Her lips parted, trying to muster the courage to tell him how she really felt.
“Okay. Sure,” he answered with hollow eyes, taking a step back. “Goodbye, Alexa.” He turned from her, hiding his blood-stained shirt from her sight. When Jake stole one last glimpse of her over his shoulder as he walked away, Alexa’s heart broke for the second time that night.
Chapter Thirty
Jake walked across the grass, which was partly covered by slowly melting snow. The sun hung brightly in the sky as he made his way through the Arlington National Cemetery. Row after row of white headstones spread as far as the eye could see. A few trees were scattered in the midst of the nation’s hallowed ground.
He hadn’t been there in years. He hated himself for not coming more often.
Jake found his way to the first tomb he’d come to visit and crouched to one knee. He pulled a bouquet of flowers from the crook of his elbow and set it on top of the white arch.
When his memories had come back, with them had come a deep, throbbing loss.
It was like all his buddies had died all over again.
They had been sons, husbands, brothers. They’d served their country and died protecting it. They’d made the ultimate sacrifice.
Jake took a deep breath and closed his eyes. The bitter air brushed across his skin as emotions funneled through him.
It had been a week and a half since he’d left London.
Ben hadn’t told the military that Jake had killed Bekas while his hands had been tied—but Jake had known Ben wouldn’t rat on him.
So, Jake told on himself. He admitted that he killed Bekas out of anger, but he didn’t mention Alexa’s name. He would have rather gone to prison before allowing anything happen to her.
As much as he wanted to feel guilty for murdering Bekas—he didn’t. He wouldn’t hesitate to do the same thing again. He would kill for Alexa. Maybe that should have worried him, but it didn’t.
But when his agency decided to act like they didn’t hear Jake’s admission of guilt—because Jake and his team had managed to thwart the terrorist attack . . . well, Jake couldn’t help but take matters into his own hands.
He resigned. Besides, how could he be an undercover agent when the world had watched him stand up to terrorists on a live feed.
He’d even given interviews for three morning cable talk shows and had been a guest on all of the major news stations in the U.S. It hadn’t been his idea, but after being hounded nonstop, he’d given in.
But he didn’t want to stop helping people—that he knew. But he also wanted to plant roots and start a family. But with Alexa? He didn’t know if he’d ever hear from her again. And he wasn’t sure what to do about it. Would he chase after her once again?
Jake slowly rose to his feet and looked back out at the sea of tombstones.
More memories of men and women who’d donned the uniform flooded to his mind.
From the agents he’d lost in the FBI to the soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan. Men and women who’d given their lives, who had made it possible for there to be a today and a tomorrow.
“Thank you,” he said while bowing his head forward and shutting his eyes.
Chapter Thirty-One
Alexa’s fists pumped at her sides as her feet pounded the pavement along the Thames. A roll of what looked like smoke steamed off the river, wafting over the sidewalk as she ran.
The muscles in her quads grew tight and pain radiated in her calves as she sprinted harder and faster than she had ever thought possible.
And then she jerked to an immediate stop, unable to push herself anymore. She leaned forward as her chest expanded, her ribs aching. She pressed her palms to her knees, catching her breath.
But as she sucked in the cool air, her eyes filled with tears. Alexa moved off to the edge of the path and raised a hand to cover her face, hiding the tears as emotion breached, pouring out of her with gut-wrenching intensity.
Her world had forever changed when the @Anarchy case closed.
She missed Jake, but she couldn’t bring herself to call him. Let alone go to Dallas and find him as she’d promised. She’d seen him on TV, though. He had looked so uncomfortable being interviewed. Still, she’d recorded the program and kept replaying it over and over.
Alexa swiped the tears from her wind-burned cheeks and sniffled as she tried to get ahold of herself. She brushed away her emotion, like she always did, and started back for her flat.
She climbed the two flights to get to her landing and unzipped her jacket pocket for her key. But when she opened the door, she stumbled back a step, surprise deepening the red in her already bright cheeks. “What are you doing here?” She closed the door behind her, tossed the key on the table in the foyer, and folded her arms.
“You’re moving? I hope it’s to Texas.”
Alexa looked around her flat. Half-packed boxes cluttered the living area. Somehow or other, she had to find a new place to live. Now that the social media video Bekas had uploaded had over one-hundred million hits, everyone recognized her. Of course, moving wouldn’t exactly solve that problem, but she felt like she needed a new home if she were going to start a new life.
So much for her life as a spy, though.
And she couldn’t go back to work even if she wanted to, could she? She’d almost killed a man who had his hands tied, simply for revenge.
Guilt stabbed at her as she thought again about what Jake had done. She kept remembering the moment when Jake reached for the gun and shot Bekas without thinking twice. She’d heard Jake had quit the agency, and it seemed as though the Americans had covered up the kill.
“Alexa?” Xander rolled forward, gripping tight to the rims of his wheelchair.
She stared at her wounded—but, thank God, very alive friend, and cupped a hand to her mouth as emotions began to strangle her, yet again, today.
