But I’ve been getting bored of them.
I came over to the US sure for the girls. That was a huge part of it. But the more we’ve been driving around, the more I’ve wanted a real American adventure.
That’s why I drove us down South and that’s why I drove us out here to this deserted Texas campground.
“Catch you later,” says Sebastian, giving me a wink, and dragging his two girls back to one of the little rooms in the rear of the RV.
This thing is a state of the art RV. After all, royal money goes a long way, especially considering the exchange rate to US dollars. Not that I had to pay the exchange rate any mind.
“Why don’t I show you a good time,” says the pouty girl, sidling up next to me, rubbing her skin against mine.
“Yeah,” say the rest of the girls, coming over to the pouty girl’s annoyance.
I consider it for a moment, but damnit there’s only so many times you can have this kind of American frat boy fun before it starts to get old.
“I think I’m going for a walk,” I say.
“I’ll come with you,” says one girl.”
“Me, too.”
“Me, too.”
They’re surrounding me like little chirping birds.
“I’m going by myself,” I say, making sure my words sound final.
“Wow,” says the pouty girl, withdrawing. “I don’t even know why I came with you. You know I quit my job to travel with you?”
“That’s on you,” I say. I’m pretty sure my words sound icy cold, but I don’t give a shit right now. I know that even though I’m fluent, and picking up more idioms by the day, I have to make a big effort to make sure my words don’t come across as cold. That’s just the way it works when you’re not a native speaker, especially one from Liseria. And especially one from the royal Liserian family, where we’re not exactly taught to be friendly.
Right now I don’t care though.
I’m about to open the door, when the lights suddenly go off in the RV. The AC fan cuts off too. It’s now dark and deathly quiet.
“I guess we should have registered the campsite and plugged into the power source,” I say.
“What are we going to do?”
“Well, it’s going to get pretty fucking hot in here pretty quick.”
“What are we going to do?” say the chorus of half-dressed girls.
“I’m going for a walk,” I say. “Why don’t y’all figure it out?”
I open the door and walk out despite their whining protests. I’ve really had it with them. I don’t give a shit if they leave or stay in the soon-to-be-boiling RV.
“There you are sir,” says Eugene, jumping up from where he’s been sitting on a rock by the RV. He’s drenched from head to toe in sweat.
“I think the power ran out,” I say. “But you should have seen how I used the word ‘you’ll’. I think I really nailed it this time.”
“Very good, sir,” says Eugene. I’m half expecting him to do a little bow like he used to do back in the Liseria palace, but I’ve given him enough shit over our trip that he’s mostly stopped. You can still see the impulse in him though to practically genuflect before me like I’m some sort of god.
That’s why I’ve had enough of this royal shit. I’m just a guy like everyone else. Just a regular dude as the Americans would say. That doesn’t mean I didn’t take advantage of the opportunities for some serious partying that the royal money and title provides me. I mean who wouldn’t do the same?
“I’m going for a walk,” I say.
“What should we do about the RV’s power, sir?” says Eugene. He’s still speaking English, and he has a much stronger accent than I do. I forbade him from speaking any of our native French dialect to me while we’re in the States.
“Whatever, man,” I say.
“What about the guests?”
I turn my back to him and start walking away.
I know that inside he’s just about as conflicted as he can get. He’s supposed to be taking care of me. That’s his job. My safety, well-being, and happiness is his number one job priority. Basically his mission in life. Even to the point of getting drugs for me, and then analyzing them with his portable lab to check for their purity. Or getting girls for me so I can get laid and go to sleep. Whatever it takes. I just kind of hope he doesn’t put every detail in the reports he sends back to the palace.
At the same time though, he’s got to think of the “royal guests,” back in the RV possibly passing out or dying from heat stroke and creating an international press incident.
After all, it is fucking hot out here. I’m shirtless as I often am these days, but my pants are practically drenched through with sweat.
Poor fucking Eugene. He’s still wearing his semi formal clothing, which looks hot as hell.
“I’ll come with you, sir,” calls out Eugene, since I’m already way in front of him, headed into the woods towards the lake.
He’s kicking up dust on the road as he sprints after me.
2.
Rebecca
This is supposed to be the big trip where I figure everything out. Then again, they’re all supposed to be like that. I guess I just can’t help but run off into the woods.
The heat is sweltering. The sun is blinding. I don’t know if I can stand this much longer.
My heart is beating faster just at the thought of getting out of my tent. I never thought I had anxiety that bad. I mean, I work a regular job in an office. It’s boring, but there’s plenty to be anxious about if you’re that type of person. And I’ve always done OK despite all that.
But everyone here in Texas is so much different. They’re friendly, for one thing, which kind of throws me off. I’m from a regular suburb outside of Pittsburg, a place that looks just like anywhere else in America, or so I imagined.
This is my first time out west, and I’m just completely mind boggled at how crazily different everything looks. There are cactuses and lizards everywhere, for one thing.
