Hold your head high and never let them see you look weak. A lady is always dignified and in control of her emotions. A lady is above emotional outbursts, and Bradford’s are not weak.
It was laughable coming from her, considering that rather than face her own life, she liked to escape into a bottle of wine and pop a couple pills to make her forget, but that right there was the push I needed. I was not my mother. I would not break so easily, and Jeremy Black would sure as hell not be the one to break me. He was the one who should be hiding in a bathroom stall afraid to face me after what he did.
I made it to Ms. Renner’s class after the bell rang and then hesitated at the already closed door. Now all eyes would be on me as I walked in. I regretted my little bathroom detour.
“You look like you’re going to run.” I hadn’t noticed him leaning against the lockers behind me, and was startled enough that I about jumped out of my skin.
“I’m considering it,” I admitted, turning to face him and wondering if he’d been waiting for me or had showed up after I did.
“You still can if you want to.”
“Would you ditch with me?”
“If you wanted me to. Or we can go in there and you can show both of them why Daisy Brighton will never be you.”
“Why?”
He pushed off the wall of lockers and came to stand so close that I had to tip my chin up just to keep my eyes on his.
“Because you have class, grace and dignity that she doesn’t.”
“Thank you, but really I just want to punch them both and then go back to the girls’ bathroom and cry.”
“Is that really what you want to do? If it is, I won’t stop you.”
I sighed. “No. I want to go in there and show them that they didn’t break me, and that they can have each other, because I deserved better from both of them.”
“That’s my girl.”
My stomach did this weird flippy-floppy thing when he called me his girl, but I couldn’t focus too much on it, because in the next second, he was pulling open the door and I had to steel myself.
As expected, our late entrance drew everyone’s attention. Despite my best efforts to keep my eyes forward and not glance in Jeremy and Daisy’s direction, I couldn’t help myself.
My lips parted in an inaudible gasp. Jeremy’s face looked like it been steamrolled by Rocky, and the murderous way he looked at Kellen suggested he had something to do with it. Then his eyes fell on me for just a second before they dropped to the table. Daisy was already avoiding my gaze. The two of them were as far apart as the table would allow. Kellen placed his hand on the small of my back and guided me to our table, and I knew that one innocent touch would have our classmates talking. I could take a few guesses at what new rumors were going to spring up before the day was through.
I slid into my seat and Kellen into his and then Ms. Renner called the class back to attention, thankfully not commenting on our tardiness.
“So, all that about class and dignity and not hitting him, when you already did,” I whispered harshly.
“Sweetheart, I don’t think anyone’s ever mistaken me for classy,” he fired back under his breath, confirming that he’d had something to do with the shape Jeremy was in.
“You shouldn’t have done it.”
“You’re just mad because I got to hit him and you didn’t.”
It was partly true. Why did girls have to be the classy ones when guys got to solve problems with their fists? Mostly, I just didn’t want this to bring Kellen anymore trouble. A tiny part of me, probably the same part of me responsible for the flippy-floppy stomach in the hallway, was a little bit thrilled he’d felt compelled to defend my honor or whatever. I was still having a hard time forgetting how sweet he’d been to me when I showed up at his house Saturday night. Some of the details were a little hazy amidst all the alcohol, but I remembered him taking care of me and the bit about the chupacabra and me still being beautiful. A serious case of amnesia couldn’t have made me forget that part, just like nothing could erase the humiliation I’d felt when I walked in on Jeremy and Daisy.
The worst part was, I think if Jeremy had just told me he wasn’t happy in our relationship, that he wanted to be with someone else, it would have hurt and sucked for a little while, but I would have been okay. It was realizing that he cared so little that he couldn’t even do me the decency of being honest that made it so much harder to take. He gave zero consideration to me and our relationship when he violated it behind my back, and that made me feel very, very small.
I’d like to say that I shoved all that aside and let Ms. Renner distract me with her review of the study guide we’d been given to prepare us for our test on Wednesday, but I think Kellen was paying more attention than I was and he was doodling something I couldn’t see in a sketchpad he’d pulled out of his backpack.
My face felt hot and I was afraid I wasn’t doing a very good job of appearing fine, even though I was in the back of the class and no one was actually paying attention to me. Every few seconds my eyes would stray to the front corner, looking for some sign that Daisy and Jeremy were getting cozy, but they hadn’t moved any closer. A couple times, almost like he felt me watching him, Jeremy glanced back over his shoulders. Our eyes would meet for an instant and I’d look away, unable to hold it. I told myself if I could get through the class without crying, it would be enough.
When I wasn’t torturing myself with glances at Jeremy, I kept trying to sneak peeks at what Kellen was sketching, but he kept his arm draped just so. When class was over, Jeremy tried to talk to me, but Kellen stayed at my side and I didn’t stop until we were outside in the same spot we had lunch a few weeks ago. Right around the time he’d tried to tell me Jeremy was a cheater. At least he kept the I told you so to himself.
