by Dee Mann
Most of the staff disliked the tedium of shelving returns and books that had been left around the library, but Shane enjoyed seeing what people were reading.
Three years ago, when she began working part-time at the library, she was amazed at how so many people would suddenly be interested in a particular subject. She puzzled over it until one Monday afternoon, when it seemed like every third person who came in wanted information about the Civil War. She mentioned it to Anna, who looked at her curiously and asked, "You don't watch much TV, do you?" The mystery was solved.
Except for occasional big news stories where visuals were important, Shane had not watched any commercial television since entering high school. Now and then, she did enjoy a movie on DVD, but most of her free time was spent reading.
12:07 PM
Shane was bent over at the waist, replacing a book from the second cart on the bottom shelf of the rack when a faintly familiar voice behind her said, "Excuse me?"
"Yes, can I help y…" She almost choked as she straightened up and turned her head. Ohmygod, it's him! And he saw me all bent over like that with my butt in the air and… She coughed and cleared her throat to provide a few seconds to compose herself.
"I'm sorry. Can I help you find something?"
Mark held out a slip of paper. "The card ca…the computer said this was available but I couldn't find it. The person at the desk thought it might be on one of the return carts. She checked the one up front and it wasn't there so she sent me to find you."
She glanced at the proffered note. It was a title on hydroponics. "You must be a fast reader," she said, surprising herself with her boldness as she turned and crouched down to peruse the remaining books on the cart.
"Why do you say that?" he asked, amazed she actually spoke to him. She never said anything more to him than 'hello' and 'there you go' when he was borrowing books. She was still checking the returns on the cart, but he noticed she seemed slightly flushed.
"Well, you borrowed three books on hydroponics last Friday. You have two in your hand and are looking for a third which means you must have returned the other three because you can only have three out at a time on one subject."
His raised eyebrows betrayed his surprise. "Do you keep such a close watch on everyone's reading? Or am I under some kind of special surveillance?"
He hoped to elicit one of her smiles, but instead he saw the flush deepening. "No, no," she said quickly, without turning to face him. "I'm not watching…I mean, no one is watching you. I just…"
"Hey, I was kidding. I was just impressed you noticed and remembered so I tried to make a joke. Sorry. I never was good at jokes."
"Oh…well…I…I'm sorry, too. I sometimes…well, sorry."
Shane stood and faced him. She knew her face was still red, but what could she do?
"It's not here, either. It could be lying around on a table, or someone could have put it in the wrong place. Or someone might have, ahh, borrowed it without checking it out."
Mark smiled at her. "Boy, you're nice. I would have said, 'Or some lowlife scumbag stole it.'" He was gratified when he saw the corners of her lips curl. "I really wanted that one, but I guess I can do without it for a while."
"Actually, it's not very good. Lots of general stuff you can find anywhere, but not much in the way of instruction and technique. Have you read Hydroponics From H2O?"
He noticed it listed on the computer, but thought it was a book for kids.
Shane caught the question that flashed in his eyes before he could give voice to it. "I know, the title's too cute for its own good, but the book is packed with information."
"Are you a gardener?" he wondered, curious how she came to know which book was better than which.
"No. A few years ago, my father wanted to try growing hydroponic vegetables and asked me to find some information on the subject, but by the time I read all the books the library had, he changed his mind. He decided it would be cheaper just to grow them in the dirt as he always did."
Mark grunted. "You really read all the titles on hydroponics in the catalog?" Is she pulling my leg?
"Just the eight on the shelf here. And after the first few, I was able to skim through most of the rest. I have a pretty good memory and Hydroponics From H2O was the third one I read. It was so comprehensive the other seven were really just a waste of reading time. What are you thinking of growing?"
Mark stared at her for a few seconds. Did she really read eight books on hydroponics? When she was probably just a teenager? "Well, I'm not sure yet what I'll be growing. Right now I'm just doing research to see what's been written in the field. I plan to write a book about the subject."
