own, Kaito. You're barely sitting up. Let me help you."
"I'd rather crawl to the shower than have you help me." I leveled an evil glare at him. "Besides, I'm going to have to get naked, and you shouldn't be here for that. You're not gay, remember?"
"You're never going to let me live that down, are you?"
Oh, hell, no.
"Why should I?" I snapped. "You treated me like a whore. Hell, you treated me worse than a whore. At least whores get paid after they get fucked."
"I didn't—"
Jack's lips pressed together, and he fisted his hands as he took a step back, which was what I'd wanted, but I was suddenly ice cold.
When he spoke again, his voice was a lot more controlled. "I didn't mean to make you feel like a whore, Kaito. That was never my intention."
"Just what was your intention then? I never expected hearts and roses, Jack, but what you did…to make me feel like I was less than nothing?" I shook my head, not sure what to say. "Fine. You're not gay. Whatever. Just leave me out of it."
"Actually." Jack swallowed tightly as he rubbed the back of his neck. His eyes darted away then came back to me, then darted away again. "I think I might be."
I stared. Hard. "What?"
"The things we did together, I've never felt anything like that. I've been with a lot of women, Kaito, and not a one of them made me feel like you did. I actually felt alive for the first time in my life. I felt something besides the anger that seems to always consume me. I didn't need to snap at anyone. I didn't have to watch over my back. I didn't have to do anything but lay there and feel you pressed against me."
He was saying all the right things, but still… "Jack."
Jack grabbed my hands and held them pressed together between his own. "You don't understand. I've spent my entire life in one mode. Survival. My earliest memory was dodging beer bottles my father threw at me. I was three."
My heart lurched. "Oh, Jack."
How horrible that must of have been. We'd never discussed anything personal between us beyond casual conversation. I had no idea he'd grown up in such a horrible situation.
"I didn't tell you that to make you feel sorry for me. I got away. I escaped and joined the Marines. I learned to protect myself, but I learned it so well that nothing got through. I'm always wound tight because I have to be aware of everything around me so no one can hurt me again, no one can break down my defenses. That's what's made me such a great soldier, I'm always on guard, but also it's kept me from feeling anything. Not love or affection. Even desire was muted."
"You said yourself you've fucked a lot of women."
I hated saying that.
"Sure, I fucked around, but it was almost like I did it because it was expected of me, not because I was enjoying myself. I barely even jerk off. I just don't feel desire like that." Jack inhaled a shaky breath. "Until you."
Jack reached up and brushed some hair back from my face. My hair was short, but long enough that I could tuck it behind my ears, which was exactly what Jack did.
"You made me feel, Kaito. You made me ache so bad I was consumed with having you. I don't think my cock has gone down since that first kiss. You made me feel and need and want and…" Jack took a deep breath then continued speaking. "I don't want to go back to before. I can't."
Tears flooded my eyes at the futility of it all. Jack was baring his heart to me, and I so wanted to accept that special gift, but I couldn't, not even for him.
"I can't live in the closet with you, Jack, no matter how much I want you. I refuse to hide who I am or who I want." I smiled weakly because my heart was breaking, but if I wasn't truthful with myself, my entire life would be a lie and I couldn't live with that. "I'm gay, Jack."
Jack's lips thinned as he pressed them together. His brown eyes turned charcoal dark as he stared at me. I barely swallowed the whimper hovering in my throat when Jack turned and walked out of the bathroom. I heard him shout something, but I had no idea what it was. I probably didn't want to know.
I knew this would be the outcome of telling Jack I wouldn't live in the closet with him, but I never thought it would hurt so damn much. I guess I was a little more invested in him than I thought.
Before I could sink into my misery, Jack was back. He picked me up off t
he counter and carried me into the bedroom before setting me gently down on the bed. I knew I must have looked confused—I was confused—because Jack just stared down at me and shook his head.
"Just wait."
Wait for what?
The bedroom door opened and Hank walked in, followed by Ian, Danny and Abe, Cooper and Andrew, Judge and Ewan, and finally Santos.
Hank frowned as he glanced between us. "What's wrong?" he asked. "What did you need to see us about? It sounded urgent." He was clearly as confused as I was.