“See, that wasn’t so bad, was it?” We had our backs up against the side of the building, our legs stretched out in the grass.
“It was awful, and I have to see him again fifth period.”
“He won’t bother you. Not with me and D there.”
“About that. You going to explain the state of his face?”
He shrugged. “He made you cry, I simply returned the gesture in kind.”
“When did you do it?”
“Saturday night, after you passed out the second time. I left you with Trin, while D and I went to see if Jeremy was still at the party. He was. We had some words. He said some things I didn’t like and I made sure he knew I didn’t like them. His buddies, Dumb and Dumber, tried to jump in, but I had D and Jeff and a couple other guys there. The morons decided it would be better if they just let Black and I have it out, which didn’t take long. He’d sobered up some, but it was still hardly a fair fight and as much as I wanted him to bleed, there’s not as much satisfaction in it when it’s that easy.”
“You shouldn’t have gone over there. Someone could have called the cops. You could have gotten in a lot of trouble.”
“I get that, and I’ll even agree it wasn’t the smartest thing to do, going over there and starting something. But now you get that you showed up at my house drunk, crying and on your own when you shouldn’t have been any of those things. I didn’t like seeing it. I liked even less knowing that asshole put you in that position when he should have been spending the whole fucking night making you feel like a princess. I reacted. Simple as that.”
I laughed bitterly.
“What’s funny?”
“Nothing. There’s nothing funny at all. It’s just that I’ve listened to Jeremy and my mother, even Cammie and the other girls tell me how much trouble you are and that you’re not a good guy, but they all adored Jeremy, said he was perfect. How messed up and backwards is that? And why? Because his parents have money and he plays football and you don’t?”
“Little more to it than that, but yeah. Don’t gotta go and get yourself worked up over it though. I’m used to it, and it’s not like everyone who says that shit is wrong. I’m not a good guy.”
�
��Stop. You can spin that lie on everyone else, but I wasn’t so drunk on Saturday that I don’t remember any of the night. Some details are very clear, and you didn’t have to do any of that. The guy they say you are, the guy you’re trying to tell me that you are, he wouldn’t have done any of that. At most, he would have put my drunk ass in a car and driven me home.”
“One night doesn’t change all the rest, sweetheart, and are you forgetting what you walked in on?”
I winced, because no I hadn’t forgotten, but that was not the point. “Yet you got rid of her, and I doubt you lied to her or made her any kind of false promises, like that you would only be with her and that you didn’t hook up with Daisy Brighton at Josh’s house.”
“No. I don’t make promises, makes it real easy not to break them. Still, I don’t think too many people would look at that quality and think they found a prize.”
“Yeah, well people are idiots.”
“Won’t get any arguments from me on that, but I still don’t think that makes me any sort of Prince Charming.”
“Why are you trying so hard to convince me that you’re no good?”
“Just don’t want you to get caught up in some idea that I’m your hero or that I’m something I’m not.”
“Are you going to continue to be straight with me, even when you don’t think I want to hear it? And treat me with respect and not make me feel as worthless as Jeremy did?”
“Yeah.”
“Good. Because that’s all I need you to do. I don’t need you to be anything else, so get it out of your head that I’m somehow going to fall all over you like a damsel in distress and expect you to turn into Prince Charming. I already did the charming thing, and he turned out to be a snake, so I’m good there. I just need a friend right now that I can trust, and who’s never expected me to be anything but what I am. Right now, that’s you.”
“Okay.”
“Okay.”
“You hungry?”
“Yes.” I’d hardly eaten the last few days. This was the first time I’d had much of an appetite.
“Then sit tight. I’ll be right back.”
He returned a few minutes later with a selection from the cafeteria that we shared. He’d picked out things he thought I would prefer, like a fruit and yogurt parfait and a salad, and then he talked me into eating some of the pizza and fries he’d gotten for himself. I asked him to show me what he’d been working on in class, but he said it wasn’t finished. After a few minutes of incessant nagging, he did let me look at a few other sketches from his book.
“Wow, these are really good.” I flipped through it, and then he took the book from me before I could flip to the last few. “Are you going to art school?”
He chuckled like there was something funny in my question. “No, I doubt I’ll be going to art school, or any school for that matter.”
“Why not?”
“I look like I got tens of thousands of dollars lying around for college?”
“There are scholarships.”
“And who do you think is going to give me one?”
“You don’t know that you couldn’t get one, and even without scholarships, there’s financial aid.”
“And if I go off to college who’s going to work to make sure Trin has food to eat and clothes to wear to school and all the other shit she needs?”
I’d heard rumors that Kellen’s parents weren’t around. I think the story was that his dad died, or maybe went to prison and his mom just bailed, but I’d never paid too much attention to what anyone said, and I certainly hadn’t asked him about it until now. “Where are your parents at?”
“My dad got sent up to Broad River when I was ten. Got twenty three years, died four years into his sentence and that was a year after my Mom took off. Don’t know and don’t care where she’s at, but it means I’m all Trin’s got.”
“That guy, the older one at your house, he was your brother?”
