by Dee Mann
"Over the past month, since I met you, I've come to realize what a special person you are. You've opened me up in a way I would not have thought possible after what Aiden did. For that alone, I'll always be grateful to you. And I think I know how you feel about me. I think I've known since our first date.
"But knowing all that was part of why I've been so distracted lately. Ever since our first date, I wanted you so much. But when I started thinking about Aiden again, it felt like a part of my heart still wanted to see him, despite the way he hurt me, despite his abandonment, despite everything. And I knew that wasn't fair to you. I felt like I was betraying you. You're such an incredible guy that you deserve a woman whose only thoughts are for you, who has no reservations about anything, who can make a commitment to you without harboring feelings for a lost love."
She turned to Aiden. "What you did to me was inexcusable, but thinking I saw you again made me believe a part of me really did want to see you. So I guess your little game worked even though it confused and distracted me. More than that, really, it consumed me. And Paul paid the price for it these past few weeks. But you showing up this morning, and then again, here, made me understand I was right. I did want to see you. I needed to see you."
She shifted back to Paul. "I hope you can forgive me, Paul. I know my distance and distraction hurt you these past weeks. I told you the night you asked me about it that there was something I needed to sort through on my own. I don't know what you might have imagined or suspected, but I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for putting you through it. But now the time has come to do what I need to do. I have sorted through it, and I have to do what's right for me, do what will make my life right again."
Turning again, she said, "Aiden, I don't think you ever really understood the depth of my feelings for you. I don't think you really knew how completely I loved you. And so I don't think you can possibly imagine how much you hurt me, how devastating it was for me to find that note you left, to have to read about your abandoning me instead of hearing it from your own lips.
"For months afterwards, my whole being wanted you to come back, wanted you to take me in your arms again and tell me it was a joke, a cruel, drunken joke. And though I believed I was over you, I realize now that all this time, a small part of me still wanted you to return.
"When you appeared again it scared me. I told myself I didn't want to open old wounds, relive old, buried feelings. But try as I might to stop them, all the old feelings came flooding out, confusing me, but also forcing me to think about what I really wanted. And over the past few days, that's all I've done is think, really think. And seeing you now, talking to you, listening to what you had to say, now I know.
"I want a man who will love me as unconditionally as I'll love him, a man who'll stand by me and help me, who'll let me help him. I want a man who'll share with me, not just his life, but his thoughts and feelings, his very soul. I want a man who'll laugh with me when I'm happy, who'll take care of me when I'm sick, and who'll let me care for him when he's hurting. I want a man who sees who I am on the inside, deep inside, where I don't let anyone else look. I want a man who'll let me be who I am, who won't try to change me, or expect me to change him. I want a man who makes me laugh, who surprises me, who gets me. I know that sounds like a lot, but it's what I want.
"I'm happy you came back, Aiden. Happy to hear you've made a life for yourself. Happy you still care for me and want me back. It completes the circle of our relationship."
Her eyes bore into his. "For so long, I wanted to hurt you, to yell and scream and humiliate you, to give you a taste of what it was like for me back then. But now that the opportunity is here, after listening to your explanation, I just feel sorry for you."
When she shook her head, her whole body appeared to shiver.
"My god, Aiden! You found out you're adopted so you abandoned the people who loved you, who cared for you, who would have done anything for you? You tossed away two years of our lives because you freaked out?"
She took a step toward Paul.
"You see this guy. Take a good look. Here is a man who is all the things I said I wanted a minute ago, a man who saw the person inside me before I even knew who she was. Here is a man who's been nothing but sweet and kind and loyal despite all the doubts he must have felt about the way I was acting these past weeks. Here is a man, Aiden. A genuine, strong, loving, caring man. And he cares about me. I'm still not entirely sure why, but he does. You must have been experimenting with some pretty powerful drugs for five years to think I'd actually leave someone as wonderful as Paul for anyone, much less someone like you."
Without even meaning to, she had succeeded in humiliating and humbling Aiden. He caught her eyes, then Paul's, then returned to Jillian.
"I…I guess I knew this is what would probably happen. But I had to make amends as best I could. And I had to try. I had to know for certain."
He started to leave, but after three paces, turned back and said to Paul, "Jillian was an amazing girl in college. And I can see she's become an even more amazing woman."
He shook his head, a rueful half-smile curling one corner of his mouth.
"You know, I chased her for two months before she'd go out with me. I can't even tell you why. Something just drew me to her. And after our first night together, I was sure I'd found heaven on Earth.
"I'll regret my stupidity for the rest of my life. Hold onto her and make her happy. You'll never find another like her."
With that, he turned and walked away.
Paul and Jillian stood quietly, unmoving, as they watched Aiden for the two minutes it took him to reach the sidewalk and lose himself in the crowd.
"I'm sorry, Paul. I'm so, so sorry. I'm sorry for everything I've put you through these past weeks. But even more, I'm sorry for not telling you. Even though I wanted to take care of it on my own, I should have told you. I can only imagine what you must have been…"
Paul interrupted. "Does this mean you're not breaking up with me?"
