by Dee Mann
"I need him for a minute," Jessie told her sister, and dragged Paul out through the kitchen onto the back porch.
She stood facing him, silent for a few moments before she said, "Thank you, Paul. Thank you so much for everything. I never thought I could feel any happier than I did when you asked me to the prom last week, but now you've proved me wrong."
Tears were gathering at the corners of her eyes, threatening to run down her face and ruin her makeup, but she didn't care.
"You are the nicest, sweetest guy I've ever known and if Jillian doesn't fall in love with you and marry you I will never speak to her again."
Her eyes widened. "Oh! I, I umm…I guess I shouldn't have said that. But I don't care. I mean it."
The tears broke free and ran down her cheeks as she threw her arms around him and hugged him close.
"I'll never forget everything you've done for me," she said softly through her tears. "Nobody's ever been this nice to me before that didn't have to 'cause they raised me. I…I…"
"Hey, come on." Paul held her gently. "You'll spoil that beautiful makeup and Jillian will blame me."
A short laugh escaped her lips, but the tears kept flowing. "I don't care. I am so happy." She lifted her head from his chest, looked into his eyes and whispered, "I've thought about him every day since that day in the mall. And I thought I'd never see him again. But here he is. And it's all because of you."
She squeezed him again and Paul leaned down and kissed her on the forehead. "I think he really likes you, Jessie, so go easy on him. Don't let who you've imagined him to be get in the way of finding out who he really is. And of letting him discover the real you."
He watched her smile grow as her tears stopped.
"Now go do a little touch-up on that pretty face. I'll keep him busy for a few minutes.
"And have fun tonight!"
9:45 PM
"You know, you're not making this easy on me."
The taste of her lips lingered and the soft scent she was wearing continued to leave Paul lightheaded, as if it were a drug designed to break down his will.
He was seated in the back of the Bentley, gently stroking Jillian's hair. She lay across the seat, her head in his lap, her shoeless feet dangling out the window.
With the radio playing softly in the background, they'd been alternately talking and making out for the past two hours. The conversation ranged from a discussion of Jessie's and Gary's incredible good fortune to the Red Sox pitching staff to places they wanted to visit before they died to which song they liked best on a variety of recent CDs. Periodically, they'd find themselves drawing closer and closer as they talked, until they could no longer stand the heat building between them and their lips pressed together with a tender, urgent passion.
"I'm sorry." She sounded like she meant it as she tilted her head back until her eyes met his. "I can go sit in the front seat if it would make the waiting easier for you."
It would, but there's no way I'm letting you go anywhere right now.
When Paul declined Jillian's invitation to come up to her apartment after their first date last week, he'd not realized how hard a task he was setting for himself. Every time he saw her, he wanted to rip her clothes off, but he was determined not to give in. He would take the time to know this girl, to let her know him, before they shared that final, most intimate of pleasures.
Determined as he was, though, Jillian seemed equally determined to test him tonight. Remarks, little jokes, and innuendo made clear to him her desire and her willingness. Half an hour ago, when they'd been steaming the windows for the third time, Paul's hand drifted down to her breasts, then wormed its way inside her blouse, popping the top two buttons as he caressed her. He'd stopped after less than a minute, but Jillian never re-buttoned the blouse. Since then, it had been flopping open as she moved. The sight of her cleavage, even contained in her lacy white bra, sorely tested his resolve.
"No, I like you right where you are. Besides, I don't want to spoil your fun."
"Fun? Whatever do you mean?"
"You know exactly what I mean. All night long you've been coming on to me, testing me, to see if I really meant what I said last week. Am I wrong?"
Jillian was silent for a bit, then she made a short, soft humming sound as he felt her head shake. Her feet drew back into the car and she turned on her side, facing away from him. "You're right. I guess I have been sort of testing you. And I'm sorry. I…"
She paused and he felt her body tense a bit, as if steeling itself for something unpleasant. With a small sigh, she continued.
"You've been nothing but sweet and kind ever since we met, not only to me, but to everyone. Look what you did for Jessie! Without even trying, you may have brought her back together with the love of her life. And…"
Again she paused, unsure if she should continue down this road.
"And the truth is I am so attracted to you it's scaring me to death. I told you I've had some bad experiences before, especially one, and I know you're not those guys, but I can't help feeling…I don't know, like the sky is waiting to fall in again. I mean, we haven't even known each other two weeks, and I feel as comfortable with you as I do with my sisters and my brother. And look at how I'm acting. Look at the things I said tonight, the jokes, the suggestive remarks, sitting here with my shirt half open. That's not me, Paul. I've never acted like that with a guy before and it scares me."
Jillian sat up and faced him, intent on trying to read his face in the dim light. "It scares me because I feel so strange, so different and I don't know how to deal with it. I honestly don't know why I was teasing you tonight, why I had to test you. But I'm sorry. None of this, none of it is who I thought I was."
"Maybe this is the real you. Maybe the person you thought you were was a face you learned to put on, part of a wall you built inside because of whatever happened with those other guys. Maybe the comfort you feel…and do you know how flattering it is to hear you say that? But maybe this comfort has started to let out the Jillian who's been lurking inside.