"I'm gay," Jack said.
My jaw dropped.
"I'm gay and Kaito and I have been seeing each other since before he was kidnapped. We're sleeping together…having sex with each other…because we're gay, me and him. Both of us are gay."
Shit!
Ian rolled his eyes and turned to walk out of the room. "I'm going to go finish cooking."
"And you're telling us this why?" Hank asked.
"Because Kaito won't be with me if I'm in the closet, and he refuses to live in there with me."
"Oh, please," Ewan said. "Kaito has never been in the closet."
Well, that was true. I'd known I liked guys since I was six years old and figured out I liked watching guys more than I liked watching girls.
I was an early bloomer.
"So, I wanted you to know," Jack said. "I'm gay."
"Congratulations," Andrew said before turning and walking out of the room, dragging Cooper behind him.
"Mazel tov." Ewan walked out of the room. Judge and Santos trailed after him, leaving only Hank, Danny, and Abe in the room with us.
"Are you okay with this?" Danny asked, looking at me.
"Well, I didn't mean for Jack to out himself." I shrugged. "But yeah, I'm okay with it."
Danny nodded before reaching for Abe's hand. He pulled the bigger man out of the room with him, leaving just Hank behind. Hank crossed his arms over his massive chest and just stared at us. I felt like a kid caught doing something wrong by my father.
"What?" I finally asked when I couldn't stand the silence any longer.
"This is kind of sudden for you two, isn't it?"
"Maybe, but I don't plan to wait nearly twenty years for my happiness like you and Ian did." Yes, my response was a bit catty, but come on. Since when did Hank get to question me about who I slept with?
Hank's eyebrow arched up high on his forehead.
I rolled my eyes and scooted off the bed. I was not going to sit there and be questioned about my actions, not by Hank and not by anyone else. "I'm going to take a shower."
"Hold on, baby, and I'll help you," Jack said. "Hank was just leaving."
Whatever.
I heard Hank and Jack talking as I walked into the bathroom and shut the door. Part of me wanted to listen in, but the other part—the part that had been kidnapped and tortured wanted a shower more.
I dropped the blanket on the floor then leaned into the shower and turned it on. While the water was heating up, I turned and looked at myself in the mirror.
Christ! I looked like ass warmed over.
I'd lost a few pounds that I really couldn't afford to lose. I hadn't been skinny, but I'd definitely been on the lean side. Now, I looked practically anorexic. Dark circles marked the undersides of my eyes. And my eyes. Oh man, my eyes. Totally bloodshot.
There were no other outwardly marks to show what I'd been through. Not even a scratch. I felt there should have been something to show the horrors I'd been through. Kind of made me think of those people with medical conditions who looked perfectly fine. They had trouble getting people to understand that they were sick. They just didn't show it.
I didn't show it either, except for the eyes.
I knew with a few good meals I'd fill out again, and eventually my eyes wouldn't be bloodshot and the dark bags under my eyes would fade, but nothing would touch what was truly wrong with me deep down inside.
I was sick and no one would be able to see it.
I sighed and turned away from the mirror. There was nothing I could do about any of that right now. I needed to concentrate on what I could do, like take a shower then get some food. The rest would fall into place or it wouldn't.
I climbed into the shower and stepped under the shower spray. I almost cried as hot, steamy water rained down on me. It hurt, like a hundred thousand tiny needles beating down on my skin, but it felt so good to feel the dirt and grime wash off under the hot water.
I had almost started to believe I would never be clean.
When the shower door opened and someone stepped inside, I knew it was Jack. I could smell him. Besides, I figured Jack wouldn't let anyone in here that wasn't supposed to be here.
I could be wrong.
"Get your hair wet, Kaito, and I'll wash it for you."
Yep, it was Jack.
I stuck my head a little farther under the water and got all of my hair wet then tilted my head back. I groaned when Jack's fingers sank into my hair. He started at the front then slowly made his way back to the base of my skull, his fingertips gently massaging every inch.
Nothing had ever felt so good.
Swear.
"Okay, rinse."
I leaned forward, placing my head under the water again. Jack's hands slid through my hair again, rinsing away all the shampoo. I stood there shivering when he started to wash my body from head to toe. He even lifted my feet up one at a time and washed the bottoms.