It’s September, but it’s still fucking hot. How do they all put up with this heat? Maybe that’s why they all seem to eat so much barbecue—but that doesn’t make much sense either, since barbeque is piping hot.
I can’t figure these Texans out, that’s for sure.
But then again I never really could figure anyone out.
I guess I just always felt a little out of step, and that’s where some of this anxiety comes from.
But it’s too hot to lie here in my tent all day. I’ve got to make myself get dressed and get out, no matter what kind of chatty Texan I’m going to run into…and invariably not know what to say to him or her when they do start talking to me.
The tent is mesh but it’s not making much difference with the heat. There are bushes all around, and I’m kind of far out in the woods, by some rocks and Agave cactuses, so I slept completely naked.
I pull on a sports bra now and some gym shorts. I hope this is decent enough by Texas standards, whatever those are.
I emerge from my tent and survey the area carefully for any trash I might have missed from the night before. I’ve only been here two nights, but I want to make sure my campground is spotless. I’m kind of an environmentalist freak.
Normally I take a long weekend and head out somewhere into the Pennsylvania woods, or maybe up into New York. The farthest I’ve gotten before is some hiking trips into New Hampshire.
This is a new level for me. I’m supposed to spend a week out here, and then move on to another camp site in West Texas, which I’ve heard is a lot different.
I’ve spent months and months researching this trip. Each piece of my equipment took me hours (hours at work, surfing the net, checking reviews, comparing prices) to pick out.
Well, here I go.
This trip was supposed to be about conquering…well conquering my anxiety. But back in Pennsylvania it was only mild anxiety.
Out here the anxiety feels lik
e an untamed beast.
My heart’s thumping as I walk towards the lake.
I practically have the trail maps memorized, even though it’s only been a couple days.
There’s some weird yelling up ahead.
A super fancy top of the line RV is parked on the side of the road.
Not that I know anything about RVs. But even I can tell that it’s a really expensive one, although it does seem to be fairly dirty. Usually those RV folks like to keep their RVs in tiptop shape.
As I get closer, ambling along, worried of course that someone’s going to pop out of the RV and I’m going to have to talk to them, I realize that the RV’s not parked. It’s crashed.
It looks like someone tried to drive it off the road but didn’t do a good job of it.
The yelling is getting louder.
My greatest fear…
Someone bursts out of the RV.
Actually, a ton of people.
It’s one super sweaty guy wearing just his underwear, followed by a little gaggle of college-aged women, only half dressed.
“I can’t believe how fucking hot it is in there,” says the guy, taking a can of beer and dumping it over his head.
“Don’t you have any water?”
“Water’s for pussies,” he says, and flops down onto the road, laying motionless.
They all look a little worse for wear, like they’ve been cooked for an hour in a food dehydrator.
I should do something. After all, they could be in trouble.
I walk up to them, but they don’t even notice me.
“Excuse me,” I say, but none of them look up. The girls have flopped down onto the road too. I guess their AC broke, and they’re stuck out here, not sure what to do.
“Excuse me,” I say, trying to make my voice louder, but barely any sound comes out.
My heart is pounding.
I really just want to turn on my heel and run away from here, rather than talk to any of these people.
But I guess my good conscious is too strong.
“Can I help you?” Finally my voice gets loud enough.
“Hey there pretty lady,” says the guy on the ground slowly, apparently using the last of his energy to eye me up and down as if I’m some pinup in a girlie magazine.
“You having trouble with your RV?”
“You can say that again,” says one of the girls, surveying me with competitive eyes. Not that she has anything to worry about. This guy on the ground’s not my type at all.
“What happened?” I say.
“Who can tell these days?” says the guy on the ground. “Want to come party with us, though? We’ve got plenty of beers, not to mention a healthy sized sack of good old American weed.”
“Don’t you need to get someone to get your RV back onto the road? You know you to change that tire?”
“Nah, but the prince sure does. Or his sidekick, I mean. His royal sidekick.”
The girls giggle.
I really don’t know what any of this means. But the guy’s so drunk he’s slurring all his words. Maybe he’s just delirious from the beer.
Then again it could be the heat. And they shouldn’t be lying out like this.
“Why don’t I get the park ranger to help you guys out?”
“I’m tired of this anyway,” says one of the girls. “Maybe I’ll go with you. Are you going to the headquarters now?”
I realize she’s talking to me.
Come on. Think of something to say.
Why did I get myself into this mess? Now I have to save this RV full of drunk idiots?
“Yeah,” I say. “Come on.”
She fishes around inside the RV for a minute, reaching in, so that her bikini-covered ass is hanging out.
She emerges with a very small t-shirt, which she puts on, covering up her bare breasts.
“Now at least I’m presentable,” she says.
I don’t say anything, but I’m thinking quite the opposite. The t-shirt barely covers her any more than a bikini would, and it’s white and completely soaked through, completely transparent.