"Hey! Maybe you'll turn out to have seventeen different personalities and I'll get to go out with all of them!"
Jillian smiled at the joke, which only encouraged Paul to go on.
"Imagine! One of you might be a truck driver, or a contortionist. I could really get into her! There might be a middle-aged mom, a teen drama queen, and a drag queen, and a New Jersey hairdresser who pops her chewing gum and says ‘Oh…my…gawd all the time!"
Jillian was laughing now and she leaned over to kiss him on the cheek. "You really are strange, you know."
"I do know, but isn't that one of the things you l…ah…like about me?"
He had almost said the word both of them had studiously avoided ever since their goodnight kiss last Friday, the word neither would even admit to thinking, much less feeling this soon into their relationship.
"Yes, it is. But even that scares me. You know what makes me laugh, what makes me feel mushy, what…it's like you can see into my soul. And one part of me finds that exciting and reassuring, but another part feels uncomfortable that you can know me that well so quickly. I…"
"Jillian, I don't know you at all. Not really. Every day I learn something new. For example, today I learned you make a little humming noise after you've been thinking about something and before you say what it was. It's not magic, honey. I just pay attention. As for the rest, I'm being who I am. I told you right from the start there was something special between us. Maybe it's that we really are compatible, that we complement each other even as we have so much in common."
"Maybe, but it's more than that. You…you seem to know things. Like the Calla lilies you gave me last week. Did you know they're my favorite flower? Ever since I was a little girl. The first memory I have of my life is toddling along a path lined with white Callas at my grandmother's house in North Carolina. I couldn't have been more than two or three years old. And for as long as I can remember, white Callas have been my favorite. Of all the flow
ers you could have picked, you chose them. How could you know? And the date you set up. It was so wonderful, Paul, but you chose the four things to do that I've always found most romantic. It was like you'd read my diary or something. Do you see? Do you see why I feel nervous at the same time I'm feeling so happy?"
It was Paul's turn to think and he sat quietly for a minute, processing all she had said.
"I guess I understand. I suppose it should worry me, too, but honestly, it just reinforces what I've felt since the moment we met.
"I don't know what the future will bring for us. I have some thoughts on the subject, but honestly, for now I'm happy just to be here with you, to be anywhere with you.
"If you have doubts or fears, that's okay, too. Remember our conversation on the beach last week? About not keeping doubts and fears inside? I really believe what I said, then. If we talk about things, none of them can hurt us."
"I know, and to be honest, I guess this conversation was another test, to see if you really meant it. I'm sorry I keep doing this, I…"
"You need to stop apologizing, Jilli. Stop apologizing for being who you are. If something bothers you, talk to me about it. That's what couples do, or what they're supposed to do." He let out a short chuckle. "Can I ask you a question that might make you a little uncomfortable?"
"Of course." She could hear the hesitancy in her voice. "But only if I can ask you one later."
"Deal. Okay, here goes.
"Given all these feelings you have, the doubts and the fears and all, why did you invite me in after our date last week?"
Jillian considered the question, not sure whether to answer and whether to tell the whole truth if she did. Then she felt a twinge of guilt.
How can I not be honest with him? He's all but opened his soul to me from the day we met.
"I guess it was because at that moment I wanted you more than anything. I mean, the whole night had been so wonderful, and you'd been so nice and generous and romantic. And when we kissed on the beach it made me feel so…you know."
She could feel the color rising to her cheeks.
"And then, when we kissed goodnight, and it happened again, I didn't want to let you go. I wanted you with me so much I blocked out everything else." She paused. "I can't believe I'm telling you this."
"You know I felt the same way. But think about this, now. How would you be feeling today if I had come up, if we had slept together? Would you be happier? Less scared? Or more? Would you be feeling any of this, or would you have kept that block in place once you'd given yourself like that?"
"I don't know. I think…I guess I probably would have blocked all these feelings out, so I could enjoy being with you."
"But the feelings, the fears and doubts, they'd still be there, right?"
She nodded. "Right."
"Do you think you could have kept them suppressed forever?"
"No, of course not. Eventually they'd have broken through, only…only we'd have grown comfortable together. But we wouldn't have any real depth of understanding of each other to help us get through it. It could easily have broken us up."
"But what's different about dealing with it now? They're the same fears, the same doubts."
"Because we're still learning, still figuring out who we are together. We haven't formed any bonds, don't have any expectations we have to defend to ourselves or each other. We get to find out about each other at the same time as we figure out who we are together, so any bonds and expectations will be based on who we really are, not some fantasy we constructed to justify having slept together."
Last week, in the heat of the moment, when he tried to explain his reason for not sleeping with her, she understood in a general way. But now, after his questions forced her to think it through and actually detail the reasons, she realized she really did see it, really knew in her head and her heart why he wanted to wait, and why it was the right thing, the smart thing to do. And she realized the knowledge made it all seem a little less scary.
