Desired

by Bianca Giovanni

  “You didn’t sound anything like that.” I snicker. “You sound like fuckin’ Michelle Obama compared to these chicks. To be fair, you’re about a zillion times smarter than every single person here, so it’s not hard for you to sound all mature and intelligent.”

  She smiles widely, and I kiss her forehead as we enter the big show.

  Chapter 8

  Lola

  JAMES HOLDS MY HAND as we’re guided into the expansive ballroom. It’s set up like the Golden Globes with tables everywhere. We get to our table, occupied mostly by the Sin Cinema gang, and we’re placed on the front corner near a pathway to the stage. I’m no expert, but I’d say that means the odds are pretty good that James will be making a few trips to the podium tonight.

  There are guys with cameras everywhere, and I feel like Angelina Jolie sitting at the table with my Brad Pitt, turning all kinds of heads. I’m beginning to realize what an A-lister James is in the X-rated world.

  I’m happy because my seat is right next to Chad, with Alejandro at his other side, and he toasts me when the waiters bring around more champagne.

  “To your first award show,” he says, smiling.

  I clink my glass with his and take a sip, feeling like a princess. This isn’t so bad, right? Maybe my mounting fears were unfounded and this is going to be like some Hollywood soirée.

  Everyone chats excitedly as we wait for the show to start. Across from me is James’s redheaded co-star in Collared, Amber Blaze, and her girlfriend, a beautiful Asian girl named Kimberly who is a “civilian” like me. Next to her is the infamous Ethan Dane, who gives me a flirty smile. He’s there with his recent co-star, a tattooed brunette whose name escapes me at the moment. Just down the table is Lexi Jaxxxon. She’s here with some beefy blond guy whom I’ve seen in a couple clips on the Internet but whose name I can’t remember. Beside them is Tara Morgan, who is giggling with Kayla Grey like they’re having the best time in the world. I notice Tara check James out more than once, and when I meet her eyes, she gives me a scowl. Fuck you, Tara! Which one of us is wearing his ring, hmm?

  At the far end of the table, Rick is seated with the young, perky blonde he’s screwing these days. Such a fucking sleaze! I wouldn’t be surprised if he convinced her that fucking him was the best way to break into the industry. Yuck! Rick doesn’t look at me, mostly because he knows I hate him, but he does glance at James a few times. Thankfully, James completely ignores him, not wanting to let the sight of his former employer put a damper on his elation tonight.

  Finally, the lights go out and the show starts. A familiar, foul-mouthed comedian is co-hosting the show with last year’s Best New Girl award winner, Tori Michaels. They open with a bit about how everybody in the room has slept together, except for him, and how he can’t get the starlets to go for him. It’s surprisingly funny, even though Tori could learn to deliver her lines like a normal person and not like she’s constantly on the verge of orgasm.

  They announce the first category, Best Solo Masturbation. Suddenly, I don’t feel like Angelina Jolie anymore. Clips play on the big screens adorning the stage of various girls I recognize from last night’s party. One is using a small vibrator, one a huge dildo, another just her fingers. We’re not in Kansas anymore!

  Tori opens the envelope and announces the winner, a petite brunette whom they just showed riding a Sybian sex machine to a screaming climax. I hardly pay attention to her speech, trying to process what I’ve just walked into, but I hear bits and pieces of sentences, including “this girl right here” and “best tongue ever” being thrown around as the two girls hug and lustfully kiss each other. And that’s just the first acceptance speech!

  “Welcome to the Adult Video Awards,” Chad whispers in my ear as he raises his glass to me.

  “I get the feeling I’m going to need more champagne.”

  “Just wait until they get to the hardcore categories,” he teases. “I might have to reach over and cover your delicate eyes.”

  I laugh, and he puts his arm around me to pat my shoulder.

  “You okay so far?” James turns to ask me when they show the clips for Best Girl/Girl. He must know that this is weird for me. He’s used to being surrounded by sex all day, but I haven’t had an acclimation period to adjust to this whole scene, and the sudden bombardment of nude, orgasmic women is a bit jarring.

  “Yeah, I’m good.” I nod, downplaying any shred of uneasiness that might show in my posture. He’s comfortable here. I need to get comfortable too.