"Okay, baby, time to rinse off."
I didn't even mind the baby comment.
I stood directly under the shower spray once again, letting the hot water wash away the soap. I wanted to stay there, but I knew the water would grow cold after a while. Still, I almost cried when I reached over and turned it off.
When I turned and stepped out of the shower, Jack was waiting there with a fresh towel. Once again, I just stood there, this time as he dried my hair then my body. After he dried me, Jack helped me dress in the soft pajama bottoms and long-sleeved shirt Ian had provided. He even helped me on with the thick wool socks.
"Ready to get something to eat?"
I turned to give Jack a stone-cold look, but knew it fell way short when Jack smiled at me. "Why are you doing this?"
The way Jack's eyes began to sparkle made me nervous.
"I told you, Kaito. I'm not going to go back to what I was like before. You taught me how to feel. I refuse to give that up."
I narrowed my eyes. "So, you're using me?"
"No, baby. I'm loving you."
Chapter Ten
"Excuse me?"
I couldn't have heard that right.
"It took me a while to figure out what I was feeling, mostly because I'd never felt it before. I knew for sure when you were taken. I went from feeling something for the very first time to dead inside again, and I didn't feel alive until I saw you again."
Jack tossed his hands up in the air as he spun and walked across the small bathroom. "I don't know what you call this. If I want you more than my next breath? Fine, call it desire. If I feel an overwhelming need to touch you and see you every second of every day? Fine, call it possessiveness."
Jack turned and walked back to me before grabbing me and drawing me into his arms. He held me tightly, but gently. "If I have a soul-deep, gut-clawing need to change everything about my life just to see you smile? Fine, then call it what it is. Love." Jack smiled at me. "I love you, Kaito."
"Jack," I whispered. I don't think anyone except my parents had ever told me they loved me. "I don't know what to say."
What was the proper response for something like that?
Jack's smile lost some of its luster. "You could tell me you love me back."
Did I though?
I thought over my feelings for Jack, and there were a lot of them. I knew he drove me insane on a pretty regular basis. I knew I loved verbally sparring with him. I knew I really loved being in bed with him, especially when he lowered his defenses and let me see that gentle side of him. And
I knew the thought of never being this close to him again made my heart hurt.
But, was that love?
"I feel something, but I'm not sure what it is."
"But you do feel something for me?" Jack winced. "Besides anger?"
I chuckled. "Yes."
Jack hugged me tight, tucking my head under his chin. "I'll take it," he whispered before pressing a kiss to the top of my head. "I'll take whatever you allow me until you figure it out."
Okay, that might have raised the scale in his direction just a little bit more.
"Let's get you downstairs for some food then we'll come back up here so you can rest."
I shuddered.
"No, no, it'll be okay. I'll stay up and watch over you all night. I won't let anyone get to you. I promise."
"I'm not sure that will help, Jack."
"Can you tell me what they did to you, Kaito?" Jack asked. "If you don't want to talk about it, I'll understand, but I'll listen if you want to talk about it."
I wasn't going to say anything, because I really didn't want to talk about it, but I found myself telling Jack every horrible detail anyway. Tears streamed down my face as I retold of being restrained and unable to fight back, to get away.
I told him about being collared and tied down to the table. I even told him about the metal cage they put on my dick. The drugs that held me immobile, unable to do anything but lie there and feel every single painful thing they did to me.
And then the electrical shocks. The never-ending shocks that ripped through every part of my body and stole my ability to do anything. I couldn't even shift.
Jack held me the entire time, hugging me and stroking his fingers through my hair. When I finally ran out of words, he handed me a tissue to blow my nose then lifted my chin up until our eyes met.
"They will never hurt you again, Kaito. I swear this on my life. I told you, my issues with control make me a very good soldier. My anger makes me a great soldier, and now, I have someone to aim that anger at. If they try to come for you again, they're going to find out what makes me such a good Marine."
I believed him.
"Okay, Jack."
Jack swung me up in his arms and carried me out of the bedroom then down the stairs to the dining room. He set me down in one of the chairs before heading to the kitchen. He was back a few minutes later with a tall glass of milk.