"Oh…well…in that case, you really should read Hydroponics From H2O first."
He could tell she left something unsaid. "And…" he prompted.
"I'm sorry?"
"It seemed as if there was more you wanted to say. If I'm wrong, then it's me who's sorry. Should I be sorry?"
Shane looked right into his eyes as she as she said, "It's just, well, I'm not sure what else you could say on the subject that hasn't already been covered in that book."
"I didn't realize you were an expert on the subject." As soon as he said it and saw her flinch just the slightest bit, he realized how harsh it sounded.
The blush that had faded reappeared as she began, stiffly, "I didn't mean to imply…"
"Wait!" The urgency in his voice, rather than the word, cut her off. "That didn't come out right. Shane…your name is Shane, right?"
He knows my name. He knows my name! Her stomach seemed to reach up and grabbed her throat. First he sees my butt in the air and now he knows my name! She nodded, praying her blush wouldn't deepen any further.
"I thought so. I'm terrible with names, but I was pretty sure I heard the other librarians call you that. Anyway, I really didn't mean that the way it sounded. I was trying to make you smile, but…well…my mouth is not always in direct communication with my brain and I'm as bad with extemporaneous humor as I am with jokes, so please forgive me again."
Shane watched carefully as he apologized and could see the sincerity in his eyes. Unsure about her voice, she just nodded and smiled and saw a change in his face and eyes. It was not just relief at forgiveness, it was something she never encountered before.
Ten minutes later, as he turned from the front desk after checking out Hydroponics From H2O, Mark glanced over his shoulder toward the bookshelves where Shane was working. "Where the hell did that come from?" he muttered under his breath as the doors slid open before him.
Thursday, May 12
12:33 PM
The large dining room was crowded and it took Gail a minute to spot Carol sitting at a table in the far corner. At her wave, Gail held up one finger then dashed into the cafeteria to grab a sandwich and coffee.
"You're not eating?" she asked as she set down her lunch tray.
"No, just coffee. I'm trying to lose weight."
Gail rolled her eyes. Carol was always on a diet, though she never seemed to get any slimmer. As a nutritionist, she understood the constant dieting was her friend's way of regulating the healthy intake of calories she consumed at breakfast and dinner. But the pragmatist in her could not understand why so many women like Carol were always so unhappy with their perfectly fine and lovely bodies.
"So what's up? The last time you met me here for lunch it was because that guy…"
"I want to have a party," Carol said, interrupting.
"This news couldn't wait until we got home tonight?"
"I didn't want to talk about it in front of Shane."
Gail's eyes widened. "You want to throw a party and not have Shane there?"
"No, no. I want to have the party for Shane."
"For Shane? Is it her birthday or something?"
"No. I want to get her laid."
Gail almost choked as she exclaimed, "What!" through a mouthful of half-chewed turkey on rye.
Carol related the details of her Sunday
morning conversation with Shane. Since then, the idea of finding a guy for Shane had been marinating in her mind. "I don't think she'd ever go on a blind date or anything. It has to be someone she meets sort of naturally, you know? So I figured a party would be just the thing. There must be lots of smart guys here in the hospital you can invite. Guys who would appreciate Shane for her brain."
"Her brain?"
"Well…I don't know…yes. I mean, she's really a nice girl, Gail, and smart. Seriously smart. I've been talking with her a lot lately and you know I'm no slouch in the smarts department, but Shane makes me look average at best. But she's never going to walk the runway in Atlantic City, you know? So I was thinking that if we had a party, we could all go shopping for party dresses, then we could help her with her hair and get a little makeup on her and maybe one of the brains here will want to hook up with her."
"I don't know, Carol. You don't think that's a little condescending? I'm not sure we should be sticking our noses into her love life."
"But she doesn't have a love life. That's the problem."
"Maybe so, but that still doesn't mean we should be…"
"Come on. What can it hurt? The worst that happens is that none of the guys want to hook up with her, in which case all she had was some fun at a party."
"Are you going to tell her why we're having the party? Or tell the guys."
