“Yes,” Sangwoo replies. He reaches down and nonchalantly intertwines his fingers into mine.
I jump slightly. Sangwoo rewards me with a look that lets me know he wants to hold my hand. I do not understand his motives, but I don’t have the heart to take my hand back. I hurt for him. This poor soul thinks I am someone else. I just want to hear him out today, and he is getting the wrong message. Be a bitch and tell him to get lost. My intuition yawns. I do my best to ignore her. She is impulsive.
I expect us to get onto the trail and walk, but Sangwoo leads me off the trail and down the hills towards the quad area of the park. As we get closer, I hear the spontaneous commotion. When we finally descend the grassy knolls, large white tents hanging like canopies above various picnic tables come into view. Crowds of people scatter in and around the tents. It is a barbecue party; loud chatter, laughter, and commotion surround a large, modern grill. Dance music is playing above the tents. I was not expecting this big of a production.
When we get closer to the crowd, Sangwoo’s simple presence stops everyone in their tracks. Even those who are busy eating and chattering pause. “Boss.”
It is easy to see the impact of Sangwoo’s presence on his members. His relaxed demeanor eases them, however. It all happens very fast. Sangwoo secures the hold he has on my hand. Oh no. He’s introducing you to everyone and their moms, my intuition groans. Sangwoo pulls me deeper into the crowd.
“Let me introduce you to some of my most trusted men. David, Shawn, Kevin, Phillip, James, and you already know Ren over there.” Sangwoo points out a particular group of men standing to the far left. They are faces–one facial expression blending into the next. Some of the men look vaguely familiar; some of them I recognize from The Trax–the very first Saturday I met Choi Sangwoo. All of them, except for Ren, stare intently at me during Sangwoo’s introduction. I can feel the spotlight on me.
“Oh my god.”
“She looks–”
“Is this possible?”
Whispers break out in different directions. Even his gang members notice the resemblance between Dead Girl and me. Why won’t he just give up? The thought saddens me.
“Hey! Hey! This is May,” Sangwoo introduces me to silence the whispers.
“Hi,” I say meekly. I have no heart to end Sangwoo’s youthful excitement. I entertain him with a question. “Why do they all have American names?” I whisper to Sangwoo.
He laughs. “Nicknames make it easier on the international platform.”
“What’s your English name then?” I ask.
“Crist–pronounced as Christ,” Sangwoo replies.
“Of course,” I respond, letting out an awkward laugh.
The Crist members find this humorous as well. Slowly, the tension fades away. For a top gang in South Korea, they are less intimidating. Maybe Mayhem’s gang is the one I should watch out for. Why are you thinking about him? My intuition is pouting at me under her big speckled glasses. Can you imagine having a picnic with Danny? Can you imagine hanging out with Mayhem?
“Let’s get some food.” Sangwoo brings me back to reality. He steers me over to a table. We barely sit down when plates of food are in front of us.
Ren and his girlfriend are sitting across from the table. Instead of his usual reserved personality, Ren smiles when his girlfriend whispers in his ear. The two of them create quite an arresting sight. They remind me of a love story far too uncommon for someone like me to understand. But I barely have time to marvel at them before I am distracted by other events.
“Have some food.” Sangwoo notices my hesitation.
“Thanks.” I pick up my fork.
Sangwoo leans into me. “Piggy is one of my best chefs. What do you think?”
“Piggy?” I ask, turning around to see the grill. Through the crowd of people I see Piggy. He is the short, meaty man wearing a white apron complete with a chef’s hat. He makes eye contact and bows. I force a tentative smile on my lips.
Sangwoo places an arm around my shoulder again. “Have some more to eat.”
“Sure.” I am slightly uncomfortable at the attention he’s showering me with. We are acting, does he know?