  “Cool.” He smiles broadly. “They’re gonna bring more food later on, so have anything you want,” he says as he motions to the plates in front of us.

  I’ve hardly even picked at the array of bite-sized items, but I decide to try the shrimp. I take a bite and notice Tara Morgan staring at me. She grabs a shrimp and puts it in her mouth, pulling it in and out to mimic a blowjob. She gives me a wink and a bitchy smirk as she flicks her tongue over the shrimp and then eats it.

  I turn away from her, not wanting to engage her. I see what she’s trying to do. She’s trying to rattle me by drawing my attention to her Best Oral Sex nomination, which happens to be for a scene starring my fiancé.

  I take a big swig of champagne and then return my attention to the stage. James turns and gives me a smile, oblivious to Tara’s ridiculous display, and I smile back and kiss him seductively to rub it in her face. He responds very well, brushing my hair behind my ear and looking in my eyes like I’m the only girl in the world. Take that, Tara, you obnoxious ho!

  Our hosts do some silly banter involving a bunch of double entendres for oral sex before they turn to the screens to watch the clips. Oh boy, it’s the Best Oral—Cunnilingus category, which is one of James’s many nominations. Yippie.

  The first clip features a girl who ordered a peach martini while I was sitting by Chad last night. She’s going down on a beautiful Latina chick I believe is named Angelina. My stomach tightens in anticipation as I watch the next clip, starring some pretty blond girl with her face buried in the crotch of some other pretty blond girl. I hold my breath, but thankfully the next clip is of none other than Ethan Dane apparently pleasing the hell out of Jadin Stone, who’s writhing and moaning on a bed.

  I can’t help but glance over at him, attempting subtlety, but I find him staring right back at me. The sounds of Jadin’s pleasure fill the room, and Ethan looks very proud of his performance. The industry girls all say he’s very good at this, though my studly fiancé still has a rep for being the best. Both he and Ethan operate on the “one for you, one for the camera” philosophy, meaning they like to get the girls off at least once for real before switching into pure performance mode. Ethan’s expression is very flirtatious, and I can tell he’s aware that I’m thinking about his skills in the oral sex department. I flinch a little and he gives me a knowing grin before I avert my eyes.

  One clip left. This is it.

  I cringe inwardly when I see the clip of Kayla Grey sitting on the edge of a swimming pool while James passionately devours her. Her moans are real, and she’s clearly enjoying it. I’m not surprised. I feel a little weird thinking about the numerous times I’ve enjoyed this from James. When he does it to me, it feels private and intimate—something he does just for me because he loves me so much. But watching this clip somehow cheapens it just a tad. Obviously all his previous partners loved this, I figured as much, but now that he’s mine, I feel sort of uncomfortable thinking about the staggering number of women who have experienced it too.

  Chad taps my shoulder, mercifully taking my attention away.

  “It’s okay,” he whispers. “The girls always win these awards. Guys hardly ever win it. It was a surprise that James and Ethan were even nominated.”

  I smile, and he pats my back. He can tell that this is going to be rough for me, but I’m pulling off a Daniel Day-Lewis caliber performance to not give it away to James. This is his big night. Don’t spoil it!

  “And the winner is…Runaway, James Langdon with
Kayla Grey for Sin Cinema and Pure Passion Films!” Tori announces.

  I sharply draw in a breath and my chest burns a little bit as James smiles broadly and kisses my cheek before making his way to the stage. Yes, this is definitely going to be a bumpy night.

  “Wow! Thank you guys so much!” He beams as he holds the trophy. “Um, Kayla, obviously I’d like to thank you,” he says, spotting her at the table. “Thanks to the whole crew at Pure Passion and to everybody who worked on the movie. It was a lot of fun and, um, it’s so great to be recognized by the industry like this!”

  The crowd applauds, and I take a deep breath and clap along with them.

  Put on a happy face, Lola. Your man just won a trophy for going down on some other girl, but you’ve got to let it slide. You knew what to expect from a porn award show, so don’t get weird about it now.

  James disappears from the stage for a few minutes, presumably for one of those mini press conferences that go on after a person wins, and then he comes back to the table, where everyone congratulates him. He places a soft kiss on my lips, and for some reason I nearly wince. Not so sweet when you’ve seen where those lips have been, I think to myself.