It's true. It's always been true. I've always been afraid of getting hurt again the way Aiden hurt me. It's been like barrier between me and guys ever since. But it's different this time. Ever since that first day in the coffee shop it's been gone and I can't bring it back. But I don't want to bring it back.
Her heart was open and unprotected again and that was what truly scared her.
He can hurt me. He can hurt me more than Aiden did. But he can love me more, too. I know. I saw it in his eyes last week. I hear it every time we talk. I feel it every time we're together.
She sighed.
I'm so tired of being scared all the time. I'm tired of holding back, of not letting myself feel too much. I want to let go, really let go. But I think it's going to take more time. And I know Paul will give me that time and help me unpack all the crappy baggage I've been lugging around since Aiden.
She looked at him with a new respect.
"Oh, you think you're so smart now, don't you?"
"So smart? What do you mean?"
"You know what I mean, and thank you."
She re-buttoned her blouse.
"Now, this seat looks wide enough so we can lay down side-by-side. I think I really want to hold you for a while, okay?"
Paul smiled. It was more than okay. They settled in and shared a soft, tender kiss before he said, "I guess it's your turn now. What do you want to know?"
Jillian hugged him close, her head resting on his biceps, their faces inches apart. Even in the dim light, her eyes glowed with anticipation as she said, "Tell me all about Krista."
10:35 PM
"What was the name of the guy who made it possible for us to meet again?"
They were sitting at their table, waiting for the DJ to return from his break. Jessie hadn't thought about the dung worm all night. Her thoughts were all of Gary, and of the extraordinary good fortune that brought them together again.
"You mean Ethan?"
"Yes, good old Ethan. I'll bet that's him sitting two tables over to the right, next to a girl in a green dress."
Jessie glanced over and caught him looking her way. "That's him. How did you know?"
"He's been watching you all night. Or maybe he's been watching me, but I don't think so. And I don't think the girl he's with is too happy about it. Every time she catches him, she glares, and I've seen her smack his arm twice."
Jessie shrugged. "Who cares. Ethan is so yesterday. He and Dedee deserve each other. And that's the last time his name will come up tonight."
"Yes, sir…ah…ma'am!"
Gary watched her scowl melt into a grin as he tilted his head and made eyes at her. He thought about Paul and Jillian waiting out in the limo and wondered if they were having as good a time as he was. He didn't see how it was possible. Jessie was incredible.
He learned quickly he'd only scratched the surface with her that day in the mall. She was smart and forthright, with a quick wit and an encyclopedic knowledge of music. She seemed to be able to talk about anything and when she smiled, the whole world faded away. He wondered how that guy could possibly have left her, though he was very grateful that he had.
"He must be a frigging moron!" he muttered, not realizing his thought had been vocalized.
"Who's a moron?" she asked as the DJ started spinning another disc. They'd been so into each other, they'd not noticed his return.
"Shoot, did I say that out loud? I'm sorry. I was thinking about something."
"So who's the moron, and why?"
"Him. The person who's name we are not mentioning again tonight."
"Oh. Well, I agree. But why were you even thinking of him?"
Gary hesitated. "I, umm, I don't know that it's really appropriate. We're having such a good time tonight and I don't want to embarrass you or dredge up anything unpleasant."
"Boy, you don't know much about girls, do you? That only makes me more curious to know what it is. Come on, out with it or I'll torture you all night to find out."
"Okay, then. I
was thinking about how great you are, and I wondered how he could have been so stupid as to let you go." He shrugged a half-hearted apology.
Jessie smiled at him, blushing slightly at the compliment. She found it didn't even bother her to think about the breakup with Ethan any more. She leaned over and gave Gary a quick hug. Then she sat back and said, "I wouldn't sleep with him. He wanted to have sex and I didn't. So he went and found someone more willing than I was."
"Well, I, for one, am very grateful he did. But I'm sorry you had to get hurt."
"Don't be. He did me a favor and one of these days, when I stop hating him a little more, I might even thank him. And now I wanna dance!"
With that, she jumped up and started moving to the driving beat as she danced her way to the floor, looking to Gary like an angel, a sweet, soft, undeniably sexy angel.
The DJ kept the music loud and fast for almost fifteen minutes. The dance floor was packed with young bodies losing themselves in the rhythms, the sounds, and their partners. Gary and Jessie were no exception. They shared looks and smiles as they twisted and turned, each showing off for the other, building an emotional heat that rivaled the physical heat of so much exertion. Then the DJ took pity on the dancers and slowed things down.
Happy for the chance to get close, Jessie and Gary moved together as Bryan McKnight started singing Back At One. They'd danced to slow songs earlier, but this time it was different. The feelings between them had been growing stronger all night, and neither could hide any longer how much they wanted the other.
Jessie moved right into him, her whole body pressing against him as her arms went around his neck. They danced slowly, hardly moving, the music only an excuse to hold each other close.
After a minute or so, she felt Gary's hand move from the small of her back to caress the nape of her neck, sending shivers of pleasure down her spine. Then, as they continued to dance, she felt him lean his head back, so she lifted her own off his shoulder to see what was wrong.