Soon enough, other Crist members swarm our table. Ren is in full swing, dishing jokes about everything imaginable. I didn’t expect him to have such a great sense of humor, but his well-versed renditions cause laughter to erupt around the table. I see Ren in a new light, but I know it is short-lived. When it is Sangwoo’s turn, the tone of the conversation shifts to a more serious note. Sangwoo elaborates on some of his men’s backgrounds. Sangwoo discloses some of the reasons why his men joined him. As Sangwoo tells me the stories, I realize the depth of his heart for them. They are more than just members to him, they are his family and blood. Sangwoo isn’t their intimidating leader; he is their friend, brother, and even mentor. Sangwoo knows each of his men personally. I watch him share inside jokes and stories. In many ways, Sangwoo’s men are not the stereotypical gang enforcing street terrorism and black market trafficking. They are people who chose an unconventional lifestyle.
This is the first time I see Sangwoo relaxed and in the moment. I do my best to remain unbiased until the very end of the event. When the day starts to fade away, a swarm of mosquitoes gathers around the tents. Some Crist members depart, seeking shelter near the hills and down by the vast lake. Sangwoo and Ren, including some other members, take a hike up the hills. Soon enough, Ren’s girlfriend and I are the only ones sitting at the table.
Grace smiles at me–a heartwarming smile that I don’t expect from her. Because of the large group dynamic, I haven’t had a chance to talk to her. Now that we are alone, Grace doesn’t hold back.
“So how long have you and Sangwoo been going out?” Grace asks. She is finishing her plate of vegetables–a healthy mix of celery and spinach.
“Oh. We’re not going out.” Immediately, I am defensive.
Grace gives me a knowing smile. She is very pretty with a round face and short jet-black hair. In that very moment, I realize why Ren’s relaxed and mellow today. Grace is his rock.
“I think you and Sangwoo make a good couple.” Her large brown eyes glimmer with romanticism.
I can only bite my tongue. She’s lying, my intuition critiques.
Grace picks up her drink and I notice the pink sapphire ring. “Congratulations,” I tell her. I am breathless by the sight of the ring. The wealth of these gang members will never cease to amaze me.
Grace pulls back her hand to admire the ring. “Ren proposed to me a month ago during our seventh anniversary.”
“Wow.” I marvel at Grace’s revelation. Seven years together.
Grace inclines her head. “I thought he was never going to propose. When he finally did, it was some sort of relief.” Grace pauses as she studies my confused facial expression. “Relief that we are on the same path after all this time.”
“What do you mean?” It is astounding to me that someone like her can have such doubts. Grace seems so sure of herself now. Looks can truly be deceiving.
“I always joke that I am Ren’s mistress.” There is humor dancing in Grace’s eyes. “Ren is married to Crist. This . . . business will always be his first priority. His devotion and loyalty to Sangwoo is something that drove me crazy with jealousy in the beginning. Over time, as I got to know Sangwoo, the feelings of jealousy subsided. Now, I think I am just as bad as Ren,” Grace explains.
Grace’s disclosure shakes me up. It’s a glimpse into what Sangwoo means to them. Taking my silence as a cue to continue, Grace glances at me with an appraisal. “Sangwoo is a very lonely and private man. It’s quite a surprise to us that he brought you here today. I’m sure you noticed the stares and whispers. It’s only because we are so used to seeing him alone. Today, he is smiling and recounting memories. It is a rare sight for all of us.”
I swallow hard. I don’t want to be responsible for Choi Sangwoo’s temporary happiness. He is under the impression that I will be joining his family soon. Even the Crist membe
rs are contemplating my role in their Boss’s life now. I am deeply disturbed by what this all means.
“Would you like a drink?” Grace gestures towards the bottle of alcohol across the table. She reaches for the darkest bottle and proceeds to pour herself a glass.
I decline politely. “No thank you. I don’t really drink.” Actually, I prefer to stay sober. Everyone’s an alcoholic here, my intuition mumbles.
“Oh–” Grace starts to say, but loud laughter interrupts us. “They’re at it again.” Grace rises from her seat and motions for me to follow.
“What’s going on?” I follow her suit. I slap discretely at my arm. The mosquitoes are starting to get more aggressive under the summer heat.
“If we hurry, we can get in on the bet!” Grace grins at me. She races towards the hill. I follow her. Who am I kidding? I’m not made for their world in the vaguest sense. I am too uncoordinated and unfit by any standards.
By the time Grace and I ascend the slope I am the only one breathing hard. She saunters over to the crowd that has gathered in the middle of the hill.