"God, no! Of course not. I don't want to embarrass her or make her the object of someone's pity. I just want to give some guys the chance to notice the good things about her."
It was clear from the expression on her face that Gail wasn't entirely convinced.
"Look," Carol said, glancing at the clock on the wall, "I have to get to an appointment. Please, just think about it and talk to her more. You'll see what I mean about her being smart, even funny sometimes."
10:28 PM
"Are you going to tell me what's wrong or are we going to waste another fifteen minutes talking about nothing?"
It was nearly nine-thirty when Greg's phone rang. He almost let it go to voicemail, but was glad he decided to check the Caller ID when he saw it was Mark.
"What do you mean?"
"Come on, buddy. We've been friends our whole lives. As soon as I heard your voice I knew there was a problem. That's why I didn't give you the bum's rush and hang up nine minutes ago." He lowered his voice nearly to a whisper. "Here's the thing. With four kids, it's hard to find time to spend alone with Laney, if you know what I mean. Well, tonight, Jessie and Lois are having sleepovers at friends' houses and Frank and Kelly are sound asleep. So as much as I love you man, if you don't tell me why you really called in the next minute, I'm hanging up and getting naked with my wife."
The silence continued for about fifteen seconds. Greg was just about to give up when he heard, "It's…well…it's this girl."
"A girl? You mean, like, a girl girl?" Greg was focused now. Never once, in the two years since Suzy died, had Mark even acknowledged other women existed. "Who is she?"
Mark sighed. "She's one of the librarians here in town. I've seen her, I don't know, dozens of times, but I never really talked to her until Monday."
He gave Greg a rundown of what transpired that day, right up to the point where she accepted his apology and smiled at him. "That's when it happened. I…" He paused, and the pause dragged on.
"What? Come on, man, what happened?"
"Greg, I started to get wood. When she smiled at me like that, my gut suddenly felt empty and I started getting hard. If she hadn't gone to get a title she recommended…" A chill ran through him. "As it was, I had to stand behind the damn book cart and try to look nonchalant so she wouldn't notice when she returned with the book."
"So what's the problem? You saw a pretty girl and got a hard-on. That still happens to me, sometimes. It happens to every guy."
"No, no. You don't understand. It wasn't just my dick. I mean, she's not really all that pretty. Except when she smiles. Then…I don't know. It was like the way I felt the first time I met Suzy. But that can't be. This girl is, I don't know, maybe early twenties. She's just a kid. And I'm still in love with Suzy. I think of her all the time. How could someone else do that to me?"
Greg sighed and silently cursed his luck. "Buddy, I don't know what to tell you here. You know I'm not good at this touchy-feely stuff. Why didn't you call Deek?"
"I did, but he's not home. They're out for the night. And this has been going round and round in my head all week and I can't stand it anymore. I had to talk to someone."
Again Greg sighed. "Yes, I can see that. Hold on a minute and let me get Laney." He glanced at the clock as he pressed the hold button. It was almost ten. Laney lived for this kind of stuff and would keep Mark on the phone for hours. He shook his head as he climbed the stairs. There's no way I'm getting lucky tonight.
Three minutes passed and Mark began to wonder if Greg might have decided to have a quickie first when he heard a receiver being picked up. "Hey, sorry, Buddy. Laney'll be right here. Hang on for another minute or so."
Click.
"Hello, Mark," he heard about ninety seconds later. "I'm sorry you had to hold on for so long, but Greg insisted on giving me a rundown of your conversation. But knowing Greg, he got half of it wrong anyway, so how about starting at the beginning for me."
Mark returned the greeting and repeated the story he told Greg almost word for word until he got to the part about the erection. "And then, ahhh…I uhhhh…"
"Yes, I know, you popped a woody. Not only have I heard of them, I've even seen a few. Go on."
Mark chuckled before explaining that what bothered him most was not the physical reaction but the emotional one. "I mean, the whole thing came out of nowhere. It…it made me feel like I was cheating on Suzy, you know? And now I can't get the girl out of my head."