The soldiers in the helicopter had managed to keep Xander alive long enough to get him to the hospital. She thought they’d lost him, for sure. She’d gone to the hospital to say goodbye only to find out he’d made it through surgery and had a chance to survive. With physical therapy, the doctors thought he’d recover to live a normal life. He’d never be a hundred percent or be able to be an agent again, but he was alive. And the doctor said if it weren’t for Jake—he wouldn’t have ever had a chance.
Xander was okay . . . and the crisis had been averted, so why did she still feel so gutted?
Was it being apart from Jake? Something in her resisted going to him. Was it guilt at what she’d caused him to do? He had been a man who didn’t want to kill a spider, but he’d killed for her in the blink of an eye. Surely he’d had to kill people before, but not unarmed, helpless, tied down people . . .
She knew what he had done for her, and she wasn’t sure if she could forgive herself.
“You should be in bed,” she said, coming in front of Xander and reaching for his hand.
“Maybe if I had a hotter nurse taking care of me! But, damn! The woman is old and annoying as hell.”
Xander almost had her smiling. Even a near death experience didn’t change his attitude. God bless him.
“I was hoping to find your place empty and you gone.” He raised a brow and squeezed his hand tighter around hers.
There it was again—raw pain—a little jagged around the edges. Eviscerating.
“Go to him, Alexa.” Xander’s voice moved through her as her eyes closed. She lowered herself to the floor beside his wheelchair.
“I can’t.”
“Do you love him?”
She released a breath and opened her eyes to peer up at her friend. His dark, steely eyes caged her. There was a depth there now she hadn’t noticed before. “I—” Do I?
“It’s a simple yes or no, Alexa.”
She gulped.
“Don’t waste your time feeling guilty. Don’t waste another Goddamn minute doing anything other than what makes you happy.”
She cleared her throat and pushed back up
to her feet. “Is that what you’re going to do?”
“Of course.”
“And what makes you happy?”
“Saving the world,” he said, shooting her a playful wink to lighten the mood.
“No love life? Not going to settle down?”
He pressed a hand to his chest, and she saw there again the hole, the blood spilling through . . . “My heart is working beautifully, and I have so much love to give. No one person could handle my overflowing ardor.”
“Jesus, Xander.” She huffed. “You drive me bloody nuts.” But she was feeling better. For now, at least.
“Good. Then all is right in the world.” He pressed his hands to the outside of his chair and rolled toward the door.
“Where are you going?”
He glanced over his shoulder and smiled. “To find a better nurse.”
She pressed a hand to her stomach, supporting the first bubble of laughter she’d felt in weeks.
“And, Alexa?”
“Yeah?”
“The next time I lug my arse back here, this place had better be empty.”
She opened the door for him and said goodbye, then locked up and pressed her back to it, dragging her hands down her face.
Sore and slightly chilled from her run, she decided to have a bath.
Moments later, she was slipping below the bubbles, raising a cup of tea to her lips. She took a sip, savoring its flavor to the sultry sounds of Jazz, and then draped her arm over the side of the tub, the mug still in her hand.
Xander’s words kept pushing to the forefront of her mind.
Jake . . .
What if he doesn’t ever want to see me again? She’d let him slip free from her life a year ago, and now . . . what if he changed his mind and didn’t want her back? What if there was too much damage between them?
Xander had almost died, and other people did die because of @Anarchy. And Alexa was adrift in the world with no job and, in two weeks, no home.
God, what she wouldn’t give for a beach and a tropical cocktail. Instead of putting her nose in a book, she’d lounge at the side of the man she loved.
Stop being a coward. Buy the ticket to Dallas.
The water splashed over the edge of the tub as she shifted up, realizing she needed to get to a computer. Not tomorrow or the next day. She needed to book the damn ticket now. If Jake had changed his mind about her, well, she needed to be strong enough to face him and find out.
Alexa set the cup on the bathroom counter while she toweled off, and put on her red silk robe. She pulled her mostly dry hair free from its bun and shook her head until it cascaded down over her shoulders.
Her fingers went to her collarbone as she remembered her time with Jake in London when they had first met. What she wouldn’t give to have his hands on her again.
She exhaled, blowing out her fear, and started for the sofa where her laptop was sitting.
Her shoulders flinched at the sound of the rap on the door.
Was that Xander again? Surely he hadn’t expected her to move out in less than an hour.
Maybe Matt?
“Coming,” she called, and then her heartbeat ticked up as she realized it could be an enemy at the door. Someone who’d discovered her location after Bekas had shared her picture with the world. She approached with cautious steps and pressed her palms against the wood. She wondered how fast she could get to her safe, which had a gun inside it.
Her heart thundered in her chest at the sight of the man standing on the other side of the peephole.
He was wearing a cream-colored sweater with jeans and beat-up, dark brown cowboy boots. The man had never looked sexier.
She unlocked the door and rested her hand on top of the handle. Her lip quivered as her body thrummed to life with an energy she had almost forgotten as she finally opened the door.
“Alexa,” Jake murmured as if her name was meant only for his lips.