In the intermediate grassy area, there is a large blue mat where the rest of the gang has assembled to watch the two individuals. Both shirtless and dripping with sweat, the men are exchanging various punches with their boxing gloves.
Grace giggles at the sight. “Go honey!”
Ren and Sangwoo stop exchanging warm-up punches long enough to look at us. Ren blows a kiss at Grace as Sangwoo winks at me.
I want to react, but I only freeze. A gust of wind blows, whipping my hair into my face, but I still can’t take my eyes off Sangwoo’s body. Still a girl after all, my intuition grumbles. She eyes the ripples of Sangwoo’s body warily. His abs compact together in a toned physique. Sangwoo turns around to reveal the all-around tan he has. God, the Devil in an Angel’s disguise.
“They do this all the time, sparing to show who’s Boss.” Grace giggles as though it is an inside joke. Other Crist members are smirking at the sight. No one has dared to bet against Sangwoo yet.
I can barely make a comment because I am busy watching Sangwoo duck just as Ren makes a swipe at his head. Sangwoo retracts on the mat, but comes charging at Ren with a combination of left-right-one-two-left-right punches. Ren is knocked down at the last punch; he quickly scrambles to his feet. Sangwoo dives for Ren’s stomach.
“Oh! Get him!” Some Crist members cheer, clapping and whistling loudly.
“Not fair! Ya’ll root for me!” Ren shouts as he ducks again. Everyone laughs when Ren stops, drops, and rolls just to get away from Sangwoo.
Sangwoo stops going after Ren because he’s laughing too hard too. He breathes heavily as beads of sweat rain down his forehead.
My cell phone rings at the same moment. Distracted, I reach inside my tote bag. I stare at it with hesitation when I see Eunhye’s number flashing on the caller ID. Why is she calling me? An uneasy feeling comes over me. She wants to talk about the end of the month and my father. I choose to ignore the call.
“Right, May?” I look up to see Sangwoo approaching me. He flashes me a smile as he wraps an arm around my shoulder. Surprised, I look at him only to have Sangwoo’s eyes draw me in deeper. I feel like I am falling and losing control. I have to keep it together until tonight is over.
The last leg of the event involves social conversation and activities. Sangwoo keeps his arm around my shoulder the rest of the time we stand talking to Crist members. We laugh at Ren’s story of how he proposed to Grace; we playfully argue over the details of some popular movie; we laugh some more when a handful of Crist members plays a popular game that involves throwing a small golf-like ball into cups. Well, I mostly watch with good humor, doing my best to mask what I am really feeling inside. My laugh is fake and my mood is a façade. I cannot wait to leave here.
It takes a good fifteen minutes to get out of Bae park once the skies grow dark. Crist members take their time saying goodbye, making more plans and promises. Ren lingers to speak with Sangwoo, throwing careful glances at me while Grace keeps me company.
“It was really nice meeting you.” For a second, I think she is going to hug me but she holds her distance. I suppose gangsters don’t give away hugs so easily.
Once the last car pulls out of the parking lot, Sangwoo takes me home in a dark Honda Prelude. The Mercedes E-Class we arrived in is long gone.
“Did you have fun?” Sangwoo slows down at a red light. He glances at me with an expectant expression.
“It was great.” I stare out of the dark window. Under this window tint, the sky is a murky black color with ominous darts for stars. Little does Sangwoo know I am deeply sadden by the amount of emotions I am feeling. It is hard for me to come to terms with all these unwarranted sentiments.
Sangwoo smiles with confidence. The light turns green. “I knew you would.”
I am quiet by his assumption. There is something like fire boiling deep inside of me. I know what he is doing, but I am powerless at his suggestion. The car comes to a complete stop in front of my apartment complex. Sangwoo cuts the engine off. Darkness and silence usher themselves into the cool car.
“I’m going to be honest with you May. Things are not turning out the way I am anticipating.” In the darkness, his facial expression is tentative. Sangwoo’s statement reminds me of self-containment. “I don’t want to force you into doing something that you don’t want to. I still need an answer from you although I already know your answer.”
Realization dawns on me that Sangwoo is talking about the initiation contract again. I am a bundle of nerves, but I refuse to let him bully me into something I know I don’t want part of.
