by Lulu Pratt
“I don’t feel like being around a shit ton of people,” I grumped.
“Yeah, well, get over it, you need to talk,” he said, throwing me my shoes.
I sighed and sat down, lacing my shoes, then grabbing my wallet off the dresser. We headed out of the hotel and down the street to a bar I had passed on my way in. It was dark inside with tables to the left and it smelled like stale beer. It was kind of a dive so there wasn’t a big crowd, and that was a good thing. I didn’t feel like dealing with people at the moment. Honestly, I didn’t feel like dealing with Miles either, but here he was. I grabbed a table while Miles got us some beers. When he came back he set the beers and shots down in front of me and leaned back in his chair.
“Okay, I want to go over a couple of things I was informed of before arriving,” he said.
“Of course,” I replied, rolling my eyes.
“Number one,” he said, ignoring my reaction. “What is this they are saying about you donating your fucking kidney to Mira’s mother?”
“She is going to die without one, and we are a match,” I said.
“So, you meet some chick’s mom and suddenly you are giving away vital organs?” He looked at me like I was nuts. “I don’t mean to sound cruel or anything but—”
“Then don’t say anything else about it,” I cut in. “I am doing it because it’s the right thing to do. Not because of Mira or the show.”
“Mm-hm,” he said. “Let’s pretend for a moment that is true. They also told me you are considering continuing the marriage after the show is over. Have you lost your motherfucking mind? You don’t even know this chick and all of a sudden you are planning retirement homes with her.”
“I haven’t planned or decided anything,” I said.
“I think you need to be single again, my friend,” Miles said. “You have forgotten your creed, your life and how much a pain in the ass these women can really be. You need to cut your ties, take your five hundred thousand and get the hell out of Los Angeles before you drink any more of the fucking water that is apparently messing with your brain.”
I just shook my head, knowing there was no way I could ever do that to Mira. Her dreams were just as important as mine. I really wasn’t sure what I should do — stay, go, continue the marriage, get divorced — it was all so confusing. What I did know was that Miles being there was not going to help anything. In fact, I knew that Mira was going to be hurt when she found out about it. She was immediately going to assume that I planned it, and that I purposefully brought him there to make things even harder between the two of us. I could try to explain it to her, but it would probably just cause a fight, and the last thing I wanted was more drama.
Everywhere I turned people were pressuring me to make the decision they thought was right for me. No one wanted to stop and ask me how I felt, at least no one that respected me enough to let me talk about it on my own terms. Things were getting more and more stressful, and this was just the icing on the cake.
CHAPTER 22
Mira
It was Sunday, and I hadn’t seen or heard from Ryan since I walked off and went to the spare bedroom a few days before. I wanted to see him, but at the same time I had no idea what I would even say to him. Evelyn had called me and explained that he hadn’t broken the rules, and that he hadn’t asked for a divorce, he just needed some time away. I still was worried that he was going to decide to leave, to take the money and get the hell out of Dodge. I had to hope that he wouldn’t, and while I could do the same thing, I was hellbent on not going that route.
Not only would me leaving without talking to him first hurt him, it would also kill any chance — even if it was slim — of him donating a kidney to my mother. Her life was the most important thing to me at that point. I didn’t care about the money if she wasn’t there to share it with. That kidney would save her life, and I had been living in limbo waiting to find out what was going on. They had postponed the surgery a week, but that was due to a complication in the surgeon’s schedule. When I talked to him he told me everything was still a go, nothing had changed at that point. As much as I wanted to believe that was true, I still was very uneasy with Ryan gone, and not even communicating with me or telling me what was going on.
My feelings and emotions had even been put on the back burner because I was just too stressed out over the whole situation to think about them. I wanted to, I knew it was important and even my mom had asked me about them, but my heart fell into my stomach every time I even started to think about him leaving. I didn’t want to spend my time crying my eyes out. And really, what did I know about Ryan. Everything that either of us felt was completely based around what we had been through in that house. Sure, my mother’s condition was thrown in there, but I couldn’t decide to love or not love someone just because they offered to help my mother. I really didn’t know what he was like outside of that imaginary world we’d been living in.
I took a deep breath and grabbed my bag, heading down to the kitchen to grab a piece of fruit before I left. As I stood in the kitchen I heard the front door open and close, then Ryan appeared around the corner. I was more than a little surprised to see him and I wanted to immediately launch into a conversation because we had the chance to talk without any cameras or people interrupting us. However, before I could get my mouth open, Miles walked around the corner behind him, giving me a condescending smirk.
I sighed and looked down at the counter, shaking my head. Of all the things he could do, bringing his best friend — a complete asshole — here when we had so much going on was the worst. It was like Ryan was purposefully trying to hurt my feelings, like nothing that had happened over the last three months had meant a damn thing to him. I was angry, very angry, but as I stood there staring down into my bag, I realized that anger wasn’t going to do me any good. I needed to just let it go and realize that he was going to do his own thing no matter how it made me feel.