"Breaking up with you? Breaking up with you!"
She threw her arms around his neck and kissed him. Then she buried her face in his neck and said, "Don't you know how much I love you?"
He pressed her to him, his head suddenly light with joy.
"I thought I did. But then he showed up, and…and everything else that followed seemed…damn!"
"What's wrong?"
"Oh nothing." He sounded forlorn even though he was grinning. "It's just, I had all these plans for today. And all of it was to surprise you, to find the right moment, the perfect moment to tell you how much I love you."
His grin turned into a pout.
"And now you've gone and said it first."
The rest of the day was spent talking about anything and everything except Aiden.
They stopped by Coffey's, where, to their delight they were able to use their favorite ‘whatever you're giving away for free today' line. Then they took a taxi to Fenway Park and had their picture taken kissing in front of The Green Monster. Souvenir in hand, they walked the three blocks to the Fens and strolled from one end to the other, stopping frequently, once for an hour to watch the end of a little league game.
As evening approached, they talked about what to do next. Neither really wanted to go out to eat or to a club or wanted people and noise around them, so Paul suggested they stop by the market for some groceries. Since he'd cooked for her several times, she could cook for him tonight.
"Are you sure you want to take that chance? I've tried to tell you over and over I'm not much good in the kitchen beyond boiling water."
Paul put his arm around her. "My stomach has complete confidence in you."
Five minutes later, as the automatic door to the grocery store swung open before them, Paul asked, "Do you have any food in the house?"
"Coffee and tea. Maybe some crackers. And probably some moldy leftovers in the fridge."
He shook his head and laughed.
"Sad. Really sad. Look, I obviously sho
p here more than you do and I know where everything is. Why don't you go next door to the deli and get some cheesecake for dessert. I'm really in the mood for cheesecake. I'll get what you'll need to cook dinner and meet you outside."
"But what if I don't know how to…"
"Please, trust me. Everything I buy will be geared to your skill level."
Ten minutes later, Paul emerged from the market with a bag of groceries. Across the top was a thick loaf of Italian bread.
"What'd you get?"
"You'll see. Wait 'til we get home. This bag is heavy."
Jillian's cell phone rang as Paul unlocked his front door.
"Let me have the cheesecake and you can grab that."
"Happy anniversary," Priya said when Jillian answered. "I thought you'd have your phone turned off and was going to leave a message on your voicemail. Why aren't you out with Paul?"
"Thank you! Actually, we've been out all day. We're at his place now. He wants me to cook him dinner."
"But you…"
"I know. I told him, but he assured me I'd have no problem cooking what he bought."
"Which is?"
"I don't know. He's in the kitchen unpacking the bag now."
"Then I won't keep you. You two have fun tonight. And don't do anything I haven't done yet."
"I should be so lucky!"
Jillian closed the phone, walked through the kitchen doorway, and stopped cold. "You jerk!" she exclaimed, laughing.
True to his word, everything Paul had purchased was geared toward Jillian's non-existent cooking skills. Laid out on the small counter were the loaf of sliced bread, a family-size heat and serve meatloaf, a can of brown gravy, a package of frozen mixed vegetables, a box of boil-a-bag rice, and two bottles of wine.
"Think you'll need some help?"
He received a playful glare as an answer.
"Then I'll go put on some music."
When he returned, the meatloaf was in the oven and two small pans of water and an empty sauce pan were on the stovetop for later use in heating the rice, vegetables, and gravy.
Paul uncorked one of the bottles and poured two glasses of wine.
"How long before you have to start the veggies and rice?"
"Forty-five minutes or so."
"Good. Want to sit down?"
He nodded toward the small table and chairs.
"Wait."
Jillian set the timer for forty-five minutes.
"Let's sit on the sofa."
Once settled in, Paul reached over and took Jillian's hand.
"Remember how we agreed that if something is bothering us, we should talk about it?"
"Of course."
She knew what was on his mind.
"Aiden."
Paul sighed.
"Aiden. How is it that he suddenly appeared on the Esplanade like that? And what, exactly, were you two talking about for so long?"
"Evidently, when he left my apartment this morning, he hung around and followed us."
"What!"
"It doesn't surprise me. Propriety was never a strong suit of his. It was one of the things that attracted me to him back when I was young and foolish.
"He said he wanted to know how close you and I really were, and when he saw me walking away and you didn't come after me, he thought perhaps we'd had a fight or something and that it was a good time to approach me."
"By the way, why did you walk away like that?"
"Because I was upset at myself and had all these feelings I didn't understand and I knew I was about to cry and you'd been so sweet and I didn't want to ruin things by letting you see me cry."
"But…"
"I know. It was stupid. If I can't cry in front of the man I love…"
"And who loves you."
"…and who loves me, then what's the use of it all? I think it was the shock of seeing him after all these years."
Paul nodded.
"As for what we talked about, actually, he did most of the talking."
She snorted.