  “So cool!” he whispers to me. “I seriously can’t believe they gave this one to me.”

  “Yeah, Chad was saying that guys hardly ever win it.” But, lucky you, you took it home tonight while I sat here and watched the clip of your award-winning performance.

  “I know, totally!” He beams proudly. “Fuckin’ crazy, right?”

  “Yeah, for sure,” I say, forcing my lips into a smile.

  He looks at me adoringly and kisses me softly again before turning back to the stage as they get ready for the Best Oral—Fellatio award.

  Tara fucking Morgan! It’s the first goddamned clip. Tara Morgan. On her knees. Deep-throating my fiancé.

  “How’s the champagne?” Chad whispers in my ear, very obviously trying to distract me from the graphic clip. Tara’s slurping sounds echo out from the speakers, and it’s hard to shut them out.

  I smile at him, feeling touched that he would offer a helping hand during this outrageously uncomfortable moment.

  “It’s good.” I nod in a way that acknowledges how grateful I am for him right now.

  “It’ll be okay, sugar,” Chad whispers in my ear and kisses my cheek.

  “Thank you,” I mouth to him when James turns around and rubs my back.

  My award-winner nuzzles into my hair and kisses just behind my ear. “I love you, baby,” he whispers to me, “and you look so beautiful that I hope the camera gets a shot of you so everybody who watches on TV can see my beautiful girl.” I’m not sure if he’s doing this to mellow me out or to make a statement to Tara, but it’s nice to hear either way.

  I look into his eyes and give him a chaste kiss on the cheek, not able to bring myself to kiss his lips yet. It’s just too uncomfortable after watching that clip.

  “And the winner is…Tara Morgan!”

  Well, this is going to be lovely.

  Tara takes the stage in a swirl of megalomania and flicks her tongue over the microphone as the crowd cheers.

  “Fuck yeah!” She holds the award up triumphantly. “First off, I’d like to thank everyone at Sin Cinema. You guys are fucking awesome! I want to thank every guy whose dick I’ve sucked in this business. A lot of you are in this room right now, and I think we can all agree that I’m the best.”

  Loud applause. I’m sure your family is proud that their little girl grew up to be this year’s best cocksucker.

  “Most of all,” she says in that annoying baby voice all these girls seem to think is sexy, “I’d like to thank James motherfucking Langdon for having the best cock in the business!”

  James chuckles nervously, and I feign laughter.

  “I know you’re leaving us, but you can still have my mouth anytime you want, baby!” She blows him a kiss before taking a sly glance at me.

  Fucking bitch!

  She walks backstage, and James turns to me to give me an apologetic smile.

  “Sorry about that. You okay?” he asks.

  “Peachy.” I roll my eyes.

  He chuckles and plants a soft kiss on my furrowed brow. “Don’t worry about Tara. She was just trying to get attention. Other girls won’t say shit like that.”

  “I know. She’s just…irritating.”

  “She just wishes she was you, that’s all. Because she knows you’re beautiful and smart, and you don’t have to seek validation for your whole life by sucking somebody’s dick.”

  Your dick, James! She got the award for sucking your dick!

  “Yeah, I’m sure I’ll get over it,” I reply.

  “Good, because she doesn’t fuckin’ matter, so don’t let her matter,” he says and touches his forehead to mine. “And, for the record, Lo, you are seriously unbelievably hot and I’m guessing a lot of these girls are hella jealous.”

  I have to smile at his ego-boosting compliment. He kisses the tip of my nose and turns back to the stage.

  He’s trying. He wants me to feel comfortable, and he wants to reassure me that this is all in the past for him and that I’m his future. I believe him…pretty much.

  There are a slew of gay categories next, and I pat Chad’s back and give him a wink when they announce the Best Gay Duo Scene nominees. I feel like a hypocrite because watching his clip doesn’t bother me anywhere near as much. I have no problem with watching my friend have sex as part of his job, but I freak out when it’s my boyfriend—well, fiancé now. It’s not really fair, and I know it’s my own weird hang-up and it’s not James’s fault.

  “And the winner is…The Pledge! Chad Rockwell and Kevin Wilde!” the presenters exclaim.