“Sangwoo,” I begin to say.
“My feelings for you are very strong May,” Sangwoo cuts me off. There is tentative aggravation in his tone. “The last time we talked about the initiation contract, you mentioned you wanted to pay your way out of it. That was not the point. How can I convince you otherwise? This has been the source of my contention with you these past weeks.”
“Sangwoo, I would be useless for you.” It is my turn to cut him off. The gang leader is having a hard time understanding what I want to convey. “The people who surround you today possess a certain talent that I can never compare to. What is it about me that is valuable to you?”
I am pushing at him to admit to Dead Girl–to Misun. I know I am pushing for an assortment of problems to open up, but if he wants to go to war I have to defend myself.
Sangwoo sighs. “I really do wish that you’d consider my offer May.”
I am slightly hurt and confused by this man. How can Sangwoo do this to me? This isn’t fair at all. “I’m sorry Sangwoo. I’m not going to sign your contract. In fact, I think we should stop seeing each other.”
There is stillness in the air that is indescribable. I cannot explain the emotion that tears through the car. I can feel my heart ramming into my chest. I finally said it. Yes! Tell him girl! my intuition shouts.
“You want to stop seeing me,” Sangwoo repeats. His voice is bitter. Like a statue, he is cold and unforgiving. He appears as though he wants to say something else, but Sangwoo cuts himself short. He surprises me as he responds concisely, “You’re right. I’m not good for you. Everything about my world is dangerous.”
I bite down on my bottom lip, feeling lost now that he’s agreeing. How can he say such things to me? This man can turn so cold in a manner of seconds. A sense of emptiness strikes down on me. I feel a deep void protruding in my chest. After all the time we’ve spent together, Choi Sangwoo is letting me go so easily. I realize then that I am expendable in his world. This is it. This is really the end. And I am responsible for it in all of its entirety.
“I’m sorry Sangwoo.” I am well aware that it doesn’t mean anything to him at this point.
“There’s no need to be sorry if you’ve already made up your mind.” He doesn’t look at me. “If you don’t want to see me anymore, then this is the end. I don’t want to beg you if you are adamant
about your decision.”
“I just can’t be who you want me to be.”
“That’s fine.”
My throat feels tight. I don’t know what I want from him. You want him to admit to Misun, my intuition mumbles with sorrow. He’s not going to give you that satisfaction. If you are not going to give him what he wants, he’s just going to walk away. Gang leaders have no heart and no mercy. It’s your fault for expecting anything more.
“I guess this is goodbye then, May.” Sangwoo eyes are deep and penetrating, relentless and unforgiving. I expect him to shoo me out of his car, but he waits patiently.
He’s not going to chase me and I will not turn. This is it. After weeks of speculation of what could possibly be, this is the end. I am dumbfounded that is all my undoing. Why does this feel like a breakup? I wait for Sangwoo to say more, but the gang leader remains silent. He is brooding with intensity that wavers between tension and anger.
“Goodbye Sangwoo.” I remove the seat belt. I avoid eye contact with him, committed to making a hasty retreat.
Sangwoo remains as still as a statue. He waits until I am out of the car before he guns it. The Honda Prelude squeals down the street, whipping its tail around the bend. The race car leaves a cloud of smoke in its wake.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
I am torn and lost. I cannot articulate the emotions trampling on my constricted heart. I want to cry and desperately cling to something that is tangible. My knees feel like noodles as I walk to the apartment. However, with every step, I am unraveling. As I flee, foreboding and ominous feelings course through my system.
Don’t cry May. Hold it together. You are stronger than this! It cannot be this easy and simple to leave a gang leader. This cannot be the conclusion to the past two months. Why am I feeling this way when I am the one who said goodbye first? I realize with absolved hope that I want more out of Choi Sangwoo. I want him to fight for these feelings. If he is so willing to let me walk out of his life, then there is nothing more we can do for each other. Sangwoo said so himself–he doesn’t want a relationship with me. Inexplicably, Sangwoo has always seen me as Misun. By turning down his initiation contract, I am rebelling against everything that Sangwoo wants me to be.
April Loves Black Coffee: First Impressions Page 38