I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and walked over to the fruit bowl trying to decide what I wanted to take with me. In reality, my head was fogged, and my anxiety was through the roof. I didn’t even know if I should ask about my mother at that point. I just wanted to run away, but I couldn’t, that was what he had done, and it really did no good at all.
“Sorry about your mom,” Miles said, picking up an apple and taking a bite of it.
I felt like he was baiting me, like this had bad news written all over it. Part of me wanted to fall for the bait, to be a snotty bitch, to tell him to go fuck himself, but I knew that wouldn’t do me any good. It would only push Ryan even further away. I took a banana and an apple from the bowl and turned, looking up at him, trying to see if he was sincere or not.
“Thanks,” I muttered. “What are you doing here?”
“I came to visit my best friend, I heard he was going through some things, and, well, I wanted to be there as moral support for him,” he smiled. “Sorry it obviously bothers you, but unfortunately, no matter how hard you try, you can’t control him.”
“Whatever,” I laughed sarcastically. “Trust me, I am not trying to do anything of the sort. Besides, I was just curious, there is no reason for you get nasty with me.”
“Oh sweetie, that isn’t nasty. I thought you knew what nasty was, you acted that way last time I was here,” he said, with that stupid smirk.
I ignored him, trying not to lose my patience with him. I was already on the edge worried about my mother in the hospital, Ryan not speaking to me, and me wondering whether my mother was going to get the life-saving surgery she needed. Adding that idiot to the mix only made it easier for me to loosen the restraints and let everything bottled up inside me go. I turned away from him and walked back to the counter, gathering my cell phone, wallet and keys, then throwing it all in the bag. I needed to get out of there, to get away from Miles before I punched in his stupid face.
I was really hoping that Ryan would speak up and say anything. I turned to him and stared him straight in the eyes and waited fo
r a moment, giving him the opportunity to talk to me. When he didn’t say a word, and just looked sheepishly down at the floor, I rolled my eyes and walked to the door. I didn’t have time to play foolish childish games with either one of these assholes. I had to get to the hospital and check on my mother, because there were a lot more important things going on in the world than whatever these two were doing in the kitchen. God, it seemed like when Miles was around, Ryan turned into a fucking robot. It was more than frustrating.
I headed out to the car, my hands shaking in anger. I pulled out the keys and unlocked the door, getting in and pulling down the driveway. I clenched tightly to the steering wheel as I drove and made the right turn onto the street. The minute I was out of sight of the house, I broke down in tears. They just came, and I had no control over them whatsoever. At first, they were tears of anger and frustration, the kind that made you want to scream and break something, but as that emotion passed, I could feel the twinge of heartache in my chest. It was kind of familiar, but stronger than I had ever experienced before.
Crying, I hated it. In fact, I’d made it a point throughout my whole life to keep the tears at bay. To me they didn’t solve anything, they only made things worse. When I was a kid I could remember the feeling of not having a dad for the father-daughter dance and it had brought me to tears. When I was done crying, I realized it didn’t change anything, I still didn’t have a dad, and the dance was over at that point. After that, I avoided crying at all costs.
This day though, I’d had enough. By then my emotions had built up so high that I could no longer even deal with the thoughts in my head. I was already on the brink when Miles walked in. His very presence was enough to have me teetering, and Ryan’s failure to speak put me over the edge. All that emotion had to come out somehow, and today that’s what was happening along the side of the road in Los Angeles. Epic meltdown.
I’d thought that I was starting to really like Ryan, maybe even love him. We had connected on a level I’d never become remotely close to with anyone before. I had opened up about my childhood, my family, my mom, my dad and everything else you would normally keep personal. We had shared a bed for the better part of three months, and we had done almost everything together. I trusted him, or at least I thought I did. Then it was like a switch and he started to act like a complete dick to me. Between leaving with no explanation, and not standing up for me or even asking how my mom was, now I felt like I didn’t know him at all.
Meltdown completed, I wiped the tears from my face and headed back to the hospital, not wanting to just sit there along the road like a pathetic idiot. When I got to my mom’s room she could immediately see that something was wrong. I walked to her bed and sighed, taking her hand.
“I saw Ryan this morning,” I said.
“You did?” she asked. “How is he?”
“I don’t know,” I shrugged. “Before I could ask, that asshole Miles came romping into the kitchen saying nasty things to me. I wanted to bite his head off his shoulders, but I didn’t, I just ignored him.”
“What about Ryan?”
“Yeah right,” I chuckled. “He did just what he did last time Miles was around. He acted like I was just some chick. He didn’t say a word to me. He didn’t stick up for me, he didn’t tell Miles to shut it. He didn’t even ask how everything was going with you. He just fucking stood there like Miles had removed his damn brain. I hate Miles, but I hate Ryan even more for allowing someone to control him like that, I don’t care how good of friends they think they are.”
“I know,” my mom sighed. “And I’m sorry he was an asshole to you. That is the last thing that you need right now.”
“I just don’t know what to do,” I said, sitting down in the chair by the bed. “I mean, we need to talk, but with Miles here it will be impossible to get him alone. And I don’t even know what I would say to him to begin with. He left to get away, and he came back with the asshole. It’s like he deliberately wants to hurt me.”