  Chad gasps and Alejandro kisses him.

  “Oh, my God!” He beams as he stands up from the table.

  He makes his way up to the stage at the same time as his dashingly handsome co-star, and they both hug gleefully before taking their trophies. Chad looks breathless as he stares at it with a million megawatt smile.

  “Holy shit!” he says on an exhale, stepping to the podium first. “Wow, okay, first off, I’d like to thank Sin Cinema and Red Knight Productions for such a great collab. Obviously, Kevin, I’d like to thank you for such a hot scene. I want to say I love you to my boyfriend, the amazing, fantastic, sexy Alejandro Carrera!”

  I applaud loudly at that.

  Kevin takes the microphone and jokes, “Chad, I think I should thank your trainer for giving you that body!”

  The room laughs. and Chad lifts his shirt to give us all a peek at his stomach. Yeah, Chad’s trainer definitely deserves a shout-out for that six-pack.

  “Thanks to everybody on set, to Red Knight and Sin Cinema, and to everybody here tonight! You’re all beautiful!” Kevin concludes.

  Everyone applauds, and Chad disappears with Kevin backstage.

  I turn to give Alejandro a glance, seeing if he’s as uncomfortable as I would be (and possibly will be if James wins Man of the Year), but he looks cool as a cucumber, as usual.

  When Chad returns, Alejandro congratulates him and gives him a big, proud kiss. I wish I could be proud of James like that. I can’t decide if my reaction is normal, or if I’m being a stuck-up prude. It’s hard to get a gauge on what “normal” is in this place.

  “Congratulations, babe!” I say, kissing Chad’s cheek when he hugs me.

  “Thanks, sugar!” he says, smiling.

  “I loved your little peek-a-boo up there. You could wash clothes on that stomach,” I tease.

  He throws his arm around me and kisses my cheek, giving me that playful growl I’ve grown so fond of.

  I take a deep breath and try to mentally prepare for more, but I feel so awkward. Everyone around me is happy and excited, but I have that nervous burn in my stomach like my teacher called on me and I didn’t know the answer. I’m trying to reprogram my mind and make myself calm down, but each award they hand out makes me feel progressively more alienated. Wh
y can’t I just be like everyone else here and not get so freaked out?

  Ethan is the co-star in one of the nominated scenes for Best New Girl, and again, I can’t help but look over at him when his clip rolls. What can I say? The man is good at what he does. In fact, his style reminds me a lot of James, the same finesse and fluidity, but Ethan’s clips are slightly less spectacular because he doesn’t have the powerful size of James—and I’m taking about stature, not about what’s going on downstairs. A massive, Khal-Drogo-sized dude moving with such grace is more impressive than just a regular, handsome, buff guy doing it.

  Ethan waits until James looks down at his plate before he gives me a little wink and tilts his glass to me.

  I blush, not wanting to alert James to the flirtatious exchange I’m currently having with his nemesis. Sure, Ethan might want to get in my pants, but he’s harmless. He knows I’m not that kind of girl, and he’s just being playful, so there’s no malicious intent. In other words, he’s not like that horrible Tara Morgan.

  We get to the Best Female-Friendly award, and I down another glass of champagne. Take a deep breath, girl. He’s retired now, so if you make it through tonight, you’ll never have to do this again.

  They shuffle through clips of various people I met last night boning other people I met last night, and thankfully, the clip with James isn’t last this time, left to linger like a fart in an elevator.

  James’s scene is with Amber, who smiles proudly at him when they show the clip. It’s from Collared, their enormously successful video. Everyone at the table acknowledges what a rarity it is for a bondage video to also score the more romantic nom, so I just nod in agreement like I have some kind of insight into this strange business. The porn world never really bothered me before, but now I feel like I’m right in the middle of it, and it’s glaringly obvious that I don’t fit in.

  Of course, when they announce the winner, it’s James and Amber. Fan-fucking-tastic.

  Amber goes up to accept the award and also makes a statement about the female-friendly bondage thing. She says that it was the best time she’s ever had on set and that she’s not surprised that Collared is up for so many awards tonight because everybody put their hearts and souls into it. Among other things, I snarkily think to myself.