“Yeah. That’s Tucker, and he’s about as worthless as my dad was. Sure as hell can’t count on him to look after Trin, so like I said, I’m all she’s got.”
“That’s not right,” I said softly.
“No it’s not, because she deserves a hell of a lot more than that, but it’s life and there ain’t shit I can do about it right now, except take care of her the best I can and make sure she does get to go to college.”
“You deserve more than that too.”
He wasn’t comfortable with the conversation and quickly diverted the subject. I didn’t bring up his family or home situation again after that. We parted when the bell rang, but before I could make it to my fourth period, Cammie, on her way to lunch, cornered me in the hall, dragging me off out of earshot of our classmates.
“What the hell are you doing, Shaeleigh?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean that everyone is talking about you and Nash. Jeremy is having a damn fit about it, and did you see his face? Did you know Nash beat the crap out of him?”
“Can we talk about this later? I need to get to class.”
“No, you need to tell me what you’re doing with Nash. Using him to get back at Jeremy isn’t smart.”
“I’m not using him. I’m not doing anything with him. We’re just friends.”
“Says every person in denial ever.”
“I’m not in denial. There’s nothing to deny.”
“Kellen Nash doesn’t do just friends, Shaeleigh. He does fuck buddies.” She would know.
“Well it’s different between us.”
“Oh God,” she groaned. “Don’t do this. Please tell me you are not dumb enough to think he’ll be different with you. I know you’re hurting over Jeremy, but you are just going to dig yourself into a deeper mess with Nash.”
“I don’t think anything, other than he is just my friend, okay?” I debated telling her about what happened after I left the party on Saturday, but wasn’t sure that it would help convince her I wasn’t doing something stupid. “You don’t need to worry, but I need to get to class now.”
Cam was right about one thing, Jeremy was having a fit. He was outside the gym waiting for me before fifth. I looked around, hoping to see Kellen so he could run interference for me again, but he wasn’t around yet.
“Jeremy,” I gritted when I got near him, “if you care at all about how I’m feeling right now, please walk away and give me space.”
“I just need to talk to you.” And that right there was the crux. It’d always been about what he needed and wanted.
“I don’t really care what you need. I needed a boyfriend who wouldn’t cheat on me, but instead I got you.” I tried to walk past him to get to the gym, but he blocked me, putting his hands on my shoulders.
“Please just listen. I’m sorry I screwed up. It was a mistake and it was stupid, but I don’t even care about her.”
“That makes me feel so much better. Good to know you threw away our almost two year relationship for a screw that didn’t even mean anything. Now move out of my way so I can go change.” I shoved his hands away, noticing that several of our classmates showing up for gym were gathering to watch, but I didn’t feel like giving them a show. Unfortunately Jeremy did.
“It’s not like that,” he insisted.
“Then what’s it like? Because from where I’m at, it looks a lot like our relationship meant nothing to you.”
“That’s not true. You mean everything to me.”
I thought I was going to be sick. Everything was just lie, lie, lie and it made me feel that much more foolish that I hadn’t been able to see through it before.
“No, I don’t. If that were true, you wouldn’t have slept with Daisy. You wouldn’t have hooked up with her at Josh’s and then lied to me about it. You wouldn’t have cheated on me with all those other girls either.”
“Who’s been telling you I cheated with other girls? Is it Nash?” he spat his name with a sneer. “What are you doing with him, Shaeleigh? Are you just trying to get back at me
?”
“No, it’s not about you Jeremy. The fact that you think I would use him to hurt you just proves you don’t even know me at all.” Once again, I tried to end this conversation by going inside where I could escape into the girl’s locker room, but Jeremy wasn’t done having this out and there was no one around who felt like helping me out. They all just wanted to gawk so they could recap it all later for the rest of the school.
“Well what else am I supposed to think when you’ve been spending all this time with him lately? And then showing up to class with him at your side and eating lunch with him and sending him after me on Saturday.”
“You’re supposed to trust me, like I trusted you! I spent time with him because I had to for our project, and now I’m spending time with him, because unlike you, he actually gives a crap about what I need right now, and I didn’t send him after you on Saturday. I was too drunk and sick and heartbroken to do anything. Because of you! He’s my friend. That’s all he is and all he was every single time you wanted to have this fight. So do not bring him into this and try to make him your excuse or put the fault on me. You cheated. Not me. And now I’ll spend time with whoever I want and it’s none of your business anymore.”
“Well maybe I wouldn’t have cheated if you weren’t so damn frigid.” His words were a slap to the face. “Ask any guy here what he would do if his girlfriend wouldn’t let him touch her.” I couldn’t believe he was doing this, and doing it in front of everyone.
I shook my head, fighting back the tears. “I’m not frigid,” I whispered meekly.
“Keep telling yourself that, but if you weren’t, I wouldn’t have had to go somewhere else just to feel wanted.”
Something in me snapped and I raised my hand, but someone caught my wrist before I could lash out with my hand. “Not worth it.”
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