“You came for me,” she whispered, and took a small step back, still holding onto the knob. He scratched at his throat before sliding his fingers through his hair. It was dirty blonde again. His natural color.
“I’ll always come for you, Alexa.”
She wilted at his words like a flower almost losing its petals, only to realize it was actually just now blooming. Her knees became wobbly, and she nearly collapsed, but he lunged forward and pulled her into his arms. He hitched her up, and her legs wrapped around his hips, gripping him tightly as his lips met hers. His tongue dove deep into her mouth, lighting her on fire with its sweetness.
God, she had craved his touch. To press against him and have him inside of her . . . where he belonged.
“I missed you so much,” she cried against his lips and opened her eyes. “I was about to book my ticket to come to Dallas.” He gently lowered her to the floor. “I was going to come sooner, but I—I was afraid you wouldn’t want to see me after what happened.”
When she saw the change in his eyes, the pure love glistening there—she knew she’d been an utter fool.
“Alexa,” he swallowed, banding a hand around her hipbone, bringing her back against him, “you don’t know me nearly well enough if that’s what you thought.”
She started to open her mouth to protest, but his finger slipped up to her chin, and he angled her face to capture her eyes.
“But we have the rest of our lives to fix that,” he said. Then his mouth moved over hers, stealing her breath, her heart, her soul.
Chapter Thirty-Two
“You got me tea?” A slow smile spread across Alexa’s face as she looked down at the mug. Jake pulled back the covers, and slipped next to her in the bed, setting his cup of coffee down on the nightstand next to him.
They’d arrived in Dallas two days after Jake had surprised Alexa in London. It had been her idea to go to the States, and he happily obliged.
“Well, maybe I was a little confident I’d have you over some day.” He trailed his fingers along her jaw, and her body spurred with the simple touch.
His hand fell on his lap and his eyes smoldered with more than desire. She still hadn’t told him how she truly felt, but neither had he. But she knew.
“I can’t believe we’re sitting here like two people without a care in the world. So much has changed.” But that was sort of a lie, right? They still hadn’t broached the subject of the death of Bekas since the base in Italy. “Jake, there’s something I need to ask.” Her throat constricted and she forced out a deep breath.
“Yeah. Anything.”
She placed her cup by the bed and faced him. “Do, you, um—” She looked down at her hands. “Do you hate me for what I made you do? Killing Bekas.”
“First,” Jake began while reaching for her hand, “I could never hate you. And second, I’m a big boy. I made the decision myself. You didn’t make me do anything.”
“Yeah, but you never would have—” Jake was shaking his head, his eyes narrowing on her, so she cut herself off.
“The guy was a psychopathic killer, Alexa. I didn’t exactly kill someone innocent. I can handle what I did—I promise.”
“But are you sure?” She forced herself to focus on his eyes, to read him—to make sure he truly was okay. “I mean, I thought he killed Xander, and so I reacted so quick.”
“It sounds like you’re the one that needs to forgive yourself and move on, Alexa.”
He was right. She’d been beating herself up for weeks.
She finally nodded at him when she realized Jake had the kind of strength inside him that meant he could, in fact, navigate through his feelings about what happened and find the resolve to have acceptance.
And his strength was something she needed. Something she admired and loved.
“How’s Xander and the others?”
She knew he was trying to distract her, and she decided to let him, because in all honestly, she really wanted a moment to be happy.
“Xander’s still recovering, but he’s doing well. Most of my former team members
have accepted desk jobs with the government since they’ve lost clearance for undercover operations. But a few can’t handle not being in the action.” Like Matt.
And part of her knew that she should be upset that she was no longer an agent. It had been her life for the last eight years. Who was she without the agency?
But there was another piece of her that was relieved. She loved serving her country, and she knew she wanted to continue to help people in some way, but she also knew that being an agent had held her back in so many ways. Now, she was free to live her life out in the open.
“Well, about that.” Jake scratched the back of his neck and closed an eye for a moment.
“Oh, God.”
He flashed her his dazzling grin, and she lifted her fingers, pushing them through his hair.
His fingers lifted to cover her hand, and he raised it to his mouth and kissed her palm. “How about working together?”
“What do you mean?”
He rested their hands in his lap. “Well, remember how I told you back in London that my friend Connor and his brother sold their family business to start their own company, and—”
“I hardly call a rescue-slash-counterterrorist group a company, but, uh, yeah, I remember.”
“Well, they have a lot of money to spend on the project, and they’re thinking about opening a few locations. I mentioned maybe having one in the U.K.” Jake swallowed. “I was thinking that maybe you and I could join. And if Xander wants in when he’s better—”
“I love you.” It wasn’t how she had planned to say those words for the first time, but she couldn’t hold them back. Her heart was thundering in her chest, and Jake’s eyes glittered with the love he felt right back. He heaved out a breath—was that relief? Had he not known how she felt?
He tightened his grip on her hand. “It’s about damn time,” he said before his lips split into a grin. She relaxed at the sight of his smile. “I love you, too.” He brushed his lips across hers, and she wanted to fall into his arms and stay there forever.
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