“I don’t think that’s true,” my mom said. “Maybe the network sent him.”
“Maybe,” I shrugged. “Or maybe Ryan wanted back up for when he walked out on me.”
“You need to stop this,” my mother said, with authority.
“What?”
“Acting like you are a victim,” she said. “You need to take life by the horns and stop letting it pass you by. Before one day you open your eyes and you are almost sixty, and lying in a hospital bed, waiting for someone to save your life. It makes me angry.”
“Mom, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—”
“I know,” she replied, calming her tone. “Just stop what-iffing and second guessing. Just get Ryan alone and try to get him to talk to you. Even if you have to pull him into the bathroom and lock Miles out. Or better yet, lock the asshole in the pantry and corner Ryan. If you want him, go get him. If you don’t try to resolve it, if you allow yourself to be pitiful and scared and waiting for someone else to do something, you’re still sending a message and you may just lose out altogether. Stand up and live life on your terms. Maybe you’ll get hurt. But if you sit back and do nothing, and you both decide what the other is thinking and feeling without actually having the hard conversations, you are bound to lose. You’ll lose without even being in the game.”
“I know,” I sighed. “You’re right. Somehow I have to find that courage.”
CHAPTER 23
Ryan
I stood in the kitchen eating a muffin, staring over at Mira who had her back turned to me while buttering some toast. Miles was sitting at the breakfast counter reading the paper, a smug look on his face as usual. Mira and I hadn’t really talked at all, and when she had tried to come talk to me the night before, it had been snappy and argumentative between the two of us. I wanted to talk to her, I wanted to hear what she had to say, but with Miles there and everything that was going on in my head, it just came out as a snarky remark and an attack. Of course, that instantly caused her to give me the same thing in return. It was a no-win situation between the two of us.
Now it was Thursday morning and the transplant surgery was the next day. The muffin I was eating was actually part of the last meal I was allowed to have before I fasted for the procedure. I still hadn’t told Mira that I was going through with the surgery in the morning, and I wanted to do that, and do it before she left for the hospital that day. I was sure she had some sort of idea since the surgery hadn’t been canceled, but the last thing I wanted to do was add to the stress of the situation by leaving her to wonder and wait. It wouldn’t be fair of me and I felt bad I’d let it go this long. She didn’t deserve that.
I looked over at Miles and sighed, knowing that he was going to fight me on any alone time with Mira. It was like he was purposely not allowing me to be anywhere near her. He had this crazy idea that she had brainwashed me and that I was supposed to be single. Part of me wondered if that was just because he didn’t want to be alone. The two of them still couldn’t seem to get along at all. He could be a jerk, but Miles was an important person in my life, and I wondered how a relationship would even work if they couldn’t ever find common ground. I couldn’t imagine my life without him there for the holidays and celebrations, being my best friend, and all the rest of it.
On one hand, Mira had every right to be pissed at how Miles was treating her. He was an asshole and he wasn’t holding back with her for some reason. He didn’t give a shit that she was going through things with her mother and he made it his mission to make her feel bad every chance he got. I didn’t like it at all, but I didn’t want to get in the middle of it either. That would be a dangerous situation for me and for any relationship with Mira. But because of that choice it made it look like I was taking his side. I wasn’t. I just wasn’t taking any side, a coward’s move, I know, but it was the only thing that came to mind when I was faced with the decision.
“My mother is going through pre-op testing today,” Mira said, turning and loading her bag. “I’ll be gone most of t
he day helping her get through that stuff. If you need me, you can reach me on my cell. Apparently, Evelyn and the team will be over later to discuss the upcoming week, but they will brief me when I get back.”
“Trust me, I’m pretty sure no one needs you enough to call you back here,” Miles chuckled under his breath.
“You know what, fuckface?” Mira said, losing her temper. “Fuck you. You are in my house, so show a little fucking respect or get the hell out. I will have the company remove you if I have to.”
“Ooh, a feisty one today,” he chuckled.
She reared back and threw an apple at his head as hard as she could. It missed him by less than an inch and if I weren’t so angry at what was happening I would have laughed at the shocked look on his face. The apple hit the wall and broke into pieces. I watched as Mira turned and ran off down the hall and up the stairs to the bedroom she’d been staying in. I could hear the door slam from down here. I was so fucking tired of the fighting.
“She needs meds,” Miles laughed.
“No, you need to stop being a disrespectful piece of shit,” I said. “How dare you treat any human being like that, much less the woman I’m married to! Her mother is ill, and the stress is enough to make any person’s temper short. Like it or not, she is my wife and she is right, this is her house and you will show her respect, or you can get the fuck out, best friends or not. Your actions have been making me fucking sick.”
I stormed off down the hall before he could respond and went up to Mira’s room. I knocked on the door and stood there for a second before she slung the door open.
“How dare you let him speak to me that way!” She screamed. “How dare you just fucking leave and not say a word about us or my mother, or anything.”