"Same as when we were together, come to think of it. First, he tried to apologize for running out on me. Then he explained about being adopted and going off to find his roots, then he told me he wanted me back, that he'd made a huge mistake, and blah, blah, blah."
"And what did you say?"
"You heard what I said. That was when I brought him over and made my little speech.
"I'd wanted to hit him and hurt him for so long, but taking the high road like that, well, it finally released all the misery and anger I've carried around for so long. And it felt really good.
"You know, if he hadn't shown up, I think his memory would have haunted me for the rest of my life. Today finally gave me closure."
Again, Paul nodded. She was on a roll and he didn't want to disturb it.
"I've been thinking about something else, too, all afternoon. It turns out you really were smart to say no that first night. If we had slept together, I don't think I'd be feeling the same as I do right now. I don't think you would, either. Aiden's reappearance would have really upset things."
She shrugged.
"Who knows? All I know is I want more wine. You want some, too?"
"Sure."
Again he reveled in the rhythmic sway of her backside as she went to fetch the wine from the fridge. After filling the glasses, she asked, "What are the eggs and crescent rolls for?"
"Breakfast."
"You know I have to get up at seven to meet my sisters."
"I know."
"You want me to get up that early to come over here for breakfast?"
"No."
He stood up in front of her. She looked confused. Then he pulled her to him and kissed her. It was a kiss not unlike the first one they'd shared on the beach. When it was over and she looked up at him, she saw it in his eyes.
She sighed with anticipation as her arms encircled him and pulled his lips back to hers. At some point, shoes and shirts and pants were discarded and Paul lifted her in his arms and carried her into the bedroom. He set her down gently, and within seconds, the last wisps of clothing were crumpled on the floor.
He gasped at his first sight of her lithe, sensuous beauty and she stared for a few seconds, pleased at the sight of what she'd only previously felt pressing against her thigh. Then she was stretched out on the bed and he was next to her, his lips devouring hers as their hands began their long awaited, much anticipated explorations.
She shivered at the soft, knowing touch of the fingers that started at her ear, traced their way along the curves of her neck and chest, and began teasing her breasts. The lips that had been planting soft kisses all over her face drifted lower and she moaned as they reached the special spot below her ear that redoubled her shivers. His hand cupped first one, then the other breast before the palm rubbed over and around her nipples, stimulating them to hardness, causing thrills of exquisite pleasure. Then his fingertips explored the contours of her stomach while her hand sought out his manhood.
When her fingers closed around him, his deep, low groan thrilled her. His hand continued to move lower, circling, teasing, building the passion inside her until she could no longer stand it and pleaded softly, "Touch me. Please touch me."
So he did, and she wanted to scream out with the intensity of the pleasure, but all she could manage were incoherent moans.
She was ready, so ready, as she knew he was, too. His hand abandoned its ministrations and he moved over her. Leaning on his elbows, he cupped her head with his hands, leaned down, and kissed her, his body lightly pressing against her own. And when he entered her for the first time, he seemed to fill her completely, not only physically, but emotionally and spiritually. He truly became a part of her as they began to move, slowly at first, but then faster and faster as their urgency expanded and consciousness contracted until only the two, as one, remained.
Neither of them heard the timer's bell when it rang awhile later, as they lay in each other's arms, sweating and panting, enjoying
the afterglow together for the first time. Neither of them heard much of anything for the next sixty-seven minutes except loving whispers, sighs, and moans of pleasure, until, as they were sharing their love for the third time, the smoke alarm began to shriek.
EPILOGUE
THURSDAY, MAY 5, 2005
6:15 PM
"It's me."
Priya pressed the buzzer and opened her door.
"Hey girlfriend."
Maggie usually picked her up on dinner nights so they could spend some time chatting before heading to whatever restaurant had been selected for the week.
She grabbed an open bottle of wine from the fridge and poured two glasses. She handed one to Maggie and waited for her to give what had become their traditional toast.
"To the virgin and the slut, the most unlikely best friends in Boston."
They clinked glasses and sipped the wine as they did every week, then, completing the ritual, put down their glasses and hugged.
"Congratulations on another week."
"Thank you." Maggie squeezed her friend a little harder than usual before letting go and retrieving her glass.
"Do you realize that in two weeks it will be a whole year?"
Priya looked as sad as she sounded.
"I know, but why the long face. I thought you'd be happy for me."
"I am, of course. But I figure that after a whole year of you not sleeping with anyone, we can't be the virgin and the slut anymore."
"Why not? Are you planning to fuck Brian's brains out now that you have that rock on your finger?"
She may have given up men for almost a year, but Maggie was still as uninhibited with her language as she'd ever been. The look Priya gave her made her laugh.
"Of course not! I've waited twenty-four years. You think I can't wait another two months until my wedding night?"
She stuck her tongue out at her friend who returned the favor.
"It's just that, on the one hand, I like that private joke we have. But on the other hand, I don't want you to keep thinking of yourself that way. Because you're not a slut, and…"