She’s tired and more than a little drunk, but she does all right keeping pace with me as we walk away from the RV.
“Well, here it is,” I say. We haven’t spoken a word to each other the whole twenty-minute walk along the scorching dusty road.
“Thank god it’s air-conditioned in here,” she says, flopping down on one of the benches in front of the park rangers who sit in neat uniforms at their desk, reviewing information on their computers, and chatting with one another.
Immediately, this drunk girl calls a lot of attention from all the men. They stop what they’re doing to get a good look at her. After all, her arms are above her head, making her breasts pop up and stick out from under the bottom of her t-shirt.
“You all right, honey?” says someone.
“They got stuck in their RV,” I say. “I found them on the side of the road. I think they might be sick from heat stroke.”
“That can be a real danger out here,” says one of the women. “Not to mention snakes.”
“Oh yes,” I say. “The copperheads, the rattlesnakes…” I go on, naming all the plant and animal dangers commonly found in Texas.
“Someone’s done their homework.”
I smile a little.
“They’re probably just too drunk,” says one of the rangers. “I’ll go check it out. You said it was out near the lake, right?”
“It’s south south-east from the lake, about a mile,” I say.
“You’ve camped here before or something?” he says, apparently taken aback from my directional ability.
“I just like maps,” I say. “First time in Texas.”
“Well welcome to Texas,” he says, tipping his hat.
I like the way everyone says that here. You’d never catch anyone in Pennsylvania saying, “welcome to Pennsylvania.” It would just sound too crazy.
“Come on, miss, let’s go get your friends,” he says, speaking to the girl stretched out on the bench.
“They’re not my friends. Just some jerk prince from Liberia or something. I’m not going back there. Can you just call me a cab or something?”
The ranger starts chuckling. “I don’t think cabs come out this far. You’re a ways out, you know?”
What’s all this about a prince? Is there really a prince with them? What kind of Liberian Prince travels in an RV way out here in Texas?
“Well, good luck,” I say to the girl, as I leave. She doesn’t respond, but gives a heavy sigh as I walk out the door. I’ve done what I could, but I’m not going to baby sit this drunk girl all day.
When I step outside, I’m boiling again, and I remember my original intention of going swimming.
I basically have the maps memorized, so I take a route that’ll take me around and away from the crashed RV full of drunk idiot party animals, spoiled ones none the less, apparently. The walk through the woods is peaceful, and I stop every time I see a lizard to admire it, despite how intense the heat is.
Before coming, I checked out books from the library on the plants and animals out here, so I’m having fun just trying to differentiate between the cactuses as I walk by them. It’s not too hard once I’ve seen a couple of them. I’ve always had a good memory, and can recall the pictures of them in the books pretty easily.
Finally, I get to the swimming hole, known around here as Diablo’s Canyon.
There are rocks all around, with cactuses perched on them. The sun reflects off the lake and makes patterns that dance across the rocks.
It’s calm and peaceful and beautiful. Just what I wanted. This is the opposite of the office life. This is why I come camping so often. And this is why I came all the way out to Texas.
It seems like no one’s here, and it’s so hot that I take a big risk and take off my sports bra and shorts, setting them by the side of the lake.
It
feels wonderful and calming to be naked like this in nature.
There’s moss on the rocks that lead into the lake, and I go sliding down them until I plop into the water.
I look up and the sun is coming down and completely beautiful. The water is fairly warm, but cool enough that it’s a huge relief to be out of the sun.
Floating on my back, I know this is what I came here for. To be alone, to be in nature, and to enjoy everything…
This is why I love the outdoors. If only I had a job that allowed me to do this kind of thing everyday. Well, maybe not swimming in the nude, but at least be out in the wilderness rather than some stuffy office.
But it’s hard to get a job as a forest ranger unless you’ve been in the military. And I’ve never been close to being in the military.
Something slithers around my leg.
What was that?
A snake?
My heart is racing again. My pulse has skyrocketed.
Here’s that anxiety again.
There are a ton of dangerous, seriously poisonous, snakes out here in Texas. There are a lot that like to swim around in the water. If I accidentally kicked one, it could get mad and retaliate by biting me in order to defend itself.
It’s there on my thigh, moving against it.
It’s definitely a snake.
Despite all my reading, I freak out completely. What you’re supposed to do if you disturb a snake is stay completely still until it can retreat. Then, hopefully, it won’t want to bite you.
OF course, that’s a little hard when you’re swimming. But I could just try to move less, using my arms to keep me buoyant.
But instead I flail around and try to swim back to the shore.
I’m splashing wildly…and it bites me.
It bit me!
Fuck.
It’s surprisingly painful. But that isn’t the worst part. The worst thing is the poison. And I’m fucking far away from a hospital. There’s nothing else to do but get to a hospital, and I might not make it.
I’m not thinking straight, because I’m absolutely positive now I’m going to die any minute.
But at least I’m swimming towards the shore.
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