Laney's voice was soft as she said, "I know, Mark. You loved Suzy very much. You still do."
"Then how could I…"
"Mark, it's been two years since Suzy died. She was a bright, beautiful woman. And last Monday, you ran into someone who reminded you of her. You said yourself it was the girl's smile you first noticed about her. Then…did you read the book she recommended?"
"Yes. Most of it later that day. Why?"
"How was it."
"Exactly as she said. Encyclopedic on the subject."
"I thought so. Okay, look at it this way. You meet a girl whose smile rivals Suzy's. Then you interact with her and discover she's at least as smart as Suz was. So your body, and your emotions, sensing a familiar combination of input, reacts to it. I don't think it's so much this particular girl that has you confused as it is the feelings you've not experienced for so long. That particular sequence of events made your subconscious think of the woman you love, and you reacted like a man in love. I'll bet if you return that book tomorrow and see her, there won't be as much as a splinter to be found in your boxers."
"Huh." It makes sense, I guess. "But why can't I get her out of my head? She's just a kid."
"Mark, you've been living like a monk for two years. I know you've not been with a woman, but do you, you know, take care of business other ways?"
"Geez, Lanes. What a question!"
"Okay. Pardon my indelicacy. But the question stands. How long has it been?"
Mark sighed, knowing she wouldn't let it go until she got an answer. "Not since just after…not for a long time."
"Well there you go, dummy. You and Suzy had a great sex life. I know. She used to brag about how often you two did it and how you could…well…you know. Anyway, you've been denied that particular release for a long time, so of course you can't get this new girl, with her smile, out of your head. Your subconscious has associated her with those feelings."
"So?"
"So I think you need to get laid a few times, but since I know you're not about to do that, I suggest Internet porn and your favorite hand lotion."
Greg must have walked into the room just as she said that because Mark heard the s
urprise in his voice when he asked her what was going on. As he waited for her to shush him, he marveled at how easily such talk came to most women. Maybe I should branch out and do a How Women Talk book?
When her attention returned to him, they spent the better part of an hour talking about the past, about Suzy and his loneliness, and about how the recent episode was tied to all of it.
"Mark?"
"Still here, Laney."
"I just had an idea. Are you going to pursue writing the book on hydroponics?"
"I'm not sure. Maybe. If I can find a new angle."
"Then why don't you get the librarian to help you?"
"I don't think so, Laney. I don't want to…"
"Look, she already knows way more than you do about the subject. And, as you say, she's a just a kid. You could hire her as an assistant. She could probably use the money to help pay off her student loans."
"But…"
"But what? Look, Mark, you can't hide from women for the rest of your life. Working with this girl will be a nice, non-threatening way to ease back into interacting with them again."
"What do you mean? I interact with women."
"Sure you do. You say hello to the checkout girl at the grocery store and you talk to me and Brooke for a minute when you call Greg or Deek. You need regular, ongoing interaction. Actual conversations with real female types and…what's this girl's name, by the way?"
"Shane."
"Well, I think this Shane is just the ticket. Look, go to the library tomorrow. If you get another hard-on when you see her, then forget it. But I'll wager all that's going to happen is she'll be flattered you want her to help with your research."
"I don't know, Laney. I don't think I'm ready to…"
"Mark, I loved Suzy, too. She was one of the nicest people I knew. I was closer to her than I am to my own sister. You know how much we talked, so believe me when I tell you she did not want your life to end with hers. She wasn't afraid of dying, Mark, but she was afraid you'd do exactly what you have been doing for the past two years. Maybe I should have said something to you sooner, but I know she made you promise to find someone else after she was gone. I know she wanted you to live your life with joy and make someone else as happy as you made her. You've shut yourself off from life for too long. And now fate has given you a chance, a nice, safe way to get back into living a life that would make Suzy proud. Hell, it wouldn't surprise me if she was sitting up in Heaven arranging the whole thing."